Sunday Funnies

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Monday Apr 21 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that 81 percent of parents admit to stealing Easter candy from their children. While the other 19 percent of parents don’t think it counts as stealing if you bought the candy in the first place.

Vladimir Putin said he thinks that President Obama would save him if he were drowning. Then President Obama said, “There’s only one way to find out.”

Congrats to Chelsea Clinton. Last week, she announced that she is expecting her first child. If it’s a girl, it’ll get some of Chelsea’s old hand-me-downs; and if it’s a boy, it’ll get some of Hillary’s.

Some people are claiming they have spotted the Loch Ness monster on Apple Maps. But it turned out it was just a car that drove into the lake because it was using Apple Maps.

Late Show with David Letterman

A 16-year-old kid got on an airplane in San Jose, but he didn’t really get on. He just climbed up into the landing gear on a flight to Hawaii. At JetBlue that’s business class.

The 16-year-old kid claims that he passed out right after take-off and woke up just before landing. Isn’t that everybody’s dream flight?

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is running for re-election, and he’s got a catchy campaign slogan: “Forget my first term. I was on crack.”

Hillary Clinton is going to be a grandmother. She’s very excited about it. She’s home right now knitting a tiny pantsuit.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today is John Muir Day. He is the father of our national parks, the most famous naturalist of all time. Do not confuse a “Naturalist” with a “Naturist.” A naturalist is an expert on nature. A naturist is an expert on walking around outside naked.

John Muir devoted his life to preserving nature. Without his tireless effort, America would be a dirty, over-developed commercial wasteland. Or as we call that here, “Los Angeles.”

John Muir and I actually have a lot in common. He was born in Scotland. I was born in Scotland. He relocated to America. I relocated to America. His activism changed U.S. history. I relocated to America.

John Muir was so dedicated to the environment that he would house woodland creatures in his beard. That’s Scottish tradition. Sean Connery does it in his chest hair.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

Chelsea Clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child. The baby is expected to crawl after nine months and run in 2055.

This weekend over 37,000 people went to Denver to participate in the 4th annual Cannabis Cup. And they all made memories that would last a few minutes.

Last week, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver announced that he wants to raise the league’s age minimum from 19 to 20. The league’s age maximum will continue to be Kevin Garnett.

Tuesday Apr 22 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Today is Earth Day. It’s the day we celebrate the “three Rs:” Reduce, reuse, and, uh, Retweet? I don’t know.

In honor of Earth Day, Apple announced that it will recycle all of its used products for free. That’s right, they’re recycling Apple products. And then Samsung said, “Beat you to it.”

Apple will recycle its used products for free. That’s not to be confused with what Apple normally does — when it recycles its old ideas for $600.

Joe Biden said the U.S. will help Ukraine with financial aid as long as the leaders tackle corruption. Because if anything stops corruption, it’s bribing someone to stop corruption.

Late Show with David Letterman

Happy Earth Day. And because it’s Earth Day, we’ll be using a solar-powered applause sign.

Earth is 71 percent water. No, wait a minute. That’s Yankee Stadium beer.

Stephen Colbert is here, ladies and gentlemen. He’s here. He just dropped by to sign the lease.

I don’t know if you’ve heard this, but Stephen Colbert will be taking over the show sometime next year — pending the physical.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s the new season of “Deadliest Catch,” which kicked off tonight on the Discovery Channel. It’s in its 10th season. That’s 10 seasons of doing the same repetitive task over and over again. I can’t relate to that at all.

“Deadliest Catch” reminds me of this show. They started in 2005. We started in 2005. They have a lot of cursing. We have a lot of cursing. They have multiple Emmy awards. We have lots of cursing.

Being a crab fisherman is a very dangerous job. It’s like being prime minister of Ukraine. Or Kim Jong Un’s chess opponent.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Happy Earth Day. Earth Day was founded in 1970. It’s the one day of the year we tell the Earth we love it. With the other 364 days we try to kill it.

After what we have done to it, it is almost disrespectful to have an Earth Day. It’s like lice declaring a Head Day.

Everyone celebrates Earth Day in his or her own way. In honor of Earth Day, I have filled all four of my pockets with fresh potting soil.

President Obama’s approval rating is on the rise. It was 39 percent in November. It is up to 45 percent. His approval rating has gone from terrible to slightly less terrible.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today is Earth Day. At least according to the guy who saw me throw a banana peel in the blue trash can.

The Christian Science Monitor is claiming “Hillary Clinton will be a tad less interested in running for president now that she’s about to be a grandmother.” And if you put a grain of sand in your pocket there’s a tad less sand on the beach.

Dutch designers have created a baby’s onesie that comes with built-in Wi-Fi. That way, your child can search the web for better parents.

Wednesday Apr 23 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

A pharmaceutical company in Canada is offering $47 billion to buy the company that makes Botox. People at Botox were pretty excited — I mean, you should’ve seen the look that wasn’t on their faces.

Congrats to Spurs coach Gregg Popovich, who was named the NBA Coach of the Year for the third time. While a random guy waiting for a train was named coach of the Knicks.

A zoo in China has a depressed panda so they just installed a TV in its cage to cheer it up. Then the panda said, “Or, you could let me out of animal jail.”

