Sunday Funnies

May 20, 2011

“How about this whole world-coming-to-an-end thing? Look, I love Oprah too, but it was just a TV show!” –Jay Leno

“Tim Pawlenty's friends call him T-Paw. As opposed to everyone else who calls him 'T-Who?'” –Jay Leno

“The Obama campaign is selling t-shirts with his long-form birth certificate and 'Made in the U.S.A.' Arnold Schwarzenegger is selling t-shirts that say 'Maid in the bedroom, maid in the kitchen …'” –Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin was asked if she has the fire in the belly to run for President, and she said yes. But it's not the fire in the belly; it's the air in the head.” –Jay Leno

“Katie Couric was the first solo female anchor. You know who the last solo male anchor was? Osama bin Laden.” –Jay Leno

“It's been reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger was paying the maid 1200 dollars a week. It gets uglier. He bought the woman a house in Bakersfield, and he was having sex with the lady who cleans that house too.” –Jay Leno

“Time is flying by. Pretty soon, I'll be opening my summer place in Abbottabad.” –David Letterman

“Katie Couric's final news broadcast was last night. Now she's looking for another format she doesn't quite fit.” –David Letterman

“Donald Trump is not running for president. It turns out he was born in Kenya.” –David Letterman

“May 21st is supposed to be Judgment Day. We should send a robot Arnold Schwarzenegger back in time to fix things. Though I suspect if he could go back in time he might fix some other things.” –Craig Ferguson

“The man that is predicting judgment day predicted the end of the world in 1994. He also predicted that Ashton Kutcher would never return to television.” –Craig Ferguson

“Katie Couric had her last broadcast and we were very sad to see her go but now it's official. I have the nicest legs at CBS.” –Craig Ferguson

“Merry Apocalypse Eve. This minister says the world is going to end. I just checked the weather. We have maybe a 10% chance of Apocalypse.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's putting his career on hold to concentrate on personal matters. Either that or he's putting Korea on hold. It's hard to understand him. He told his talent agency to hold all his projects while he cleans up his personal mess. That's what happens when you impregnate your maid. There's no one to clean up messes for you.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama said Hillary Clinton is approaching one million frequent flier miles in her job as Secretary of State. Though even that can't get her upgraded to the seat she really wants.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama offered $1 billion to Egypt to boost the creation of new jobs. And if that works, they're going to try it here.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The head of the International Monetary Fund, arrested in New York for assaulting a hotel maid, has posted the one million dollars bail in cash. Well, there goes Nigeria's mosquito net money.” –Jon Stewart

May 23, 2011

“The pastor who incorrectly predicted the Rapture said it was a very tough weekend. To make it worse, his friends keep calling him saying, “Hey, it's not the end of the world!” –Conan O'Brien

“The good news is, the apocalypse did not happen. The bad news is, we thought it would so we don't have much of a plan for the show.” –Conan O'Brien

“Arnold Schwarzenegger might have to give Maria Shriver 100,000,000 dollars in a divorce settlement. When asked for a comment Arnold said, “But I have families to support.” –Conan O'Brien

“The government has decided that no one is getting the $25 million award for capturing bin Laden. It's because no one wants to break the news to SEAL Team 6.” –Conan O'Brien

“It's a great honor to be selected as the 'Celebrity Apprentice.' It's like being chosen as a Schwarzenegger maid.” –David Letterman

“President Obama just kicked off a 6-day European tour. It's terrifying because this means Joe Biden is in charge.” –Craig Ferguson

“You can use genealogy to trace your ancestors now. In 100 years, scientists will be able to tell that three quarters of all Americans are descended directly from Arnold Schwarzenegger.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama visited a bar in Ireland and drank Guinness. I know it's not great for kids to see the president drinking alcohol, but in his defense, beer goes great with cigarettes.” –Craig Ferguson

“At first I felt bad for the people that sold everything they owned ahead of the apocalypse. But then I realized they're idiots. If the world did end, what would you do with the money you got?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama is on a big European trip this week, and I heard that he's sleeping at Buckingham Palace when he visits England. That's when you know the U.S. is short on cash — when even Obama's like, 'Hey, is it cool if I crash at your place?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“That's right, Obama was in Ireland. He thought about buying a four-leaf clover for good luck, and then he looked at the field of Republican candidates and decided it wasn't necessary.” –Jimmy Fallon

