Sunday Funnies

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Friday Jun 13 2014
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The World Cup action is going crazy. Mexico won the match against Cameroon. Thousands of Mexicans are dancing and going crazy in the Mexican city of Los Angeles.

I was surprised how many Cameroon fans there are in Hollywood. There are big names like Cameroon Diaz and James Cameroon.

It’s Friday the 13th and it’s a full moon. There won’t be another full moon on Friday the 13th until the year 2049. By then it’ll be a national holiday, declared by President Honey Boo Boo.

A full moon on Friday the 13th is very rare, indeed. It’s a combination of things you don’t see often, like the Bravo network and straight dudes. Like the L.A. Lakers and winning. Like the Pope and a small hat. Like supermodels and food.

People are saying that the Kardashians think Khloe’s new boyfriend doesn’t love her. They think he’s simply using her to be famous or as they put it, “Welcome to the family.”

Monday Jun 16 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Last night the San Antonio Spurs beat the world champion Miami Heat to win the NBA title. You could tell the Heat players didn’t have their heads in the game, especially when some of them left to catch the season finale of “Game of Thrones.”

LeBron James had 31 points, 10 rebounds, and five assists in the Heat’s loss to the Spurs. While his teammates had, uh, a lot of fun out there.

President Obama just had his annual physical, which showed that he’s suffering some pain in his right foot. When asked why he doesn’t get it treated, Obama said bitterly, “It’s not covered by Obamacare.”

Alex Trebek has broken a world record for game-show hosts, after hosting 6,829 shows in his career. When asked how he’s made it through so many shows, Trebek said, “What is Scotch?”
Conan

Last night 7 million people watched the “Game of Thrones” season finale. Seven million people. That’s one viewer for each “Game of Thrones” character.

The World Cup is underway. A lot of World Cup soccer players have been faking injuries to draw a penalty from the other team. Meanwhile, a lot of Americans have been faking following the World Cup.

Pope Francis has pledged to remain neutral during the World Cup. When asked why, the Pope said, “I picked the Miami Heat and look how that turned out.”

Late Show with David Letterman

I had the best Father’s Day I’ve ever had. It was my 10th Father’s Day, and my wife and my son were so sweet on Sunday morning. Rather than rushing in and waking me up, they were kind enough to just let me sleep it off.

Over the weekend, President Obama got his annual presidential physical. His cholesterol is up and his approval rating is down.

Obama wants to lower his cholesterol, but Congress is blocking him.

The doctor said Obama passed his physical. That’s the first thing he’s passed in the second term.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Some Northern California counties want to form a separate state. They smoke a lot of weed up there. What would you call a state based on marijuana? Toke-lahoma. Flori-duh. How about Spliffs-consin? Dela-weed. New Hemp-shire.

“22 Jump Street” is a new buddy cop movie. That’s been a Hollywood staple for years. They’ve given us pairings like Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy, Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker, Mel Gibson and the voices in his head.

“22 Jump Street” stars Channing Tatum. I love Channing Tatum. And he’s got range. Even his name Channing Tatum could be anything from an action star to a servant on “Downton Abbey.”

“Star Trek” is a successful film franchise. It’s easy to forget it started as a TV show — unless you’re like me and you know William Shatner. Then you never forget because he always reminds you.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tonight we’re joined by the newly crowned Stanley Cup champion Los Angeles Kings. And they brought the Stanley Cup with them. You know, it’s easy to forget that these tough, gritty, heavily bearded guys are playing for what is essentially an oversized piece of dinnerware.

Last night the San Antonio Spurs really pounded the Miami Heat in Game 5 of the finals. They are now the NBA champions. Miami was so far behind in the fourth quarter, they tried to pull their goalie, but then they realized they don’t have goalies so they gave up.

Americans spend more than $1 billion each year on Father’s Day gifts, which sounds like a lot, but it’s only about 10 bucks a dad. Thanks for nothing. I’m a father. To be perfectly honest with you, I’m a little bit upset.

My kids once gave me a mug declaring me “World’s Greatest Dad.” Then yesterday I saw some other guy with a mug that said “World’s Greatest Dad” on it. I was duped.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

Congratulations to the San Antonio Spurs. The Spurs are NBA champions after defeating the defending champion Miami Heat in five games. The Spurs celebrated today by treating themselves to an extra-long practice.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West this week turned down $11 million for the rights to publish their wedding pictures. Which can only mean one thing: Someone offered them $12 million.

A new study shows that men who carry their cellphone in their pocket have a sperm count nearly 10 percent lower than those who don’t. While men who keep their cellphone on a belt clip don’t need to worry about it.

