Sunday Funnies

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Thursday Oct 03 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

It is day three of the government shutdown. Right now 33 percent of the government is doing absolutely nothing, which is not bad considering that before the shutdown 80 percent wasn’t doing anything.

This shutdown is hurting everyone. Today Michelle Obama told fat kids: “You’re on your own. Eat a Happy Meal. I don’t care.”

According to a new report, experts in Pakistan say $25 million in cash is smuggled out of Pakistan every day, and less than 1 percent of Pakistanis pay any income tax at all. Here’s the amazing part: Somehow their government hasn’t shut down, but ours has.

Regarding the problems with starting Obamacare, President Obama said that Apple had some glitches with the iPhone but then they fixed them. Technically the president is correct, but you have to remember: Apple has geniuses working there. This is Washington. They don’t have any geniuses.
Conan

The new “Grand Theft Auto” video game has already made more money than every book sold in the last year. That explains why today J.K. Rowling announced a new book, “Harry Potter Hanging on to a Car Hood.”

Two naval officers have been accused of bribery that included vacations, drugs, and Lady Gaga tickets. Two naval officers — In other words, that gays in the military thing is working out just fine.

In Ohio a drunk man with a 666 tattoo on his forehead was arrested for urinating inside a burrito shop. Ladies, you can find him on Match.com.

The Los Angeles district attorney has decided not to press charges against Justin Bieber for spitting on his neighbor because it was the neighbor’s word against Bieber’s. The D.A. said, “Frankly, I don’t know who to belieb.”

Late Show with David Letterman

The New York City opera shut down. They’re bankrupt. And you know what that means: I’m now the only prima donna in town.

The opera want bankrupt and shut down. It was over before the fat lady sang.

If you go out in the street and ask somebody what they think about opera, they’ll say they think opera is that woman who gives away cars on her TV show.

President Obama is taking advantage of the government shutdown. It was announced earlier today that he has furloughed his mother-in-law.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Most people think the IRS Is just out to audit people. But that is not true. In addition to the people who do the audits, the IRS has people dedicated to defending taxpayers who get audited. But guess which group just got furloughed?

Obamacare includes a new tax on indoor tanning salons. For most Americans, that’s no big deal. But it made John Boehner very angry.

I’m with Boehner on this one. If we put a tax on tanning salons, more people will look pasty and white. The whole country is going to be whiter than Paula Deen’s fan club.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We are at a standstill with the government shutdown. It is costing $300 million a day. That is a full “Ironman” sequel per day.

We could be up to “Ironman 7” tomorrow.

Nonessential government services have been put on hold. Flight safety inspectors furloughed. National monuments closed. The Grand Canyon is closed. They filled it with Spackle.

Passport offices have been closed too. Interesting fact: Passport lines take exactly the same amount of time whether the passport office is open or not.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Last night President Obama had an hour-long meeting with Republicans and Democrats, but they were still unable to end the government shutdown situation. So don’t worry — while the shutdown is putting people out of work and costing taxpayers millions of dollars, lawmakers did spend a whole hour trying to fix it.

Disney World said it will help its employees sign up for Obamacare. So finally, Sneezy can get some Claritin, Sleepy can get some Adderall, and Grumpy can get some Prozac.

There’s a Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, New York. The games “Clue” and “Magic 8 Ball” are both finalists to be inducted this year — because if there’s anything that defines the fun of toys, it’s murder and a ball that crushes your dreams.

Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck — or at least give you better luck than the guy behind you.

Friday Oct 04 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Happy TGIF — which stands for “The Government’s in Foreclosure.”

This government shutdown thing is getting old. The national parks are closed, museums are closed, and federal agencies are closed, but our borders are wide open. Don’t worry about that.

President Obama has officially canceled his trip to Asia. He said he didn’t want to be in Indonesia not doing anything to solve the crisis when he could be in Washington not doing anything to solve it.

Actually, it’s the perfect time for President Obama to go to Asia. I mean, what better time to leave Joe Biden in charge of the country than during a shutdown?

Late Show with David Letterman

The New York Giants are 0-4, a lousy start to the season. Eli Manning is a great quarterback. Nobody is more frustrated than Eli Manning. After the last game he was so angry he threw his helmet — and it was intercepted.

Don’t bet against the Giants Sunday. I think they have an excellent chance. They’re playing Rutgers.

