Posted by Wordsmith on 10 June, 2012 at 8:38 am. 10 comments already!

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June 4, 2012

“According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, apparently when he was in high school, President Obama smoked large amounts of marijuana. You know what that means? He could be our first green president.” –Jay Leno

“Unemployment is still looking pretty bad. In fact, the White House has a new slogan on job creation: 'Hope and change the subject.'” –Jay Leno

“The unemployment numbers are higher than President Obama was in high school.” –Jay Leno

“On Friday, President Obama spent the night at his home in Chicago for the first time in over a year. It was nice – he even went down to the basement and dusted off some old campaign promises.” –Jimmy Fallon

“That's right, Obama spent the night at his home in Chicago. Of course it got awkward when he left and his housekeeper was like, 'So, see you after the election?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“New research shows that elderly people emit a distinct odor. Yeah, the study was conducted by two guys stuck in an elevator with Larry King.” –Conan O'Brien

June 5, 2012

“Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey found that Mitt Romney is ahead of Obama among those who make $36,000-$90,000. Or as Romney put it, 'And they said I can't connect with the poor.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Obama gave Bon Jovi a ride to New York City on Air Force One. Makes sense – Bon Jovi’s living on a prayer, while Obama’s campaigning on one.” –Jimmy Fallon

“New York is considering a law that would keep people out of jail if they were caught with small amounts of marijuana – which explains why stoners are like, 'It's a cop. Hide most of the weed.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Forget the Mayans. According to NASA, the world will not come to an end for another 4 billion years – or about the same time your 401(k) comes back.” –Jay Leno

“The No. 2 guy in al-Qaida has been killed. Who says Obama isn't creating job openings?” –Jay Leno

“Former Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak has been sentenced to life in prison. You know, it's too bad we couldn't get the John Edwards trial moved to Egypt.” –Jay Leno

“According to People magazine, Rielle Hunter, the mother of John Edwards' love child, is releasing a new tell-all book this month. Haven't we heard enough? How about a shut-up book?” –Jay Leno

“It's a memoir about their relationship. She didn't write it herself. She used a ghost skank.” –Jay Leno

“Presidential primaries were held in California, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico, and South Dakota today. Both candidates for president — Obama and Romney — have already clinched their nominations. So today's primaries were mostly for people who really like stickers.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Facebook may change its accounts policy and allow kids under 13 to join. Under 13. Yeah, when they heard this, Chinese officials said, 'Great. Now our workers will never get anything done.'” –Conan O'Brien

June 6, 2012

“It’s being reported that Mitt Romney's personal Hotmail account has been hacked. Yeah, Hotmail. Even Ron Paul was like, 'Get with it, you old geezer!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Speaking of Mitt Romney, his campaign is in the news for misspelling several words on his promotional items. Today, Romney issued a press release that said, 'I'll get to the bottom of this, or my name isn't Malt Ramrod.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“I had a terrible nightmare last night. I dreamed I was a union member is Wisconsin who loved the Miami Heat. It was a nightmare!” –Jay Leno

“Governor Scott Walker won his recall last night in Wisconsin. Who would have guessed the governor of Wisconsin would have been a better closer than LeBron James?” –Jay Leno

“CNBC is reporting that America lost 129,000 millionaires last year. Or as Mitt Romney calls them, 'an endangered species we have to protect.'” –Jay Leno

David Letterman's “Top Ten Subject Lines of Emails Received By Mitt Romney”

10. Meet other attractive Mitts in your area
9. Newt here, regarding the VP job
8. Reminder: It's been over a month since you've purchased a Cadillac
7. Confirming your 2:30, 5:30, and 9 o'clock haircuts
6. 20% off at beach-house-car-elevators.com
5. Nice slacks, bro!
4. Your Marie Osmond tickets have shipped
2. If I vote for you, can I ride your dancing horse?
1. Warning: your hacked password is about to expire

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