Posted by Wordsmith on 25 September, 2011 at 6:30 am. 3 comments already!

Sept. 15, 2011

“That custom-tailored Obama scandal you ordered is finally here. Solyndra, which received $535 million in federal loan guarantees, has gone bankrupt. … Does the failure of one company discredit the idea of an entire green energy economy? Of course not. But, if in, say, 1936 you spoke about the growing importance of air travel in front of the…Hindenberg, you’d be right about the future of air travel, but you’d still be on f**king fire.” –Jon Stewart

“Congress is investigating why the Obama administration invested over $500 million in a solar panel company called Solyndra, which filed for bankruptcy. Only the White House could pick a solar panel company that goes broke in California in the summer.” –Jay Leno

“I don’t want to say the solar panels are bad, but they absorb less sunlight than John Boehner.” –Jay Leno

“I had a terrible dream last night – I dreamed my cat was sick and the only veterinarian in town was Ron Paul and I didn’t have my proof of pet insurance card. It was awful.” –Jay Leno

NASA now says the bright streak of light seen in the skies over the southwest United States was a meteor. Witnesses say it dazzled brightly, then flamed out quickly – kind of like Obama’s presidency. – Jay Leno

“A new book says Sarah Palin had a one-night stand with former basketball star Glen Rice. Even more humiliating Rice says she quit before the second half. And it’s getting catty. She’s now calling him Minute Rice.” –Jay Leno

“Last night in the Rose Garden, President Obama had a beer with a Medal of Honor winner. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden had a beer with a ‘World of Warcraft’ winner.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Michele Bachmann and Cindy McCain had dinner together in a restaurant in Arizona. First they sent their entree back to the kitchen. Then they sent the kitchen staff back to Guadalajara.” –Jimmy Fallon

“On Tuesday, Michelle Obama honored the creator of the Verdana computer font for his life’s work. Yeah, she also honored the creator of Courier New for making my college essays look two to three pages longer.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Another Sarah Palin documentary is coming out from the man who did ‘Biggie and Tupac.’ The Palin documentary is similar, but with more guns.” –Conan O’Brien

Sept. 16, 2011

“If a person contributes just $5 to President Obama’s campaign, that person will become eligible to win a private dinner with the president. But if you win, you’re buying.” –Jay Leno

Sept. 19, 2011

“President Obama says his new jobs bill will create over 1.9 million jobs — and up to 50 of them will be right here in America.” –Jay Leno

“Obama said Americans feel things aren’t fair, that the deck is stacked against them, and that nobody is paying attention. That’s an inspiring campaign speech.” –Jay Leno

“Did you know the White House makes its own beer? President Obama bought the equipment with his own money and he brews his own beer in the White House. That might explain some of these recent economic policies.” –Jay Leno

“More and more information coming out about our other presidential candidates. Like, did you know that Mitt Romney’s real name is Willard? He was born Willard. Well, thank god he had the good sense to change it to “Mitt.” That’s so much more accessible than Will.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has proposed a new tax increase called the ‘Buffett rule.’ At first, Newt Gingrich was for it because he thought it was the ‘buffet rule.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Michelle Obama has convinced the owners of the Olive Garden to cut calories and sodium by 20 percent. They took the first lady’s advice because Michelle Obama is more Italian than anybody that works at the Olive Garden.” –Conan O’Brien

“All the world leaders at the United Nations agree on one thing: Superman has got to do more.” –David Letterman

“At the United Nations in New York, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was bragging that Iran now leads the world in captured hikers.” –David Letterman

“Nobody likes hiking more than I do, but it seems to me that if you have an atlas, you can find many places to go hiking – that aren’t Iraq or Korea.” –David Letterman

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Highlights Of Barack Obama’s Deficit Plan”

10. Pay everything off with a giant bake sale on the White House lawn
9. New 10,000 percent tax on waffles — no way people are giving up their waffles!
8. Congressional Super Committee now reports to even more powerful Super Duper Committee
7. Medicare no longer covers butt X-rays
6. From now on, quarters are worth 26 cents
5. Change the definition of the word ‘deficit’
4. Seniors must wait until they’re 112 before they can collect Social Security
3. Open more post offices — those places are money machines!
2. Congressmen must pay hookers in cash
1. Jets giving three and a half in Cincy — it’s like found money

Sept. 20, 2011

“Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is now over. Gay people can enlist, fight overseas, and then not be able to get married when they get back home.” –Jay Leno

