Biden Loses His Mask and Cities Lose Their Cops

Joe recently had a meltdown after reading from his teleprompter at a local movie drive in theater when his face mask went missing. He panicked and called the FBI for assistance. Unfortunately, 12 crack FBI agents were already preoccupied kicking down the door of an innocent couple in Alaska because the armed G-men erroneously thought that the Huepers snatched Pelosi’s laptop during their visit to the Capital on January 6. Wow. What happened to the FBI? They used to be the gold standard for law enforcement, and now they appear to be mimicking the Keystone Cops on steroids. Also, I didn’t even know that Pelosi’s laptop was missing. I thought that story was a suburban myth, but apparently someone actually snatched the device. Thanks, FBI, for the update! The media quickly debunked the story and surprisingly (not) it disappeared down the memory hole. Can you imagine the deep, dark, secrets hiding on that hard drive? That’s probably why another 7 FBI agents recently tore up Giuliani’s apartment. They may have received an anonymous tip from someone’s flying monkeys that Rudy was hiding her laptop under his bed.
 
Anyway, back to the case of Joe’s missing surgical mask. Dr. Jill jumped to the rescue and after an exhaustive search, found Joe’s mask hiding in his pocket. Whew, crisis averted. Just another televised sorry spectacle that should have world leaders wondering just who is running our government. Joe, who is entrusted with our nuclear codes and according to Psaki is “fit as a fiddle,” needed two Georgia Senators and his wife to find his own facemask. I’ll sleep better tonight. What could possibly go wrong with Joe at the helm?
 
In other missing news, apparently police in Seattle, Portland, Minneapolis, St. Louis and Philadelphia are retiring, quitting and getting the hell out of Dodge. Nobody blames them. The men and women in blue courageously protecting those cities with their lives are demoralized, defunded and quitting en masse because all the whiny, pampered, millennials are sick and tired of the po-po getting all up in their biz and actually maintaining law and order. They want to defund the police? Why bother? The police will be gone soon enough. The quality of life in those metropolises will deteriorate and eventually resemble Somalia in the springtime. Then the whiny, entitled snowflakes will flee the cities they contaminated, board a bus and take their circus of horrors on the road to destroy healthy red states.
 
Joe pondered and pondered the solution to this problem spreading across America. Who could replace the police? Who could he call? Ghostbusters? Batman? Nope. Joe shouted eureka! He decided to call his best buds, the Chinese for help.
 



 
The Chinese have a million armed soldiers standing around looking for something to do, invade, steal or all of the above. The Chinese appreciated Joe’s invitation and said that they would be over to help. Joe thanked them profusely for their generosity and offered them unlimited access to any top secret information that would aid them in their mission to protect our cities. Joe insisted on one caveat-they must wear face masks. In a tweet to the press and all of those deplorable Trump supporters, Joe said, “Hey, all you lying, dog faced, pony soldiers, Xi Ping Pong seems awfully nice, and I trust him. This is my brilliant idea, not that stupid Trump who I beat by 80 million votes in 1820.”
 
Not to be outdone, the Russians also volunteered to assist in protecting our cities. They offered an armored division and two battalions of armed troops. Joe welcomed their participation and inquired if they needed help getting to America. A Russian commander said, “Neyt. We’re already here. We just walked across your southern border a week ago, wearing BIDEN INVITED US tee shirts. Some Park Ranger dude sitting in an olive green Bronco checked our papers, muttered, “Nobody tells me diddly squat,” and waved us across. We are loving your barbecue and Mickey D’s!”
 
You see, everything will work out fine in the end. Joe is happy and signed his 111th Executive Order to allow the Russian and Chinese troops to remain permanently in America. A few Republicans who were interviewed about the monarch’s new mandate, appeared on CNN and said that they couldn’t care less because they still get paid, love the perks of the office and are protected by concertina wire and men with machine guns.
 
It’s a win/win scenario Why not let Chinese and Russian troops fill the void? These cities need some protection, seem to adore Communism, and may benefit from the nurturing love that these troops are trained to convey. Yes, those bayonets are sharp, but riots would quickly become a thing of the past. Agitators would mysteriously disappear in the night and wake up refreshed in one of the quaint, picturesque, gulags located deep in Siberia. A huge bearded man with a name tag that states, HELLO I’M IVAN will serve a Continental breakfast and discuss all the fun activities scheduled for the day.
 
I love the smell of Joe’s presidency in the morning. It’s the smell of defeat without even fighting a war.