Sunday Funnies

May 13, 2011

“The SEALs recovered an extensive stash of pornography from Bin Laden’s compound. It’s probably not easy just having sex with the same 11 wives all the time. There were interesting titles: ‘Debby Does Abbottabad,’ ‘Deep Goat,’ ‘Bare Ankles 4,’ and ‘2 Humps, 1 Camel.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“Another Republican is about to announce he is running for president. Newt Gingrich is about to announce. Some people say Newt Gingrich may have trouble winning over traditional values voters because he has had three marriages. So as a result, the campaign has announced a new slogan, ‘Newt Gingrich, so committed to marriage, he can’t stop doing it.'” -Conan O’Brien

“President Obama campaign just moved into a 50,000 square foot office in downtown Chicago. Meanwhile, Ron Paul’s campaign landed a sweet kiosk at the mall.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Joe Biden said that working on the deficit with Republicans is like carpooling to work. In response, everyone who carpools with Biden was like, ‘It can’t be that bad.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“New rule: you can’t rail against the decadence of the west and also maintain a fairly extensive porn collection. Yes, it turns out 9/11 wasn’t bin Laden’s only masterstroke. Among the titles found in his compound were ‘Deep Goat,’ ‘Radical Jizzlam,’ ‘Barely Visible,’ ’72 Virgins and One Very Exhausted Ron Jeremy, and, of course, ‘Yentl.'” -Bill Maher

“Well, the presidential race is getting interesting. In an effort to clear up his reputation as a flip-flopper, Mitt Romney will give a speech on health care. And then, right afterward, he’ll give a five-minute rebuttal.” -Jay Leno

“Iran’s intelligence minister claims to have proof that Osama bin Laden was dead before the Navy SEALs found him. Does anyone believe Iran has an intelligence minister? That’s like Pakistan having a truth minister.” -Jay Leno

“They have found Osama bin Laden’s diary. Some entries: ‘Very unhappy with TV reception. Death to Time-Warner.’ ‘Three wives, one bathroom, you do the math.’ The final entry: ‘Dear Diary, can’t talk now. Someone’s at the door. Hope it’s the Domino’s guy.'” -David Letterman

May 16, 2011

“Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump’s supporters – all of whom are late night comedians.” -Conan O’Brien

“Both Mike Huckabee and Donald Trump have announced they will not run for president. Huckabee’s announcement opens the door for Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum, and Trump’s announcement opens the door for Randy Quaid and Gary Busey.” -Conan O’Brien

“Republican candidate Ron Paul came out for the legalization of heroin and prostitution, unfortunately not in time to be cast as Charlie Sheen’s replacement on ‘Two and a Half Men.'” -Conan O’Brien

“They found so much porn at Bin Laden’s compound that they’re investigating whether the porn was used to send coded messages. So remember guys, from now on when your lady catches you, you’re not looking at porn, you’re analyzing coded messages. ‘Honey, I wasn’t looking at porn. I’m in Al Qaeda.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Two days after the raid on Osama bin Laden, Disney trademarked the name, ‘SEAL Team 6.’ They also renamed their most popular ride, ‘It’s a Small World – and We Will Find Where You’re Hiding and Kill You.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Trump says he wants to spend more time bullying obscure celebrities. That one-man juggernaut Mike Huckabee is not running. The Republicans are really scrambling for a guy to lose to Obama.” -David Letterman

“They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden’s compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues.” -David Letterman

“Sen. John Kerry is in Pakistan, sending a strong message to the government and the people. The message is, ‘We think this is important enough to send John Kerry.'” -David Letterman

“It was annoying when John Kerry got off the plane and everyone kept asking him, ‘Why the long face?'” -David Letterman

“Al Qaeda is looking for someone to replace Osama bin Laden. They’re thinking about Ashton Kutcher.” -David Letterman

“They wanted someone less controversial than Charlie Sheen but the head of the International Monetary Fund was busy” -David Letterman.

“The United States has hit the debt ceiling. Do you know what that means? Neither do I. I do think it would be wise for all of us to learn to speak Chinese.” -David Letterman

“As an American, I am relieved that Donald Trump is not running for president. But as a vulgar late night entertainer, I feel a certain amount of regret.” -Craig Ferguson

“Trump is out, and Mike Huckabee is out. At this point, the only person that could derail President Obama’s re-election is Joe Biden.” -Craig Ferguson

“The U.S. has hit the debt ceiling. I think we should do what we always do when faced with a nightmarish problem: replace it with Ashton Kutcher.” -Craig Ferguson

“After borrowing money for years, we hit the magic number: $14.3 trillion. It’s the maximum amount the government is allowed to borrow. Our credit card is maxed out. Our creditors include the Chinese government, the Japanese government, and a guy named Vinnie the Fist.” -Craig Ferguson

“Disney is trademarking the phrase ‘SEAL Team 6,’ after the team that took down Osama bin Laden. Yeah, cause when they shot bin Laden, captured his wives and found his porn, I was like, ‘This would make a great Disney movie.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview, President Obama said that killing Osama bin Laden does not secure his 2012 re-election. Yeah, that’s been taken care of by the current field of Republicans.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 27 this weekend. At his party it was fun to reconnect with old friends, but then everybody’s parents showed up and made it weird.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can’t find his birth certificate.” -Jay Leno

“To save money, Washington state has canceled next year’s presidential primaries. If we could just get the other 49 states to do this, the candidates wouldn’t have anywhere to campaign and we would have the best election year ever.” -Jay Leno

“The French head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested in New York for sexually assaulting a hotel maid. Or as the French call it, room service.” -Jay Leno

