Sunday Funnies

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Feb. 17, 2012

“Here’s the good news for liberals. A new poll shows that Santorum and Romney are beating each other up so bad that Obama is now ahead of both of them – another tragic result of white-on-white crime.” –Bill Maher

Feb. 20, 2012

“Happy Presidents Day. We have a lot of Presidents Day sales. Mitt Romney got a little confused. He thought the presidency was for sale.” –Jay Leno

“You think he’s bad… Rick Santorum is so anti-gay, he doesn’t even want pirates touching their own booty.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative that when he goes to KFC, he only orders the right wings.” –Jay Leno

“You can tell gas prices are going up in California. Prius owners are getting that smug look again.” –Jay Leno

“The North Korea news agency is saying that the birds and the pandas and all the wildlife are moaning because they’re so depressed over the death of Kim Jong Il. Wait a minute. Is it possible they are moaning because they live in North Korea?” –David Letterman

“Microsoft founder Bill Gates attended a fundraiser for President Obama on Friday. He wasn’t invited, but in typical Microsoft fashion he crashed it.” –Jimmy Fallon

Feb. 21, 2012

“Tomorrow night is the 20th Republican debate, which explains that new campaign slogan, ‘Vote Mitt Romney — or else we’ll keep doing this.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“In fact, Santorum is so conservative he won’t even let the UPS guy handle his package. That’s how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“Last night PBS began airing a four-hour documentary about Bill Clinton and his presidency, and tonight they spent 40 minutes just on Monica Lewinsky. Forty minutes! That’s 38 more minutes than Bill spent on her.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich called President Obama ‘the most dangerous president in U.S. history.’ But then he said ‘on the dance floor.’” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s been reported that Mitt Romney’s campaign is spending cash twice as fast as they’re earning it. Hey, it turns out he is just like us after all.” –Conan O’Brien

“Political analysts say the key voting bloc could be birth control moms. Birth control moms are women who use birth control but apparently not correctly.” –Conan O’Brien

“Everyone throws beads on Mardi Gras. The beads are paid for by local businessmen who ride on elaborate floats and toss little trinkets to the desperate masses in the streets. Which is also Mitt Romney’s economic plan.” –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Other Movies About Mitt Romney”

10. Dial M For Mitt
9. Mitty Mitty Bang Bang
8. The Mittrix
7. Butch Romney And The Sundance Mitt
6. Mittion: Impossible
5. When Harry Mitt Romney
4. Terms of Endearmitt
3. Mr. Romney Doesn’t Go To Washington
2. Dog On A Hot Car Roof
1. They’re Just Not That Into You

Feb. 22, 2012

“Today Mitt Romney had some ashes on his head. He’s not Catholic. It was soot from his campaign blowing up in his face.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you’re not an outsider. You’re just unpopular.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum has said that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. Today Satan said he tries to avoid politics because it makes him feel dirty.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative that he won’t masturbate because it involves sex with a guy.” –Jay Leno

“Analysts say a key voting bloc this election year will be women called ‘Birth Control Moms.’ They’re moms who use birth control, but apparently not correctly.” –Conan O’Brien

“During a concert at the White House yesterday, President Obama got on stage and performed with Mick Jagger. Apparently, Obama wanted to prove to Republicans that he could work with a rich old white guy.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran’s nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail.” –Conan O’Brien

“Congressman Barney Frank is getting married soon — to another guy. Usually congressmen only do that sort of thing in secret.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is Ash Wednesday, and all over the country people are giving things up for Lent. In my opinion, Rick Santorum should give up chocolate while Newt Gingrich should give up, stop — that’s it, he should just give up.” –Jimmy Fallon

“It’s National Pancake Week. Of course Mitt Romney was in a debate tonight, so it’s also National Waffle Week.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Sunday is the Academy Awards. I talked to a friend of mine at the academy, and the odds-on favorite is ‘The Help.’ It’s all about housekeepers being pursued by Arnold Schwarzenegger.” –David Letterman

“This artificial hamburger technology is not perfected. To make a complete patty, scientists say it will cost $400,000 per hamburger. The first 10 have already been ordered by Mitt Romney.” –Craig Ferguson


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