Sunday Funnies

Friday Sep 06 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama is in Russia. You know what he’s doing there? I think he’s seeking asylum.

The president cancelled a fundraising trip to California next week because of the Syria situation. That’s when you know this is serious.

On Tuesday President Obama is planning to address the nation. Instead of calling his plan to attack Syria “a war,” he is calling it a “limited military intervention” — which sounds better than “potential endless quagmire.”

John Kerry said during the Senate hearing that we are not the world’s policemen. Really, then how come we eat most of the world’s donuts?

Late Show with David Letterman

Do you have the new iPhone yet, the new iPhone 5? You’d better get the new iPhone 5 because you’re not going to see another one for . . . three, four months.

The kids are going back to school. When I was a kid, you used to take an apple to school for the teacher to get on her good side. Now you send over a drink.

It’s Fashion Week here in New York City. This morning, on the subway, I was beaten up by a teen gang of fashionistas.

I saw a supermodel this morning holding a sign. Here’s what the sign reads: “Will starve for food.” Does that make any sense?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s a great day if you like football. Who doesn’t? Al-Qaida, that’s who doesn’t! They say, “Sorry, it’s too violent.”

The NFL season kicked off last night. Football is for people who can’t stand politics but still enjoy watching millionaires destroy each other.

L.A. doesn’t even have a football team. It’s just sad. The only other major American city that doesn’t have professional football is Oakland.

A lot of people are picking the Denver Broncos to go to the Super Bowl. I like Denver. You fly there, get to the altitude, stop and get out. If people from Denver are on a plane and there is an emergency and the masks drop down, they are like, “No, we’re good. It’s fine.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Last night a new NFL season began. On Sunday, hundreds of thousands of American men begin five long months of wagering their hard-earned money so they can buy their wives that Valentine’s Day gift.

The opening game took place between the Broncos and the Ravens. The Broncos won. Peyton Manning beat the all-time record with seven touchdown passes. He even threw ME a touchdown and I was at home.

So now maybe Peyton Manning will finally get some commercial endorsements, right?
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Football is back. After seven months of waiting, last night’s NFL season opener between the Ravens and the Broncos was actually delayed for 34 minutes because of lightning in the area. Apparently God said, “No Tebow? No football.”

Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt said that he plans to retire after the 2016 Olympics in Brazil. When asked what he’ll do after he retires, Bolt said, “Walk.”

A woman in England claims that her female cat is about to celebrate her 28th birthday, which would make it the oldest cat in the world. You can tell the cat’s getting really old because it just got a cat.

Monday Sep 09 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama is going to address the nation on Syria tomorrow night, which means here on NBC “America’s Got Talent” will be delayed by “America’s Got Problems.”

President Obama is talking tough. He said he will not rest until Syrian President Assad’s power has been reduced to the point where he’s on “Dancing With the Stars.”

Samsung has unveiled its new smartwatch. It will go on sale later this month in 140 countries. It’s a smartphone wristwatch. Experts say this could revolutionize the way senators play poker at Senate hearings.

New York Fashion Week is in full swing. This is a time when today’s hottest models show off all the latest eating disorders.
Conan

Tokyo has been named the host of the 2020 Olympics despite concerns about the radiation leak. That explains the Tokyo Olympics official mascot — a three-headed Hello Kitty.

Las Vegas is about to unveil what will be the world’s largest Ferris wheel. They are billing it as a new way to throw up on the streets of Las Vegas.

In Iowa, blind people are now eligible to receive a gun permit. Blind people say it’s time they had a chance to express themselves with something other than jazz.

The fiance of Miley Cyrus is considering breaking it off in part because of her performance at the VMAs. He told Miley, “I’m sorry, but our relationship isn’t twerking.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The game show “Million Second Quiz” will be on 24 hours a day for 12 days, although NBC is showing it only one hour a night. People can watch the rest live on the Internet. Who’d watch a game show on the Internet? People who are tired of looking at videos of kitty cats.

