Posted by Wordsmith on 4 March, 2012 at 8:44 am. 9 comments already!


Feb. 23, 2012

“President Obama said he understands that rising prices are making people worried and fearful. Especially in his re-election campaign. They’re really fearful.” –Jay Leno

“I saw the worst reality show last night. Have you seen this one? It’s called “the Republican Debate.’” –Jay Leno

“The debate was on CNN. You know who the big winner was? “American Idol” on Fox.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is claiming that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him. Which is kind of ironic — that Santorum can be brought down by two men forming a civil union.” –Jay Leno

“All these GOP debates. They had debates with podiums, debates with chairs, a table, bunk beds. Now the next one is going to be in black and white and silent.” –David Letterman

“As bad as gas prices are here, the situation is worse in Europe. I’ll tell you why. Because every time Europeans fill up their tank, they expose their unshaven armpits, releasing deadly toxic gases.” –Craig Ferguson

“I think we’re going to be seeing more hybrid cars. The Prius is known as a hybrid because it can run on either electricity or the smugness of the owner.” –Craig Ferguson

“I believe that corporations should be afforded all the rights of human beings: right to free speech, the right to bear arms, right to get married — I mean, not gay married — heterosexual.” –Stephen Colbert

Feb. 24, 2012

“Mitt Romney has been the front-runner from day one but nobody likes Mitt Romney because he’s not kooky enough.” –David Letterman

“They’re looking for somebody kookier so Rick Santorum is a pretty good choice. He does not believe in birth control. Does not believe in global warming. Does not believe in long-sleeve sweaters.” –David Letterman

“President Obama is trying to come up with a new campaign slogan that would replace ‘hope and change.’ He’s thinking of going with ‘I am not Mitt Romney.’” –Craig Ferguson

“There are rumors that Mitt Romney will ask Ron Paul to be his running mate. He was originally going to reach out to Rick Santorum. But Rick’s not crazy about other dudes reaching out for him.” –Craig Ferguson

“It was a tough game for the New York Knicks last night. Jeremy Lin went just 1-for-11 in their loss to Miami. Only 1 success out of 11 attempts — or as Newt Gingrich calls that, ‘primary season.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“During Vice President Biden’s speech in North Carolina today, a man onstage kept falling asleep. The worst part: It was actually Joe Biden.” –Jimmy Fallon

“This week an Occupy Wall Street protester gave birth in the back of a taxi. The baby loves breast milk – as long as it’s not the 1 percent.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama talked about rising gas prices today. He focused on the positive things his administration has done when it comes to energy prices. So, in other words, it was the shortest speech he’s ever given.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is starting to get a little overconfident. In an interview with Univision radio, he said, ‘My presidency isn’t over yet, and I’ve still got five more years.’ Even his predictions are over budget.” –Jay Leno

Feb. 27, 2012

“Rick Santorum now says he’s against separation of church and state. But he’s not against separation of sweaters and sleeves.” –David Letterman

“A crazy billionaire is going to give Newt Gingrich $100 million. Gingrich is so excited. He said, ‘Wow, now I can come pretty close to settling up my bill at Tiffany’s.’” –David Letterman

“As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.” –Conan O’Brien

“The house in Pakistan where Osama bin Laden was killed has been demolished. But not before each member of SEAL Team 6 was allowed to bring one date there.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Daytona 500 was supposed to be yesterday but it was rained out. Over the weekend Mitt Romney went to Daytona. I think he was collecting motor oil for his hair.” –Craig Ferguson

“Due to the rising price of oil and gas, the Obama administration announced today they are considering dipping into our national strategic re-election reserves. I mean, I’m sorry — strategic oil reserves.” –Jay Leno

“Now Romney and Santorum are battling over who’s more conservative. I think Santorum… he’s more conservative. This guy is so conservative, as a kid, he refused to play with an erector set.” –Jay Leno

“Santorum is so conservative he won’t go to a junkyard out of fear that he might see another man’s junk. That’s how bad.” –Jay Leno

“He won’t even blow his own soup.” –Jay Leno

“He thinks a dirty Sanchez is a quarterback for the New York Jets.” –Jay Leno

“Rick, I’m sorry that hearing that JFK speech on religion makes you throw up. But if it makes you feel any better, if JFK were alive today, knowing you were running for President would make him s**t his pants.” –Jon Stewart

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Things You Shouldn’t Say In An Academy Awards Acceptance Speech”

