Posted by Wordsmith on 28 April, 2013 at 12:00 am. 3 comments already!



Friday Apr 19 2013

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

You know what happened this week in New Zealand? They legalized gay marriage. It was a historic week for gay hobbits. This means Bilbo can finally marry Gandalf.

There is a big movie opening today. One of them science fiction epics. It’s called “Oblivion” and stars Tom Cruise. Tom is an intergalactic soldier who spends his days fighting aliens. I have no idea what he plays in the movie.

I think “Oblivion” is going to be a return to form for Tom Cruise. Because he hasn’t been in a big-budget fantasy project like this since . . . his marriage.

It is hard to believe that Tom Cruise is 49 years old. He’s the same age Wilford Brimley was when he played an old guy in “Cocoon.”

“Oblivion” takes place in the year 2077. Humans have abandoned earth. But strangely, Jay Leno is still hosting “The Tonight Show.”

Monday Apr 22 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

We were going to have Reese Witherspoon on the show tonight but she’s been booked elsewhere.

Oscar-winner Reese Witherspoon got arrested for disorderly conduct after she gave police a hard time for arresting her husband for DUI. She admitted that she had been drinking. She kept saying to the cop, “Do you know who I am?” Of course the cops put two and two together: actress, drunk . . . Lindsay Lohan?

Today is also Earth Day; NBC put green light bulbs in because it’s Earth Day. What a tremendous contribution they’ve made to Earth Day.

Scientists have discovered that the feeling that you’re being watched is hardwired into our brains. In fact, the only people who don’t have the feeling of being watched are on prime time here at NBC.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s Earth Day, and because of Earth Day tonight it’s all recycled material.

Not only that, but we’re also using a solar-powered applause sign.

A new study says people who are entertainers die younger. Yeah, let me tell you something — you try working one hour a day.

On the other hand, you have a guy like Regis Philbin who is almost 90, but technically not an entertainer.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too.

It’s Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They’re endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you’re on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading.

In honor of Earth Day, tonight’s program will be made up of 100 percent recycled jokes.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Happy Earth Day. Did you know there are Earth Day greeting cards? There is no better way to celebrate Earth Day than chopping down trees to make cards.

Reese Witherspoon got into trouble. She was arrested for disorderly conduct. She asked the cop, “Do you know my name?” Does that ever work? The answer is either “No,” which is embarrassing or it’s “Yes, I do, and you’re going to jail.”

Reese released a statement saying she is deeply embarrassed and clearly had one drink too many. But that’s Earth Day for you. People just get hammered.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries have finalized their divorce, and they did it two weeks before they were scheduled to go to trial. Even their divorce ended before it really started.

Kim said it’s nice to finally not be married after over a year of sort of not being married.

NBC has canceled its reality dating show “Ready for Love” after just three episodes. Other NBC shows were like, “They made it to three episodes? What’s their secret?”

Viewers complained the show was complicated and confusing — marking the first time a dating show has been canceled for being exactly like dating.

Tuesday Apr 23 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

U.S. intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of Kim Jong Un. They say he’s a narcissist, and he is obsessed with Hollywood, obsessed with plastic surgery, and obsessed with the NBA. It’s a condition we know as “Kardashianism.”

Oscar-winner Reese Witherspoon was arrested for disorderly conduct when she interfered with a police officer’s DUI arrest of her husband. Reese admitted she had also been drinking. Apparently she told the officer she once played Johnny Cash’s wife, June Carter. But they didn’t believe her — because she couldn’t “walk the line.”

NBC sportscaster Al Michaels got arrested over the weekend for DUI. His blood alcohol level was .08. And of course, NBC was ecstatic. .08 is the highest number anybody on this network has gotten in years.

NBC announced this week that we are going green to promote new ways to save our planet. Save our planet? We can’t even save our prime-time lineup!

Late Show with David Letterman

Yesterday was Earth Day, and you know what I found here on the 14th floor? — an old-fashioned coal-powered typewriter. I’m so embarrassed.

Computer hackers hacked into The Associated Press Twitter account and they faked reports about an attack on the White House. And I thought, “Wait a minute, the real news isn’t bad enough? Now we’re making up bad news?”

According to new poll information, Americans now think very strongly positive about George W. Bush. By God, maybe there’s hope for me!

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It’s like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today France legalized same-sex marriage. The next step is legalizing same-sex mistresses.

Today is William Shakespeare’s birthday. He would have been 449 years old, or as CBS calls it, “our demographic.”

Who else is celebrating a birthday? George Lopez. Shakespeare and George Lopez are very different. One’s a genius whose timeless observations on the human condition can bring tears to the eyes, and the other one’s Shakespeare.

We’d better go to commercials now. That’s what Shakespeare would have wanted on his birthday.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There is talk that Apple CEO Tim Cook might get fired because of the company’s bad performance in the stock market. You can tell Tim Cook is trying to keep his job because he was like, “Have you tried turning the company off and back on again?”