I think “Million Second Quiz” will do Ok. Why? It’s hosted by America’s perky sweetheart, Ryan Seacrest.

I like game shows. There have been some pretty weird ones over the years, like “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” Or as I called it, “No.”

Other game shows have included “Are You Drunker Than an Irishman?” and “Who Wants to Be Mel Gibson’s Designated Driver?”
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Dennis Rodman left for North Korea last week. Unfortunately, he came back.

Rodman went to North Korea for a second time to meet with his friend Kim Jong Un. Is it possible that Kim Jong Un thinks that Rodman is President Obama?

Rodman claims that he was asked to train the North Korean basketball team. He said the team is hungry. Not for players, for food.

This Rodman friendship is beyond the imagination. Not since Hitler and Sea Biscuit has there been a more unconventional athlete-dictator relationship.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday the New York Jets won their season opener against Tampa Bay. Yeah, the Jets won. The Buccaneers’ coach said, “I don’t know what happened out there,” while the Jets’ coach said, “I don’t know what happened out there.”

Serena Williams won her 17th Grand Slam title at the U.S. Open. I haven’t seen that many Grand Slams since Chris Christie went out to Denny’s with me the other night.

President Obama did six TV interviews today to explain his decision to strike Syria. Yeah, six. Even Ryan Seacrest was like, “That guy’s on too many shows.”

Officials in Iowa are facing criticism over a new law that lets blind people own guns. The law has actually received support from two major groups: the NRA and deer.

Tuesday Sep 10 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

You can tell that fall is coming. The leaves are changing faster than the White House position on Syria.

A new survey found Americans clicked on Miley Cyrus stories 12 times more often than stories about Syria and President Assad. Well, that makes sense. Wouldn’t you rather watch a twerk than a jerk?

John Kerry has given Syria one week to hand over its chemical weapons. And if they don’t . . . he’ll give them another week.

Last month 312,000 Americans stopped looking for work, causing the unemployment rate to fall to 7.3 percent. Today President Obama called it a step in the right direction and encouraged more Americans to stop looking for work.
Conan

Apple announced a much lower-priced iPhone. It’s so low budget, you can ask Siri a question only after she gets off her second job as a waitress.

Today Syria agreed to a tentative plan to send all of its chemical weapons to Russia. Vladimir Putin said those weapons better not be gay.

The CDC says its graphic anti-smoking TV ads have helped over 200,000 people to quit. Not quit smoking, quit watching television.

The entire cabinet of Iran joined Facebook. Then they spent the rest of the day pretending not to see a friend request from Israel.

Late Show with David Letterman

Syria is now saying they will agree to give up their chemical weapons if Miley Cyrus agrees to give up whatever it is she is doing.

New York kids are back in school. I was taunted and bullied when I was a kid at school. The janitors hated me.

I used to have to walk to school in a shark cage.

My son is in the fourth grade and the academic regimen they have these kids on is pretty rigorous. My son is studying wills and estate law — in a shark cage!
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The United Nations unveiled their list of the happiest places on earth. Doesn’t the United Nations have stuff to do? Aren’t things a little bit tense right now?

The U.N. list of the happiest places on earth does not include Disneyland. Goofy is peeved. He’s like, “I’m going to bomb Syria. Well, maybe. Let’s see what Putin says.”

Apple has announced that iPhones will be available in different colors. I’ll buy anything Apple puts out. And Samsung. It really depends on which one of them advertises on CBS.

I’m not in a hurry to update my smartphone. I work at CBS. So I’m used to being around outdated technology.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

According to the new U.N. world happiness report, the United States is the 17th happiest country in the world. The report says the happiest country is Denmark, followed by Norway, Switzerland, Netherlands, and Sweden. Way to go, super white people, I guess.

You’d be happy too if everyone you knew looked like Thor and Famke Janssen.

According to the report, the least happy countries are all countries in Africa. It’s hard to be happy when a good day is a day you don’t get trampled by a hippopotamus.

