Posted by Wordsmith on 19 June, 2011 at 12:00 am. 5 comments already!

June 9-10, 2011

“Democrats and Republicans are calling for Congressman Anthony Weiner to resign. Late night comedians are asking him to hang in there.” –Conan O’Brien

“The women who Anthony Weiner communicated with were a college student, a single mom, a blackjack dealer, and a porn star. Or, as we call that here in Los Angeles, the circle of life.” –Conan O’Brien

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has not taken off his wedding ring. When asked why, he said it’s a total housekeeper magnet.” –Conan O’Brien

“There’s now a picture going around the internet of Weiner’s naked penis. You can tell it’s him, because it looks just like him.” –Jay Leno

“The Chairman of the Republican Party Ed Cox said that he would use the incriminating pictures from Anthony Weiner to defeat him. So now we have Cox versus Weiner. This just doesn’t stop!” –Jay Leno

“President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at the end of that golf game? Boehner will be crying over his score and Obama will be giving three explanations as to why his score is actually better than it appears.” –Jay Leno

“According to a worldwide survey, the funniest country in the world is America. We are considered the funniest country in the world and Germany is considered the least funny country in the world. How bad is that when you come in behind that laugh riot, Iran?” –Jay Leno

“Delta Airlines charged our soldiers coming back from Afghanistan $2,800 excess baggage fees. Delta’s new slogan: ‘Screwing over the people who defend our right to screw you over.'” –Jay Leno

“Anthony Weiner wants to be mayor of New York City. So we may go from a guy that looks like a jockey to a guy that likes how he looks in Jockeys.” –David Letterman

“President Obama has offered bailout money to keep Greece from defaulting on its loans. Yeah, when Greece thanked him, Obama was like, ‘Don’t mention it . . . to China, because it’s their money.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama wrote an essay for People magazine about being the father he never had. Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger wrote an essay about being the father no one knew he was.” –Jimmy Fallon

“After searching online for eight minutes for pictures of a congressman’s penis you have to start questioning yourself. And now we find out Weiner’s wife is pregnant. The only thing that could make this right is if it turns out she got pregnant by Arnold Schwarzenegger.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Many of Anthony Weiner’s Democratic colleagues are calling for him to resign to preserve his dignity, but that ship sailed a long time ago.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s not a great day for the King of Sweden. He’s facing pressure to step down over rumors that he frequents strip clubs. Now, I think I speak for every American when I say, ‘Oh Sweden, your political sex scandals are so adorable.'” –Craig Ferguson

June 13, 2011

“Congressman Weiner has entered a treatment program. Amazingly, it’s the only thing he’s entered during the entire Weinergate scandal.” –Conan O’Brien

“Experts are predicting that in the first Republican debate, Mitt Romney will face his fiercest ideological opponent: himself from four years ago.” –Conan O’Brien

“Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment centre for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He’s already there, it’s called Congress.” –Jay Leno

“Congressman Anthony Weiner has announced that he’s not resigning in the wake of the scandal. One thing we know about Weiner is that he knows how to stand firm.” –Jay Leno

“According to the Wall Street Journal, economic experts now fear there may be a second recession. A second recession? When did the first one end?” –Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can’t afford to stay in hotels anymore.” –Jay Leno

“Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson lashed out at CNN as being elitist for not allowing him to participate in the Republican debate. He said CNN was robbing him of the opportunity to reach literally dozens of viewers.” –Jay Leno

“It’s so sunny today that Anthony Weiner saw his shadow. That means six more weeks of Weiner jokes.” –David Letterman

“The latest batch of Weiner photos were taken at the congressional gym. Wait a minute, those guys have a gym?” –David Letterman

“I say don’t judge Anthony Weiner until you’ve walked a mile with his pants down around your ankles.” –David Letterman

