Sunday Funnies

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Monday Feb 18 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Yesterday President Obama played golf in Florida with Tiger Woods. Well, you thought Michelle got mad when Barack ate a cheeseburger. She told him, “No hanging out with Tiger afterwards. You come right home.”

A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now.

We’re learning more about the Pope’s condition. The Vatican announced that Pope Benedict hit his head during his March 2012 trip to Mexico. In fact, right after that, the Pope said he’s sworn off spring break forever.

The big question: Who’s going to replace the Pope? Where’s the new Pope going to come from? I think they should check out Whole Foods. I’ve seen plenty of holier-than-thou people walking around that place.

Late Show with David Letterman

Yoko Ono turns 80 years old today. People sometimes say or suggest that Yoko broke up the Beatles. Now that she’s 80 the only thing she’s breaking up is bingo games.

Sad news from the Vatican. As you know, Pope Benedict was fired a couple of weeks ago. They caught him stealing communion wafers.

The Pope is going into retirement. He will be retiring to his sprawling ranch, the Pope-arosa.

The Yankees are in spring training and you kind of feel it — the crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd, the smell of the deer antler spray.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Happy Presidents Day. Today we celebrate an American tradition — immigrants working on your day off.

Most stores are open on Presidents Day. What better way to celebrate our presidents than by offering a sale on tires? Yes, four score and 20 years ago, our forefathers got two-for-one on steel-belted radials.

You can tell how important a president was based on his monument. Lincoln was important because his monument shows him sitting in a chair looking serious. And George Washington got an even better one — a monument shaped like a giant middle finger pointed at England.

People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a pony tail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America’s original Willie Nelson.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The White House’s immigration plan was leaked over the weekend, and Florida Senator Marco Rubio is already calling it “dead on arrival.” That incidentally is also Florida’s state motto.

Yesterday, NBA legend Michael Jordan turned 50 years old. Scottie Pippen actually helped him blow out his candles, but nobody seemed to notice.

A new study found that humans are slowly getting less intelligent. I was going to read the whole study, but I’ll just wait for the movie.

A judge in California announced that Kim Kardashian’s divorce trial from Kris Humphries will begin on May 6. The pre-show on E! will begin on March 1.

Tuesday Feb 19 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

You knew this was going to happen. Dozens and dozens of lawsuits have already been filed against Carnival Cruise Lines. Well, if you thought the ship was filthy, slimy, and disgusting, wait until these lawyers get involved.

Over the weekend, President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods. Tiger said the president was a very good golfer for a guy who plays only five days a week.

Actually, you know what the president’s handicap is? He doesn’t understand economics.

Actually, Tiger Woods gave the president some very valuable tips. The most valuable one? Erase all of your text messages.


The Italian press is reporting that the next Pope could be the cardinal from Boston. If he gets the job, he’ll be the first Pope to make you kiss his 2007 World Series ring.

A top food manufacturer is reporting that some of their pasta meals contain horse meat. So if I were you, I’d stay away from the “Rigatoni, My Little Pony.”

In Massachusetts, a dad promised his daughter $200 if she would get off Facebook, which is ridiculous, because every parent knows the best way to get a kid off of Facebook is to join Facebook.

Yesterday Burger King’s official Twitter account got hacked. When asked for comment, people who follow Burger King on twitter were too embarrassed to identify themselves.

Late Show with David Letterman

I have a special treat for the audience here tonight. Save your ticket stubs, all right? Somebody’s going on a Carnival Cruise!

The Pope, a couple of weeks ago, was fired. One day you’re the leader of the Catholic Church, and the next day you’re at Denny’s blowing on your soup.

Here’s one of the odd things about being Pope. You’re the Pope and you’re in your office and sitting at your desk, and on your desk is a photo of your boss’s son.

Pope Benedict is deaf in one ear. He’s deaf in one ear and also a little bit blind, but boy, he sure could play a mean pinball.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s a great day for a bunch of thieves in Belgium. They got away with more than $50 million worth of pure, uncut diamonds. This diamond heist is the biggest robbery ever pulled off at an airport if you don’t count them charging $25 to check a bag.

The thieves got away in a minivan. Police are blaming the Serbian crime syndicate. In a minivan? I think it’s diabolical soccer moms.

When I hear about a crime like this, part of me thinks it’s kind of cool. But it’s not right. Stealing is never cool. They took something without it being funny. This wasn’t “Ocean’s 11.” These guys just came up and took someone’s hard-earned money without being at all funny or cool. So it’s more like “Ocean’s 12.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

In a new interview, Bill Gates said he’s not satisfied with the level of innovation at Microsoft. He would’ve said more, but he had to hang up the phone so his assistant could use the Internet.

Today North Korea announced that its tourism has steadily increased over the last 10 years. You can tell they’re trying to boost tourism with their new slogan, “North Korea: You’ll Never Want to Leave, Because We Won’t Let You.”

Reader’s Digest has filed for bankruptcy, just one week after the Pope resigned. Man, my grandmother hasn’t been this depressed since Michael Bublé got married.

Lawmakers in Montana are considering a bill that would make it legal for people to take road kill home and use it as food. When Montana residents heard that, they were like, “Wait, that was illegal?”

Wednesday Feb 20 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become “The Jerry Springer Show”?

Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse than the next guy. And he’s right, because you know who the next guy was? John Edwards.

The former San Diego mayor, Maureen O’Connor, told federal prosecutors she went broke after gambling away more than a billion dollars she inherited from her late husband at casinos playing video poker. But to be fair, at one point, she was up 300 bucks.

Former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. pled guilty to misusing hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use, including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that money on a watch, and now he’s going to wind up doing time.


