Sunday Funnies

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Oct. 11, 2012

“A new poll found that only 47 percent of voters find Mitt Romney to be trustworthy. Then Romney was like, 'Well, I hope it's not the same 47 percent I don't care about.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“This week President Obama's Facebook page received more than a million 'Likes' in a single day. All of them from Republicans who watched last week's debate.” –Jimmy Fallon

“There is a lot of anticipation for tonight's vice-presidential debate. Joe Biden took six days off to prepare for it. President Obama took just two days off. Well, three if you count the actual debate.” –Jay Leno

“Astronomers have discovered a planet that is twice the size of earth and made of diamonds. President Obama says the planet may be inhabited by aliens not paying their fair share.” –Jay Leno

“Earlier tonight was the vice presidential debate. A lot of people say who cares, but let me tell you something. One of these two gentlemen will be walking the White House dog.” –David Letterman

“The vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan went on tonight. It seemed like someone spiked Biden's ensure with a five-hour energy drink or something. He was very fired up.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“We haven't seen Paul Ryan talk much. He's a very serious guy. Paul Ryan seems like the guy you see at the bank who really hates standing in line.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Paul Ryan looks like the guy who guards the keg at a frat party.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Because President Obama and Mitt Romney went way over their time limits, they put safety measures in place for this debate to make sure it didn't happen again. I think they got this idea from award shows. Biden didn't even have time to thank his agent.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Oct. 12-13, 2012

“Congressman Ryan prepared for Thursday's debate by studying policy and holding practice debates, and I think Biden prepared by shot gunning Red Bull and watching Yosemite Sam cartoons.” –Seth Meyers

“During Thursday's debate Vice President Biden repeatedly criticized Paul Ryan's statements calling them a 'bunch of stuff.' In fairness, 'a bunch of stuff' is the entire text of the Romney/Ryan economic plan.” –Seth Meyers

“Mitt Romney on Tuesday once again tried to distance himself from his infamous 47 percent comments, saying, 'the words that came out were not what I meant.' And if that sounds like a good excuse to you, try it on your girlfriend.” –Seth Meyers

“In an interview Wednesday Mitt Romney, who had previously stated he would not introduce legislation limiting abortion, vowed that he would still be a 'pro-life president.' Which makes sense because Romney defines 'life' as anybody making over 250,000 dollars a year.” –Seth Meyers

“I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon, and I'm going to try to tell these jokes before Joe Biden interrupts me.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Joe Biden actually interrupted Paul Ryan 82 times during the vice-presidential debate. Even the ladies from 'The View' were like, 'Dude — wait your turn!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Biden aggressively contested nearly every claim his opponent made during their debate. Then President Obama was like, 'Wait — you’re allowed to do that?' –Jimmy Fallon

“Last night was the vice-presidential debate. Jim Lehrer, who moderated the first debate, wanted to watch at home but he lost control of the remote.” –David Letterman

“Paul Ryan accused Joe Biden of underdeveloped triceps.” –David Letterman

“I was watching TV last night, and I see this stupid infomercial for Crest Whitestrips that goes on for like an hour and a half with this guy just smiling. Then I realize it's Joe Biden. I'm watching the debate.” –Jay Leno

“The Obama campaign has a new strategy. They've gone from 'hope and change' to 'smirk and giggle.'” –Jay Leno

“We learned a lot about Joe Biden's policies last night. As you know, he has come out very, very strongly against malarkey.” –Jay Leno

“There were a couple of really funny jokes during the debate. Like when Paul Ryan referred to the Saudis as our allies, and the way Biden kept referring to Ryan as 'my friend.'” –Jay Leno

Oct. 15-16, 2012

“The second presidential debate is on tonight. President Obama is now saying he was too polite to Mitt Romney in the first debate. Obama now plans to address Romney as 'Money Bag.'” –Conan O'Brien

“One of President Obama's goals tonight is to win back female voters. Which explains why Obama is going to answer every question with a passage from 'Fifty Shades of Grey.'” –Conan O'Brien

“After Paul Ryan stopped by for a photo op at a soup kitchen, the head of the charity said Ryan did nothing. In other words, that man is ready to be vice president.” –Conan O'Brien

“Ross Perot has endorsed Mitt Romney. This could help Romney get the vote of people you forgot were still alive.” –Conan O'Brien

“The Obama campaign is releasing a new ad showing Americans whose financial situation has improved over the past four years. Unfortunately, the only person who appears in the ad is Mitt Romney.” –Conan O'Brien

“Polling across the country shows the presidential race is now neck and neck. It's an even tie between not Barack Obama and not Mitt Romney.” –Conan O'Brien

“I don't know why they had a debate. This race was over last night when Honey Boo Boo made her official endorsement. She's pulling for Barack Obama. They say as goes Honey Boo Boo, so goes the election.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“They agreed the subjects for the debate were foreign and domestic issues. Which pretty much covers everything, doesn't it? Where else is there besides foreign and domestic issues? Space, I guess?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Tonight's debate was what they call the town hall format, which is where real voters get to ask questions and the candidates ignore them and just talk about what they wanted to in the first place.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“One of the rules was that the moderator will not ask follow-up questions or comment on either the questions asked by the audience or the answers by the candidates. So basically one of tonight's debate rules was that no one was allowed to debate.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Everybody is talking about the presidential debate. The second debate was on earlier tonight. I liked the part when Mitt Romney said 'Boooo, China.' And Obama was like, 'Yay, old people.'” –Craig Ferguson

“Apparently Mitt Romney wants to limit his appearances to places where no one will attack his positions. You know, like the debates.” –Craig Ferguson

Oct. 17, 2012

“A CNN poll today said that 46 percent of viewers who watched thought Obama won and 39 percent thought Mitt Romney won. So, it looks like Obama's strategy of staying awake through this one paid off.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The questions last night came from undecided voters, and what a group they were. Basically these were the people who still cash checks at the supermarket.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“On the subject of equal pay for women, he said that when he was filing cabinet positions as governor of Massachusetts, he went out of his way to make sure he hired women. He said he had 'binders full of women, which is a little creepy. Binders full of women is something they'd find in a serial killer's basement at the end of Law & Order SVU.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Romney's policy toward women is clear: we have to alphabetize them.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Maybe for Mitt Romney that's the closets he's ever gotten to looking at a dirty magazine.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Couple of things: One, the women’s group was called MassGAP and they approached Governor Romney, not the other way around. And two, my guess is they did not refer to what they presented as a binder full of women, but perhaps as an organized collection of qualified resumes. But hey, Binder of Women, Book of Broads, Notebook of Nipples, whatever.” –Jon Stewart

“Larry King is moderating a presidential debate between third-party candidates on the Internet. That could be awkward. Most Americans have never heard of these candidates. And Larry King has never heard of the Internet.” –Craig Ferguson

“Everyone on TV has said everything there is to say about the last presidential debate, so there's no political commentary here. Tuning into this show for political commentary is like watching Bravo to learn about sports. Or like going to Larry King for marital advice.” –Craig Ferguson


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