Mother’s Day Sunday Funnies

May 2, 2011

“Quite a weekend! Did you folks enjoy Osama bin Laden’s season finale? At least he lived long enough to see the Royal Wedding.” –David Letterman

“How about those Navy Seals. We’re getting our money’s worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden’s compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head.” –David Letterman

“There’s already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.” –David Letterman

“Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down.” –Conan O’Brien

“The news of bin Laden’s death interrupted this week’s episode of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?” –Conan O’Brien

“The President was on Oprah today, but the segment was taped last week. In fact, you could watch Oprah give him the order to kill bin Laden.” –Conan O’Brien

“Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really happy. Glenn Beck was crying — and then he found out about Osama.” –Craig Ferguson

“I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama ’cause his response to every question during the debates will be: ‘Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn’t it?'” –Craig Ferguson

“Navy SEALS are very badass hombres. They eat bugs and poop freedom.” –Craig Ferguson

“Looking for Bin Laden was like a 10-year game of Where’s Waldo. Only better because when you finally find Waldo you get to storm his compound and put a cap in his ass.” –Craig Ferguson

“Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don’t understand why the terrorists are so mad about Osama bin Laden’s death. Everybody in Al Qaeda just got a promotion.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted ‘Celebrity Apprentice.'” –Craig Ferguson

“Osama bin Laden’s death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, ‘President Obama saves the world.’ Stations on the right are going, ‘Obama kills fellow Muslim.'” –Craig Ferguson

“I would like us to kill bin Laden every Sunday night. It makes for a much brighter start to the week.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“There were a number of odd details that tipped US intelligence officers. The house had no phone or internet connection – it was surrounded by security walls – the occupants didn’t put their trash out, they burned it. And the name on the mailbox was a tipoff too. It said Al Q. Aeda. That was a red flag. The red flag was a red flag too.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“This is probably the biggest story of the year in the United States. It is the only story on the news. This would be – I’ll tell you what – if you’re a politician looking to have a little public men’s room sex – today was the day!” –Jimmy Kimmel

“By the way, ‘buried at sea’ means ‘dumped in the ocean.’ That’s what they did with him. They dumped him in the ocean. Now I won’t feel so guilty about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump has had a busy week – the President got sweet revenge last night by making the bin Laden announcement in the middle of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“By the way – I should point out that – on the same night Obama was ordering the Navy to kill Osama Bin Laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I suppose I should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being. And yet — uhhhh, no!” –Jon Stewart

“I’m as giddy as a schoolgirl who just shot bin Laden in the eye. Suck my giant American balls, Al Qaeda. Hey Osama, no 3D movies for you in hell. Which I’m pretty sure would be The Last Airbender. … I am just so happy. And I hope I am never again this happy over someone’s death.”–Stephen Colbert

“It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: ‘Yes I Did.'” –Jay Leno

“The good news: Osama bin Laden is dead. The bad news: there is no bad news.” –Jay Leno

“Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved.” –Jay Leno

“At the royal wedding, Kate Middleton wore a dress designed by Sarah Burton and Prince William wore something from the Sgt. Pepper collection.” –Jay Leno

“For their honeymoon, the royal couple wants to go somewhere they can have complete privacy and no one in the country will give away their location. I think they’re going to Pakistan.” –Jay Leno

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Final Words Of Osama bin Laden”

10. ‘My horoscope says ‘Big surprises are in store”
9. ‘See, this is why I normally don’t answer the door’
8. ‘The one time I give my bodyguards a day off to go to the zoo . . . ‘
7. ‘What on earth could be interrupting ‘Celebrity Apprentice?”
6. ‘I hear Brian Williams is on Dave to discuss my imminent demise’
5. ‘At least I’ll be reunited with my dear departed friend Jack LaLanne’
4. ‘I’m not sure I want to live in a world where ‘Fast Five’ is the No. 1 movie’
3. ‘Any man with multiple wives welcomes death. Am I right, fellas?’
2. ‘I need a house full of Navy SEALs like I need a hole in the head’
1. ‘Oh, crap!’

May 3, 2011

“The hot new drink around the country is the bin Laden. It’s a Colt 45 and a shot that goes right to your head.” –Jay Leno

“Experts say the Osama bin Laden death photo will be the most viewed image in history. Second, of course, is Sharon Stone from ‘Basic Instinct.'” –Jay Leno

“Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching ‘Celebrity Apprentice.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday Rush Limbaugh opened his show with ‘Thank God for President Obama.’ In other words, the Apocalypse has begun.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship.” –David Letterman

“Intelligence experts think Osama bin Laden lived in the compound in Pakistan with all of his wives for six years. So I guess he did suffer.” –David Letterman

“Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn’t have needles.” –Stephen Colbert

‘He was living a half a mile from Pakistan’s version of West Point in a town surrounded by retired ex-military officers. Let me put it in New York City terms. Bin Laden was on 21st and Seventh Avenue; they were on 21st and Ninth Avenue. If the Pakistani military academy were Domino’s, they would have been delivered to bin Laden on foot.’ –Jon Stewart

“This is the best time ever to be a Navy SEAL — or a guy in a bar claiming to be a Navy SEAL.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The CIA says bin Laden’s last words were, ‘Are you guys here about the dishwasher?'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s one thing we should thank bin Laden for. Because of his death, for one whole day, we didn’t talk about Charlie Sheen” –Jimmy Kimmel.