At first people thought the government shutdown would last maybe a day, at the most a week. Now people are concerned, and experts are saying the shutdown may last as long as a Kardashian marriage.

Obamacare covers a wide range of services and medical attention. For example, it will even cover a DNA test to see if you’re Frank Sinatra’s son.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I’m not going to do anything. I’m going as Congress.

The big Hollywood movie “Gravity” opened today. It stars Sandra Bullock and George Clooney. I love both of them. One is America’s sweetheart who was left brokenhearted by a tattooed bad boy. The other one is Sandra Bullock.

The whole movie “Gravity” takes place in outer space, where everyone is completely weightless. I bet every single actor in Hollywood wanted to do this movie. “You mean I’ll weigh nothing in the movie? Sign me up.”

Newton’s concept of gravity is not considered a law because it’s based only on observable data. In the scientific community, the whole concept of gravity is considered just a “theory” — like evolution, or the honest politician.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This government shutdown has been such a big mess that Republicans are looking to Senator John McCain to negotiate a deal to end it. When asked if he could bring them together, McCain said, “Hey, I did it with the Pilgrims and the Indians.”

Republicans were hoping John McCain would help them get their way on the spending bill — because if there’s anyone who can beat Barack Obama, it’s the guy who lost to Barack Obama.

A man in Montana says the U.S. Treasury has reimbursed him after his dog ate $500 dollars in cash. That explains why today the Treasury got a call from another guy who said, “Uh, my dog Bo just ate $14 trillion.”

A new survey found that only 46 percent of Americans have actually read a book in the past year. Which gets even worse when you hear it was just the instruction manual for Grand Theft Auto 5.

Monday Oct 07 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

House Speaker John Boehner said he stayed by the phone all weekend waiting for the president, but he never called. What do you mean stayed by the phone? What is this, 1965? The cellphone hasn’t been invented?

In Philadelphia, a historic tavern — a tavern that was frequented by our Founding Fathers — has closed because of the shutdown. It opened in 1773. In fact, this iconic watering hole was once the scene of a legendary brawl between Benjamin Franklin and John McCain.

According to Pew Research, immigration is on the rise in this country. As you know, immigrants come here to do the jobs Americans don’t want to do — like running the government.

The big TV rumor is that the TLC network is about to cancel the show “Toddlers & Tiaras” — finally a shutdown we can all get behind!

Late Show with David Letterman

CBS has announced that I’m renewing my contract. Here’s what it came down to — after talking about it, my family decided they wanted to spend less time with me.

The new hundred-dollar bill is different. First of all, it’s only worth $10.

Financial purists and monetary purists are upset because Ben Franklin, who has long been on the hundred-dollar bill, has been replaced by Ben Affleck.

You know who was on the “Today” show singing and twerking and hopping around and stuff? Miley Cyrus. The rumor is that Miley is pregnant. So that means now she’s twerking for two.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The government has been shut down for a whole week. If it were a Kardashian marriage, it would be over by now.

It’s Nobel Prize week. Today’s prize was for medicine. Winning the Nobel Prize immediately transforms you from being an unknown scientist into a household name. Isn’t that right, 2012 winners John Gurdon and Shinya Yamanaka?

Cell discoveries made by these scientists could lead to new treatment for diabetes. When Honey Boo Boo’s family heard that, they immediately got on the phone with the Nobel committee. Little Honey Boo Boo has already started learning Swedish.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Winter Olympics are four months away from today but the Olympic torch is already being run. After the official lighting ceremony in Greece, the torch arrived in Russia this weekend and it ran into a little snag. The wind blew it out. That would never have happened if they had used the new Olympic e-torch.

I think if the Olympic torch blows out they should have to run it back to Greece and start over.

The guy carrying the Olympic torch got a light from a security guard. I love that a guy running with a global symbol of athleticism needed help from somebody with a cigarette lighter. What a proud day for smokers all over the world.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Joe Biden had to cancel his appearance at a Democratic fundraiser tonight because of the government shutdown. And it got awkward when they announced that Biden wasn’t coming and raised twice as much money.

A new survey found that 9 percent of Americans have considered giving up their U.S. citizenship because of the constant arguing in Washington. Today, even Obama was like, “Are you SURE I wasn’t born in Kenya?”

Nine percent of Americans would give up their citizenship because of all the fighting in D.C. You know things are bad when people getting caught at the Mexican border are being sent back to America.

