Posted by Wordsmith on 28 July, 2013 at 7:26 am. 7 comments already!


Friday Jul 19 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The son of Jerry Sandusky, the Penn State pedophile, has filed papers to have his last name legally changed. You can’t blame him. The weird thing is he’s changing it to “Zimmerman.”

According to an English newspaper, a mystery fan has been leaking the results of professional wrestling matches before they even begin. He knows who is going to win and he puts it online. That Edward Snowden has gone too far!

Is that really a big deal, knowing ahead of time who’s going to lose? I mean, Cubs fans have been dealing with that for years.

Researchers in New Mexico say that brain scans of prison inmates can predict whether they will commit another crime. You know another good way to predict? They’re already in prison.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

About 135,000 people have descended on San Diego for Comic-Con. I think Comic-Con might have jumped the shark. I’ll tell you why — because I’m going. It’s like Sundance Film Festival. I remember when Sundance was cool, all about independent film and serious art. Now it’s a place where Paris Hilton goes to party.

I am the Paris Hilton of Comic-Con. If I’m going, it is no longer relevant. Now all I need is a little dog and a sex tape. I’m kidding. I’ve already got them.

The reason I’m going to Comic-Con is I’m moderating the “Doctor Who” panel. I’ve been watching “Doctor Who” since the 1960s. But there’ll be people at Comic-Con who know a lot more than I do. If I don’t know the title of a particular episode, or if I mispronounce the name of an alien planet, I will be shamed like Paula Deen at the BET awards.

A lot of guys go to Comic-Con dressed as super heroes. Comic-Con is a great place to go if you want to see what all your favorite super heroes would look like if they stopped working out and ate only ice cream.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The temperature got up to a 100 here in New York City. And now doctors are warning people about something called “heat rage.” It’s a real thing, where people to overreact when it gets too hot. It’s similar to those other conditions in New York: cold rage, lukewarm rage, and just regular old rage.

A woman in Pennsylvania was just in the news for giving birth to a baby that weighs 13 pounds, 12 ounces and is more than two feet long. You could tell it was big because when it was time to go home, the baby said, “You want me to drive?”

KFC is coming out with a more upscale restaurant that won’t feature any pictures of Colonel Sanders. Because if anything is gonna make KFC more fancy, it’s taking out the only person in the restaurant dressed like a gentleman.

A new report says that Audis are more likely to be driven by men who cheat on their wives. While their wives are more likely to wind up with that Audi.

Monday Jul 22 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

I’m sure you all heard the news about the royal baby. William and Kate are the proud parents of a baby boy. Can you believe the media coverage? You’d think it was Kim Kardashian and Kanye West having a kid.

They kept saying on the news, “the royal couple welcomes a baby boy.” Well, I hope so. Do people sometimes give a kid the cold shoulder?

I understand there’s a lot of celebrating going on at Buckingham Palace right now. I just hope they’re able to get up for work tomorrow.

Detroit has become the largest city in U.S. history to file for bankruptcy. What happened was Detroit’s population dropped something like 70 percent, but the government got bigger. The tax base got smaller, but the government got bigger. Thank God that kind of thing could never happen in Washington.


The royal baby was born today. But don’t worry, America, we still have Honey Boo Boo.

Bookies say the odds are 11-2 that the royal baby will be named George, after his great-great-grandfather, King George VI. And the odds are 100-1 he’ll be named George after the George Foreman Grill.

Kate Middleton had her baby. The royal baby is eight pounds. Then again, you can’t really put a price on a child.

I was going to go to Comic-Con, but I was stopped by security for possession of a wife and a job.

Late Show with David Letterman

I’m Dave Letterman, or as the staff likes to call me, “the royal baby.”

Congratulations to Kate Middleton and Prince William. They’re the proud parents of a brand-new baby boy. This really is big news — I mean, if the year was 1250 then it would be big news.

They named the boy Festus.

The baby will be third in line to the pretend crown.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s a great day for our friends in the U.K. There’s a new royal baby. The royal family is delighted. Prince Harry popped some champagne and danced naked around the palace. Then he heard about the baby.

The prince said what any proud family member would say: “Back of the line, junior.”

