Sunday Funnies

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Friday Jun 20 2014
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Happy birthday to Lionel Richie. He turns 65 today. He is getting up there. He’s gone from “Dancing on the Ceiling” to “Rubbing in the Ointment.” He’s gone from “Dancing on the Ceiling” to “Falling in the Shower.”

A big movie opened today. I’m very excited about it. “Jersey Boys.” It’s based on the Broadway play. It’s about the hot musical group all the kids love — Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons.

Their biggest hit was “Big Girls Don’t Cry.” It came out in 1962, the year I was born. That’s why my nickname growing up was “Big girl.”

To be honest, I don’t know how well “Jersey Boys” is going to do. People in Los Angeles can’t relate to a movie about Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Because people here have no idea what a season is.

This movie is directed by Clint Eastwood. It’s great to see Clint Eastwood back in the director’s chair, instead of yelling at chairs.

Monday Jun 23 2014
Conan

Over the weekend Pope Francis implied that the Mafia should be excommunicated. In a related story, the Pope is missing. And nobody saw nothin’.

After a tie with Portugal in the World Cup, the U.S. soccer team now faces Germany on Thursday. And if the U.S. team beats Germany, they advance. If they lose, Americans go back to hating soccer again.

That’s the nice thing about the World Cup. We can be invested if we win. If we lose it’s like: Oh, it’s soccer, I don’t care.

President Obama said he wants his daughters to work minimum wage jobs because it builds character. The president then announced he will be raising the minimum wage to $50 an hour.

Late Show with David Letterman

Last week Pope Francis excommunicated all members of the Mafia. I believe his exact phrase was, “Eh, no dice.”

After the Pope’s announcement about the Mafia, the first thing I thought was: Well, good luck starting the Popemobile.

Kraft is recalling 260 cases of Velveeta cheese. Problems with the ignition switch.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It was not a great weekend for the American soccer fan. We’re still recovering from a draw with Portugal, 2-2. It was a long game, four points total, and America didn’t win. If that doesn’t get people to start watching soccer, nothing will.

People are disappointed by the World Cup match. I haven’t seen this much disappointment since they announced Ben Affleck was playing Batman. Since Justin Bieber avoided jail. Since Honey Boo Boo’s family went to a vegan restaurant. Since Whole Foods in L.A. ran out of kale.

A tie in the World Cup puts the U.S. in a tough spot because the next game isn’t until Thursday, so people in L.A. have to pretend to care about soccer for another 72 hours.

People in L.A. are saying, “I’m really worried about the game. And also that Whole Foods ran out of kale.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Did you watch the match between United States and Portugal? I don’t know if I’m supposed to be happy or not. It ended in a tie. For a short time Americans cared about soccer.

As weird as it sounds, that tie might be the biggest win in U.S. soccer history. The U.S. will advance to the next round with a win or a tie against Germany, or if Ghana and Portugal tie on Thursday, or if the goal differential, which is the total of points, falls in our favor, or if any one of the other teams gets malaria.

The World Cup is very confusing. It could take up to a month after the final game to figure out who won.

Tuesday Jun 24 2014
Conan

At the World Cup, Uruguay’s Luis Suarez bit a player from Italy’s team. It’s the third time he’s done it. The last time he bit a Chinese player and then claimed he was hungry an hour later.

Yesterday Michelle Obama said she wants Americans to elect a woman president “as soon as possible.” So even she has had enough of President Obama.

Yesterday Starbucks introduced their new decaf soda called Fizzio. It’s an Italian word that means “tastes OK, costs too much.”

Late Show with David Letterman

I did some historical research today. Adolf Hitler, it turns out, was delinquent in his income taxes. He owed over $3 million in taxes. Boy, you think you know somebody.

And not only that, but Hitler was forced to sell his NBA team.

I am excited about the World Cup and the U.S. soccer team. But I will admit there are nuances to the game that are lost on me. For example, the United States has won one game, tied one game. They play Germany, and if they tie Germany 0-0, they advance to the finals. It’s just that exciting, ladies and gentlemen.

They had a fundraising softball game at Yankee Stadium over the weekend, and do you know who played? New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. He had a great day at the plate. I’m talking about lunch.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

At the World Cup a guy bit another guy. I didn’t know soccer was a game where you could bite other men.

There are rules to the game of soccer. You can’t go around behaving like Dracula — although that would be great, Dracula as a soccer player.

Italy was eliminated from the World Cup. Italians were running through the streets waving their hands around, screaming at each other. Then they heard about the World Cup.

The cast of “Game of Thrones” had a very special visitor — Queen Elizabeth. A lot of the Royals on “Game of Thrones” get offed. It leads me to believe this visit was arranged by Prince Charles.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

During the World Cup today, Uruguay forward Luis Suarez bit an Italian player. Last year he got a 10-game suspension for biting a player. Now he bit an Italian. One or two bites is one thing. But when you bite three people, I think that’s considered to be a spree, right?

The World Cup incident might even be classified as a vampire attack. And let’s face it, Italian food is delicious.

LeBron James’ agent said LeBron will become a free agent on July 1. Can a guy who makes more than $20 million technically be a free agent?

