Posted by Wordsmith on 18 August, 2013 at 12:00 am. 3 comments already!

Friday Aug 09 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The NFL says they are going to crack down on excessive celebrations this season. The only time they will allow a celebration is when an NFL player is found “not guilty.”

LeBron James reported to jury duty in Akron, Ohio. He didn’t get picked, but when he walked into the courtroom the jury was made up of Cavalier fans who sentenced him to death.

Yesterday, President Obama met with the Greek prime minister to discuss reforming Greece’s economy. President Obama talked with the prime minister of Greece about the economy. Actually, it’s “the blind leading the blind.”

Anthony Weiner has released a 19-page booklet on how to improve life in New York City. Oh, please. If Weiner wants to improve life in New York City, he should move to New Jersey.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A movie opens today. It is called “Elysium.” It stars Matt Damon. The movie takes place in the future where a lot of things are very different, but strangely Jay Leno is still hosting “The Tonight Show.”

In the movie, earth has been overrun with crime, disease, and pollution. Basically, the entire world is Los Angeles.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The new iPhone is coming soon. The new iPhone is going to have a new feature that actually keeps track of your every movement. Then President Obama was like, “Right. NEW feature.”

Yesterday, Obama met with the prime minister of Greece at the White House. When he heard the leader of Greece was there, Biden said, “John Travolta’s here?”

Football season is right around the corner! Yep, the New England Patriots played their first exhibition game tonight, and Tim Tebow said he wasn’t sure if he would play, but Coach Belichick told him to be ready. Then he said, “To not play.”

The NFL announced that it’s going to start cracking down on players who celebrate too much after scoring a touchdown. Then the Jets were like, “Phew, good thing we don’t have to worry about THAT!”

Monday Aug 12 2013
Conan

Controversial Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez hit his first home run of the year and the season premiere of “Breaking Bad” aired. It was a big day for drug dealers.

Oprah was shopping in Switzerland and a Swiss clerk refused to show her a $38,000 purse. To prove her point, Oprah bought Switzerland.

At the Missouri State Fair, a rodeo clown put on a President Obama mask and tried to get a bull to chase him. Yeah. But it backfired because the bull sat down and said, “Let’s be fair and see what he does with his second term.”

“Star Wars” creator George Lucas and his wife just welcomed their first child. He won’t tell the child he is the father until episode five.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

It’s back-to-school season. Going back to school, especially to a new school, can be scary, but I do have some advice, and I think it’s good advice for kids. Be yourself. And if that doesn’t work, be someone cooler.

In Tennessee, a boy seven months old was at the center of a legal battle because his parents couldn’t agree on his last name. They went to court and the magistrate refused to validate the kid’s FIRST name. The parents wanted to name him Messiah. The magistrate forced them to change it to Martin. If the first name is Messiah, you’ll never find those little personalized license plates for your bike.

I think we should bring that magistrate to Hollywood and put her in charge of celebrity baby names because they’re not even giving their kids names anymore. They’re giving them nouns. You go to any playground in L.A., yell the word “river,” and 10 kids will come running.

Tuesday Aug 13 2013
Conan

North Korea has announced that it’s developing its own smartphone. Unfortunately, the phones are so smart, they’ve already escaped from North Korea.

Scientists have found a new link between high blood sugar and dementia. Which explains Cinnabon’s new slogan, “The last bite you’ll remember.”

There’s a new cable channel of entirely dog-based programing called Dog TV. In a related story, there’s also an entirely cat-based channel called YouTube.

A hotel in New York now offers a plastic surgery recovery package. Basically it’s a place for people to relax after they’ve seen Bruce Jenner up close.

Wednesday Aug 14 2013
Conan

The mayor of San Diego has been accused of sexually harassing 14 women. Now a Hooters in San Diego has put up a sign saying they won’t serve Mayor Bob Filner because he disrespects women. A spokesperson for Hooters said we don’t want him as a customer, but would love him as a manager.

A new study came out that found the very worst drivers drive a Prius. Apparently, it’s very difficult to drive while patting yourself on the back.

The makers of drones want the media to stop calling their unmanned aircrafts ‘drones.’ They don’t like the name drones. The manufacturers said, we prefer the term ‘surprise visitor.’

According to a new study, most men would like women to occasionally pick up the check. The study also found most women would occasionally like to be paid as much as men for doing the same job.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Justin Bieber did something nice yesterday and he wants to make sure you know about it. He was driving through L.A. and happened upon a woman who asked him for money. So he stopped and handed her money and posted a picture of himself on Instagram. Always give back: a good message. Maybe we can give him back to Canada.

And in North Korea, they developed the first-ever smartphone, just like an iPhone. But if you ask Siri any questions, she reports you to the police.

It is widely believed these phones were secretly built in China and shipped to North Korea. It’s hard to believe they built a smartphone, because wi-fi and cellphone data plans are illegal there. You can’t even have friends and family in North Korea.

Some park rangers in California found a plot on which someone grew 500,000 pounds of marijuana. They assume this pot was grown by humans, but I wouldn’t rule out bears. Think about it: They sleep three months a year, all you ever see them doing is rummaging through the trash trying to find food, and their leader’s name is Smokey.

Thursday Aug 15 2013
Conan

Mayor Filner of San Diego has had 14 women come forward alleging that he sexually harassed them. In San Diego, Hooters restaurants are refusing to serve Filner because they say he’s disrespectful to women in his office. The CEO said there’s a time and a place to be disrespect to women and that’s at a Hooters.

According to a new report, Tulsa, Oklahoma, has the lowest rent in the country. Yeah, nice try Tulsa, but we’re still not moving there.

The NFL is considering hiring a mother of three to be a referee. They wanted someone who’s used to giving time-outs.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

We had quite a night last night. Oprah Winfrey was here. Are you familiar with her work?

Oprah swooped down from heaven last night, and there was a rainbow over the theater. Have you ever seen a rainbow at night?

We have music tonight from Big Sean. You know, before you do rap, they make you decide if you’re big or little.

Why is it that rappers are always big or little? Any of them ever come in medium?


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