Germany just unveiled its rainbow-colored Olympic uniforms, which seem to be a subtle protest against Russia’s anti-gay laws. You can tell how much the world has changed when Germans are the ones who are saying, “Discrimination is just wrong.”

Tuesday Oct 08 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill that allows illegals in California to practice law. You thought a lot of Americans wanted to close the border before? Wait until lawyers start sneaking across.

President Obama said he thinks the Washington Redskins should consider changing their name. He didn’t stop there. He also said the New York Giants should consider changing their sport.

Syrian dictator Assad says he may run for re-election next year. In fact, today he went over the results of next year’s election and he said it looks pretty good.

Circulation of newspapers has fallen to all-time lows. They say newspapers are becoming obsolete. I’ll tell you how bad it’s gotten. Today I saw a homeless guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face.

Late Show with David Letterman

Starbucks is offering something called the duffin. It’s a combination of a donut and a muffin. Who says America has lost its exceptionalism?

The duffin is a combination of a donut and a muffin, and if you eat enough of them you get a combination of diabetes and heart disease.

After four or five years of eating the duffin, they’ll put you in a cuffin.

The Nobel Prize for physics went to two guys from overseas — one from Britain, one from Belgium — who discovered mass subatomic particles. And while they were working on mass subatomic particles, what were we working on? The duffin.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

We just hit 190 hours of the government shutdown. If this were a “Lord of the Rings” movie, we’d be almost halfway through.

Despite the shutdown, the congressional gym in Washington, D.C., remains open. The congressional gym is like any other gym except the customers are the dumbbells.

It is, of course, Nobel Prize week. Today’s Nobel Prize was in physics. Here’s a physics joke. Why can you never trust an atom? Because they make up everything.

Bodies in motion remain in motion, but bodies at rest have no choice but to stay on the couch watching this show.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today is the eighth day of the government shutdown with no end in sight. A small group of Republicans are refusing to allow the vote. President Obama called to reiterate that there will be no budge in budget.

Under a law that dates back to the 1960s, the Amish are exempt from most federal safety-net programs, and that includes Obamacare. Amish communities actually insure themselves, which is good. I depend on those people who make my gooseberry jam.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It’s rumored that after eight seasons, “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” might get canceled because of bad ratings. No word on what the Kardashians will do next — or what they were doing before.

This week China warned the U.S. that not raising the debt ceiling will hurt the Chinese economy. Then the U.S. said, “No worries — we’ll just loan you some of your money.”

A new study found that American workers lack the problem-solving skills that workers in other countries have. When American workers heard about the study they said, “What should we do?”

Officials in Kuwait claim they have a new test that can “detect” gay people and prevent them from entering the country. That’s not to be confused with that other way to prevent people from entering Kuwait — the sign that says “Welcome to Kuwait.”

Wednesday Oct 09 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Well folks, the stalemate continues. The two sides are miles apart. They are not even speaking to one another. But enough about Kris and Bruce Jenner.

Bruce Jenner and Kris Kardashian are splitting up after 22 years of marriage. On the plus side, they made it 21 years and 42 weeks longer than Kim’s last marriage.

Kris Jenner said she doesn’t know if she and Bruce will get divorced. Like the rest of us, she’ll have to wait until the writers are done with the script for next season.

They said today that the government shutdown will not interfere with NASA’s next mission to Mars. Isn’t that ironic? We can go to Mars but we can’t go to the Statue of Liberty.

Late Show with David Letterman

At Starbucks you can now pick up something called a duffin. A duffin is a combination of a doughnut and a muffin. I have an idea for Starbucks: cheap coffee — “Choffee.”

Governor Chris Christie said: “Big deal, call me when Starbucks is combining cake and pie.”

It’s autumn, ladies and gentlemen, and because of the government shutdown the leaves will not be changing color this year.

It’s day nine of the government shutdown. Are you like me? Are you beginning to miss the days when we were ruled by a mad English king?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Kris and Bruce Jenner have separated. In their defense, they had to separate. It was in the script.

Kris and Bruce have split. If two shameless publicity seekers can’t make it work, what hope do any of us have in this crazy world?

The couple asks for privacy in this trying time. I’m kidding! They’ll discuss it on the two-hour special “Bruce & Kris Talk About Their Split.”