10. “This is for you, Kim Jong-Il”
9. “I’ve had sex with every woman in this year’s dead actor montage”
8. “Take that, 99-percenters!”
7. “I’d like to take this opportunity to endorse the next President of the United States, Rick Santorum”
6. “I owe it all to my creepy religious cult”
5. “My wife drives a couple of Cadillacs”
4. “Now I’d like to say a few words about Cool Ranch Doritos”
3. “I share this award with my drug-mule, Hector”
2. “I’d like to thank my sham wife for not revealing I’m gay”
1. “I’ll be in the men’s room, ‘polishing my statuette'”

Feb. 28, 2012

“Rick Santorum is saying the kids that go to college are snobs. Rick Santorum has a new program for children. It’s called Every Child Left Behind.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul looks like the guy you see in the horse-racing movies on the back stretch with a stopwatch.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul announced earlier today his campaign is the only one that’s entirely financed by moonshine.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney accused the other GOP candidates of pandering to voters to get support. Romney was like, ‘I would never pander to voters. I mean, unless you guys want me to.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today marks the 158th anniversary of the Republican Party — while tomorrow marks the 158th Republican debate.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow is leap day. This is something that only happens once every four years. Or as Newt Gingrich calls that, a sit-up.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney has accused Rick Santorum of saying outrageous things just so Santorum can appeal to the most extreme voters. Santorum denied this and said, ‘That’s exactly the kind of misrepresentation I’d expect from gay abortion doctor Mitt Romney.’” –Conan O’Brien

“The Romney campaign says they can’t figure out why the people of Michigan aren’t embracing their native son. Hmmm, let’s see. Could it be this editorial he wrote four years ago: ‘Let Detroit go bankrupt’?” –Craig Ferguson

“That shows Romney had the vision to put his foot in his mouth years before his competitors.” –Craig Ferguson

“It’s nothing compared to the piece Romney wrote last week for The Arizona Republic: ‘Accept your new Mexican overlords.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Rick Santorum has been surging in the polls lately. Apparently voters are responding to his message of no birth control and public schools.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Kid Rock gave Mitt Romney an endorsement. He also endorsed porn, Jack Daniels, and hepatitis C.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s leap day tomorrow. This is God’s way of punishing us by making the election year even longer.” –Jay Leno

“Kid Rock has formally endorsed Mitt Romney. Doesn’t Kid Rock look like the guy that Mitt Romney’s neighborhood watch group would call the cops on?” –Jay Leno

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Other Things Mitt Romney Says He Likes About Michigan’s Trees”

10. “I seem less wooden standing next to one”
9. “In a pinch, sap makes a great hair gel”
8. “They’re also just the right width”
7. “It’s fun hiring illegal immigrants to rake up their leaves”
6. “They’re not gay, like palm trees”
5. “They don’t shed their foliage as quickly as those slutty Rhode Island trees”
4. “They look great next to my wife’s Cadillacs”
3. “Trees don’t whine when strapped to your car roof”
2. “They’re not afraid to stand up to the auto industry”
1. “Like me, they lean whichever way the wind blows”

Feb. 29, 2012

“Last night Mitt Romney came in first place in the Michigan primary, although he barely won. Incidentally, ‘barely one’ is also the total number of votes Ron Paul received.” –Jimmy Fallon

“In yesterday’s Michigan primary, Newt Gingrich actually came in fourth place. Or as the ice cream in his freezer put it, it’s gonna be a long night.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney is so closed-minded that he would have fired Christopher Columbus. Romney denied it, saying, ‘Are you kidding me? A man with three boats, that’s my kind of guy.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“It’s being reported that Snooki is pregnant. When Rick Santorum heard the news, he immediately came out in favor of birth control.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today, in a suburb of Detroit, Mitt Romney asked supporters to donate money to his campaign. Of course, the people then pointed out that they live in Detroit. And he’s Mitt Romney.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney won in Michigan last night. It was certainly a close race — a real nail-biter or, in Romney’s case, a real manicure.” –David Letterman

“They went crazy celebrating. A friend of mine who was in campaign headquarters said that after he won and the lights were turned off and people were going home, Romney took off his jacket and chugged a glass of tap water.” –David Letterman

“Rick Santorum thinks that global warming, climate change, is a hoax. Let me ask you something, Rick. If you think global warming and climate change is a hoax, how do you explain those sleeveless sweaters?” –David Letterman

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won in Arizona and Michigan. Romney is so excited, he almost loosened his tie.” –Jay Leno

“Gas prices are so high that Mitt Romney’s wife can only afford to drive one Cadillac.” –Jay Leno


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