Mostly Peaceful Academy Awards Ceremony

At the 94th Academy Awards ceremony on Sunday night, Chris Rock was sucker punched by Will Smith because Chris joked that Jade Pinkett Smith (shaved head) was preparing for a role in G.I. Jane #2. Apparently, making fun of his spouse’s bald noggin was the “last straw,” and Will angrily stormed the stage.  It has long been rumored in HOLLYWEIRD that the Smiths’ have an open marriage  which supposedly means that one or both of the parties can date or canoodle anyone he/she desires.

I was unaware of that option when I married, but double checked the fine print in the marriage license just to make sure. The boiler plate language seemed pretty air tight and monogamy was actually highlighted with a yellow Sharpie Highlighter pen. By the way, I was just inquiring for a friend!

I digress.  Will Smith (who desperately needs a course in anger management) walked up on stage and was not stopped by security which seemed odd.  The assault and battery was observed by 1,250 people worldwide who actually watched the dreary televised event.  “Will Smith went from hero to villain in 30 seconds flat.”  Two nuns, watching the event at home, murmured, “That escalated quickly. We just wanted to watch a beautiful Academy Awards ceremony and then the Prince of Bel-Air smacked another dude and ruined the evening for everyone.”

Technically, everyone witnessed an assault. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences (AMPAS) abhors ALL violence except in those money generating films like:  Rambo I,II,III,IV, The Punisher, Saw I,II,II,IV,V,VI, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, etc.  The Academy immediately took draconian measures to punish Will Smith and in a bold move, sent a candy gram to his seat asking him pretty please to leave the theater.  Will refused their request but did enjoy the candy.

The Academy was then forced to really punish Will.  Smith was invited back up to the stage and received a bright, shiny, Oscar. The entire audience gave Will Smith a standing ovation after he physically attacked a fellow human being.  Jim Carrey said, “I was sickened by the standing ovation. I felt like Hollywood is just spineless en masse and it just really felt like…Oh, that’s a very clear indication that we’re not the cool club anymore.” “Ya think?” Chris Rock was innocent victim and didn’t deserve to be humiliated in that manner.

I think that Smith learned a valuable lesson that night as he left the venue with a luxurious Oscar gift bag valued at $137,000 and an coveted Oscar.

Approximately 1,513 hungry, homeless, men, women and children live on Hollywood streets.  In an impressive display of love, admiration and respect for Will Smith and the entire Academy, all of them applauded, while coughing from the exhaust fumes, as multiple stretch limos, leaving Dolby Theater, passed by their rotting cardboard shelters.

The Academy is already making some changes for their ceremony in 2023.  Chris Rock weighs 168 pounds and will probably be replaced by someone more formidable like Dwayne Johnson.  Dwayne, who is known by his ring name, “The Rock,”  is 6’5″ and weighs about 260 pounds.  Will Smith will be sitting in the audience and “The Rock” will utter the exact comedic lines that infuriated Will Smith in 2022.  The world will breathlessly wait for Will to storm the stage “once more into the breach” and attempt to bitch-slap “The Rock.”

When Will Smith wakes up the following week in the hospital, the world will recognize Hollywood for what it has become-irrelevant and definitely not the cool club anymore.