Charles C.W. Cooke:
National Review obtained this exclusive fake transcript
HH: Joined now by Donald Trump. Donald Trump, welcome back to the Hugh Hewitt Show, it’s always a pleasure to talk to you.
DT: Thank you, Hugh.
HH: Tell us a little about yourself. Where were you born?
DT: Okay, fine.
[pause]
HH: All right. I’m on with Donald Trump. So, where were you born?
DT: Can you give me a little . . .
HH: I’m asking in which place you were born. It’s not a gotcha question, Donald Trump. You know I don’t do those here.
DT: Well, that is a gotcha question, though. I mean, you know, when you’re asking me about where I was born, this this, that’s not, that is not, I was really small at the time. I wasn’t a politician then. All you need to know about this is that I’ll be so good at births and deaths and all that stuff that your head will spin. I’ll get the best genealogists for everybody, and the gynecologists for the women, who love me by the way and want to vote for me. I think what is really important is to pick out, and this is something I’m so good at, to pick out who is the best; not to, you know, talk about things like where people were born.
HH: Except for . . .
DT: . . . except for Barack Obama who was probably born in Kenya, and Ted Cruz who isn’t actually an American. Yes.
HH: All right, good. Let’s talk about politics. Do you own a gun?
DT: You know, I’d rather not say. I’m quite an introvert.
HH: Introvert?
DT: I was on a stage the other day in front of 20,000 people, 30,000 people — big stage, great crowd, all shouting my name, loved it, media hated it obviously but afterwards they came up and said it was the best rally they’d ever seen, and even the other candidates called me and praised me for my attacks on them — and I was saying to them, these 40,000 people, how I don’t need to tell anybody anything about myself because I’m an introvert. They loved it, couldn’t get enough. Very smart people, all 50,000 of them. None of them politicians. I was saying that they can find out about me in my book, The Art of the Deal, the best book other than the Bible. Excellent book. Publisher wants another one. Offered me a huge amount of money. Huge. They’re all voting for me, the publishers. They’re for Trump in Manhattan.
HH: All right. A lot of Second Amendment defenders care about this question: What do you understand by the term “assault weapon”?
DT: Well, yeah, I think that you know, the word assault weapon, and a lot of people, there’s been a lot of controversy, but I wouldn’t give you exact, I am in favor. I know some people at the NRA and the assault-weapons companies. I’m for assaults. All of them. You name an assault, I want it. Define it and I’ll help. Come to me with an offer.
HH: How about specifics: Should the AR-15 be legal?
DT: Of course. And the AR-16 and AR-17 too. By the way, the other candidates never say that. Professional politicians never talk about those guns. Look, I can’t tell you what guns I have. As I’ve been telling the massive crowds around the country, I’m too private to share my thoughts. But if I did have a rifle, and I do, it would be the most luxurious rifle you’ve ever seen. It would have a big propeller on it, and a torch that shone “Trump” into the sky. And it would look exactly like a wall. Have you asked Jeb Bush if he’s in favor of AR-16s, too? I bet he’s not. He’s a nice guy. He’s a nice guy. Should I say this? Yes. He’s a nice guy. But he’s not going to make America great again if he can’t even talk about AR-16s.
HH: All right. A religious question now. What do you think of Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who is refusing to grant marriage licenses to gay couples?
DT: Well, I’m big into religion. Huge. Huge. I’m into God and Christianity and the flying people and the wafers. All that stuff. Big into the Testaments too. But I mean, the Supreme Court has ruled. Ken David is wrong.
HH: Kim Davis.
DT: Right. I mean, he has to follow the law and do his job, or let someone else do it.
HH: She.
DT: No more gotcha questions please, Hugh. But really, I want to know why people want licenses from Ken in the first place. I had my people look into it, and his licenses are not classy at all. Nobody knows how easy it would be to make a great license. So easy. When I’m president, the licenses will be fantastic. The best. You want a license? You got it. Just come see me. I’ll build you the best license you’ve ever seen: It’ll be gay and powerful, and we’ll make it very good looking. It would be as good as a marriage contract has got to be. I know a lot about this area, obviously.
Left out, under the article’s headline:
Emphasis added. So, Like ‘The Onion’ and many other online parodies, this supposed conversation never took place.