There were very few people in the room for the birth. Prince William, the father, was there. Kate Middleton’s mother was there, and Neil Patrick Harris — I believe he was there. He does the Emmys, the Tonys, the royal birth. And you know what, he makes it better. Normally I don’t enjoy these things but when Neil does it, it’s entertaining.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It finally happened. Kate Middleton gave birth to a baby boy today. The baby weighed about eight pounds. Americans were like, “How much is that in dollars?”

Kate Middleton went into labor this morning in London. When the rest of the royal family heard, they were like, “Oh my God. What’s labor?”

We have former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer on the show tonight. He’ll be here only for about five minutes, but we’re charging him for the full hour.

Eliot Spitzer is on the show. When he got here, I said, “Do you need someone to escort, er, show you to your dressing room?”

Tuesday Jul 23 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The royal baby has left the hospital. He will now go to one of the royal estates, where he will rest comfortably — for the next 80 years.

This royal baby is third in line for the throne. To which Prince Charles said, “It’s a really slow-moving line.”

William and Kate spent the morning thanking the hospital staff for all their care. And the other patients spent the morning trying to find the hospital staff. “My wife is having a baby too. Hello! Anybody?”

According to a new study, lying gets easier over time. People get better at lying the more they do it. See, that’s why you have to have term limits.


The royal baby has been born. The royal baby was officially welcomed with a 62-gun salute. Because if there’s one thing babies love, it’s the sound of repeated artillery fire.

Experts are predicting that the royal baby could pump $380 million into the British economy. So the question is: How do we get this kid to move to Detroit?

The royal baby is set to inherit $1 billion. In fact, he’s so rich that he’s already dating a girl half his age.

President Obama has issued a statement about the royal baby. He told him to hang on to the birth certificate. Those things come in handy.

Late Show with David Letterman

Britain’s new prince is third in line to the throne. And listen to this — my son is third in line for “The Late Show.”

The young couple, William and Kate, would like it if we all would have consideration and respect for their privacy. Well, they’re off to a good start, aren’t they?

Buckingham Palace announced the child’s gender. I wish they’d do the same with Camilla.

NASA released pictures of earth taken from 900 miles away. From 900 miles away, you can make out the Great Wall of China. In Newark, you can make out the governor of New Jersey.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today we got our first look at the royal baby. Hurray for Kate and William. That little guy has only the tiniest tuft of hair on his head. And the baby’s got some hair too.

The crowd outside the hospital was very respectful. You could actually hear the baby say, “Fetch me some milk” and “I will be king, Father.”

Mayoral candidate Anthony Wiener had more photographs released from his sexting scandal. New Yorkers were so shocked that Eliot Spitzer fell off his hooker.

New Yorkers were so shocked that the thing on Trump’s head fainted.

Wednesday Jul 24 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Before we begin the show, I want to ask everyone to turn off their cellphones. It has nothing to do with our program. We just want to protect you from Anthony Weiner. He may try to send you a text.

Anthony Weiner has been caught in yet another sexting scandal. At the beginning of this campaign he said that other texts and photos were likely to come out. Well, they have. Finally, a politician who keeps his promises!

Anthony Weiner said yesterday that he wants closure. If he wants closure he should start with his zipper.

The Obama administration has admitted that under Obamacare, you might not be able to keep your doctor. At first the president guaranteed you’d be able to keep your doctor, and now they’re saying you “might” be able to. Today Obama changed his slogan from “Yes we can” to “Perhaps we could try. Can’t promise anything.”


Taylor Swift canceled a radio contest to meet her biggest fan when it turned out her biggest fan was a man nearly twice her age. Nothing’s working out for Anthony Weiner these days.

The royal baby finally has a name. It took a few days but they named him Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge. The parents said they wanted a name that reflects his country’s great history and gets him beaten up at school every day.

Queen Elizabeth met the royal baby yesterday. The baby cried, so Queen Elizabeth explained, “You’ll never have to work a day in your life.”

Yesterday a pro football player for the Tennessee Titans saved a family from a burning car. Then, because he’s an NFL player, he murdered them.

Late Show with David Letterman

The show tonight may run a little longer than usual, and I’ll tell you why. We have about 300 Anthony Weiner jokes to get through.

Let me just say this: You know that your campaign is not going well when you open a press conference by saying “I told you there would be more lewd photos.”

