With John McCain potentially dropping out of Friday night’s debate due to the enormity of the current economic crisis, Barack Obama has resolutely declared that the debate will go on as scheduled. John Lillpop of Canada Free Press has artfully suggested that perhaps Obama could debate Joe Biden, since the two “have been at each other’s throats all week“. Lillpop goes on to suggest that Obama could even debate himself, since he seems to be on both sides of most issues.
“You know, he could present both sides of his flip flop arguments on abortion, troop withdrawal from Iraq, and a host of other issues in which the Anointed One has made illogical arguments on both sides.”
What makes this a promising debate is that Obama can argue equally well for both sides of an issue, and frequently does. The advantage of not having a principled stand on an issue is that it is easier to choose either side, neither side, or both sides simultaneously without affecting ones intellectual integrity. Indeed, integrity only gets in the way of political posturing anyway. So how might the debate appear if Obama were to challenge himself to this verbal duel? Foreign policy was to be the topic for discussion, so from that context we will proceed. Since Jim Lehrer was to be the moderator, we’ll let him ask the questions.
Lehrer: Greeting gentlemen, er gentleman, er Senator Obama. Thank you for joining us for our first televised Presidential debate from Oxford Mississippi. We appreciate your attending.
Obama: Um…Uh…Thank you for inviting me. And let me also thank the residents of Oxblood for graciously having me hear. I haven’t had the opportunity to visit Missouri very frequently, so it’s a pleasure to be here
Lehrer: Senator, thats Oxford, Mississippi, not Oxblood, Missouri.
Obama: Uh…that’s what I meant to say, um… Oxor, Mississississippppi. Like I said, I’m just happy to be here.
Lehrer: Very well, let us proceed then. Senator Obama, the war in Iraq has occupied much of the country’s attention over the last 51/2 years. What, if anything, would you have done differently if you were the president.
Obama: To start with, I would not have gotten us into the war in Iraq, I have said that plainly and repeatedly over the past 5 years. I believe the war was a mistake, and the way we handled the war was a mistake from day one. However, I do believe that our troops did a great job and they deserve our support.
Lehrer: But didn’t you vote to cut funding for the troops.
Obama: Um…Uh…yes, but that was to bring them home sooner, with honor
Lehrer: So you believe leaving Iraq in the midst of the war with Al Qaeda on the rise would have been with honor.
Obama: Well now…no, that’s not what I said. I said we needed to systematically draw down our levels of troops and redeploy them elsewhere. And besides, Al Qaeda wasn’t in Iraq before we got there.
Lehrer: But they were in Iraq after we got there, right?
Obama: Well yes…sort of…It wasn’t the Al Qaeda I know. It was some other Al Qaeda. Besides, that wasn’t our fight, hunting Bin Laden was. I know where he is, and if I’m elected President, I’ll find him and bring him to justice.
Lehrer: This brings me to my next question. Did you actually support giving terrorists caught on the battlefield constitutional rights and legal representation?
Obama: Of course, if our constitution doesn’t cover foreigners, who does it cover? Everyone is entitled to an attorney. That’s why I studied law, because the world needs more lawyers. Besides, most of these terrorists, er…freedom fighters, are simply misunderstood. They grew up in poverty because of America’s crass imperialism. I’m sure if we just talked to them and gave them more money, they would change their minds and stop trying to destroy us.
Lehrer: But weren’t the highjackers on 911 educated and moderately well off? Isn’t Bin Laden himself a multi-millionaire?
Obama: Well…um…yes, but most of the people in the world are poorer than us, so they hate us. The Iranians for instance, they can barely afford their jihad. If they had more money, they would stop hating us. Everyone around the world hates us. We have too much money, that’s why. That is why I proposed the Global Poverty Act, to give the UN control over all our money, so they can distribute it to all the poorer countries, and then they will stop hating us.
Lehrer: But if they hate us so, why are so many people around the world are trying to move here, whether legally or illegally.
Obama: Because they hate us! And now that I’m President, they will stop hating us, and Michelle will be proud to be an American.
Lehrer: Excuse me, Senator, but you’re not President yet, you have to be elected first.
Obama: We all know that is just a formality. After all, the world wants me to be President. Haven’t you seen the gold coins I’ve had minted. (reaches into his pocket and produces one of the coins) See! It has my picture on it. And on the back is a picture of the White House. It says “President of the United States” on it, just like on the seat in my jet. I had a presidential seal once, but David Axelrod said I couldn’t use it until after the election. No fair! Once I’m President, he’ll get his! So will everyone else who didn’t support my candidacy. I’m the ONE! How dare they disrespect me! After I’m through with them, they’ll wish they were in a Russian gulag. I have big plans, and no one is going to stop me! Not you, not John McCain, not that moose hunting, hockey mom he chose for a vice-president either. I will destroy them all and this country along with them if I don’t get my way. I’ll claim it’s racism. You won’t vote for me because you’re all racists. TYPICAL WHITE RACISTS!!! I HATE YOU ALL!!!!
(auditorium is silent, camera pans around at the jaw gaping crowd. Crickets chirp in the distance)
Lehrer: Well, perhaps it’s best to end this debate here. Is there anything you would like to add?
Obama: Did I mention that they love me over in Europe?
Lehrer: On behalf of PBS, thank you from Oxford, Mississippi and good night. (under his breath: “Geez, what a putz!”)
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