It’s Time for a NEW Green New Deal

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I don’t want to say the Democratic Party is in trouble, but they’re rapidly running out of members who have never sexually assaulted anybody or taken a picture in blackface. One of the only non-racist, non-rapist Dems left is a 29-year-old bartender who nobody had heard of eight months ago. But now we’re all supposed to listen to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Now we’re supposed to stifle our laughter at her “Green New Deal.” She demands to be taken seriously.



There’s no point in getting into the specifics of AOC’s GND, because there are none. She’s not really a “details” kinda gal. But here are a few of the modest goals she proposes to meet within the next ten (10) years:

  • Upgrade every single building in the United States to “achieve maximal energy efficiency”
  • “Create millions of good, high-wage jobs” and provide “economic security for all who are unable or unwilling to work”
  • “Universal access to healthy food”
  • Build high-speed rail “at a scale where air travel stops becoming necessary”
  • Give every single American “high-quality health care” (I thought Obamacare already did that?)
  • “Get rid of farting cows”

That’s all in there. Seriously. And it’s just a fraction of the fairy tale AOC weaves. The Green New Deal stops short of creating a literal pie in the sky, but only because she couldn’t decide which flavor is least harmful to the environment.

And how does this proposal propose to do all that? Shrug emoji! It’s easy to save the world if you don’t get bogged down in details. It’s like the “Underpants Gnomes” bit from South Park, except apparently it’s not a joke.

Tyler O’Neill sums it up:

But maybe my skepticism is unfounded. Maybe this really is a feasible proposal, and an important day in world history? After all…

When was the last time a trending topic on Twitter ended up not mattering?

But I see no reason to stop there. The Green New Deal doesn’t go far enough. We need a New Green New Deal! Okay, hear me out, you guys:

We can’t make everybody stop breathing, but how about half of us? Carbon dioxide is killing the planet. Guess what you exhaled just now? Carbon dioxide! And you’re just one of the 7.7 billion people on the planet. Not to mention all the dogs and cats and pigs and gorillas and pandas and other planet-killing creatures out there, running around spewing carbon into the atmosphere and killing us all. Now, everyone knows it’s a bad idea for Thanos to snap his fingers and kill half of all living beings in the universe. What this proposal presupposes is: Maybe it’s good? Reducing the population by 50 percent would make life 100 percent better. So, everybody will be assigned a number, and there will be some sort of drawing or lottery to decide who commits suicide. One half will die so the other half can live.* Unless you want to keep destroying the planet?

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I can’t wait to see the high speed rail to Europe. That should be finished in, what… a couple of years? And no matter how many farting cows you get rid of, you’ll still have Oprah, Joy and Rosie farting up the joint.

The conversion to green energy is supposed to, as one helpful bi-product, eliminate poverty. I have to wonder how driving the cost of energy through the roof (necessarily skyrocketing) helps the poor?

I guess those prisoners in the Brooklyn Federal Jail were getting a preview of Occasional-Kotex’s future has in store for us all. The citizens of Venezuela, too, are way ahead of the curve.

Lets take every bad idea and just sprinkle it with fairy farts er dust and it will magically be Utopia. If Maduro and an sea sponge had a daughter… it would be AOC. (sea sponges amazingly have no brain)
Aaaaand The “Green New Deal” FAQ Page Got Taken Down the Onion couldnt take the competition.

Well lets see. No air travel and no fossil fuels. But we will have high speed trains which will be expected to move a lot of goods like food to where is is needed. Trains do this today with the help of diesel fuel but that will become illegal. So since trains weigh in the millions of pounds what propulsion system will be used to move it “high speed”? Or any speed for that matter. You can’t slap a few solar panels to the roof of the engines and expect magic to happen.
If we are going to rebuld and or retrofit every building and house in 12 years we will have to do thousands per day to meet that goal.
This thing is insane.

@Mully:

If we are going to rebuld and or retrofit every building and house in 12 years we will have to do thousands per day to meet that goal.

That would have made a great “shovel ready” job a few years back, wouldn’t it? Too bad we wasted THAT trillion dollars.

AOC actually said recently that EVERYONE ought to make their breakfast out of avocado toast and banana.
I hope she realizes that avocados and bananas must be trucked, refrigerated, to get to markets beyond CA.
I wonder how she expects those trucks to be powered?
If we “get rid of all internal combustion engines,” will we bother to keep our roads repaired?
Why?
For the elites?
For their avocado and banana breakfasts?

@Nan G: There cant be any farming that land is needed for solar panels, we get less than 10 % of energy consumed from green sources we need to make up for that missing 90%. Getting rid of cows there will be no manure to fertilize the plants anyway. If only the methane from cow manure could be used for something….greenish https://www.sfgate.com/green/article/AGRICULTURE-270-cows-generating-electricity-for-2779190.php. Seems a less than 5 year payback might be a worthy investment maybe more so than a new combine tractor with all the bells and whistles.

How Much Does a John Deere Combine Cost?

no solar electric or windmill powered models available, guess no one eats.

@kitt: How is that new solar powered John Deere coming along?

@Deplorable Me: The disc keeps cutting the cord to the battery barn.

@kitt: Since AOC has never SEEN a tractor or what they do, I guess she didn’t consider that possibility.

@Deplorable Me: I’m sure they dont have farms in the bronx, she needs to get out and discover her country a little, you know see how the tax slaves live.
There is much life outside of being a beer wench.