Over the weekend Starbucks announced a new program that will pay employees to take online classes at Arizona State. Said Starbucks employees, “We already went there. That’s why we work at Starbucks.”

Tuesday Jun 17 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to the U.S. soccer team for beating Ghana in the opening round of the World Cup. Yeah, they did the impossible — getting Americans to watch soccer.

In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said the Bible is the most influential book she’s ever read. Some people think she might be pandering to Southern Christian voters. Then Hillary said, “Oh come on y’all — little ol’ me?”

Google introduced a new smartphone alarm that can wake users up on the subway so they don’t miss their stop. As opposed to the alarm they use now: getting elbowed by the stranger they’re drooling on.

A woman in Massachusetts recently had twin boys who were born 24 days apart. It got weird when the second baby was born. The second twin said, “I guess I should have downloaded that alarm that wakes me up when it’s my stop.”
Conan

Today at the World Cup, Mexico and Brazil ended in a 0-0 tie. Fun fact: Both teams were ordered by their coaches to abstain from sex. In other words, these guys can’t score on or off the field.

Protesters at the World Cup got into trouble for burning American flags. It’s a shame because children in China worked very hard to make those flags.

Yesterday, the Iranian president tweeted a picture of himself all alone watching a World Cup game on television. Yeah, then he watched his favorite show — “It’s Always Sunni in Philadelphia.”

This morning the Pentagon announced that the United States has captured a leader responsible for the Benghazi attacks. Republicans were ecstatic and said, “So, they finally got Hillary?”

Late Show with David Letterman

President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out of Iraq. And now we’re back. But this time there is an exit strategy. Barack Obama has an exit strategy. In 2016, he’s gone.

Now, the way I hear it the Iraqi army had some trouble with the insurgents and they just dropped their guns, took off their uniforms, and went home — just like the Miami Heat.

Soccer is one of those things that the rest of the world cares more about than we do — you know, like healthcare, education, gun control.

If you love soccer, you have to wait four years for a World Cup. It’s like making an appointment with a VA doctor.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s Icelandic Independence Day. Happy Independence Day, Iceland, or as it will be known in 50 years — Waterland.

Iceland was named after an explorer who first discovered it: Vanilla Ice.

Actually, Iceland was settled by Vikings, those adorable people from “How to Train Your Dragon 2,” now playing at a theater near you. It’s America’s favorite family movie of the summer.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

A 10-year-old boy in New York set a new world record for his age group after running a mile in 5 minutes and 1 second. He was able to set the record after he accidentally made eye contact with a girl.

A new report shows that Brooklyn is now one of the country’s most popular baby names. Still the least popular baby name: “Staten Island.”

A Colorado man unsuccessfully tried to break into a University of Colorado ATM by spraying it with acid and waiting for it to eat the protective covering away. He was caught when authorities examined the three hours of security footage of his face.

Wednesday Jun 18 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Last night Hillary Clinton said she won’t support legalizing recreational marijuana until we see how it goes in Colorado. Officials in Colorado couldn’t respond because they were too busy swimming in a pool of money.

Scientists in North Carolina say they are developing a new peanut that is safe for people with peanut allergies. All you have to do is never mix up your safe peanut with your identical-looking deadly peanut.

A new survey found that 27 percent of airline passengers don’t like making small talk with the person sitting next to them. While the other 73 percent of airline passengers can’t take a hint.

A couple in New York found a python inside a couch while they were cleaning out their new apartment. But on the bright side, at least now they can stop looking for their cat.
Conan

President Obama’s approval rating in the U.S. is at its lowest point ever, 41 percent. After hearing this, the president said, “When did I become less popular in this country than soccer? How did that happen?”

The U.S. vs. Ghana World Cup game drew a record 15.9 million American viewers. This breaks the old record of Americans watching soccer by 15.8 million viewers.

Amazon introduced its own smartphone. You can tell it’s from Amazon because after you hang up with someone, Amazon suggests other people you might want to call.

Match.com is charging $5,000 to set you up with someone who looks like your ex. You wouldn’t believe how many guys on Match.com once dated Kate Upton.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s hot outside. It’s 88 with no end in sight. Kind of like Barbara Walters.

Crack-smoking mayor of Toronto Rob Ford is returning to Canada. He’s been in the United States in rehab. He’s going back to Canada. He traded himself for five Taliban prisoners.

Rob Ford is running for re-election. He’s got a very catchy campaign slogan. You’ll see it on bumper stickers all over Canada: “The crack stops here.”

President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, “Don’t worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Kourtney Kardashian is reportedly pregnant. Just this morning I was thinking to myself, “There just aren’t enough Kardashians.”

