Posted by Wordsmith on 18 September, 2011 at 7:51 am. 6 comments already!

Sept. 9, 2011

“President Obama introduced his $447 billion jobs plan. A lot of economists say it could work — if we had $447 billion.” –Jay Leno

“Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education if elected president. In fact, if there’s no Department of Education, it would make it easier for her to be elected.” –Jay Leno

“Bachmann’s campaign manager stepped down, her deputy campaign manager left, and God hasn’t called her in weeks.” –Jay Leno

“Cuban leader Fidel Castro made a rare TV appearance yesterday. He said everyone keeps reporting that he’s dead, but he’s actually alive and well. He said he went on TV, basically to prove he’s still alive. It’s pretty much the same reason President Obama was on TV last night. ‘I’m still here! I’ve got your jobs!'” –Jay Leno

“In his speech President Obama called the plan the ‘American Jobs Act.’ It sounds a lot better than the original title, the ‘Save My Ass Act.'” –Jay Leno

“In his speech, President Obama introduced a $400 billion plan called the ‘American Jobs Act.’ They would have had a more creative name, but the guy that comes up with names got laid off six months ago.” –Jimmy Fallon

“House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama’s jobs plan merits consideration. Then he was like, ‘In fact, I’ll do it right now. OK, I hate it.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. But we’re still the fattest, so that’s good.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The virus in the movie ‘Contagion’ is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I’m talking about President Obama.” –Craig Ferguson

Sept. 12, 2011

“President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he’s the kind of person that sees the country as ‘half employed.'” –Conan O’Brien

“A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.” –Conan O’Brien

“Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a ‘bedrock conservative.’ When he heard this, John McCain said, ‘I grew up in Bedrock, and I don’t remember seeing him.'” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s being reported that Rick Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There was another boy that liked her too but Perry had him executed.” – Conan O’Brien

“In England a dominatrix is saying a prominent politician used to hire her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties you down and then flosses you.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Republican debate was up against Monday night football. It was like NFL vs. LOL.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney said that President Obama, does not understand that the president doesn’t create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he’s elected president.” –Jay Leno

“Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That’s the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders.” –Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad that in Texas Rick Perry had to execute convicts just by throwing a toaster in the bath tub! That’s how bad.” –Jay Leno

“If the Tea Party cared about us they wouldn’t have scheduled their debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots. That’s something Kenyans would do.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A new study found that in the last 30 years, the average home size has increased by 600 square feet. Which is fitting, since in the last 30 years, the average person size has increased by 600 square feet.” –Jimmy Fallon

“His New York district is having a special election to replace Anthony Wiener. I was going to make a joke, but it’s just so hard at this point …” –Jimmy Fallon

“There’s a commemorative 9/11 Merlot, perfect for when you’re drinking to never forget. ” –Stephen Colbert

‎”You know what I love most about that speech to the Congressional joint session? The awesome cutaways to uncomfortable Republicans.” –Jon Stewart

Sept. 13, 2011

“Some Tea Party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from ‘Toddlers & Tiaras.'” –Conan O’Brien

“The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.” –Conan O’Brien

“Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they’re warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended.” –Jay Leno

“There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night football on ESPN.” –Jay Leno

“The White House is planning an official state trip to Australia this November. Which explains why Biden spent all day looking for an Australian translator.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don’t like this focus on paying for things. That’s what future generations are for.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A new report says there has been a sharp increase in the use of marijuana over the last year. Maybe that explains the sharp increase in unemployment over the last year.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Anderson Cooper is on CNN, “60 Minutes” and now daytime TV. He’s like a male Ryan Seacrest. Anderson’s a serious journalist. He’s been to places torn apart by strife, like Bosnia and ‘The View.'” –Craig Ferguson

“People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.” –Craig Ferguson

“Anderson Cooper was on the Johnny Carson ‘Tonight Show’ when he was 3 years old. And then he was bumped by a 2-year-old Jay Leno. That was back when Jay Leno was nothing but diapers and a chin. Just like now.” –Craig Ferguson

Sept. 14, 2011

“The Democrats lost a seat they’ve held in New York since the 1920s. The White House said, ‘At least President Obama created one new job.'” –Jay Leno

“Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of ‘The View.’ So apparently he’s willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point.” –Jay Leno

“After saying the jobs bill is paid for, President Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can’t figure out if he’s the kind of guy who makes infomercials, or the kind of guy who falls for infomercials.” –Jay Leno

“Italy is asking China to help bail them out of their debt crisis. Doesn’t that make you mad? Hey Italy, China is our sugar daddy.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s re-election campaign is doing a contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if you come in 2nd place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney’s campaign is offering a chance to win a day with Romney. It’s called, ‘Vote for Mitt Romney or else you’ll have to spend a day with Mitt Romney.'” –Conan O’Brien

“A law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon release thousands of female prisoners. The man’s a genius. Soon thousands of women who haven’t been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe Arnold a favor.” –Conan O’Brien

“A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Taco Bell is product testing a new taco with a shell made of a giant Dorito. Michelle Obama spent the morning watering the White House garden with her tears.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it’s looking increasingly likely that in a year, he’ll be one of them.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“If I was president, I’d freeze everyone in carbonite until the job market improves. It worked for Han Solo.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“People are blaming President Obama for Republicans winning a Congressional seat in New York, but I say, like the face of a guy who passes out at a frat party, this one has Weiner written all over it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The government is about to release a report on what went wrong during the BP oil spill. Or as fish put it, ‘Hey, no rush.'” –Jimmy Fallon


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