Sunday Funnies

Aug. 18-19, 2011

“Yesterday a brawl broke out during a Joe Biden speech in China. Evidently, somebody blocked the exit, and people panicked.” –Conan O’Brien

“The CEO of Starbucks said that President Obama shouldn’t be vacationing during a crisis, and that he should be getting Americans back to work — so they can afford a $9 cup of coffee.” –Conan O’Brien

“Joe Lieberman has written a memoir in which he reveals why having sex with his wife on the Sabbath is so important to him. It’s in the chapter called ‘You Might Want to Skip This.'” –Conan O’Brien

“I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re hoping for an end to the bloodshed, a peaceful transition to democracy, and . . . cheaper gas.” –Craig Ferguson

“There’s a fatwa on me. They say the guy that issued it is an Internet jihadist. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs?” –David Letterman

“The State Department is investigating, but everyone knows it’s Leno.” –David Letterman

“When they killed bin Laden, he had been locked in a house with three wives for six years. So when the SEALs broke in, he said, ‘Just shoot me.'” –David Letterman

“Top Ten Thought’s That Went Through Letterman’s Mind After Hearing About the Threat”

10. “Someone wants to silence me? Get in line”
9. “Nothing says summer like a death threat”
8. “Why is the staff in such a good mood?”
7. “Save me, Oprah”
6. “Should I wear my Kevlar hairpiece?”
5. “And here I thought nobody watched the show”
4. “How can someone be so angry at a time when Kim Kardashian is so happy?”
3. “Some people get Emmy nominations, some people get death threats”
2. “This seems like Leno’s handiwork”
1. “Oh my God! They canceled ‘The George Lopez Show’”

Aug. 22-23, 2011

“Yesterday, earthquake; today, hurricane. Where do you go next — Tripoli?” –David Letterman

“The earthquake registered 5.8 on the Richter scale. I’ve had bigger heart attacks than that.” –David Letterman

“The earthquake was so strong that the Tea Party shifted to the center.” –David Letterman

“President Obama is enjoying the fun and sun in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating.” –David Letterman

“After the earthquake on the East Coast, they found Mayor Bloomberg standing under his desk.” –David Letterman

“They felt the earthquake at Martha’s Vineyard. It was so bad, President Obama nearly missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“A guy last week put a fatwa out on me. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for my replacement.” –David Letterman

“A guy, a radical extremist, threatened to cut my tongue out. I wish I had a nickel … I think the first time was during the Academy Awards.” –David Letterman

“I’m sorry I was late coming out. Backstage I was talking to the guy from CBS. We were going through the CBS insurance policy to see if I was covered for jihad.” –David Letterman

“Tonight you people are more to me than an audience. You’re more like a human shield.” –David Letterman

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Things Overheard During The East Coast Earthquake”

10. “That was the scariest two seconds of my life!”
9. “It’s lootin’ time”
8. “Hey, you forgot your champagne”
7. “5.9 earthquake, it would have been a 6.2 if it had a better lead-in”
6. “These new Taco Bell chalupas are rockin’ my world”
5. “My hiccups are gone”
4. “Wheeeeee”
3. “Call FEMEMA, the Federal Extremely Minor Emergency Management Agency”
2. “Darn, right in the middle of laser eye surgery”
1. “Kirstie, stop with the jumping jacks!”

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