“Apparently, Anthony Weiner won’t decide if he’s resigning until his wife comes back from her trip to Africa with Hillary Clinton. I don’t know what’s more ridiculous — that he thinks he can stay in office, or that he thinks his wife is coming back.” –Jimmy Fallon

“NASA is planning to send the first iPhones into space next month. Yeah, scientists say that if they can figure out a way to make iPhones work in outer space, they could eventually get them to work here in midtown Manhattan.” –Jimmy Fallon

“According to reports, Osama bin Laden’s bedroom had the only air conditioner in his compound. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m starting to think that he was kind of a jerk.” –Jimmy Fallon

“I think Congressman Weiner should resign. Not for any political reasons, but just because I would like to see him become the next ‘Bachelor.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Sasha Obama turned 10 years old yesterday. It was so cute when her mom Michelle had her blow out the candles on her birthday lettuce.” –Jimmy Kimmel

June 14, 2011

“President Obama said he’d be OK being a one-term President. And with that he shoved an iPhone down his pants and pressed ‘send.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Arnold Schwarzenegger’s housekeeper says Maria Shriver became suspicious after noticing similarities between Arnold and her 13-year-old son. For instance, after serving as class president, he left the sixth grade with a $42 billion deficit.” –Conan O’Brien

“The housekeeper said the affair wasn’t all Arnold’s fault because ‘it takes two.’ Then Anthony Weiner said, ‘Actually, it only takes one.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Congressman Weiner has checked into the That’s Not Mayo Clinic.” –Conan O’Brien

“During the Republican debate on Monday night, Mitt Romney interrupted the proceedings to announce the score of the hockey game. Well … I guess he’s already written off the black vote.” –Conan O’Brien

“During the GOP debate, Herman Cain was asked if he likes deep dish or thin crust pizza. Then Newt Gingrich interrupted and said, ‘Wait, there’s pizza?'” –Conan O’Brien

“Anthony Weiner asked Bill Clinton for advice, and actually followed it for awhile. Of course eventually he was forced to tell the truth.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama said regarding the economy, ‘The sky is not falling.’ The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner’s pants are falling, but the sky is fine.” –Jay Leno

“According to the latest survey on the economy, 48 percent of the people surveyed think we’ll have a great depression. The other 52 percent think it will just be a pretty good depression.” –Jay Leno

“The first Republican presidential debate was held on Monday night. Seven Republican presidential candidates got together to agree on how much they dislike the government they would like to run. Imagine if you did that in a job interview.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney is the front runner at this point, mostly because he looks like the guy they would cast as the president in a disaster movie.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who turned 65, allegedly. We still haven’t seen the birth certificate so we don’t know for sure.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The New York Daily News is reporting that Anthony Weiner’s car isn’t registered at the DMV. Oh man — he must be so embarrassed right now.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Happy Birthday to Donald Trump, who was born 65 years ago today! It was sweet. Today Obama sent him a nice Hallmark card that said, ‘Prove it.'” –Jimmy Fallon

June 15, 2011

“Photos of Congressman Weiner have surfaced of him cross-dressing in college, in bra and pantyhose, proving that even back then he knew he wanted to be a Congressman.” –Jay Leno

“It was on this day in 1992 that Vice President Dan Quayle misspelled the word ‘potato,’ thus paving the way for Sarah Palin.” –Jay Leno

“According to a new report, only 12 percent of American high school students can pass a basic history test. That’s the lowest percentage since our country was founded in 1922.” –Jay Leno

“Congressman Weiner’s wife returned today from her diplomatic trip to Ethiopia. She said she got really tired of Ethiopians telling her, ‘I feel so sorry for you.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Anthony Weiner has asked that everyone respect his privacy. I guess that wasn’t his concern when he was texting pictures of himself.” –David Letterman

“Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.” –David Letterman

“A new survey found that 87 percent of high school seniors are less than proficient in U.S. history. Not me. In fact, when I was a senior, I did a 10-page paper on my favorite president, George Jefferson.” –Jimmy Fallon

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