Kourtney’s family was surprised when they heard the news. Bruce Jenner looked shocked. He has looked shocked for a couple of years now, hasn’t he?
Jimmy Kimmel Live

HBO will offer a language course to teach “Game of Thrones” fans to speak the fictional language spoken on the show. I love that we can’t be bothered to speak Spanish, but we’ll pay to learn a language spoken only on HBO.

Starbucks has teamed up with Arizona State University to create a program that will pay for Starbucks employees to get a college degree. Starbucks is doing this because without an educated workforce, nobody will be able to afford $10 for a cup of coffee.

Clippers owner Donald Sterling is getting some much-needed R & R. That’s racism and relaxation.

Donald Sterling has been spotted with four women over the past few days. He does pretty well with the ladies for a guy whose face looks like a roasted catcher’s mitt.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

Over the weekend Afghanistan held its presidential election run-off. The way it works is everyone runs off, and whoever’s slowest has to be president of Afghanistan.

A bill has been introduced that would reduce the speed limit in New York City to 25 miles per hour, while cab drivers are just being asked to keep all four wheels on the ground.

According to a new report, Yahoo! has more diversity in its staff than Google. Meanwhile, Bing is still just the one guy.

A messaging app that is capable of sending and receiving only the word “Yo” raised $1 million from investors. It’s too bad they couldn’t see the whole message, which was, “Yo, this is a bad investment.”

Thursday Jun 19 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Queen Elizabeth is planning to visit the set of “Game of Thrones” next week. She said things are hard to keep track of because everyone keeps dying. And then Prince Charles said, “Not everyone.”

Domino’s has a new voice-activated iPhone app that will help customers order pizza. You just speak your order into the phone. Or as that’s called now, “ordering a pizza.”

A new study says Facebook users can be affected by the mood of their friends. For example, if your friend is depressed on Facebook, you’ll be depressed. And if they’re really happy on Facebook, you’ll be even more depressed.

The American Medical Association says that cheerleading should be classified as a sport because of the skill and training that goes into it. Then LeBron’s teammates said, “See? We ARE athletes.”
Conan

Boxing champ Floyd Mayweather posted on his Instagram that a half-dressed woman is asking to be disrespected. This from a guy who wears only shorts to work.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino — remember him? He was arrested for getting in a fight with his brother at a tanning salon. This marks a disturbing trend in orange-on-orange violence which cannot continue.

Late Show with David Letterman

You know where it’s bad now? Iraq. It was bad and now it’s getting worse. Today President Obama said he might have to send in Dennis Rodman.

Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.

Tomorrow is the 39th anniversary of a movie that we all saw and enjoyed and still enjoy today — “Jaws.” The director, of course, Stephen Spielberg — talk about a one-hit wonder!

Sunday night they’re broadcasting the annual Daytime Emmy Awards. They have the Prime-Time Emmy awards. These are the Daytime Emmy Awards. Same like with the Nobel Prize. They have the Daytime Nobel Prizes.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Critics Choice Awards are on tonight on the CW network. This year the CW network received zero nominations and yet they are showing the award ceremony. It’s a bit awkward. It’s like having the NBA championships at Kobe Bryant’s house.

Happy birthday to my favorite government agency, the FCC. They are 80 years old today. And they behave like every other 80-year-old.

Happy bleeping birthday to the FCC!

Happy birthday also to Paula Abdul of “American Idol” fame. Paula Abdul and the FCC are very different, of course. One’s a TV judge known for wacky decisions and sometimes not making any sense at all. And the other one is Paula Abdul.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

You know how they say if you see only one movie this summer or read only one book this summer? That’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to see one movie, read one book. Why push myself?

From the San Antonio Spurs, Tony Parker is here. Tony helped the Spurs win the NBA championship on Sunday and he’s here tonight to brag about it.

Kim Kardashian is getting her own video game. If you’re just sitting on your couch doing nothing all day, aren’t you already playing the Kim Kardashian game?

Mattel introduced a new Barbie Doll called Entrepreneur Barbie. Barbie is ready to strike out on her own to achieve her career dreams. It’s about time. She’s like 80 years old. Entrepreneur is the job your cousin who sells weed claims to have at Thanksgiving dinner.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Smithsonian unveiled a 3-D printed sculpture of President Obama that is detailed enough to see his pores and wrinkles. The sculpture is so realistic that Joe Biden won’t leave it alone.

A Canadian woman was arrested for having an open container of liquor while driving Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s SUV. Although when Rob Ford’s in the car, anyone not smoking crack is legally considered a designated driver.

A Virginia woman on Tuesday graduated high school at the age of 111. She’s the first person to graduate high school and have her whole life behind her.

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