New York City is getting a new bakery that promises to sell low-calorie doughnuts. The doughnuts come in a variety of flavors including, “So-so,” “Just OK,” and “Almost Like a Real Doughnut.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Evil Vladimir Putin said this about President Obama. He said, “If I were drowning, I think President Obama would rescue me.” And I thought: Well, give that a try.

A kid, 16 years old, got on a plane in San Jose and flew all the way to Hawaii riding on the landing gear. And the airline is embarrassed, so they say next time he wants to fly they will get him a spot in the baggage compartment. They’ll upgrade him.

Sometime this week, Queen Elizabeth will turn 88 years old. A lot of people really enjoy the royal family. I don’t. I didn’t vote for them, so what do I care?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The mayor of Amsterdam is trying to close the city’s marijuana shops. Amsterdam without pot is like late-night TV without middle-aged white guys. It would be like a “Real Housewife” without Botox. Like Lance Armstrong without steroids. It would be like Ukraine without Russian troops.

Happy birthday to comedian George Lopez. Who else has a birthday? None other than William Shakespeare. Please don’t applaud. He can’t hear you.

William Shakespeare and George Lopez are very different, of course. One’s a genius wordsmith whose timeless observations on the human condition can make you laugh one minute, cry the next. The other one is Shakespeare.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Yesterday was Earth Day. And today we went right back to throwing Jamba Juice cups in the rainforest.

I never know what to get the Earth for Earth Day. So I just bought it an iTunes gift card and buried it.

We all know how humans feel about Earth day. I wonder how Earth feels about it.

People magazine today unveiled their annual list of the 50 most beautiful people. People magazine has an interesting process for choosing the most beautiful person. The editors look at every single person on Earth. Then they vote. It is really the only fair way to do it.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

A Kansas man on trial for first-degree murder wants to remove a tattoo across his neck reading “murder” because he’s worried it might prejudice the jury. Though he might be able to create reasonable doubt by just adding a question mark.

China’s state media has announced that its “Cleaning the Web” Campaign has successfully shut down 110 porn websites. That’s like New York City announcing that their “Cleaning the Subway” campaign has successfully exterminated one rat.

The Detroit Metropolitan Airport has unveiled indoor patches of grass that serve as toilets for service dogs. And The New York subway continues to offer hundreds of square miles of tile that serve as toilets for everybody.

Thursday Apr 24 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

While he was in Japan today, President Obama visited a science museum, where he played soccer with a robot. Joe Biden is negotiating with the prime minister in Ukraine, and Obama is playing soccer with a robot. It’s like the White House version of “Freaky Friday.”

Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda was ejected last night for having pine tar on his neck, and rubbing it on his hand to get a better grip on the ball — because league rules clearly state that all illegal substances must be put INSIDE your body.

Hooters is coming out with a new loyalty program to help frequent customers track their receipts and orders. So if you’re someone who goes to Hooters enough to take part in their loyalty program, I’m sorry your wife got the house.

Police in Canada were called after a bear got its head stuck in a jar and then walked down the street. Animal control immediately removed the jar and said, “Oh, sorry we didn’t recognize you, Mayor Ford.”

Late Show with David Letterman

President Obama is visiting Japan, and for dinner last night he had $300 sushi. That’s a lot of dough, but you know, it comes with unlimited bread sticks. And Mercury poisoning is covered by Obamacare.

Today is “Bring Your Sons and Daughters to Work Day.” And my kids are here — Tina, Nancy, and Frank, Jr.

The Yankees played last night and their pitcher had pine tar on his neck. You can’t have a foreign substance on your neck. Why can’t the guy be like everybody else and just forget the pine tar and use the steroids?

I don’t know what’s the matter with that pitcher. There’s only one place for pine tar in baseball and that’s on the hot dogs.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today the Pentagon announced they are going to spend millions shooting clouds with super-lasers to create more precipitation. It’s in The Washington Post newspaper. A newspaper is like a blog except everything is from yesterday.

Controlling the weather would be great because L.A. is so dry right now. Our rainfall is lower than Obama’s approval ratings. It’s lower than the Lakers winning percentage. It’s lower than CNN’s ratings. Lower than Tom Cruise’s foot stool. Lower than the box office for that new Johnny Depp movie.

Lasers that control the weather are hard to explain. Basically they hit the cloud and create nitric acid particles that bind water molecules to create condensation nuclei. I hope that clears it up for you.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama is in Japan today. They showed him a robot developed by Honda that can kick a soccer ball. It’s cute watching the president interact with a prototype that will one day enslave us all, isn’t it?

A strange new product is coming to your liver this fall — Palcohol, which is powdered alcohol. It’s like Crystal Light that will get you drunk.

Palcohol is great for astronauts looking to get wasted in space.

Palcohol flavors include Vodka, rum, mojito, cosmopolitan, and lemon drop. I think Keith Richards will sprinkle this stuff on his Cheerios in the morning.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today is “Take Your Child to Work Day.” Or as kids refer to it, “Play With an iPad in a Corner Day.”

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced plans to build the Barack Obama College Preparatory High School, which will open in 2017. The Obama school is expected to be very popular . . . at first.

McDonald’s has given their clown mascot Ronald McDonald a makeover, trading in his jumpsuit for cropped pants and a blazer. While McDonald’s customers are trading in their sweatpants for bigger sweatpants.

Facebook has acquired a new mobile app that would allow users to track their exercise and measure how many calories they’ve burned. So if you love Facebook, and you love exercise, you’re lying about one of those.

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