Sunday Funnies

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Friday Jul 11 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

LeBron James announced that he will be returning to the Cleveland Cavaliers four years after he left the team. That’s right, he’s coming home. LeBron is going back to Cleveland. Or as Cleveland fans put it, “Is there a way to unburn jerseys?”

The Miami Heat’s owner Micky Arison, who also owns Carnival Cruises, said today he’s shocked and disappointed by LeBron’s decision. But I think he’ll be OK. I mean, if there’s anyone who’s used to dealing with a sinking ship . . .

Yesterday Rick Perry told President Obama to go to the U.S.-Mexico border and see the immigration crisis firsthand because Americans expect to see their president when there is a disaster. Which is why today Obama showed up in Miami.

A company in the U.K. is making news for developing a new vegetable called Brussel-Kale, which is a hybrid of Brussels sprouts and kale. They said, “We got the idea from a child’s nightmare.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Tiger Woods is not playing in The Masters this year. Apparently he injured his back “swinging.”

North Korea is negotiating to broadcast the Teletubbies. They have to make changes for North Korean TV. For starters, every episode will end with one of the Teletubbies being executed.

And, of course, every Teletubby will have Kim Jong Un’s haircut.

Piers Morgan is being replaced on CNN by Anthony Bourdain. I hope I’m not punished with a job on CNN.

Monday Jul 14 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday was the big World Cup final between Germany and Argentina. And if you caught only the last couple of minutes of the game, don’t worry — you saw the whole thing.

The World Cup is finally over. In other words, bars are about to start showing sports that make sense again.

During yesterday’s World Cup final, a guy ran onto the field with the phrase “natural born prankster” written on his chest — because nothing says good clean fun like spending the night in a Brazilian prison.

While he was in Cuba this weekend, Vladimir Putin met with Fidel Castro and promised to revive Cuba’s oil industry. Not to be confused with the other thing Cuba’s always having to revive: Fidel Castro.
Conan

Did you all watch soccer yesterday? Guess what? I’m not going to get to ask you that for another four years.

I’m going to miss watching a sport I don’t understand.

Germany won the World Cup. That was the big news. Some of the Germans actually smiled when they watched.

Germany won, but they’re still mad at us for spying on them. So they’re considering going back to using typewriters to avoid being spied on. It’s never good news when Germany says they’re going to go back to their old ways.

Late Show with David Letterman

Germany is your World Cup champions, ladies and gentlemen. The winning German soccer team received a congratulatory phone call from Angela Merkel. Of course we know this because we’re still bugging her phone.

People are going to see the new “Planet of the Apes” movie. It’s in 3-D, and it is so realistic you can barely see the zippers on the backs of the monkey suits.

The new “Planet of the Apes” movie is more fun than a barrel full of people.

LeBron James is going back to Cleveland. In return Cleveland released five Taliban prisoners.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The new “Planet of the Apes” movie made a ton of money over the weekend. It’s about a world dominated by aggressive hairy beasts. Don’t we already have that?

Congratulations, my German friends. They are World Cup champions. People in Germany were going nuts, firing guns into the air, marching up and down the streets. Then they heard about the World Cup win.

Germans haven’t been this excited since the release of the last David Hasselhoff album. They haven’t been this excited since Oktoberfest included an all-you-can-eat wiener buffet.

People in Germany went bonkers. Rumor has it that up to half a dozen Germans actually cracked a smile.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

Well, it was an amazing weekend in sports. LeBron went back to being a Cavalier, Carmelo went back to being a Knick, and soccer went back to being a thing you drive your kids to.

Germany defeated Argentina 1-0 to win the World Cup. German fans went absolutely crazy from 9:00 until 9:15.

Brazil’s coach resigned following the country’s historic 7-1 loss in the World Cup last week. He says he wants to spend more time focusing on not being murdered.

The Orange County Fair in California has started selling bacon-wrapped churros, fried in bacon fat and filled with a half shot of Jack Daniels. I hear they are simply to die of.

Tuesday Jul 15 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

This crazy weather we’ve been having all over the country — it’s because the polar vortex is back. The polar vortex is causing the Midwest to experience fall-like temperatures. I can’t tell if climate change is still a problem or if God just put the Earth on “Shuffle.”

And maybe that’s why the FCC just announced that it wants to overhaul the Emergency Alert System so President Obama would be able to interrupt any TV broadcast and address the country instantly. Which of course raises the question: He can’t do that ALREADY?

They want to make it so the president can instantly interrupt TV broadcasts whenever there’s breaking news. Then Obama said, “And I mean REAL breaking news, not that CNN stuff.”

The number of pot delivery services has tripled in the last three years because more states are easing their marijuana laws. And the first person who figures out how to combine that with a pizza delivery service will be our country’s first trillionaire.
Conan

To avoid being spied on by the NSA, Germany is considering using typewriters now to communicate so we can’t spy on them. Germany says they may even go further back and start using AOL accounts.

Authorities at the airport in Los Angeles intercepted an illegal shipment of 67 live giant African snails. It’s being called the world’s slowest perp walk.

According to a dating app, Amazon employees are more desirable than employees at other tech companies. Plus, if you sleep with one, they will recommend someone else you might also like.

Kim Kardashian has a new iPhone app that experts say could make her $200 million this year. But keep in mind she has to give 10 percent to her manager, 10 percent to her agent, and 10 percent to Satan.

Late Show with David Letterman

Pope Francis is considering repealing celibacy for priests. Priests will no longer have to take a vow of celibacy. See what you can accomplish when you don’t have Congress standing in your way?