Wouldn’t it be funny if he went back to Cleveland? That would be like getting back together with an ex and pretending nothing happened.

Wednesday Jun 25 2014
Conan

The World Cup has an official song. The official anthem is “We Will Find a Way.” It narrowly beat out the other contender, “I Feel Someone’s Teeth in My Shoulder.”

Luis Suarez, the Uruguayan player who bit an opponent, may get banned for two years. On the plus side, he has just signed a million-dollar endorsement deal to promote rabies.

Both the U.S. and German teams have very good goalies, so many are predicting a very low-scoring game tomorrow. So don’t expect to see another one of those 1-0 blowouts.

England was knocked out of the World Cup. It’s the most English people wiped out at one time since the last episode of “Game of Thrones.”

Late Show with David Letterman

During the World Cup, Uruguay is playing Italy and one of their players bites an Italian player. How many of you folks have ever been bitten by a Uruguayan?

FIFA, the world soccer governing body, says the guy who did the biting has to wear one of those dog cones for the rest of the tournament.

A guy outside of a McDonald’s tried to break up a fight and he got stabbed in the back. He then took out his cellphone and called a buddy. This gives you an idea how bad crime is in New York City. People don’t even notice now when they’ve been stabbed.

The guy goes back into the McDonald’s with the knife sticking out of his back and he says, “Is there a McDoctor in the house?”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

In England a major highway had to be closed yesterday because a truck overturned. And the truck was filled with instant mashed potatoes. I was thinking that there must be a joke in this, but I couldn’t think of one.

A truck overturned full of mashed potatoes — thank God this didn’t happen in Los Angeles. They’d be saying, “Oh no, carbs. Carbs are falling! Quick, someone overturn a truck full of kale. No, don’t waste the kale.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live

The big story at the World Cup is a player from Uruguay who appeared to bite a player from Italy on the shoulder. Either that or he’s a very bad kisser.

The player from Uruguay was suspended for biting twice before. FIFA, the governing body for soccer, is determining whether they’ll suspend him again. That to me is ridiculous. If he did it a third time, just pull his teeth.

A piece of rock ‘n’ roll history was sold yesterday. Some of Bob Dylan’s handwritten lyrics from 1965 went up for auction and got $2 million. Paying $2 million for Bob Dylan lyrics is a good way to know that Bob Dylan would have hated you in 1965.

The reason the Dylan lyrics are so valuable is because if you buy them, you’ll be the only one in the world who knows what Dylan is singing.

Thursday Jun 26 2014
Conan

The U.S. lost to Germany today, but because FIFA rules dictate that teams get one point for a tie, three points for a win, and zero points for a loss, and both the U.S. and Portugal had a score of four, and because the U.S. had a higher goal differential, the U.S. still advances. That’s the rules — and that in a nutshell is why Americans don’t follow soccer.

FIFA has announced that Luis Suarez, the player who bit an opponent, will be banned for nine games, or as Suarez put it, “nine meals.”

A man walked into McDonald’s with a knife in his back. Yeah, with a knife in his back. His heart wasn’t in danger until he ordered the food, said doctors.

Lindsay Lohan is going to be making her stage debut in London. Lohan is looking forward to England because she already drives on the wrong side of the road.

Late Show with David Letterman

NBC is making a movie about the Beatles. However, they will not be allowed to use the Beatles music and they will not be allowed to use the Beatles likenesses. Other than that it’s a green light all the way.

Earlier tonight was the NBA draft. That means at least a few college kids will have jobs.

Even if you are not a basketball fan, tune into the NBA draft if you can because it’s a great opportunity to see Kardashian future ex-husbands.

The Washington Redskins are being pressured to change their name. Well, they haven’t had much luck in the last four or five seasons. They’re kind of stumbling. They can’t get out of their own way. How about the “Washington Congress”?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The American men’s soccer team advanced to the knockout round in the World Cup after a victorious defeat by Germany.

People in L.A. can’t stop pretending to be soccer fans just yet.

It was so wet during the World Cup game that dolphins were getting stuck in the net. It was so wet that I saw Russell Crowe float by in an ark. It was so wet the new U.S. goalie is Aquaman. So wet the winners received a ShamWow!

The next opponent for the U.S. will be Belgium. The Belgians are favored over the U.S. But so far, the Belgians have been cagey about saying if they think they’ll win. That’s right, the Belgians are waffling.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

The U.S. team was back in the World Cup today and played Germany. It was a highly anticipated match. The last time they squared off, Tom Hanks died so Matt Damon could go home.

Germany beat the U.S. 1-0. But the good news is, no one was bitten in this game. Even though the U.S. lost, they still advance to the next round because in soccer, nothing makes sense at all. There’s no rhyme or reason for it.

That player from Uruguay, Luis Suarez, who bit the Italian player, has been suspended for nine games and banned for all soccer-related events for four months. They’re also putting him on soft food for a while.

Tonight is the NBA draft, also known as “Purchase a Giant Day.” Cleveland had the No. 1 overall pick and took Andrew Wiggins from the University of Kansas, who has already announced plans to leave the team to play in Miami.


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