The miniseries “The Bible” was a big hit. Now it’s being cut down to three hours so that it can be released in theaters. And apparently theaters will be able to feed an entire audience with just one bucket of popcorn.

A company in California has started selling a new cologne that smells like whiskey. I think my dad’s been wearing that cologne for 40 years.

A woman in Florida crashed her car into a Target store. But in her defense, the store did have a giant target on it.

Wednesday Apr 24 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

All five living presidents will gather for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama says he hopes he can pick up some ideas for when he builds his. It’s going to be called the “Blame George W. Bush Presidential Library.”

In observance of Earth Week, NBC currently is running its entire prime-time line-up completely into the ground.

A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women’s facial expressions. The main reason? They are not usually looking at her face.

Basketball great Dwight Howard, who reportedly has four children from four different mothers, is expecting a fifth child with a fifth woman. Dwight’s going to be a father again — as opposed to the rest of the Lakers, who are mostly grandfathers.

Late Show with David Letterman

I’m Dave Letterman, and I am living proof there is no background check for talk-show hosts.

You’re probably saying to yourselves, “What big American pointless cultural event is coming up in a couple of days?” The NFL Draft, of course. I liked it when the NFL was all volunteer.

Remember the kid from Notre Dame who had the imaginary girlfriend, Manti Te’o. They are saying he will be taken in the first round of the NFL Draft. We heard that from his imaginary agent.

The New York Jets say they will take the best athlete possible in the draft. They’re going to take the best athlete available. It’s the same strategy the Kardashian sisters use.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

You know what the worst job in America is? It’s newspaper reporter. I guess the pollsters forgot to ask the guy who cleans the toilets at Dodger Stadium how things are going for him.

It was dubbed the worst job because it’s high stress, low pay, and often requires working in dangerous conditions. This must have been a fun story for the newspaper reporters to report. “Hey guys, guess what? Our lives stink.“

According to a study, the best job in America is actuary — primarily because no one knows what an actuary is. So they don’t have to do much.

The Internet celebrated a major milestone yesterday. It’s the eighth anniversary of the very first video uploaded to YouTube. YouTube was founded in 2005 by a small group of visionaries who asked the question, “What if nobody in America ever got anything done ever again?”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Microsoft founder Bill Gates is in a little trouble today. Apparently people in South Korea are mad at him for giving a one-handed handshake to the country’s president, which over there is a sign of disrespect. And in hindsight, the hand buzzer wasn’t a great choice either.

South Koreans are really upset about this, but Gates says it’s just a miscommunication — while Americans say it’s payback for “Gangnam Style.”

A new report found that the worst job in the U.S. is being a newspaper reporter. They say it’s better for writers to just focus on fiction and become a CNN reporter.

A new study found that the way someone sneezes can say a lot about a person. For example, if they hold their sneeze in, they’re humble. If they cover it, they’re respectful. And if they just sneeze into the air, they’re standing next to you on the subway.

Thursday Apr 25 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

All five living presidents were in Dallas today for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama said he was happy to support the opening of the library. He should be. After all, Bush got him elected twice. Blame Bush on that one, sir!

In President Bush’s high school yearbook, he was voted least likely to have a library named after him.

According to a new study, L.A. has the worst traffic in the United States. In fact, traffic is so bad in L.A. that SUV now stands for “stationary utility vehicle.”

The NFL draft was today, which is a huge deal. This is the time when college football players go from being paid under the table to being paid OVER the table.

Late Show with David Letterman

It was so sunny today that Reese Witherspoon came out of the police station squinting.

Today is Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day. I brought in my kids: Tina, Nancy, and Frank, Jr.

Actually, my son Harry came with me to work today. It was great. He fired a writer.

And then my son told me he wished my name was Jimmy.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The $100 bill is getting redesigned for the first time since 1996. It has new security features that will make it harder to counterfeit. And this is kind of amazing: Benjamin Franklin’s hair is real. You can comb it and everything.

NBC has plans for a new game show called “The Million Second Quiz” in which contestants will answer trivia questions 24 hours a day for 12 days straight. Does NBC really expect us to pay attention to something that lasts a million seconds? I can barely get through a 45-second cat video on YouTube.

Tonight is the first round of the NFL Draft. What’s most entertaining is their names. The number one NFL Draft name for 2013 is Barkevious Mingo. It sounds like a character from “Game of Thrones.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new iPhone app that tells women where they can buy Michelle Obama’s clothes. Not only that — there’s another app that tells men where they can buy Hillary Clinton’s clothes.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was in Texas today for the dedication of George W. Bush’s presidential library. The library is already done, but they brought in Christie for a second ground breaking.

The stars of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” have a new project in the works. Yeah, they say they’re working on a family cookbook. Which sounds good until you find out that the first recipe is just going to McDonald’s.


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