As if we didn’t have enough to worry about here in Los Angeles, something happened today that put us all on high alert. It rained. In fact, it was so wet that Kris and Bruce Jenner are battling for custody of their umbrella.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

A historian has evidence that the Chinese discovered America before Christopher Columbus did. He said the Chinese were the first to sail across the ocean to North America. Then they realized they’d forgotten the sweet & sour sauce and had to go back.

If the Chinese discovered America, wouldn’t all of our stuff be made in China?

Christopher Columbus gets too much credit. First he thought he was coming to India. Secondly, what did he discover? There were already people here. It’s like crashing your car through the door of a Starbucks and then saying you discovered coffee.

There is a depressing new product called “Tikker.” It’s a watch that counts down the moments until your death. It calculates the probable date of your death based on your health and other factors. Technically, isn’t your heart a watch that is counting down to your death? Mine is.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

During a press conference yesterday, President Obama said that Congress needs to raise the debt ceiling because there aren’t any other quote “rabbits in our hat.” Plus, they’re still tired from their last trick, where they made thousands of jobs disappear.

Yesterday, Iran’s President Hassan Rouhani said he wants the Iranian people to stop chanting “Death to America” because he thinks it’s too harsh of a statement. Then the Iranian people were like, “Paper cuts to America?

I don’t how I feel about this. But Frito-Lay just announced that they’re coming out with new glow-in-the-dark Cheetos just in time for Halloween. Glow-in-the-dark Cheetos. People asked, “Are they safe to eat?” And Frito-Lay said, “Were they ever?”

Thursday Oct 10 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The other day California’s health insurance exchange said that over 5 million people went to their website on the first day of Obamacare. It turns out they were off by 4.4 million. It got only 645,000 hits. It turns out those were from the same guy just trying to log on over and over.

The Nobel Prize for chemistry was announced this week. It was awarded to Senator Ted Cruz for mixing up that batch of Kool-Aid that the Republicans seem to be drinking on Capitol Hill.

As far as negotiating with the president, John Boehner said, “I don’t want to put anything on the table and I don’t want to take anything off the table.” Of course not — like most congressmen they like to do business UNDER the table.

Georgia Republican Congressman Phil Gingrey said it’s time for his party to have a “Braveheart” moment for the American people. Really? This whole government shutdown feels like another Mel Gibson movie: “Ransom.”

Late Show with David Letterman

They passed out the Nobel Prize for medicine. It went to the doctor who developed a pill that will allow you to keep up with the Kardashians.

The Nobel Prize for fiction went to the JetBlue flight schedule.

The Nobel Prize for chemistry once again went to the Yankee Stadium hot dog.

The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry went to Bruce and Chris Jenner.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The government has been shut down for 10 days now. The shutdown has lasted longer than Kris Jenner’s talk show.

The shutdown is almost as painful as Kris Jenner’s talk show. I know about painful talk shows, by the way.

Today the Nobel Prize for literature went to Alice Munro, regarded as the “master of the short story.” The Nobel Prize in literature is very important because the winner is guaranteed huge sales and interviews that will be talked about for years. No, wait, that’s Oprah’s Book Club.

Ernest Hemingway once won the Nobel Prize for literature. Hemingway told an interviewer that the Nobel Prize was his second greatest achievement. I don’t know what the first one was, probably catching a big fish while drunk.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today was day 10 of the government shutdown. At what point do we politely ask Canada to govern us?

China issued a warning because we owe them $1.3 trillion. If we default, they have threatened to cut off our supply of cheap plastic crap made by kids.

A lot of things are shut down. The CDC, the Centers for Disease Control, is shut down. That means they might have to cancel flu season this year.

National parks are shut down. NASA is shut down. There is one government building still open. That is the congressional gym — the exclusive gym where congressmen work out. But the gym is not fully operational because towel service is no longer available due to the shutdown. So, everyone is suffering.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new restaurant in New York that doesn’t let customers talk to each other during their meals. When they heard that, Obama and Republicans said, “Table for 200 please?”

Researchers say there might be diamonds on both Jupiter and Saturn. Apparently, the diamonds form on the planets because of immense pressure. So it’s nice to know that planets get diamonds for the same reason husbands do on Earth.

A new James Bond novel came out this week, and the author says it will feature a more mature Bond than audiences are used to. You can tell he’s getting older by the book’s title: “The Spy Who Was Home by 7 to Watch ‘Jeopardy.'”

A new study found that dogs can actually feel genuine love for their owners. While cats just keep a journal of all the things they hate about you.

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