Weiner says he won’t drop out of the race so that means by day he’ll be Mr. Mayor, and by night he’ll be “Carlos Danger, Gaucho of Love.”

Carlos Danger — isn’t that the guy from the Dos Equis commercials?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as “Boy George.”

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, “They still have a van?”

These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The past 24 hours have been so exciting for my wife and I, and we haven’t had a chance to respond to everyone’s calls and messages, but let me just say, “Yes, William and Kate, we’ll definitely set up a play date.”

Everybody is still talking about the other baby, the royal baby. In fact, I saw that President Obama released a statement congratulating Prince William and Kate Middleton on the birth of their son. Then he said, “And whatever you do — hang on to that birth certificate.”

There’s a new Anthony Weiner scandal. Weiner is running for mayor of New York City. He confirmed yesterday that some new sexually explicit messages have been leaked. He sent them to a woman on Facebook using the code name “Carlos Danger.” Which is still easier to believe than that other name: Mayor Weiner.

It was revealed that Anthony Weiner sent nude pictures of himself to this woman using a “Carlos Danger” Yahoo email address. His wife was shocked. She said, “You still use Yahoo?”

Thursday Jul 25 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

I have been learning more about this NSA spying scandal. What are the odds that the only person they weren’t monitoring was Anthony Weiner?

Two years ago when Weiner resigned, he said more embarrassing pictures may come out in the future. Do you know how he knew that? Because he went home after that and started texting them. That’s how he knew.

The Vatican announced that the late Pope John Paul II will become a saint after they approve a miracle where he cured a woman of severe brain injury, which is pretty impressive. Not as impressive, though, as the miracle of Anthony Weiner still being married, but that’s impressive.

In his speech earlier this week in Latin America, the Pope told the people to give up the false idols of success and money. That’s the same thing NBC told me.


It’s been reported that LeBron James will no longer play Olympic basketball for the United States. LeBron said he won’t play for any country that has less money than he does.

The NFL wants to test its players for human growth hormone but the players are opposed. Players say there’s a time and place for blood tests and that’s at their murder trials.

In Pakistan there’s a new TV show about a female superhero. Her super powers include flying, X-ray vision, and going to college.

A man in India is claiming to be the oldest man on earth at 141 years old. Larry King said, “I always liked that kid.”

Late Show with David Letterman

A tourist came up to me today and she says, “I watch your show on and off.” And I said, “How do you like it?” And she said, “Off.”

Regis Philbin is here today. Regis has a brand-new show on Fox Sports. Regis is working his way up to Telemundo.

The last time Regis was here, during our chat his beeper went off letting him know they had found a donor.

Anthony Weiner has been on the Internet having obscene chats, and he uses the name Carlos Danger. When Donald Trump heard about it, Trump demanded to see Carlos Danger’s birth certificate.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Another tough day for New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner. Or as we know him now, “Carlos Danger.” I’m no prude, but I think texting obscene pictures crosses the line. Even Geraldo Rivera was like, “Dude, put some clothes on.”

I’m conflicted about Anthony Weiner. On one hand, after the pain he caused his family I think he should drop out of the race. On the other hand, his staying makes my job even easier.

At least one case of bubonic plague has been confirmed here in L.A. It was a squirrel. I hope the plague doesn’t spread. If it wipes out squirrels across the country, what’s Honey Boo Boo going to have for dinner?

What would happen if bubonic plague came to L.A.? People could be turning ungodly shades of purple. Suffering in the streets. An utter disregard for human life. And then the plague would hit.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama gave a big speech yesterday on the economy. It was actually longer than his last State of the Union address — though it should be noted that he opened with 20 minutes of Anthony Weiner jokes.

Taco Bell announced that it will discontinue its line of kids’ meals because of low sales. You know your food’s bad when even little kids say, “I’m not putting that in my mouth.”

A new study found that kids have better relationships with their parents if they’re friends with them on Facebook. That’s good because if you’re a kid who’s friends with your parents on Facebook, chances are you’re not really friends with anyone else.

Rocky is back. Again. Yeah, 67-year-old Sylvester Stallone is getting ready to star in a seventh “Rocky” movie. You can tell he’s getting up there because instead of running up those famous stairs, now Rocky just takes the elevator.


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