Apple unveiled not one, but two iPhones. Their high-end phone has a fingerprint scanner — because the NSA doesn’t have enough of our personal information. They want fingerprints too.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today was the primary for mayor of New York City. The city had to use old, lever voting machines from the 1960s because the electronic machines were too hard to program. It got weird when officials checked the results and said, “The winner is . . . Richard Nixon?”

The newer voting machines weren’t properly programed — or as Florida put it, “Never stopped us.”

It’s Fashion Week here in New York City. The city’s filled with hundreds of models — or as restaurants call that, “the off-season.”

Fashion Week held its first-ever plus-sized fashion show. Apparently, they’re hoping it creates a more positive, body-friendly atmosphere — which it might if they didn’t call everyone there “plus-sized.”

Wednesday Sep 11 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The White House has a new slogan: “Hope and let the Russians fix it.”

Last night President Obama spoke to the nation about Syria. Hopefully, Americans who were confused about the president’s plan feel better now, knowing that he’s confused too.

Well, it was confusing, wasn’t it? First, President Obama laid out his reasoning for a strike against Syria. And then he gave the rebuttal.

John Kerry has insisted that any military strike on Syria will be “unbelievably small.” But not as small as the SUPPORT for a strike on Syria.
Conan

Last week Americans viewed 12 times as many stories about Miley Cyrus as they did about Syria. Which is why last night President Obama gave his speech on Syria while rubbing up against Robin Thicke.

I’m a little bummed out because it looks like the Anthony Weiner madness is finally over. It was so good for talk show hosts, one of the best things that ever happened. As he drove away from reporters, he gave them the finger. So at least he went out with dignity. That’s the important thing.

The new secretary of the Vatican said that celibacy for priests is open to discussion. In a related story, nuns are now allowed to twerk.

This is weird. A brewer has apparently come out with a beer that you can spread on toast. It is said to appeal to a very specific market known as alcoholics.

Late Show with David Letterman

The United States is going to make a deal with Russia and Syria. What could possibly go wrong? Here’s the deal: Syria will turn over their stockpiled chemicals and we send them Alex Rodriguez.

You know whose birthday it is? Evil Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, 48 years old today. It would be nice if he had a surprise birthday party from SEAL Team 6.

McDonald’s is now serving steak. Nothing says fine dining like rolling down your car window and screaming out, “medium rare!”

Can the USDA consider it prime beef if it comes with a toy?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Tonight was a very special episode of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Mama June and Sugar Bear had a commitment ceremony. That’s like a wedding but without that old-fashioned crap about being legally required to give away half your stuff.

Of course they got dressed up for the commitment ceremony. Camouflage is a bold fashion choice for a wedding, isn’t it? Nothing ruins your wedding faster than hunters who think you’re caribou.

The whole idea of a commitment ceremony is not for me. It’s usually when married people say they’re renewing their vows. And I don’t see the point in renewing your vows. It is not a magazine subscription. You don’t have to renew it.

Celebrity couples renew their wedding vows all the time. They usually give an interview explaining their marriage is “rock solid,” and they just want to “get back to what’s important.” And the husband is “totally not gay.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live

In New York, former Congressman Anthony Weiner became the first candidate to concede in his bid to become the Democratic candidate for mayor. Weiner got less than 5 percent of the vote and came in fifth. There’s got to be something else he can run for. I have 3,000 more Anthony Weiner jokes.

You know, while losing the election was bad news for Anthony Weiner, it was great news for Carlos Danger. Carlos just opened four new dating accounts.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Since marijuana is now legal in Colorado they have to tax it like anything else, and this got people upset. This week, activists in Colorado were handing out free marijuana to protest the high taxes. Then later the pot activists were like, “We did WHAT?”

There’s been some talk that the Vatican is considering a new rule that would allow Catholic priests to get married one day. Critics of the rule say priests should remain celibate. While others said, “You’ve never been married, have you?”

HBO announced a new detective show starring Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson. Apparently they try to break suspects using that new interrogation technique, “laid-back cop/even more laid-back cop.”

