Sunday Funnies

Tuesday Aug 20 2013

Late Show with David Letterman

Recently, in one of the New York City subway cars, they found a dead shark. Other passengers just thought he was sleeping so they didn’t say anything. The Transit authority suspects foul play.

This is bad for the city because now there’s been a huge drop in marine predator tourism. People used to laugh at me for carrying a spear gun on the subway, but who’s laughing now?

So former President George W. Bush had to go into the hospital, had a little heart surgery and he’s OK, but he blames it all on the fatty foods served by White House butler Forest Whitaker.

Doctors told him to avoid any heavy exertion, so that means no reading. He had a little touch of coronary artery disease. One of his arteries was clogged with old Al Gore ballots.

Wednesday Aug 21 2013

Late Show with David Letterman

A couple of days ago they found a great white shark dead on a subway car in New York, and today he’s chowder at Red Lobster. Yep, they found him on surveillance tape going down the stairs and through the turnstile. He seemed perfectly healthy.

A shark in the subway. This is what happens when you don’t have stop-and-frisk. The police had an autopsy done on the shark, and they found a tourist from Cincinnati. The shark was apparently in town for shark week.

So you have your regular Oreos and they have Double Stuf Oreos. Somebody measured the things, and it turns out there is not twice the amount of stuff as in the regular Oreos. No double ammonium bicarbonate, no double thiamine mononitrate, no double calcium phosphate.

Now if you are at home measuring stuff in an Oreo, you should take a long, hard look at your life. I’ll tell you something else right now, we wouldn’t have to worry about stuff like this if New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was president.

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