I’ve got the latest Oscar buzz. Many Pakistanis are saying that “Zero Dark Thirty” contains factual errors. Then someone explained to the Pakistanis that being directed by a woman does not qualify as a factual error.

It’s been reported that after the Pope retires he’ll receive a relatively small pension. So don’t be surprised to see an elderly German on the sidewalk with a sign that reads “Will Pope for food.”

It’s being reported that the next Pope could be a cardinal from Boston. That means the Vatican may soon endorse birth control but only for Yankee fans.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s still winter here in New York City. It’s 28 and bitter, like Lindsay Lohan.

They’re going to miss Pope Benedict. He’s very underrated. This is the guy who wanted to replace Communion wafers with unlimited bread sticks.

They’re looking for a new Pope. Each candidate will get a week’s tryout with Kelly Ripa.

A woman called 911 because she ran out of cigarettes. You don’t see me calling 911 because I run out of jokes, do you? Not anymore, anyway.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s a great day for the city of Los Angeles. We’ve become the first city to synchronize all of our traffic lights. This will make it easier to get downtown and watch the Lakers lose.

Today the Bulgarian prime minister, Boyko Borisov, stepped down. He’s stepping down like the Pope, but with a funnier name and a smaller hat.

I’m not sure who’ll replace Boyko Borisov. My money’s on Ashton Kutcher.

Robert Plant told Australia’s version of “60 Minutes” that he’d be willing to reform Led Zeppelin. When I heard this, I said, “What? Australia has a “60 Minutes?”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

A woman in New York has been arrested for hiring strippers to perform at her son’s 16th birthday party. Even Dina and Michael Lohan were like, “That’s a really bad parenting choice.”

Florida Atlantic University announced a new corporate sponsor for their football stadium. It happens to be America’s second largest operator of for-profit prisons. I guess they figured a lot of the athletes end up in prison anyway.

The school, Florida Atlantic University, says very little will change. The only change they’re making is that hot dogs will now go for two packs of cigarettes.

In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is “Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

I guess to appeal to a younger audience, this year’s Academy Awards are just being referred to as the Oscars. And to appeal to an even younger audience, they’re spelling Oscar with a “z” — and backwards in crayon.

There’s talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back China.

In an effort to reduce its debt, the U.S. Postal Service is launching its own line of clothing and accessories. They come in one size, embarrasses all.

Thursday Feb 21 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Scientists at the University of Maryland say they have found a chemical that causes women to talk more than men. It’s called red wine.

According to the new study, women talk almost three times as much as men. Well, you know why? Because they know men aren’t listening the first two times.

Officials in Oklahoma now say it is possible that a 65-year-old man recently died of spontaneous combustion. This is not an isolated case. I think the last guy we saw go down in flames was Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr.

The price of gasoline went up again in Los Angeles for the 34th straight day in a row. Gas is so expensive that NBC can’t even afford to drive this network into the ground anymore.


The Oscars are this Sunday. Everyone will be tuning in to the telecast, and “Lincoln” is one of the big favorites. Of course, like Lincoln, most people won’t stick around for the whole show.

This year producers have dropped the name Academy Awards. They’re just calling it “the Oscars,” since that’s how people refer to it. And for the same reason, the Tonys are being renamed “the Gay Olympics.”

At this year’s show, instead of attractive models handing out the Oscars, six college film students have been chosen to hand them out. So now every winning actor will receive a trophy and a crappy screenplay.

Fox news host Bill O’Reilly is writing a new book about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time Jesus’ death is blamed on Obamacare.

Late Show with David Letterman

Folks are excited about the Academy Awards on Sunday. Ann Hathaway will probably win. She’s won so many awards she’s being tested for banned substances.

Lindsay Lohan is having an Academy Awards party. Here’s how it will go. Any time someone opens an envelope, or any time during the telecast they run a commercial, or any time the audience applauds or sits quietly, Lindsay will do a shot.

Have you seen a movie out there called “Zero Dark Thirty?” It’s about the hunt for Osama bin Laden and his wife Mary Todd bin Laden.

Steven Spielberg’s “Lincoln” received 12 nominations. I really think “Lincoln” has a shot.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Someone hacked into Donald Trump’s Twitter account. It’s filled with offensive nonsense and stupid jokes. Then it got hacked.

The U.S. Postal Service is launching a fashion line. Some people think it is a bad idea. But I think if the post office gets behind something, it’ll eventually turn out to be a good idea. Just look at sponsoring Lance Armstrong.

This postal service clothing line gets my stamp of approval.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Kim Kardashian said her boyfriend Kanye West has taught her a lot about privacy. She said that to a writer who was printing it in a magazine.

The Oscars are airing live this Sunday. The ceremony takes place right across the street from us. I know this sounds like a cliché, but it is an honor just to be located across the street from them.

There’s an interesting contest going on in the best actress category. Both the youngest and oldest actresses are competing. The one is only 9, which makes your kid’s performance as tree number two in the school play seem a little less impressive, right?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It was just announced that President Obama will speak at Ohio State’s graduation in May. The president has a lot in common with those students. He’s currently in his fifth year and swamped with debt.

Officials in Pakistan are complaining that the movie “Zero Dark Thirty” contains a lot of errors. They were like, “The movie makes Pakistan out to be a hellish wasteland of corruption and intolerance — but in real life, it’s WAY worse than that.”

After the success of his book, “Killing Lincoln,” Bill O’Reilly is coming out with a new book called “Killing Jesus.” He’s going to be disappointed when he finds out there’s already a book about that.

Researchers have discovered that a chemical in the brain causes women to talk more than men. It’s called “Chardonnay.”


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