Posted by Curt on 31 January, 2020 at 12:29 pm. 3 comments already!


impeachment managers today accused President Trump of illegally removing one of those mattress tags from a White House bed. In front of sleepy, bored-stiff Senators—some of whom had their heads leaned backward as they counted ceiling tiles—Adam Schiff (D-CA) declared: “We have new evidence from a member of the White House cleaning staff—let’s just call her “Lucinda”—that Mr. Trump himself pulled off the tag, which clearly said, in capital letters, ‘DO NOT REMOVE.”

“If a president is capable of this kind of violation of the law,” Mr. Schiff ominously added, “we have to ask, what else is he capable of.”

Originally, the House of Representatives had charged President Trump with “abuse of power” and “being mean to Democrats in Congress,” but when those accusations fell flat in the face of the need for actual evidence, the impeachment managers shifted ground to “bribery” and “extortion.” However, when even Democratic Senators joined their Republicans colleagues in bouts of uproarious laughter in response to those claims, Mr. Schiff pivoted again to to the mattress tag charge.

“No one is above the law,” Rep. Jerry Nadler (D-NY) intoned solemnly, as if he were the first ever to utter the cliche. “Not even the President of the United States.”

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