In a few days we’ll see the final installment in the train wreck that has been the new Star Wars trilogy. There have been lots of articles and videos made on how bad things are going to be. A good one with potential spoilers is this one from Overlord DVD. And there’s lots of detail, so when the movie gets released it will be interesting to see how much was correct. Of course, when I use the term “spoiler”, that suggests that I actually care how this series ends. Having sat through that boring, lazy reboot that was Episode VII, and the insulting, gigantic middle finger to the fans and franchise that was Episode VIII, I’m not even mad anymore. I just don’t care – they’ve ruined all of the old characters, and there isn’t a single new character or storyline that even remotely interests me. I could go on about this, but as the title of this post suggests, that’s not why I’m writing here today.
The previous movies ruined all of the main old characters. Luke is some pathetic, bitter old man. Han became a loser drifter who left his family to spend his days road tripping around the galaxy with his buddy (although let’s not forget that Return of the Jedi turned Han into a wus). The Solo movie (while flawed and fell well short of its potential, was fun to watch) turned Lando into some bizarre robot loving “pansexual”. But the most criminal transformation might have been Leia. She was a strong, heroic female character, and beloved by all fans. By the end of Episode VIII, her character was mutated into Hillary Clinton. The analogy isn’t perfect, as Leia doesn’t seem to be an alcoholic, nor does she spend decades enabling the galaxy’s most famous sexual predator. But let’s get to the categories where the end results are the same. I previously broke down how *every* woman in the supposedly Feminist Episode VIII turned out to be incompetent, but let’s focus on Leia:
Failed Diplomat
You might already be calling me out and saying, “No way! At no point did Leia hand Snoke an “Overcharge” button, nor did she take a fortune in credits for “donations” to the Organa foundation and generous speaking fees to Han in exchange for the material needed for the First Order to build their new Death Star.” But look at Episode VIII when Leia’s fleet was being chased down and she put out the distress call to their allies asking for help. Nobody showed up to help. As Jim Geraghty pointed out in one of his podcasts, maybe life under Alliance rule & Leia isn’t so good? Or maybe life under The First Order (TFO) isn’t so bad? For that matter, in Episode VII how did she have no knowledge of a planet sized Death Star being built? Shouldn’t someone in her position have even the most basic intel on some big plans by a rival power?
Failed Politician
There’s no need to revisit how Hillary earned this title. What about Leia? We just reviewed her horrific intel failure regarding TFO. She also doesn’t know how to get good people working in her administration. After Captain Flyboy committed insubordination by getting part of their fleet destroyed taking down the dreadnaught, he goes on to lead an effort to basically run a coup against her leadership. Then of course, she brings in Admiral Gender Studies to defeat TFO, who proceeds to get the entire fleet destroyed save for The Millennium Falcon. Is this seriously the best talent she can find? Under your watch your home planet gets destroyed due to intel failures and your entire fleet wiped out because you’ve surrounded yourself with incompetence?
Failed Mother
This is a tough one, as it’s hard to blame parents for the shortcomings of their grown children. But let’s face it, both Chelsea and Kylo-Stimpy had every advantage in life. Chelsea grows up to “not care about money”, while growing up in a well to do household, getting handed a “journalist” job despite being completely unqualified, and then marrying a hedge fund manager. Tough life! This is the same woman who, despite (or perhaps because of) being well educated, thinks that someone with a beard and penis can become a woman. She also worried that a picture of Abraham Lincoln wearing a MAGA hat was a Photoshop. Or that when the man who saved America from having to live with her mother’s sensible shoe on its throat praised the relief effort for a hurricane, she thought he was praising the storm itself. You get the idea. If a kid with this many opportunities grows up to be this lacking in common sense, maybe you should have spent more time teaching your kid throughout her childhood?
