Sunday Funnies

Oct. 6, 2011

“Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee that the economic recovery is close to faltering. On the bright side, most Americans won’t be affected because we had no idea there was a recovery.” –Jay Leno

“A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it’s possible that ‘less than no one’ thinks they’re doing a good job.” –Jay Leno

“There’s a bill in Florida to repeal the state ban on dwarf tossing. Is this what Republicans mean when they say they want smaller government?” –Jimmy Kimmel

Oct. 7, 2011

“Chris Christie announced he would not enter the race. In a statement he said ‘Look at me. Do I look like I’m ready to race anyone?'” –Bill Maher

“Herman Cain answered the Wall Street protesters, and he had a message for these protesters. He said, ‘If you don’t have a job, if you’re not rich, don’t blame Wall Street, don’t blame the banks, blame yourself.’ And a nation of out of work teabaggers said, ‘Yeah! Hey, wait a minute.'” –Bill Maher

“Over 700 people who were part of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations were arrested this past weekend in New York when they tried to block traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. Because there’s nothing people on Wall Street hate more than not being able to get to Brooklyn.” –Seth Meyers

“Unemployment is still at 9.1 percent. Well, 9.2 percent if you count Hank Williams, Jr.” –Jay Leno

“China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that’s only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that’s not going to happen.” –Jay Leno

“Under Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 plan, everything would be taxed at 9 percent. Now, Rick Santorum says he has a better tax plan called 0-0-0. Oh, sorry, that’s his chances of becoming president.” –Jay Leno

Oct. 10, 2011

“It’s the 24th day of the Occupy Wall Street protests, also known as the largest homeless slumber party in the world.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less.” –Conan O’Brien

“California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up.” –Conan O’Brien

“Bo the White House dog is 3 today. The difference between Bo and the economy is that Obama fixed the dog.” –David Letterman

“Rick Perry has admitted that he’s so tired that he can’t sleep. He should listen to one of his own speeches.” –David Letterman

“A team of American scientists just traveled to Russia to search for the Abominable Snowman. That’s right, a mythical creature who probably doesn’t exist. Or as Republicans call that, ‘a presidential candidate.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Two Americans won the Nobel Prize today, for economics. How crappy is the economy in the rest of the world if America is winning the Nobel Prize for economics?” –Jay Leno

“Christopher Columbus claimed America for Spain. If the British had never come here, we would all be speaking Spanish – as opposed to just half of the country speaking Spanish.” –Jay Leno

“The stock market skyrocketed today. See what happens when the banks and the federal government shut down for a day?” –Jay Leno

Oct. 11, 2011

“Herman Cain was in 2nd place in most of the national polls, behind Mitt Romney. Apparently his message of ‘less government, more toppings’ has been well received.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Occupy Wall Street protesters traveled around New York to stand outside the mansions of the most wealthy people in New York. Is that protesting or tourism?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Happy birthday to Bo, the White House dog. It looks like he may be a one-term dog.” –David Letterman

“Michelle Obama attempted to set a world record for jumping jacks. I think that will make unemployment a little easier to tolerate.” –David Letterman

“A Florida report says there are fewer bad drivers because the economy is keeping people off the road. Now, the White House is saying they don’t have a failed economic plan, they have a successful highway safety plan.” –Jay Leno

“San Francisco hosted the first medical marijuana job fair. The keynote speech was titled, ‘Jobs and How to Avoid Getting One.'” –Jay Leno

“President Obama announced that he is going to visit Detroit on Friday. Why? The Tigers are in the Playoffs, the Lions are undefeated, car sales are going through the roof – why ruin it with a presidential speech? They are doing fine. Don’t go there.” –Jay Leno

“Two Americans won the Nobel Prize for economics. That’s like the Chinese winning for child day care.” –Jay Leno

Oct. 12, 2011

“You know who’s also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That’s a real good idea — a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.” –David Letterman

“The candidates at the last Republican debate got to ask each other questions. Jon Huntsman asked, ‘Who am I?'” –David Letterman

“At the last Republican debate, the candidates were seated according to how they’ve been doing in the polls. So Jon Huntsman was seated next to Tim Pawlenty at a Denny’s across the street.” –Conan O’Brien

“Brian Williams said if he ever left his wife for a man, that man would be Bruce Springsteen. Which is a really weird way to begin the nightly news.” –Conan O’Brien

“The protesters stood outside the homes of five rich dudes. Michael Moore was actually able to stand outside all five homes at the same time.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama had beer with four unemployed construction workers. And Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs, and they were like, ‘Oh, you’ll see.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“When the check came, Obama was like, ‘Do you guys want to split this five ways?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“During the Republican debate last night, Michele Bachmann said she has 28 children, five of her own and 23 foster kids. It’s all part of her new strategy: Adopting a majority of voters.” –Jimmy Fallon

“One of the guys accused of organizing the Iranian plot to kill the Saudi ambassador is a used car salesman from Texas. Just when you thought terrorists couldn’t get any lower.” –Jay Leno

“Chris Christie has officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is ‘shrinking the American pie.’ And believe me, if there’s one thing Christie hates, it’s a small pie.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Perry’s advisers said he prepared for the last debate by getting a lot more sleep. Apparently, he did it during the debate.” –Jay Leno

“At one point, Rick Santorum was interrupted by a gay heckler. But then Michele Bachmann told her husband, ‘Just shut up and sit down.'” –Jay Leno

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Reasons Chris Christie Endorsed Mitt Romney”

10. Romney sounds like pastrami
9. Perry wouldn’t let him fry eggs on the Texas electric chair
8. Two liters of Shop Rite root beer and a king size Snickers did the trick
7. If elected, Romney said he’d overturn rule requiring enormous people to buy extra airplane seat
6. Needed something to do between lunch and second lunch
5. Acting on direct orders from Colonel Sanders
4. It was a close call between him and Rick Santorum — just kidding
3. Mistook Mitt’s repeated ‘bi-partisan’ references to mean two kinds of cheese
2. Movie star good lucks — who could resist?
1. Only other options were the nutjob, the crackpot, the pizza dude and Newt


Source