“There’s talk of a new “Mad Max” movie, where gas is so expensive people steal and kill to get it. It takes place in the future … like July.” -Jay Leno

“Porn Identity: Al Jizzera: Dead Man Wanking: Friday the news broke: a stash of pornography was found inside Osama bin Laden’s compound. Even before Navy SEALs shot out his eyes, bin Laden was probably going blind anyway.” -Jon Stewart

May 17, 2011

“President Obama’s approval rating, which got a bump after killing bin Laden, has slipped again. Which is really bad news – not for the president, for Moammar Gaddafi.” -Jay Leno

“You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid.” -Jay Leno

“Today Arnold was offered the job as the new head of the International Monetary Fund.” -Jay Leno

“I’m Conan O’Brien, or as I can now publicly call myself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jr.” -Conan O’Brien

“Schwarzenegger secretly fathered a child outside of his marriage 10 years ago. He told his wife at the time but it took 10 years for her to figure out what he was saying.” -Conan O’Brien

“Arnold kept the child secret for 10 years. So maybe he is a good actor after all.” -Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.” -David Letterman

“Trump won’t run for president. I’m thinking this could be the beginning of another comedy recession.” -David Letterman

“I’m disappointed that Trump isn’t running. I was really looking forward to not voting for him.” -David Letterman

“Trump said that NBC talked him into staying. Then Conan O’Brien said, ‘Don’t fall for that.'” -David Letterman

“I mention Newt Gingrich is running for President, nothing. I mention Donald Trump is not running, you go crazy. Think a minute. Which campaign would have made you happier?” -David Letterman

“The Navy SEALs found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden’s bedroom. Must have been tricky. It’s hard enough to hide porn from one wife.” -Craig Ferguson

“Arnold is already coming up with excuses. He said he was just auditioning to be the next head of the IMF.” -Craig Ferguson

“I guess ‘love child’ is a nicer term than ‘OK-Maria’s-asleep child.’ The woman was an employee. I’m not sure what she did, but I think she worked on Arnold’s staff.” -Craig Ferguson

“I don’t know that ‘love child’ is an accurate term. I’d call it an ‘oh crap’ child.” -Jimmy Kimmel, on Arnold Schwarzenegger having a child with his maid 10 years ago

“There have been rumors going around for years now about a half Austrian, half Mexican baby – who could bench-press a Ford Expedition.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“I mean – when he came out of the womb and snapped his own umbilical chord – you’d think that would be a sign.” -Jimmy Kimmel

May 18, 2011

“Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. The woman’s husband became suspicious when he realized she was the first maid to make $1 million a year.” -Jay Leno

“Arnold kept this secret for more than 10 years. You know how he did it? He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy.” -Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney raised over $10 million in eight hours. The guy owns a gas station down the street from my house. It’s no big deal.” -Jay Leno

“Romney raised $10 million. That’s a dollar for every position he’s had on healthcare.” -Jay Leno

“Ron Paul announced that he will run for president, and he supports the legalization of prostitution and heroin. If he does win, it will be one heck of a victory party.” -Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump is not running for president. The whole thing was a publicity stunt? Really?” -David Letterman

“Trump says that NBC talked him into staying. That’s funny because I had just the opposite experience.” -David Letterman

“Al-Qaida has a new leader. Experts are calling him a temporary leader – and so is SEAL Team 6. ” -David Letterman

“It’s quite a success story for the new leader. He worked his way up all the way from the mail bomb room.” -David Letterman

“I mostly feel bad for this kid that now has to learn how to spell the name Schwarzenegger.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Maria Shriver had dinner with Oprah the other night, so Arnold is in a lot of trouble. He should start looking into fortified compounds in Abbottabad.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is ‘National Visit Your Relatives Day!’ Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, ‘Better make it two days.'” -Jimmy Fallon

May 19, 2011

“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have put their former mansion on the market for $23.5 million. It’s not that clean though, because they had a maid but she was always busy doing other stuff.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Dick Cheney is releasing a memoir in August about his personal and political life. I’m not going to say reading it is torture. It’s more of an enhanced interrogation technique.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid, and now the kid is mad at her for lying to him all these years. She’d told him his father was an actor.” –Jay Leno

“You know what’s going to happen. Arnold will check into a sex addiction clinic, and next season the maid will go on ‘Dancing with the Stars.'”
-Jay Leno

“A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. But Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife and his mistress and the other woman he’s seeing on the side.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama suggested that Israel should go back to the pre-1967 borders. Native Americans said, “Why stop there? Let’s go back to the pre-1492 borders.”” –Jay Leno

“Katie Couric is leaving the evening news to have a morning talk show. Unless Jay wants it, of course. We’ll spin the wheel to see who she’ll be replaced by. Charlie Sheen!” –Jay Leno

“Officials at the Secret Service had to delete a tweet from their official Twitter account because they made fun of Fox News. Knock it off, Secret Service! That’s my job.” -Craig Ferguson

“What is the Secret Service doing with a Twitter account? Isn’t it their job to keep stuff secret?” –Craig Ferguson

“A TSA worker was arrested in L.A. for stealing from suitcases. Remember this was just one bad apple. Over 99% of TSA workers just want to cup your balls. And if that makes someone a criminal, put me in jail.” –Craig Ferguson

“Everyone in the blamestream media, copyright, is saying Newt Gingrich is on the ropes. Wrong, you parasites. This man will rise again, just like the sourdough he appears to be made of.” –Stephen Colbert

“The world is ending on Saturday. It would really, really suck if we only get to live three weeks longer than bin laden.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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