Kylo Stimpy is a bit tougher, but if your kid grows up to be a mass murderer after growing up with every opportunity in the world, you bear some responsibility. Knowing your family history, maybe you should have been a bit wary when your boy seems to be fond of his genocidal grandfather who he never met? Or maybe leaving him with your creepy brother who spent a few decades rated as “Corsucant People” magazine’s #1 eligible bachelor year after year? Usually you get a sign or two that your brother is thinking of murdering his nephew. Of course, we can’t blame Leia entirely, as we don’t know how much his father walking out on his family affected things. Which leads us to…
Failed Wife
Hillary is easy. You have no business calling yourself a champion of women when you spend decades enabling the world’s most famous sexual predator. And if after a few decades of putting up with your husband’s sometimes consensual extramarital affairs you’re genuinely surprised that he used a girl just a few years older than your daughter as a humidor you’re not too bright.You could also protest this one, “Wait a minute! Leia never got in the face of Juanit-gon Broad-rizz to intimidate her into silence after Han raped her!” But let’s face it, how bad does life with you have to be that your husband would turn his back on you & your son to go back to the dangerous, day to day existence of road tripping around the galaxy with his buddy?
In conclusion, Kathleen Kennedy, Round Head Johnson & JJ Abrams have committed many crimes against the Star Wars universe. It may not be the biggest story, but let’s not let the Hillarization of Leia be forgotten.
CNN attacks Star Wars fans! We're now Russian trolls!https://t.co/53SQzgmLSe
— The Pro-H1B1 Railfan #ACAB #JailTrump (@1776Railfan) December 14, 2019
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Cross posted from Brother Bob’s Blog
Appreciate the article and well written, but I can’t remember which episode I punched out on. I’ve lost interest. Maybe Jar-Jar did it.
I guess he could be compared to Biden, huh?
The first 3 that were released after the originals were enough for me, never bothered to place them in the VHS dvd collection.
Jurassic Parks fared better cause carnivorous dinosaurs cant be SJW feminists, and 4 year old boys love dinosaurs eating random park tourists. Sorry Barney.
So, if you are a Star Wars fan, you have to watch these two shows:
Star War Rebels – (animated, but awesome)
The Mandalorian – (the feel is strong, with this one)
The two above shows include everything I’ve ever loved about Star Wars.
Do it!
But anyway, I’ve just been open to the new trilogy and enjoyed it for what it is. What people really want is the time period around the original movies, not 30 years before or 30 years after. They should stick to that (Rogue One was rad).
Three cuts of Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker exist:
A Kathleen Kennedy / J.J. Abrams version that absolutely tanked with test screening audiences.
The aggregate score for the Kathleen Kennedy / J.J. Abrams cut is said to be a 29, just awful.
Disney CEO Bob Iger’s reworked version scored a 65.
George Lucas incorporates both the Kenney / Abrams version and the Iger version, but during the third act George Lucas introduces a secret Skywalker.
The Lucas version is said to have scored an 88.
I read that Lucas came out of one of these screenings looking like someone he loved had just died.
I’d prefer to remember Star Wars as it was, before Jar-Jar, too.
I took my recently widowed mom to the original on opening day and she loved the long line, the happy crowd, the sweep of the movie.
She raved about it for years! That’s what I’ll remember.
@Deplorable Me: Bill Whittle had one of the best takes on the new trilogy; “Rose Tico makes Jar Jar Binks look like Boba Fett”
@kitt: As bad as they were, I still enjoy the prequels. The may be bad, but at least they’re fun to watch.. I’d also argue that Revenge of the Sith (III) is better than Jedi. Everyone remembers the beginning and the end, but Jedi drags in the middle, it has the Ewoks, and Han becomes a bed wetting mama’s boy. Apparently freezing in carbonite has long term effects on testicles…
@Nathan Blue: I’ve watched Rebels, and it is good. I’ll check Mandalorian in a few weeks. As much as I hate the idea of giving more money to Disney, Sister Babe is probably going to make me sign up for it while Little Bob is home on Winter Break
very well written and presented. never interested in the movie series but gave very good insight as to why people watch it.
@Brother Bob: You know, I really think you’ll like it. It’s somehow more like the old ones, but completely original.
And having EVERY marvel/pixar/star wars movie available is pretty cool.
@Nathan Blue: I’m sure I’ll like it – I’ve heard lots of good things about it. It sounds like the series was made from the remains of the scuttled Boba Fett movie. I’ll have feedback in a week or two
Star WHAT? I loved the first 3, rapidly lost interest from that point on.