Sunday Funnies

Friday Sep 13 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

I’ve lost some weight. I am on that new Obama diet. Every day I let Vladimir Putin eat my lunch.

Today is Friday the 13th, and over in Finland the airline “Finnair” had a flight numbered 666 going to Helsinki — which has the three-letter designation “HEL.” So on your ticket it says Friday the 13th, flight 666, going to hell. Even scarier? There’s a layover in Newark.

Mercedes has unveiled a self-driving car. The car drives itself. I’m begging every member of Lindsay Lohan’s family to get one of these.

In Canada, a man was attacked by a polar bear and he scared it off with his cellphone. Apparently the bear got frightened when he saw the two-year contract.

Late Show with David Letterman

Dr. Phil is on the program tonight. You’ve got to hand it to Dr. Phil, he is a smart guy. He turned a phony medical degree into a media empire.

In the last 20 years the ambient temperature of the planet earth has increased two degrees. That’s two more degrees than Dr. Phil has.

The Miss America Pageant is coming back on Sunday night from Atlantic City. They’re modernizing the pageant. They’re changing the name of it to “America’s Got Implants.”

Being Miss America is like being a George Clooney girlfriend. You only get to serve for one year. And Miss Florida, what a beautiful young woman. Her talent is swimming over from Cuba.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s Friday the 13th. It is always considered unlucky. It got scarier when those “Friday the 13th” movies came out. That hockey mask Jason wears is terrifying. How did they come up with that? Who’d make a link between hockey and violence?

A few years ago, they made the movie “Freddy vs. Jason.” They do that all the time. They take two franchises that are totally out of gas and put them against each other. There was “Dracula vs. Frankenstein,” “Alien vs. Predator,” “Khloe vs. Lamar,” “Jay vs. Conan.”

Godzilla was in tons of those movies, like “Godzilla vs. King Kong.” The most uneven was “Godzilla vs. Mothra.” How’s that a fair fight? Godzilla is a giant fire-breathing lizard. Mothra is a big moth. What does Mothra do? Eat holes in all of Godzilla’s sweaters?
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The new season of “Survivor” premieres next week. It has a great twist. It has returning contestants competing for a million dollars against their own family members. So if you’re wondering what it takes for people to be willing to be stranded on an island with their families, the answer is a million dollars.

We just had our primary for mayor here in New York City, and a new poll found that only 20 percent of New Yorkers voted. Which got even worse when 50 percent were like, “Wait, Giuliani’s leaving?”

Doritos is asking people from around the world to submit videos that could end up in its Super Bowl commercial. Yeah, then the Jets were like, “Sweet! Maybe we WILL be in the Super Bowl.”

Officials in Washington, D.C., have proposed a 24-hour waiting period before people can get tattoos. Or as people who want tattoos put it, “You mean we gotta stay drunk for 24 hours?”

Monday Sep 16 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

For the first time an Indian-American has won Miss America. A 24-year-old named Nina Davuluri won by answering a question no one else could possible answer: “What is the name of last year’s Miss America?”

California’s legislature approved a bill allowing drivers licenses for illegals. I’ve got a better idea. Instead of giving them new licenses let’s take away the licenses from people like Dina Lohan and Lamar Odom. Give them those licenses.

Dairy farmers now warn that there could be a jump in the price of milk by the end of the year. Milk could be as much as $6 a gallon. Today Senator John McCain outlined a new plan to invade Wisconsin.

According to a new Harris Poll, America’s favorite age is 50. Do you know what NBC’s least favorite age is? — 63.
Conan

For the first time ever, Miss America is a woman of Indian descent. The judge asked her three questions: Why do you want to be Miss America?, What will you do with the prize?, and How do I get my laptop to reboot?

Vladimir Putin wrote that America should not view itself as exceptional. I disagree. Hey, Russia, we invented jazz and the elevators it plays in. We’re the geographic sweet spot between frostbite and beheadings. Our roulette is way better than your roulette. And when you rearrange the letters in “Russia” — you get “USA, Sir!”

There’s a new exercise trend out there. It’s people using twerking to get fit. In just six weeks you can lose 10 pounds and your dignity.

A new study found that toddlers who talk early tend to develop a drinking problem later on in life. Another warning sign is if the kid asks for his milk on the rocks.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

We have a new Miss America. Nina Davuluri is the first Miss America of Indian-American heritage. A lot of people say having an Indian-American as Miss America is a sign of progress. I think it is. We should pat ourselves on the back for objectifying women without regard to ethnicity.

The big controversy in the pageant this year was that Miss Kansas had tattoos. Miss America’s main competitor is the Miss USA Pageant, which is run by Donald Trump. Trump said tattoos made Miss Kansas look silly. Then he stuck his head into a cotton candy machine to whip up a fresh batch of hair.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

“Dancing With the Stars” returned for a 17th season. Paula Dean was rumored to be one of the stars they tried to get to dance. Over the weekend, Paula made her first public appearance since she went into hiding. I knew eventually she would have to come out for butter.