“There are rumors Arnold Schwarzenegger may have had a second child with another woman. I can't believe Arnold would cheat on his mistress like that.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said he may reverse his position and decide to run for president. He said he wants to do it because President Obama is being so indecisive.” –Jay Leno

“Al Qaeda has been plotting attacks against oil tankers and refineries for years. Thank goodness that never happened. The price of gas would have skyrocketed.” –Jay Leno

David Letterman's “Top Ten Harold Camping Excuses” (For the Rapture Not Happening)

10. “Rapture got rained out”
9. “Forgot to carry the 1”
8. “Dates got screwed up because of the Jewish holidays”
7. “Que?”
6. “Hold on, God's texting me . . . Yeah, it's been postponed”
5. “Don't blame me! I voted for Kucinich”
4. “To prevent bear attack, be sure to suspend all food and trash in a tree. I'm sorry, that's from ‘Top Ten Wilderness Camping Tips’”
3. “At 89, I can't remember how to operate the toaster”
2. “Didn't everybody's world end when ‘Oprah’ was canceled?”
1. “I'm crazy”

May 24, 2011

“The world was supposed to end last Saturday but at the last minute, it was picked up for another season.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Some people sold all they're possessions to prepare for Judgment Day. They're idiots. If the world does end, what are you going to do with your money? Walmart is closed.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Harold Camping has shifted his prediction of the apocalypse from May 21 to October 21, which is great because now I don't have to buy a Halloween costume.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Oprah's show is ending. I tried to get my doctor to euthanize me, but the co-pay was ridiculous.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Turns out that Maria Shriver could end up with 100,000,000 dollars from her divorce from Arnold. She deserves it. She was a devoted wife and mother to at least 40 percent of his children.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, announced that he's running for president. And this is cool — if his campaign isn't over in 30 minutes or less, you get your pizza for free.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Last night at a Texas Ranger game ex-President Bush almost got hit with a foul ball. He vowed revenge on the player, but we all know Obama will be the one to actually get him.” –Conan O'Brien

“The rumor is that Maria Shriver is the one who leaked the story of Arnold’s love child to the press. Evidently she got the idea of leaking things secretly from Arnold.” –Conan O'Brien

“Harold Camping, who predicted the end of the world, says the new date for the apocalypse is October 21. If it rains, it will be October 22.” –David Letterman

“Dick Cheney is publishing a memoir. He's very thorough, and to get all of the facts for his book, he actually had to waterboard himself.” –David Letterman

“In college, Cheney went through a rebellious phase where he experimented with smiling.” –David Letterman

“Harold Camping has now changed his prediction of the Rapture to October 21. Does Jesus work for the cable company now? “I'll be there sometime between May and October, between 9 and 5.” –Jay Leno

“The Rapture-predicting preacher, Harold Camping, is really scaling back his predictions. He now predicts the end of the month will be May 31.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed.” –Jay Leno

“Obama was also in England, where the queen suggested that we go back to the pre-1776 borders.” –Jay Leno

“According to Osama bin Laden's journals that were taken during the raid, he wanted to attack L.A. He changed his mind when he realized that he had nothing against the Mexican people.” –Jay Leno

May 25, 2011

“Donald Trump now says he may run for president as an independent. And when Donald Trump says he's going to do something, Donald Trump . . . says he's going to do something.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Rudy Giuliani says he may run for President. So now we're up to 7 candidates and 35 ex-wives.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is on a visit to England. He told the Queen yesterday, 'I like your tea parties much better than the ones we have in America.'” –Jay Leno

“They drive on other side of the road there, so Obama had to switch sides — kind of like Mitt Romney is doing over here.” –Jay Leno

“I don't want to say Tim Pawlenty is boring, but Joe Biden is accusing him of identity theft.” –Jay Leno

“The average couple fights about sex 87 times a year. And even more if the maid is pregnant. Arnold’s maid has hired a lawyer, so I guess it’s her turn to screw him.” –Jay Leno

“New video has surfaced of Arnold Schwarzenegger in 1991 saying the housekeeper does a 'great job.' One clue might have been that he then added, 'And she's also a great housekeeper.'” –Conan O'Brien

“A new Facebook app is coming out that will remind users exactly what they were doing a year ago from that day. Nine times out of 10, the answer will be 'wasting your time on Facebook.'” –Conan O'Brien

“It's not an exaggeration to say that Oprah has touched millions of women around the world, but unlike Arnold Schwarzenegger, she didn't leave them pregnant.” –Craig Ferguson

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