Posted by Wordsmith on 27 January, 2013 at 8:42 am. 4 comments already!

Friday Jan 18 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

I just hope that this one painful online experience doesn’t cause Manti Te’o to give up on all imaginary girlfriends.

Now people are saying that Manti knew it was a hoax way back in early December. He’s gone from being the “Fightin’ Irish” to the “Lyin’ Hawaiian.”

According to a new study, seniors are the most frequent binge drinkers — followed closely by juniors, sophomores, and freshmen.

Kim Kardashian said today that in a perfect world she would love being divorced from Kris Humphries before having Kayne’s baby. On the other hand, in a perfect world no one would know who she is.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Did you see Oprah’s Lance Armstrong interview? Well, a lot of people are saying that Lance said all the right things in the interview, but he seemed to lack emotion. It’s almost like he needed a little something for more energy.

After their interview, Oprah said that Lance Armstrong was honest and contrite about his doping. “Yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Manti Te’o.

Yesterday Joe Biden defended the White House’s gun-control initiative by saying that he actually has two guns himself. Then Biden was like, “And I never leave home without ’em.”

Hey, this week was the season premiere of “American Idol.” And this year people are able to nominate their talented friends who don’t want to audition. Yeah, making someone try out for something they don’t really want — or as Republicans call that, “the Romney plan.”

Tuesday Jan 22 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

On the news they made a big deal out of the fact that four years ago there were twice as many people at President Obama’s first inauguration than there was at this one. That’s because four years ago, twice as many people could afford to stay in hotels.

Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.

The CEO of Whole Foods is criticizing Obamacare, once again calling it fascism. He did this before when he called it socialism. And he said the problem with socialism is eventually you run out of other people’s money. As opposed to shopping at Whole Foods, where you eventually run out of your own money.

The post office may sue Lance Armstrong for all of the money they spent sponsoring his team. In fact, after all these lawsuits, they say that Lance Armstrong could end up as broke as the post office.


At the inaugural ball, President Obama was caught doing some very stiff and awkward dance moves. In other words, Obama is already reaching out to Republicans.

Video game-maker Atari has filed for bankruptcy. Atari fans are so upset they’re organizing a massive letter-writing campaign to President Reagan.

For 49 cents McDonald’s is giving customers the option to add bacon to any order. Not to be outdone, Olive Garden announced that for 50 cents they will add Italian food to any order.

Lindsay Lohan has turned down an offer to appear on “Dancing With the Stars.” Lohan said, “If I want to see the stars, I’ll crash into a telephone pole.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

More than a million people gathered in our nation’s capital yesterday, and tens of millions more watched from home to celebrate the first lady’s new haircut.

Most people seem to like the hair style, though some Republicans are demanding further cuts. But bangs aren’t easy to pull off. As far as I know, the only other women who have done it successfully this decade are Jessica Biel and Justin Bieber.

The president gave a brief but powerful speech. He did not shy away from the many challenges he faces: a massive federal deficit, a conservative majority in the House, an aging population, runaway entitlements, humongous ears.

Wednesday Jan 23 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Joe Biden made another one of his famous gaffes on camera Monday, saying he was proud to be president of the United States. I guess he forgot he wasn’t at home standing in front of the bathroom mirror.

In his inaugural address, President Obama praised the patriots of 1776, and said they were much better than the Patriots of last Sunday.

There’s been a lot of criticism over the NFL for not hiring enough minority coaches. And, of course, the NFL is trying to spin it. They said, “What are you talking about? We got two brothers coaching the Super Bowl.”

According to a new study out of the University of Wisconsin, as much as 81 percent of people lie on online dating websites. To which Notre Dame’s Manti Te’o said, “Now you tell me!”


Steven Tyler defended Beyoncé after she lip-synced at President Obama’s inauguration. That’s right. Steven said, “I know how she feels. I did the same thing at Harry Truman’s inauguration.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger signed on to a brand-new “Terminator” film. Now, due to his age, this one features the catchphrase, “I’ll be back, right after ‘Wheel of Fortune.'”

In Japan a senior official is in trouble for saying in order to save money, elderly people should, quote, “Hurry up and die.” Of course, if he loses his jobs, he has a bright future writing Mother’s Day cards.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Make sure to watch this show tomorrow night, because for the first time in 10 years, Matt Damon will be my guest. You may know Matt as the least-talented member of the cast of “Ocean’s 11.”

We had a hard time squeezing him into the show since 1993, but tomorrow night it happens. The Garfunkel to Ben Affleck’s Simon, Matt Damon will be here.

Justin Bieber just surpassed Lady Gaga as the most followed person on Twitter. Justin now has 33,410,000 — 28,000 more than Lady Gaga. If you want to confuse your grandfather, wake him up right now and scream, “Bieber beat Gaga on Twitter!” He’ll think you’re possessed.

Justin Bieber reminds me a lot of myself at that age except instead of 33 million followers, it was two followers. Instead of Twitter followers, it was employees of a comic book store following me to make sure I didn’t steal anything.

Thursday Jan 24 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

A scary moment at John Kerry’s secretary of state confirmation hearing. One of the senators had taken his Ambien the night before and combined with the stuffy room and Kerry’s boring speech, he slipped a coma.

Yesterday House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama’s focus is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do the Republicans look like they need help from President Obama?

Manti Te’o sat down for an interview with Katie Couric today. Katie asked him at what point did he know something was amiss? My guess is when he found that she wasn’t a miss.

The Lakers are so bad that the only ring Kobe Bryant is going to see this year is if he goes to see “The Hobbit.”


Apple has reported a drop in profits this quarter, a big drop. Experts warned that Apple could run out of money — 600 years from now.

The Pentagon has allowed women to serve in combat. Yeah, the hope is that we can now finally defeat the Taliban by giving them the silent treatment.

North Korea said it will test a rocket that they hope will hit the United States. In other words, watch your back, middle of the Pacific Ocean.

The New Orleans Hornets have announced plans to change their name to the New Orleans Pelicans. Meanwhile, the Lakers want to change their name to the Clippers.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

I am your host, Matt Damon. Hey, just for starters, let me ask you guys this. As an audience, is it weird to see a person with actual talent host this show?

I’m very excited to be here. Jimmy has bumped me from his show 1,205 times. For 10 years, every night I wait in that green room. And every night, Kimmel says, “Apologies to Matt Damon, we ran out of time.” So I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long, long time.

Jimmy Kimmel is to late-night talk show hosts what Magic Johnson is to late-night talk show hosts.

Hey Jimmy, did you hear the joke about Lindsay Lohan? Because I have — 1,205 times.

You might be wondering what makes me qualified to fill in tonight. I think I can do this. How hard can it be to read from cue cards anyway?



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