Paula Dean held a cooking demonstration. Some fans paid $400 a ticket. Who pays $400 to watch a woman cook?

Paula told the crowd that the racism controversy taught her a lot about herself and her business. She promised that from now on the only N-word she will use is “nutmeg.”
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Saturday night was the big fight in Las Vegas between Floyd Mayweather and Canelo Alvarez. Justin Bieber and Lil Wayne actually walked Floyd Mayweather to the ring. It really psyched out Alvarez. When he saw the three of them together he was like, “I don’t know who to hit first.”

Yesterday, Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco actually missed the birth of his son so that he could play with his team against the Browns. It was 8 pounds, 7 ounces. Not the baby — the diamond Flacco had to buy his wife to make up for it.

Russia apparently has asked Cher to perform at next year’s Winter Olympics. Because if there’s one thing that’ll keep gay people out of your country, it’s holding a free Cher concert.

Actually, Cher says she turned down Russia’s invitation to perform because of the government’s anti-gay laws. Russia said it’s no big deal. They’ll just move on to their second choice: Liza Minnelli.

Tuesday Sep 17 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Miley Cyrus and her fiance have split up. I guess it just didn’t twerk out.

This week marks the fifth anniversary of the collapse of Lehman Brothers, which sparked the recession. Think about how bad things were back then. We had unemployment over 7 percent. The debt was out of control. There were wars breaking out all over the globe. Thank God that’s all behind us now, huh?

USA Today had a front-page feature on the new healthcare law. It said that the opposition to Obamacare at an all-time high. It has gotten so bad that the president is now calling it “Bidencare.”

According to a new report, over the last three years Social Security overpaid by $1.29 billion — thus establishing itself as the federal government’s most efficient program.
Conan

Miley Cyrus and her fiance have officially called off their engagement. So we are about to see how Miley Cyrus acts when she’s single. We’ve been getting the restrained Miley.

They’ve already announced the most popular Halloween costume. The top one will be the Miley Cyrus costume. Just a warning: I’m not giving any candy to a kid who says “trick or twerk.”

Joe Biden’s niece was arrested. The hardest part about arresting a Biden is convincing them they have the right to remain silent.

There is a library that is stocked with thousands of e-books in San Antonio. But that’s not really a library. It’s called a Kindle.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

In a town in Ireland, the people say they’re being attacked at random by a clown who sprays them with seltzer. Victims describe the attacker as having pale skin, a red nose, and holding a bottle. It’s Ireland! How are they going to find him?

The United Nations General Assembly was called to order. The streets of Manhattan were jammed with people in strange clothes, yelling in weird languages. Then the U.N. got started.

The U.N. building in New York is magnificent. It has lots of flags. It’s like a giant IHOP.

When the U.N. is not in session, the delegates like to take advantage of their “diplomatic immunity.” They go all over Manhattan doing dangerous and crazy stuff with drugs and strippers. Some even dare to snap pictures of Alec Baldwin.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

A Stanford study suggests that social media is making us smarter. They examined hundreds of essays written by college freshmen between 1917 and 2006. By 2006, the papers were longer, better researched, and more complex. That’s because kids in 2006 cut and pasted them from Wikipedia.

The fact of the matter is that we are not getting smarter. Our phones are getting smarter.

I don’t know my home phone number. My cell phone has that information. Phones in the old days were very, very dumb. It’s not us. It’s them.

On Sunday night is the Emmy Awards. The Emmy Awards are a chance to honor the actors everyone loves and the writers, directors, and producers no one cares about.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Joe Biden has people talking that he’ll run for president after he was spotted at a fundraiser in Iowa this week. Unfortunately, he missed giving his speech because he spent four hours trapped in a corn maze.

Britney Spears has signed a $29 million contract to perform shows in Las Vegas for two years. Which explains that new saying: “What Happens in Vegas was Prerecorded at a Studio in L.A.”

NASA is sending chocolate to astronauts on the International Space Station. I guess it makes sense — I mean, it’s not like those guys have to watch their weight. “Nope, still zero pounds.”

Wednesday Sep 18 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Starbucks has a new policy. If you have a gun, they’re asking you to leave it at home — thus making it easier for them to rob you.

According to the Orlando Sentinel, there was a rally to get Tim Tebow to play quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars. But the bad news: Only 12 guys showed up. The good news for Tebow? Those 12 guys were Matthew, Luke, Mark, John, Peter . . .

The face value of tickets to this year’s Super Bowl will be as high as $2,600. So that’s what it will cost the Jacksonville Jaguars if they want to go to the Super Bowl — $2,600.

Cher has turned down an invitation to sing at the 2014 Olympics in Russia because of Russia’s anti-gay laws. Their anti-gay laws are so strict, men can be arrested just for showing up at a Cher concert.
Conan

The CEO of Starbucks is asking customers to stop bringing guns into the coffee chain stores. He said, “It’s our job to rob you guys.”

