Sunday Funnies

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Monday May 26 2014
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s Memorial Day. Or as CBS calls it, “Make the immigrant go to work” day.

If I have to be here, I’m just phoning it in. In other words, just like every other night for the past decade.

On this day in 1897, Bram Stoker’s “Dracula” was published. Happy birthday, Dracula! You know who else’s birthday it is? Lenny Kravitz. Dracula and Lenny Kravitz are very different, of course. One’s an elegantly dressed scoundrel who swoops into my dreams at night and bites me on the neck. And the other one: Dracula.

I’ve read Bram Stoker’s “Dracula.” It’s a really creepy book. A tremendous sense of menace runs through it. The sense of menace in the book is like the sense of menace you get when you’re alone with a house cat.

I’ve always loved the name “Bram Stoker.” Nobody calls their kid Bram anymore. Come to think of it, nobody calls their kid Dracula anymore either. Your move, Gwyneth Paltrow.

Tuesday May 27 2014
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s a great day for Kim and Kanye. To them I’d like to say, “Congratulations on your wedding unless this is a rerun, in which case my condolences on your divorce.”

They got married in Florence. The name Florence holds special meaning for Kim because it’s the name that Bruce Jenner goes by.

Congratulations to the remarkable Jessie White. She’s a woman from Maine who just graduated college, and she’s 99 years old. I said she’s 99, so cheer a little bit louder, everybody.

Jessie White was asked what she was going to wear to her first job interview. She said “Depends.”

Wednesday May 28 2014
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The mayor of New York has overturned the city’s ban on ferrets. I didn’t know you could ban ferrets. I’ve been going New York illegally taking my ferrets with me, I suppose. The mayor says he’s trying to bring the hairy little weasels out of the shadows.

In a new documentary, Robert DeNiro reveals his father was gay. He realized it after he asked his dad what his favorite part of “New York, New York” was. And his dad went “Li-iiiiiiiza!”

Casinos in Las Vegas are now taking bets on when Kim and Kanye will divorce. I think that is outrageous. It’s terrible. But if I were betting man, I’d put 20 bucks on “fall sweeps.”

Guys from the band One Direction were caught on video smoking pot. Sounds like the one direction they’re going is straight to Bieber-ville.

A woman in New York is suing a Manhattan salon for $1.5 million over a bad haircut. The last time I saw a disaster like that with clippers was Donald Sterling.

What’s the difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut? About a week.

Thursday May 29 2014
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The L.A. Clippers have been sold. Yes, I also don’t really care. Everyone is like, “Oh, OK.”

The Clippers have been sold for $2 billion. That got your attention.

Donald Sterling paid only $12 million to buy the Clippers. This deal is very uncomfortable for the former owner because it puts him in the black.

President Obama had lunch today with Hillary Clinton. Hillary told the president, “After phoning my top advisers, I think I’ll run for office.” And the president said, “I know. I listened in.”

A lot of people in Washington were shocked by this Obama-Hillary meeting. I’m not sure about Nancy Pelosi. She looks shocked all the time.

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