Russia, Let’s Make a Deal

Come on down Russia and lets share a few beers before we accidentally start a full blown nuclear (we’re all gonna die) war over the Ukraine.  Honestly, most people in America can’t even find that country on the map but then we could’t find Vietnam either and look how swell that turned out.  So, lets negotiate.  War is so messy.  Hey, do you remember those wonderful years we spent together in WWII fighting the evil Nazis? Good times.  Look, we both got our asses kicked in Afghanistan-so we have that in common. Our countries have both grown weary of war and would rather play chess than fight. Sorry about Elizabeth Harmon beating Borgov at the Moscow Invitational in the Queens Gambit. She did play chess with the locals, spoke Russian and wore white after Labor Day, so that should count for some good will.

Consider our ‘beer summit’ the back channel to avoid a war like Ben Affleck accomplished in the movie, The Sum of All Fears. Everyone thought for sure that the Russians nuked Baltimore, Maryland, vaporized two professional football teams and killed Morgan Freeman.  I am still in shock over Morgan Freeman who is a beloved natural treasure. Actually, it worked out in the end, except for that rich dude lighting a cigarette in his Mercedes.  I know that smoking is hazardous to your health but that dude went completely to pieces.  KABOOM!

All of that is water under the bridge and it would be mutually advantageous to the world if we avoid another needless conflict. Here is our one time, limited offer:

Don’t Invade the Ukraine and We’ll Give You California!

Yep, you heard me-the whole state. Unfortunately, liberals have completely destroyed what once was considered the most beautiful place to live in the country. Yeah, those days of California dreaming are over.  The Beach Boys stopped having fun, fun, fun now that carjackers stole the T-Bird away.   Los Angeles morphed into Dante’s fifth circle of hell and San Francisco, once the crown jewel of the state, is covered with feces, homeless people and anarchy in the streets.  Conservatives are fleeing to Red States and according to Gavin Newsom, “gangs of people” are fearlessly robbing trains again.  The wild, wild west has returned and everyone is packing heat and forming their own posses.

I know what you’re thinking-can we really give up Disneyland?  Disneyland is no longer an option for middle class families.  A one day ticket is now about $5,000 and  a lunch of two hamburgers, a coke and a small fry is $100.00.  I only know three families who can afford to spend a day at that expensive amusement park:  The Bidens, the Obamas and the Clintons.

How about the movie industry?  Nope, won’t miss them for a second.  They haven’t produced a good, wholesome family movie in five years.  I love, NOT watching those tedious award shows.  They give Oscars to mediocre actors for appearing in depressing movies no one has ever seen or ever plans to see. Studios, in an effort to generate money, crank out crappy sequels:  Spiderman 8-Far From the Buffet in the Nursing Home, is a real nugget.  You also get to keep all of the whiny, entitled, overpaid actors who have elevated annoying to an art form.

However, my offer has two caveats:  1) Liberals are not allowed to leave the state for any reason. Liberals are encouraged to move to California but they must stay forever. 2) ALL SALES ARE FINAL. We have a strict no return policy: don’t even think about it.  Also, California cannot be exchanged for any other state.

That’s the deal on the table.  This extremely generous offer expires at midnight. We might throw in Portland, but only if push comes to shove.  I think that we just clandestinely avoided WWIII. Would you like another beer?