They’re still talking about the World Cup. I think it would have broader appeal here in the United States if you could use your hands AND your feet.

So the old Pope from Germany and the present Pope from Argentina got together at the Vatican and watched the World Cup together. We even have the footage — they’re praying over a pizza.

Congratulations to Germany! They have now won four World Cup soccer championships. But — they are still O for 2 in world wars.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a new study, one in four Americans admits to not exercising at all. As a result, one in four Americans is actually TWO in four Americans.

The border crisis continues. And a new poll shows the majority of Americans disapprove of how President Obama is dealing with immigration. Of course, those numbers could change if he lets more people into America.

Over the weekend, firefighters in Minnesota rescued a woman who had been stuck in quicksand for over 14 hours. So, not the quickest sand.

Today, Archie Comics publishers revealed that in Wednesday’s issue, comic book icon Archie will die trying to stop an assassination attempt on his gay friend. Not to be outdone, Snoopy will die by taking a shiv in the ribs for Peppermint Patty.

Wednesday Jul 16 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

President Obama called German Chancellor Angela Merkel yesterday to talk about improving relations with our country after this latest spying scandal. Obama made her a pretty good offer. He said, “Look, we’ll stop spying if we can borrow your soccer team.”

Speaking of Obama, yesterday Congressman Raul Labrador said that impeaching President Obama isn’t a good idea, because, quote, “no one wants President Joe Biden.” And that’s when Biden realized why Obama picked him as a running mate.

I just saw that minor league baseball players have filed a class-action lawsuit to demand better pay — as opposed to the OTHER way they could get better pay: being better at baseball.
Conan

A major wildfire in northern California is now being blamed on marijuana farmers. Everyone in the region’s really angry about it — unless they’re downwind, then they’re totally cool.

There’s currently a petition to split California into several states. Among the new states would be Botoxia, Pornsylvania, and of course, the Commonwealth of Kardashiania.

The drought is so bad, we’re taking extreme measures in two weeks. That is the most California thing I have ever heard of. This is serious, man!

This drought — we’re in big trouble. We’re going to do something about it eventually, if we feel like it!

Late Show with David Letterman

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is in Iowa campaigning at a big cookout because this is what you do if you want to be president. He’s out there all day telling people the hotdog line is closed for a traffic study.

If you are attending this campaign cookout in Iowa, please, this is sort of like the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Do not get between the governor and the potato salad.

The New York City Fire Department calendar is here and it’s sizzling. A full year of shirtless, hunky heroes. Also available, the companion calendar: just the shirts. All the sexy shirts the firefighters weren’t wearing.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

Yesterday, Iran asked the U.S. for an extension on disabling their nuclear program. When asked how much time they needed, they said, “10, 9, 8…”

This week Dick Cheney called President Obama “the worst president of my lifetime.” Oh come on, Obama may not be perfect, but there’s no way he’s worse than John Quincy Adams.

Today, Lay’s announced that cappuccino is one of the finalists for their new chip flavor contest. And if you think that sounds bad, wait until you try Starbucks’ new Sour Cream and Onion Latte.

Thursday Jul 17 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

This week, our pal Rob Ford faced off against his four challengers in a debate for Toronto mayor. His opponents were, of course, pretty critical of his performance, but Ford said, “Hey, my record slurs for itself.”

Chris Christie warned against presidential candidates running too soon. Then earthquake experts warned Chris Christie against running at all. “Cities just aren’t equipped to deal with it.”

President Obama said that his strategy for foreign policy is to be patient and determined. Which is also his strategy when it comes to Biden’s bedtime.

There are reports that Amazon is coming out with a new service for the Kindle that will be like a Netflix for books. You can look at a bunch of different books but you don’t have to buy them. Or, as Barnes & Noble calls that, “Our business model.”

Late Show with David Letterman

People love the new Pope, but I think it’s safe to say he’s gone crazy. Now he’s thinking about doing away with celibacy for priests. Are you like me? Are you thinking “Real Housewives of the Vatican?”

I don’t know if this is a good idea or not. Do you really want a priest showing up for the last rites with a date?

Now the FCC wants to update the Emergency Alert System so the president can interrupt any TV program. “We interrupt this program so the president can tell America what he had for lunch: a good bowl of matzo ball soup. This concludes today’s presidential lunch update.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s not only David Hasselhoff’s birthday, it’s also the birthday of Angela Merkel, the chancellor of Germany. One is Germany’s most powerful leader, but is not afraid to look feminine. And the other one is Angela Merkel.

It’s a great day for a man in Brazil. He’s 126 and has been called the world’s oldest person. He says the highlight of his life was playing goalie for Brazil in this year’s World Cup.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today is the 30th anniversary of the National Minimum Drinking Age Act, which raised the drinking age to 21. Also turning 30 today: a 16-year-old boy, according to his fake ID.

A federal judge ruled yesterday that California’s version of the death penalty is unconstitutional. Apparently the difference is California’s version has avocado on it.

According to a new report, 81 percent of people would cheat on their partner if there were no consequences, while 19 percent of people are pretty sure this is a test.

Even though both Israel and Hamas fired on one another during the five-hour humanitarian period yesterday, the U.N. secretary general said both sides “mostly respected” the cease-fire. That’s like leaving the house without pants and saying you’re “mostly dressed.”

Source

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5 Responses to “Sunday Funnies”

  1. 3

    Nanny G

    After so many years and so much proof, it is great to finally see mainstream political cartoonists pointing out the obvious about Hamas’ use of human shields.

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