Posted by Wordsmith on 1 May, 2011 at 12:00 am. 4 comments already!

April 21-22, 2011

“President Obama is in town, and huge traffic delays are expected all over L.A. Tomorrow he’s back on the East Coast, and huge traffic delays are expected all over L.A.” –Conan O’Brien

“Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson announced his candidacy for the GOP presidential nomination. Because when the other candidates aren’t generating enough excitement, it’s time to bring out Gary Johnson.” –Conan O’Brien

“His real name is Gary Hussein Johnson. That’s where it gets interesting.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is in Los Angeles raising money for his campaign and meeting with Dr. 90210 about an ear tuck.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump has people in Hawaii looking for Obama’s birth certificate. Wouldn’t it be something if it turned out the certificate had been nestling.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Queen Elizabeth turned 85 today. There was an awkward moment when she closed her eyes to make a wish and Prince Charles asked, ‘Is she dead?'” –Craig Ferguson

“The Industrial Revolution destroyed the environment, but now we’re not destroying it as much as we used to. We’re concentrating on destroying the economy instead.” –Craig Ferguson

April 25, 2011

“President Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. It was a little awkward though. Donald Trump showed up and demanded to see each egg’s birth certificate.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A study found Americans spend $1.2 trillion every year on stuff they don’t need. Or as Republicans call it, health care.” –Jimmy Fallon

“New York just passed a law that allows same-sex conjugal visits for prisoners. Isn’t that pretty much what prison is?” –Jimmy Fallon

“The White House Easter egg roll was held yesterday. It was a great opportunity for kids from all over the country to come to the White House and look for the president’s birth certificate.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“St. Louis International Airport was hit directly by a tornado. They determined that tornadoes are no longer a danger, and now we can go back to being endangered by sleeping air traffic controllers.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas.” –Jon Stewart

“In the survey of happiest countries, Denmark, Sweden and Finland were the top three. U.S. came in 12th. Imagine how far our ranking will fall if we ever hear the words ‘President Trump.'” –Craig Ferguson

“A man just tried to hijack a plane, and he had two demands. He wanted them to take him to Libya, and he wanted an extra pillow. Fortunately it didn’t happen. Thank God all the air traffic controllers were asleep.” –David Letterman

“New Jersey had a governor, married, who decided he was a homosexual, and he was having so much fun being a homosexual that he didn’t want to be governor any more, and now he wants to become a Catholic priest. I’m just going to leave the punchline up to you.” –David Letterman

“Every time a kid found an egg, Michelle Obama would make them trade it in for a low cholesterol Egg Beater. They had about 6,000 eggs, and you know who decorated them? Ex-cons. It’s nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress.” –Jay Leno

“There’s now a nationwide shortage of Attention Deficit Disorder drugs. The FDA says it doesn’t know how it happened. I guess somebody wasn’t paying attention.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump says he’s President Obama’s worst nightmare. That’s not true. Having to make a decision is Obama’s worst nightmare.” –Jay Leno

“The Federal Trade Commission says for the 11th year in a row the biggest consumer complaint is identity theft. Which led President Obama to say, “That’s why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate.” –Jay Leno

“A lot of people are worried about the safety of America’s nuclear power plants. It’s important to remember that we’ve never had a full meltdown. We came close with Charlie Sheen, though.” –Jay Leno

April 26, 2011

“A new poll shows that President Obama’s approval rating is down to 41 percent. A lot of people that voted for him now say they liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat.” –Jay Leno

“The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That’s a long trip for Joe Biden.” –Jay Leno

“Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson has announced that he will run for president in 2012. His campaign slogan: ‘Even I’ve never heard of me.'” –Jay Leno

“House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama needs to grow up. And then he burst into tears.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump is now attacking President Obama’s grades, suggesting that he was a poor student. First it was the birth certificate, and now the grades. Trump won’t be happy until he proves that Obama doesn’t exist.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump says President Obama plays too much golf. Trump was playing golf during the interview. Trump says the President should be at work, like negotiating a peace treaty between Gary Busey and Meatloaf.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over three wives.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Libyan government says Moammar Gadhafi is still in ‘high spirits,’ even though his compound was destroyed this week. Most people would be devastated, but here’s the thing — he’s insane.” –Jimmy Fallon

April 27, 2011

“The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump.” –Jay Leno

“Today President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta.” –Jay Leno

“Did you see Donald Trump today? He said, ‘I’m very proud of myself because I accomplished something no one else was able to accomplish.’ So basically Trump is taking credit for President Obama proving that everything Trump has been saying for the last year is a bunch of crap.” –Jay Leno

“After releasing the birth certificate today, he said ‘There’s work to be done, there are real problems in this country, and we don’t have time for this silliness.’ Then he and Michelle got on a plane and flew to Chicago to tape an episode of Oprah.” –Jay Leno

“It’s the 75th anniversary of the introduction of Social Security checks. For the younger viewers who don’t know what a Social Security check is, you’ll never see one in your lifetime, so don’t worry about it.” –Jay Leno

“The man who invented the teleprompter has died at the age of 91. When President Obama heard the news, he was speechless.” –Jay Leno

“Levi Johnston is now writing a book about the Palin family. He’s not writing it himself. He’s using a ghost moron.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama finally showed his birth certificate and it turns out he was born in Hawaii, of all places.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“These people could have personally witnessed him being born out of an apple pie, in the middle of a Kansas wheat field, while Toby Keith sang the National Anthem – and they’d still think he was a Kenyan Muslim.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Next up, we ought to say we don’t believe he’s a man and refuse to let it go until he releases his penis.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I’m surprised Donald Trump isn’t investigating whether Hawaii is an official state. A lot of vowels over there and not enough consonants.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Levi and the publisher already have a title worked out for the book. It’s called ‘I Need Money’ by Levi Johnston.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama released his long-form birth certificate yesterday. So we found the birth certificate. Now it’s on to bin Laden.” –David Letterman

“Fifty percent of Americans think Donald Trump would make a terrible president. The other 50 percent think he would make an awful president.” –David Letterman

“President Obama released his birth certificate today, proving once and for all that he was born in the United States. Yep, the certificate clearly shows that he was born on the all-American street of Kalanianaole Highway at the Kapiolani Hospital in Oahu.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama’s birth certificate to make sure that it’s real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump’s hair.” –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Surprises On Barack Obama’s Birth Certificate”

10. Was born at a luau
9. Parents crossed out original choice for first name, “Gary”
8. Is a triplet, born with sisters Mary-Kate and Ashley Obama
7. Also released as an audiobook read by John Lithgow
6. It’s covered in poi stains
5. Claims he’s a baby when Obama is clearly an adult — It’s a forgery!
4. Under “Conspiracy?” They checked “No”
3. Document notarized by Magnum P.I.
2. Note reads “To be released only at the request of crazy-haired blowhard billionaires”
1. Fine print at bottom: Not an actual birth certificate

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