May 4, 2011

“As we speak, Osama bin Laden is living with SpongeBob in a pineapple under the sea.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“He’s up to 2,000 friends on Shot-in-the-Facebook.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Some top Republicans are giving most of the credit for killing bin Laden to former President George W. Bush. It’s kind of like when someone opens a pickle jar and you say, ‘Well, I loosened it.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Bin Laden was living in his compound with nine women and 23 children. It sounds like he was shooting a reality show for TLC.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Kate Middleton and Prince William said that for their honeymoon they want privacy in a country where no one will give away their location. I think they are going to Pakistan.” –Jay Leno

“A 61-year-old bearded man went to the airport in New York, said his name was Osama bin Laden and he had a bomb in his bag. They knew it wasn’t real, because he wasn’t being protected by the Pakistani military.” –Jay Leno

“Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp.” –Jay Leno

“Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, ‘the ultimate waterboarding.'” –Jay Leno

“In a stunning flip-flop, the White House says it will not release the photo of bin Laden. Now we have to wait for Donald Trump to force them to release it.” –Jay Leno

“They say bin Laden lived in his compound with nine women and 23 children. I’m surprised the guy didn’t shoot himself in the head.” –Jay Leno

“The White House says they’re not going to release the death photo, so we’ll just have to wait till Donald Trump forces them to release it. The White House did release his last words: ‘Don’t tase me, bro.'” –Jay Leno

“Elisabeth Hasselbeck of ‘The View’ is writing a children’s book about Osama bin Laden’s death. She wants to write a book to explain the whole thing to children. No title yet, but I have some suggestions: ‘Good Night, Douche,’ ‘Horton Hears a Helicopter.'” –Craig Ferguson

“They dumped bin Laden’s body at sea, and I spoke with some clergymen that said he should be arriving in hell right about now. He would have gotten there sooner, but he had to go through Newark.” –David Letterman

“They dumped bin Laden at sea so there would be no shrine. And I just found out that CBS has the same plan for me.” –David Letterman

“Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, ‘I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.'” –Conan O’Brien

“At the time of his death, bin Laden had sewn the equivalent of $740 into his clothing. Experts say his next plan was to launch a major attack, or to rent a one-bedroom apartment in Chicago.” –Conan O’Brien

“Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden’s compound, which explains why bin Laden’s last words were, ‘Dude . . . ‘” –Conan O’Brien

“Now that bin Laden is gone, we can get back to talking about ‘American Idol.’ That really shows that we’ve won the War on Terror.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama said he will not release the photo of Osama bin Laden’s dead body. Well, there goes my Christmas card idea.” –Jimmy Fallon

“While promoting her ‘Let’s Move’ campaign at a middle school, Michelle Obama danced the Cha-Cha, the Running Man, and the Dougie. Not to show off — she was just doing her impression of Barack after they got bin Laden.” –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Good Things About Having Osama bin Laden As A Neighbor”

10. Didn’t matter how loud a party got, there was no way he was calling the cops
9. No one gave us better hugs
8. Did shirtless Tai Chi in the yard — you’re welcome, ladies!
7. He did a lot of volunteer work at the JCC
6. Very quiet, except on rare occasions when Navy SEALs would raid his house and kill him
5. Having a celebrity in the neighborhood is always good for property values
4. Olympic-sized camel-shaped pool
3. The adorable way he’d shout ‘Death to weeds!’ when mowing the lawn
2. At barbecues he made his famous ‘Fatwa Franks’
1. You were never the biggest jerk in the neighborhood

May 5, 2011

“Osama bin Laden is in the ocean. How ironic. Once again surrounded by seals.” –Jay Leno

“The White House is releasing more information on the details of that attack on Osama bin Laden. They said the helicopters were able to fly in undetected because it was 1:00 a.m. and the Pakistan air traffic controller was sound asleep.” –Jay Leno

“They said bin Laden’s wife tried to shield bin Laden with her body. And today Moammar Gadhafi said to his wife, ‘Hey honey, did you see what bin Laden’s wife Susan did? It was pretty cool, don’t you think honey?'” –Jay Leno

“The White House says there’s no chance they’ll release the death photos. Unless Obama starts to slip in the polls.” –Jay Leno

“They celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House. In keeping with the times, President Obama whacked a giant piñata and then gave it a burial at sea.” –Conan O’Brien

“Sen. John McCain met with the CEO of Twitter today. At least that’s what he tried to tweet on his garage door opener.” –Conan O’Brien

“The identity of the Navy Seals that killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret. It’s for their own safety. It’s to keep them from being high-fived to death.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A CNN poll showed that 61 percent of Americans think bin Laden is in hell. The other 39 percent think he’s in superhell.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Jacob and Isabella are the most popular baby names in the U.S. The least popular baby name: Donald Sheen bin Laden.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound was ’38 of the most intense minutes.’ Which can only mean one thing: she’s never had to assemble a chair from Ikea.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is going to host a poetry night at the White House next week. That’s right, Obama will recite some Yeats, Hillary will recite some Frost, Biden will recite some Seuss . . . ” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump is comparing his resistance to same-sex marriage to his refusal to use a new kind of putter. I think gay people and straight people use the same putters. It’s really a matter of hole selection.” –Jon Stewart

“I don’t like this new Obama who hunts Muslim extremists. I like the old Obama who WAS a Muslim extremist.” –Stephen Colbert

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