Posted by Wordsmith on 17 June, 2012 at 8:07 am. 5 comments already!


June 7, 2012

“President Obama's campaign is spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial hitting Mitt Romney's business record. Though Obama’s made some bad business moves too — like spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Former GOP candidate Rick Santorum said he’s planning to make a big announcement tomorrow. It’ll probably be something really huge like, 'Hello shoppers, we’ve got a 2-for-1 sale on Tide in aisle five!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“The founder of USA Today recently referred to Donald Trump as a 'clown.' Even clowns were like, 'Are you kidding? That guy’s hair is ridiculous.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed giant cans of soda. When you outlaw stuff it creates crime. I saw a guy today walking down the street and a cop is arresting him because he's got a huge can of soda, and he said 'No, no, this is medicinal Mountain Dew.'” –David Letterman

“Now Mayor Bloomberg wants to make something else illegal. He wants to remove the third layer from a club sandwich.” –David Letterman

“Another al-Qaida No. 2 guy was hit by a drone. I'm telling you, these Al Qaeda leaders, they don't last as long as a Kardashian marriage.” –David Letterman

“There was another drone attack ordered by the White House last night. They sent Joe Biden out to give a speech. He was just droning on.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney's got to think about picking a vice president pretty soon. And it's kind of a tough situation because political pundits say he needs to select a running mate that is duller than he is. The only problem is that guy is already vice president.” –Jay Leno

“There were some tense moments yesterday during President Obama's visit to Los Angeles. Three private planes drifted into his restricted air space. And as you know, the president's restricted air space can be penetrated only by people donating more than $35,000.” –Jay Leno

“DC Comics has come out with the news that superhero Green Lantern is gay. In fact, when he heard the news, Batman turned to Superman and said, 'I told you.'” –Jay Leno

“Comedian Bill Maher has purchased a minority share of the New York Mets. He's going to change the team's name to the New York Smirking Atheists.” –Conan O'Brien

June 8, 2012

“Team Romney is misspelling words all over the map. They misspelled America, they misspelled the word official, they misspelled Reagan…I think we are going to find out that Mitt is actually dyslexic and his name is Tim.” –Bill Maher

“This weekend President Obama's daughter, Sasha, will turn 11 years old. Sasha didn’t ask Obama for a present — you know, because she’s still waiting for him to deliver the gifts he promised three birthdays ago.” –Jimmy Fallon

“In an event celebrating her 25th anniversary of being elected to Congress, Nancy Pelosi revealed that the ghost of past feminist leaders spoke to her at her first White House meeting as speaker. In a related story, doctors now say, 'Yes, Botox can cause hallucinations.'” –Jay Leno

“Remember when Obama was campaigning? Didn't he say he was going to close Guantanamo Bay? Didn't he say that? Apparently, he just meant for renovations.” –Jay Leno

“In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to the Greek president Barack Obama-opolis.” –Jay Leno

June 11, 2012

“A new report found that Mitt Romney's economic plan would not have any effect on unemployment. When he heard that Romney's plan wouldn't make any difference, Obama was like, 'Hey, that's MY thing!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“At a recent speech Obama said he wants to build an economy where hard work pays off. Which explains why Obama's approval rating just went down by three Kardashians.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy featuring out-of-work Americans. It gets weird at the end when he says, 'I'm Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Ron Paul's son is a senator from Kentucky, and he's now endorsing Mitt Romney. I know how that feels. My son watches Jay.” –David Letterman

“Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.” –David Letterman

“You know what he did with that money? He took Warren Buffett to lunch.” –David Letterman

“It's great to be back in Chicago. Illinois Rep. Derek Smith has been accused of accepting a $7,000 bribe. If he's found guilty, he could serve up to four years as the state's governor.” –Conan O'Brien

“The last time I did a late-night show in Chicago, my guest was an up-and-coming senator called Barack Obama. And now just six short years later, he's gone on to become a socialist Muslim from Kenya.” –Conan O'Brien

“Commerce Secretary John Bryson has been cited for felony hit and run after he crashed into a car. Then he drove away and hit another car. He said he had a seizure — to which Lindsay Lohan said, 'Why didn't I think of that? I had a seizure.'” –Jay Leno

“Rand Paul…do you know who Rand Paul is? He is the son of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, who has not dropped out of the race yet… Well; Rand Paul has now endorsed Mitt Romney. That's got to make for an awkward Father's Day this Sunday, doesn't it? “Hey pop, what do you want for Father's Day?” “I don't know; a little support might be nice!” –Jay Leno

“A new government survey shows that teenagers are now smoking more marijuana than they are smoking cigarettes. Experts say heavy pot smoking by young people impairs thinking, distorts perception, and can be a gateway to the White House.” –Jay Leno

June 12, 2012

“Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it's gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is going on a six-state bus tour. Mitt is very excited because he's never been on a bus.” –David Letterman

“Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she's great with animals. And the president's still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama says he hopes the NBA Finals go to a Game 7. Of course, Obama should probably be focused on other matters, like hoping his presidency goes to a Term 2.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney visited a restaurant in Iowa, and had trouble thinking of the word for donut. Newt Gingrich merely responded, 'That never would have happened if I were the nominee.'” –Jimmy Fallon

June 13, 2012

“The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists' team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for.” –Jay Leno

“TV icon Betty White visited President Obama in the Oval Office this week. The last time Betty visited the White House, it was still under construction.” –Jay Leno

“Have you seen this video that's gone viral of Mitt Romney having trouble trying to recognize a chocolate donut? It's all over the web. At first he said, 'Is that Beluga caviar on a bagel? What is that?' That's why he needs Chris Christie as his vice president. If anyone can identify a donut, it's Chris Christie.” –Jay Leno

“The commerce secretary, a guy named John Bryson – have you heard about this? He got cited for felony hit-and-run here in California, after he crashed into a car, got out, talked to the other driver, got back in his car, crashed into the other car again, drove away, and then crashed into another car. He's now taking a leave of absence. The good news? It's the first new job the White House has created all year. That's good news!” –Jay Leno

“China is now preparing to send their first woman into outer space. Which at first seems like a feminist breakthrough until you realize she doesn't want to go.” –Jay Leno

“According to The New York Times, Mexican drug cartels launder millions and million of dollars through horse races. I hate to see something like betting on horses become corrupt and seedy? What's next, boxing?” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is coming to Chicago this weekend. Obama is introducing his new economic plan as part of the Just For Laughs Festival.” –Conan O'Brien

“Betty White visited President Obama at the White House. The first time Betty was at the White House she was stayed in the Lincoln Bedroom – with Lincoln.” –Conan O'Brien

“President Obama is going to a fundraiser at Sarah Jessica Parker's house. It will be a formal, sit-down dinner for 200 in her shoe closet.” –Conan O'Brien

“Tonight was the premiere of a new version of the TV show 'Dallas' with Larry Hagman. … The original “Dallas” series started in 1978. Back then, America was very different. We had an ineffective, one-term president. Gas prices were through the roof. We were in a stand-off with Iran. I'm glad those dark days are over.” –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's “Top Ten Other Ways Mitt Romney Describes Doughnuts”

10. Powdered Snack Cylinders
9. Dessert Bagels
8. Leavened Batter Globules
7. Sugary Pastry Tires
6. Perforated Strudel Orbs
5. Saturated Fat Wheels
4. Dunking Muffins
3. Glazed Giddy-Ups
2. Chris Christie Kremes
1. The Cadillac of Pastries


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