Sunday Funnies

Oct. 18-20, 2012

“A new Gallup poll shows that Mitt Romney now has a 7 point lead on President Obama. That's right, Romney leads by 7 points among people who still answer landline calls from a blocked number.” –Seth Meyers

“Both Republicans and Democrats are saying that Latino voters will decide who wins in three key states, Colorado, Florida and Nevada. Or as the candidates are now calling them Colorado, Florida y Nevada.” –Seth Meyers

“Reality TV star Honey Boo Boo this week endorsed President Obama during an appearance on the Jimmy Kimmel Show. I knew Obama was pro-birth control, but I didn't know birth control was pro-Obama.” –Seth Meyers

“Gallup had Romney ahead today by 7 points nationally. Big Bird was depressed, he was just pecking at his food.” –Bill Maher

“This week's debate format was a little different. First of all, there were two debaters.” –Bill Maher on the second presidential debate

“Endorsements are rolling in. The Atheist Party has endorsed Obama for president. When told the news Obama said, 'Thank God.'” –Conan O'Brien

Oct. 22, 2012

“Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney hold their final debate in Boca Raton, Florida. The topic of the debate is what is more shocking to see in Boca Raton, a Mormon or a black guy.” –Conan O'Brien

“Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney debate foreign policy. Pundits say it will be close, but it will probably go to the candidate who wore the 'I killed Osama bin Laden' T-shirt.” –Conan O'Brien

“Donald Trump says he will reveal big news about President Obama on Wednesday. Trump said he would have announced it sooner, but faking a Kenyan birth certificate is harder than it looks.” –Conan O'Brien

“The final presidential debate was held tonight in Boca Raton, Florida, and was moderated by 75-year-old Bob Schieffer from CBS News. That’s right, 75 years old – or as Florida residents call that, 'a tween.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said he has a “very big” announcement about President Obama that could cost him the election. Yeah, he’s going to endorse him.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump has a big announcement regarding President Obama. Apparently he has evidence that Obama was born in 'Romnesia.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Pundits are saying Mitt Romney won the first debate, and the second debate probably was won by President Obama. Whoever wins the third debate, held tonight, will meet the Tigers in the World Series.” –David Letterman

“Latest polls among registered voters show six percent are undecided. Pick one, come on! Those are the guys you see in the Baskin-Robbins asking for free samples.” –David Letterman

“Tonight was the third and final presidential debate. The good news? Tonight was the third and final presidential debate.” –Jay Leno

“The debates made it to three episodes. That makes it NBC's most successful show so far this season.” –Jay Leno

“Today is the last presidential debate. It was moderated by newsman Bob Schieffer. I think he did a great job, but gave too much time to 'candidate you disagree with,' and he didn't let 'the guy who should be president' respond to those 'outrageous lies or important points, depending on your point of view.'” –Craig Ferguson

“Tonight is the third and final presidential debate between former Governor Mitt Romney and future former President Barack Obama. Now I'm TiVoing it, so nobody tell me whether the moderate or conservative Romney kicked the lethargic or energetic Obama's ass.” –Stephen Colbert

“Democratic self-loathing has gotten so bad, they’ve changed their symbol …

Oct. 23, 2012

“Did you see the debate last night? It was the same stuff, but here's what was different. In the first debate they were at podiums. The second debate, it was stools. Last night, chairs and desks. The next debate – yoga mats.” –David Letterman

“Last night the debate was all about the undecideds, but here's what happened. The undecideds decided not to watch.” –David Letterman

“After the debate last night, experts agreed that President Obama won on substance and I thought: Well, big deal, Lance Armstrong won on several substances.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney is so rich he hired extra housekeepers just to launder his money.” –David Letterman

“Donald Trump announced that he will announce something big tomorrow, some very big news about President Obama. So it must be big news because it isn't like him to make a big deal out of something that isn't news.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is promising an October surprise tomorrow. Typically that's a shocking news story that can change the outcome of an election. At this point I don't know what information Trump could have. Will he reveal that Obama is the guy that has been styling his hair for the last 20 years? That could be bad for Obama.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Obama and Romney aren't the only people running for president. A number of other candidates faced off in a debate tonight in Chicago moderated by Larry King, who was the only person anyone knew on the stage.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night's debate was held in Boca Raton, Florida. Romney actually has a three-point lead among Florida voters. Of course, he still faces a major obstacle — making sure those voters are still alive for the election.” –Jimmy Fallon

“During last night's debate, moderator Bob Schieffer mistakenly referred to Osama bin Laden as 'Obama bin Laden.' Everyone at CBS news was really embarrassed, while Fox News was like, 'We'll take him!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“As part of a new 'transparency series,' McDonald's is releasing videos that show how its food is made. It involves horses and bayonets.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Did you all watch the debate last night? I have to admit, I was one of those undecideds. I couldn't decide whether to watch the baseball game or the football game.” –Jay Leno

“Last night President Obama finally found a Republican who agreed with him — Mitt Romney.” –Jay Leno

“One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it's President Obama.” –Jay Leno

“That was some debate last night. At one point moderator Bob Schieffer said 'Obama bin Laden.' It was right before he called Romney 'Adolf Mittler.'” –Jay Leno

“During last night's debate, President Obama told Mitt Romney, 'The 1980s called and they want their foreign policy back.' Romney tried to deliver a comeback but then his beeper went off.” –Jay Leno

“A lot of crazy rumors are starting to surface about the two candidates. A man is claiming that President Obama used and sold cocaine in college. On the bright side, if this is true, it means Obama does have business experience.” –Jay Leno

“Today a poll found that President Obama won last night's debate among a voting block known as 'Walmart moms.' And Mitt Romney won the debate according to a voting block that wouldn't be caught dead at Walmart.” –Jay Leno

Oct. 24, 2012

Jay Leno to Obama: “What's this thing with Trump and you? It's like me and Letterman. I don't get it.”
Obama: “This all dates back to when we were growing up together in Kenya.” (Watch the video)

“We are very excited to have the president of the United States on the show tonight. As you know, he only does these shows maybe once or twice a week.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, do you know why the president is here tonight? Do you know the real reason? To talk to NBC about canceling 'The Apprentice.'” –Jay Leno

“Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety. Those are the eight states.” –Jay Leno

“Even though he's spending all day on Air Force One, there's an office on the plane where the president can work. It's just like being in Washington. He's got the desk, he's got the computer, and he even has a closet that has a group of Republicans who pop out and block anything he tries to do.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump said he'd give $5 million to charity if President Obama released his college transcripts. Obama responded by sending trump a full transcript from his alma mater, the University of Shove It Up Your Ass.” –Conan O'Brien

“Do you know who is endorsing Mitt Romney? Lindsay Lohan. It may seem silly to you but not to the Romney campaign. They're very excited. They said they have a chance now to get the shoplifter vote.” –David Letterman

“Earlier today, vice-presidential hopeful Paul Ryan gave a major policy address on poverty. We're still not sure whether he's for it or against it, but he was talking about poverty.” –David Letterman

“The first lady will be a guest on our show tomorrow. She'll be here to promote her new reality show, 'America's Next Top Lady.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I'm excited to get a chance to interview the first lady and excited about partying with her Secret Service agents after the show.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A new poll found that 59 percent of Americans would rather eat a burger with President Obama while only 41 percent would eat one with Mitt Romney. While most Americans don't care who they're with, as long as they get that burger. ” –Jimmy Fallon

Source

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