One Direction’s new concert movie apparently has flopped at the U.K. box office even though it’s been a huge hit here in the U.S. Yeah, they’re killing it here, and doing terrible over in England — or as toothpaste put it, “Join the club.”

Thursday Sep 12 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Plans are being discussed for a reality show based on the White House. It’s called “Lame Duck Dynasty.”

Syrian President Assad says he is turning over his chemical weapons because Russia asked him to, “not because of the U.S. threatening to bomb him.” Yeah, and Osama bin Laden is at the bottom of the ocean right now because he enjoys scuba diving.

The Oneida Indian Nation wants the Washington Redskins to change the name “Redskins” because they consider it a racial slur. In a related story, the city of Jacksonville wants the NFL team, the Jaguars, to drop the name “Jacksonville” just because they stink.

According to the tabloids, they are saying that it looks like Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are done. If that turns out to be true, then Khloe would get the 12th pick in the NBA draft.
Conan

Vladimir Putin has taken his criticism of America up a notch. Today he wrote an Op-Ed for The New York Times asking the U.S. to be more civilized. Unfortunately, Putin couldn’t finish it because he had to take his shirt off and arrest gay people.

Today Pope Francis said that if you are an atheist, God will forgive you. And with that, 2,000 years of Christianity came to an end, ladies and gentlemen.

Disturbing news for California. Californians have more unplanned pregnancies than any other state. Of course, keep in mind that California has many more NBA teams than any other state.

A Senate panel working on laws to protect the media has agreed on an official definition of a journalist. The new official definition of a journalist is a blogger wearing pants.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s quite a week for me because Eliot Spitzer lost his race for comptroller and Anthony Weiner lost his race for mayor. So that means I am back to being New York City’s biggest embarrassment.

Our old friend Rupert Jee runs the Hello Deli right around the corner. Rupert is now in a lot of trouble. The United Nations has given Rupert seven days to turn over his tuna salad.

The Pope recently purchased a 30-year-old car. He’s driving around Rome in a 30-year-old car. Can you imagine keeping a 30-year-old car on the road today? There’s your miracle, you know what I’m saying?

Chris Humphreys has gotten the engagement ring back from Kim Kardashian and he’s selling it at auction for $2 million. That’s an impressive ring. So if guys want to get engaged, try to get that ring. It’s the perfect way to tell your fiancee, “I want to spend the next 72 days with you.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Russian President Vladimir Putin wrote a scolding Op-Ed piece in The New York Times. He thinks people still read The New York Times.

If you haven’t seen The New York Times piece, Putin said America should stay out of Syria. And then Putin said Khloe should dump Lamar because it’s for his own good.

The 2014 edition of the “Guinness Book of Records” is out. Finally, we’ll have answers to the most important questions of our time, like “Who’s got the world’s largest Afro?”
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Pope Francis just got a used car, a 1984 Renault with 190,000 miles on it. The Pope said he wanted an old car so he could drive around listening to his Billy Idol cassettes.

How crazy is it that the Pope has a car? Imagine driving through Rome and a Renault cuts in front of you. You flip the guy off, and it’s the Pope!

The New York Times published an Op-Ed piece written by Vladimir Putin. Putin warns against American exceptionalism. He says it is dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation. He sounds like a fun dad, huh?

Putin said that when Americans claim to be exceptional it offends other countries. This from a man who arrests his political opponents, persecutes people based on sexual orientation, and put a girl band in a labor camp for singing songs he didn’t like. We don’t think we are better than everyone else. We just think we are better than him, specifically.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Russian President Vladimir Putin actually wrote an Op-Ed piece in The New York Times where he said it’s dangerous for Americans to see themselves as “exceptional.” Then he said, “Except for that Justin Timberlake. That guy is amazing.”

Putin said it’s dangerous for Americans to see themselves as “exceptional” and said that, quote, “God created us equal.” Then he got back to arresting people for being gay.

Dennis Rodman has been hanging out again in North Korea. He just announced that he will train the North Korean basketball team for the Olympics. He’s going to teach them the key strategy that always worked for him — pass the ball to Michael Jordan.

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