Sunday Funnies

Dec. 15, 2011

“A new poll shows that, for the very first time, voters that view President Obama unfavorably outnumber those who view him favorably. In fact, if he gets any more unpopular, legally, he might have to run as a Republican.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich signed a ‘no adultery’ pledge. Out of habit he signed it John Smith.” –Jay Leno

“According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won’t have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress.” –Jay Leno

“If there is a shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. You know, maybe that’s our budget problem right there. We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees.” –Jay Leno

“On the campaign trail, Ron Paul said he does not like his milk homogenized. After this, Rick Perry said, ‘I am also not a fan of gay milk.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Ron Paul, of all people, is surging in the polls. When Mitt said, ‘My gloves are coming off,’ Ron Paul said, ‘OK, my teeth are coming out.’ And doctors have confirmed that Ron Paul is incapable of a sex scandal.” –David Letterman

Dec. 16, 2011

“Last night Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. The difference? Tim Tebow actually has a prayer.” –Jay Leno

“The candidates all have their position on the Federal Reserve. Ron Paul is anti-Fed. Mitt Romney is pro-Fed. And Newt Gingrich is over-Fed.” –Jay Leno

“Gary Busey has just withdrawn his endorsement of Newt Gingrich. That’s when you know your campaign’s in trouble. ” –Jay Leno

“President Obama now says he didn’t know how bad the economy was when he took office. And if it doesn’t improve soon, that’s what the next president is going to be saying.” –Jay Leno

“I don’t have time to say Mitt and Romney, so I just call him ‘Mittney.'” –Craig Ferguson

Dec. 19, 2011

“North Korean leader Kim Jong Il died of a heart attack. No one knows what triggers it. He had a lot of money riding apparently on the Denver Broncos so he was pretty upset.” –Conan O’Brien

“It is being reported that school children in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong Il did not ever use the bathroom. So today, most school children in North Korea assumed that their fearless leader exploded.” –Conan O’Brien

“I was at the airport and it is so cold out there that to keep warm, the TSA agents were actually putting their hands in their own pants.” –David Letterman

“Donald Trump said he was going to run for president and then he didn’t run. But now he may be serious because I understand he has demanded to see his own birth certificate.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich is demanding that judges be arrested. I thought, ‘Whoa, that’s what two divorces will do for you.” –David Letterman

“Kim Jong Il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hate us, passed away over the weekend. And get this — his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong Un is taking over. It won’t be easy. He’s got some big women’s sunglasses to fill.” –Jimmy Fallon

“North Korea announced the passing of their supreme leader, Kim Jong Il. His younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could pass to one of Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong Il or Khloe Jong Il.” –Jay Leno

Dec. 20, 2011

“Kim Jong Il made his staff call him ‘dear’ and spent the day drinking cognac. It’s like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.” –David Letterman

“The family is saying now that in lieu of flowers for Kim Jong Il, they encourage you to send enriched uranium.” –David Letterman

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Items On Kim Jong Un’s To Do List”

10. Hit LensCrafters and check out the selection of giant dictator glasses
9. Fix leaky water torture pipe in dungeon
8. Promote his new regime on “The Wendy Williams Show”
7. Light palace Menorah for the first day of Hanukkah
6. Take a vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Texas
5. Floss more (It’s on everyone’s to-do list, but we never get around to it, do we folks?)
4. Do some freestyle picking
3. Watch monkeys riding dogs
2. Buy a zoo with Matt Damon
1. Obligatory meeting with Donald Trump

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