by The Babylon Bee
BEIJING—General Mark Milley was heard last night riding through the streets of Beijing, desperately warning the Chinese with the clarion call, “The Americans are coming! The Americans are coming!!”
“Hey look, those Chinese generals are my buddies, they deserve fair warning—I’ve known them for ten years now, and they are always so nice to me. They were super supportive about that whole Afghanistan withdrawal thing—those friendships are more important than some job,” explained General Milley, America’s highest-ranking military officer.
“I mean—they aren’t close friends, we don’t get together for poker or anything. But we do sometimes exchange funny memes and nuclear codes. We also play that game ‘Battleship’, but I use the actual coordinates of the 7th fleet, which adds that element of realism which makes it more fun.”
Several members of the media, military and those with objective neurons in their brains saw the midnight ride differently, accusing the General of treason. While admitting that factually he totally committed treason, General Milley defended his actions as morally correct. “You all think this is so clear-cut, like there is some clear chain of command we are supposed to follow in the military. It’s not that simple,” said General Milley. “What if you had a commander who ordered an airstrike against terrorists who kept people in concentration camps, but that felt kind of rash to you? And what if those terrorists had just sent you a hilarious cat .gif? Put yourself in my shoes.”
$64 question. Who was the leftist President 20 years ago that gave him his flag; and then added stars?