Starbucks announced they don’t want customers bringing guns into their stores. Meanwhile, Dunkin’ Donuts said there is nothing you can bring in here that’s more dangerous than what we serve.

It turns out that a man who had been struggling with unexplained drunkenness actually had microbes in his stomach that produced alcohol that made him drunk. I don’t have a joke for this, but I just want to let everyone know that this excuse does exist, seriously.

Kelsey Grammer is taking over a part in the new “Expendables” movie that was supposed to go to Nicolas Cage. It’s being called the most unbelievable performance by Nicolas Cage ever — him saying no to a part.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Happy birthday to The New York Times. The Times shares its birthday with Lance Armstrong. Lance Armstrong and The New York Times are very different, of course. One has a history of telling lies and all kinds of crap but is now desperately trying to stay relevant. And the other one’s Lance Armstrong.

The New York Times is very respected. They’ve won more Pulitzer Prizes than any other newspaper. By the way, if you don’t know what that is, I’ll explain. A newspaper is a big papery blog with yesterday’s news.

Apparently some of the contestants on “Big Brother” were fired from their real jobs for racist remarks they made on the show. But this was the best season for “Big Brother” ever, according to Paula Deen.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today was a day of much downloading and updating for owners of the iPad and iPhone. Apple released its new operating system. It was nice to breeze through 40 pages of user terms and conditions again. It’s been too long.

There are so many new features for Apple. The new features will make your phone the most technologically advanced piece of electronic equipment you will ever accidentally put through the washing machine.

Researchers at Ohio State say the number of pedestrians whose have been injured while using smartphones while walking has more than doubled since 2005. They also confirmed that those injuries are hilarious to watch.

Those studies say that not only do people walk into traffic, but people have walked off bridges. That’s one of the injuries no one has any sympathy for. You are the idiot. You got what you deserved.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

North Korea says it’s ready to resume nuclear talks with the U.S. for the first time in five years. But President Obama said it’s going to be pretty awkward – not talking to North Korea, but having to thank Dennis Rodman.

Brazil’s President Dilma Rousseff is apparently so mad over the NSA’s spying scandal that she has canceled her trip to the White House next month. Of course it didn’t help when Brazil called to say they weren’t coming and the White House was like, “Yeah, we heard.”

Senate leaders Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell admitted they have no Plan B if the House doesn’t avoid a government shutdown. Of course this raised a lot of questions, like: Since when did they have a Plan A?

Thursday Sep 19 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It looks like the federal government could be shutting down. The legal definition of a government shutdown is when Congress continues not to work, but they do it from home.

Pundits say President Obama is starting to lose support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.

Syrian President Assad told Fox News that if he were ever to talk to President Obama he would tell Obama to “listen to your people.” Is he the one to give advice about listening to his people? His people are shooting at him!

A Costco in Arizona is now selling a 60-year-old bottle of scotch for $17,000. You know what you can buy for $17,000 at Costco? Everything else at Costco.
Conan

Russian President Vladimir Putin said he may seek a fourth term but that’s up to the people to decide. Then he laughed for 10 minutes . . . shirtless.

Chicago has now surpassed New York City as the murder capital of the United States. That’s really surprising since New York has twice as many NFL teams.

Kevin Trudeau, the king of infomercials, has been sent to jail for fraud. The judge sentenced him to 10 years. But then he said, “Wait, there’s more,” and added another five years.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

This week the Kardashians are filming their Christmas episode. It’s a reality show, so they want to keep it real.

I know Christmas in September seems a little weird, but by the time December rolls around, Khloe is in hibernation.

A plane had to make an emergency landing in France because a dozen Scottish passengers wouldn’t stop dancing. The police have released a statement saying that alcohol may have been a factor. Now, I am Scottish. I KNOW alcohol was a factor. There is no “may” about this.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Kardashians insist their show is real and not scripted. It’s a real look at their lives. Well, Kim, Khloe, and Kris posted pictures on Instagram shooting the Kardashian Christmas episode — in September.

That’s why it is so hard to keep up with the Kardashians. They’re three months ahead of us.

As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.

A high-ranking health official in Amsterdam is taking a strong stance against sugar. He says sugar is an addictive, dangerous drug that should be regulated by the government. He wants to put warning labels on sugar. This is coming from a place where you can get pot in your Happy Meal.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The Powerball lottery was last night and somebody got a lot richer. A single winning ticket was sold in South Carolina for the $400 million grand prize. Lottery officials are urging that winner to sign the back of his ticket and then put it in a safe place. As opposed to what? Dipping it in hot sauce and eating it?

The creator of Beanie Babies has been fined $53 million for tax evasion. But, on the plus side, if he sells all of his Beanie Babies, he’ll owe . . . probably about $53 million.

Two guys in New Hampshire were arrested after they tried to rob a group of people playing Bingo. Cops became suspicious when they saw a car driving away from the Bingo hall going more than 10 miles an hour.

Source