“The military’s policy of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ is officially over. Don’t confuse this with President Obama’s economic policy, which is ‘don’t ask, I don’t want to talk about it.'” –Jay Leno

“Obama says his new plan to raise taxes on millionaires is not class warfare, it’s math. We Americans hate class warfare, but we also hate math.” –Jay Leno

“Congress’ approval rating has dropped to 12 percent. The other 88 percent are withholding judgment until Congress actually does something.” –Jay Leno

“A new survey shows that 1 in 5 Americans believe that God steers the economy. Mystery solved: God is Chinese.” –Conan O’Brien

“World leaders are here for the U.N. General Assembly. Today Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad went up to Central Park and arrested hikers. The Italian Prime Minister is also here. So good luck getting a hooker.” –David Letterman

“A satellite is now headed toward earth and the people at NASA have no idea where it will land. How would they know? It’s not like they’re rocket scientists.” –David Letterman

“Moammar Gadhafi released an audio message saying that he’s still in power, and just ‘temporarily’ going underground. Sure, just like my local Blockbuster is ‘temporarily’ closing its doors.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama is speaking to the General Assembly tomorrow and he’s expected to urge the delegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty, and find out what the heck is happening at Netflix.” –Craig Ferguson

“Some critics say Obama should be focusing on jobs instead of addressing the UN. But I think it’s important for Obama to talk to the other countries – because they’re the ones that have all of our jobs.” –Craig Ferguson

“The most famous speech at the U.N. was Nikita Kruschev, who banged his shoe on the desk. I don’t mean he had sex with the shoe. That would have been Clinton. ‘I really like an open-toed espadrille.” –Craig Ferguson

“The military’s controversial ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy was officially retired. This marks a new age of tolerance, acceptance, and awkward showering for everyone in the military.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I think this will have an effect on our enemies. Be warned, evildoers. First we will defeat you, then we will redecorate your entire country.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Some of the contestants on Dancing with the Stars … well, I’ve seen better dancing at the Republican National Convention. Nancy Grace showed how ironic a last name can be.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“China is now grading restaurants’ hygiene using smiley faces and frown faces. Really? Who do they have working on this stuff in China, kids? Oh.” –Jimmy Fallon

“That’s how ridiculous this policy was. The apology for the affront is, ‘Alright, you can go to Afghanistan and fight for your country.'” –Jon Stewart, on the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Items On The United Nations General Assembly Agenda”

10. Screw with the Swedes
9. Recap highlights from last night’s ‘Two and a Half Men’
8. Goodbye, Euro. Hello, Chuck E. Cheese tokens
7. Pass resolution that Steve Carell ‘was robbed’ at the Emmys
6. Gently break it to the Russians that they’ve been writing their Rs backwards all these years
5. Finally nail down which one’s Uruguay and which one’s Paraguay
4. Pitch sitcom about Greece and United States called ‘Two Broke Countries’
3. Do whatever China says
2. Congratulate whatever country came up with the ‘Girl With the Dragon Tattoo’ books, because those were awesome
1. Debate whether to renew the Letterman fatwa

Sept. 21, 2011

“Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.” –David Letterman

“The meeting of the U.N. General Assembly is going well this year. So far we haven’t heard one of them yell, ‘It was consensual!'” –David Letterman

“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that he is releasing the two American hikers from captivity in Iran on humanitarian grounds. Then he went back to torturing dissidents.” –David Letterman

“The Tea Party is forming its own debt super committee that will meet this week at a Florida Denny’s. You do not want to be the waiter that adds the tax to their check.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama’s hometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune has called on Obama not to run for re-election. He has to run. He knows there are no other jobs out there.” –Jay Leno

“The Solyndra executives are scheduled to testify before Congress, and they’re expected to take the 5th. Why not take the 5th? They’ve already taken $535 million.” –Jay Leno

“Gays can now openly serve in the military, which is good news, unless you’re gay and you don’t want to join the military and they reinstate the draft.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama addressed the United Nations General Assembly. He opened up with a joke: ‘The American dollar is strong.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“During a fundraiser in New York last night, President Obama said he was quote ‘in a New York state of mind.’ Of course, in a year he might be singing that other Billy Joel song, ”Movin’ Out.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that’s a good way to honor Lincoln – by sending people to the theater.” –Jimmy Fallon


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