Sunday Funnies

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Friday Jun 06 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Last night was Game 1 of the NBA Finals between the Miami Heat and the San Antonio Spurs. The air conditioning stopped working during the game, which made it feel like 90 degrees inside. Or as football players, baseball players, tennis players, soccer players, and runners put it, “Must be rough.”

That’s right, LeBron James sat on the bench for the final four minutes of the game. And what’s crazy is his teammates still kept passing him the ball.

I can’t believe how hot it got during that game. It was so hot that even the LOSING team dumped Gatorade on its coach.

Tomorrow is the Belmont Stakes. California Chrome will try to become the first horse in 36 years to win the Triple Crown. And he’s going to have to do it without air conditioning.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It is a great day here in Los Angeles. Gay Pride Weekend starts today, and Sunday night right here on CBS is the Tony Awards. Coincidence?

The new Tom Cruise movie opens today. It’s called “Edge of Tomorrow.” Tom Cruise is an intergalactic warrior fighting to save our planet from aliens. I have no idea who he plays in the movie.

“Edge of Tomorrow” is about a guy who’s forced to relive the same thing over and over and over again, day after day after day. I can’t relate at all.

Today’s a great day for Sweden. It’s their “National Day.” It’s the day Sweden celebrates independence from Denmark. Sweden’s about 400 miles from Russia. That means they’ve still got a few years before Putin gets to them.

Monday Jun 09 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton said she wants to travel this year, and won’t make any announcements about her plans to run for president until 2015. When asked where she’ll travel, she said, “New Hampshire, Iowa, and maybe spend a few months in Florida.”

President Obama faced some criticism for chewing gum during a D-Day ceremony. He said, “Sorry, but if I don’t get my Nicorette, there’s going to be another war on this beach.”

Last night “A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder” won the Tony Award for best musical. It’s about a wealthy man who wants to eliminate all the heirs in his family so he can take over. Or as Prince Charles put it, “Go on . . .”

Actress Audra McDonald broke Angela Lansbury’s record last night when she won her sixth Tony Award. She’s got more Tonys than a beach in New Jersey.
Conan

Scientists have developed a robot that can converse exactly like a teenager. When the scientists unveiled the robot, it screamed “I hate you” and slammed the door to its room.

The winner of the Miss USA Pageant is Miss Nevada. She has a black belt in Taekwondo. Actually, she wasn’t technically the winner, but she made the winner give her the crown.

In North Carolina, an obese man was caught hiding 40 bags of heroin in the folds of his stomach. Something tells me he is not on heroin.

Late Show with David Letterman

Hillary Clinton has a new book out on her experiences as secretary of state. Instead of a book jacket, her book is wearing a pantsuit.

Over the weekend, a Tony Award went to “The Late Show With David Letterman.” The category: best waste of a Broadway theater.

There is a new study involving rats. It turns out that rats actually can understand the feeling of regret. Thank God we got to the bottom of that.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Los Angeles Kings are up 2-0 in the Stanley Cup Finals. Everyone in L.A. is pretending to like hockey now. They say things like, “Oh, this is so awesome. Hockey is the new kale!”

L.A. hockey fans are more excited than Donald Sterling at a white sale.

California Chrome, the prize thoroughbred, came up short in his bid for racing’s Triple Crown. But don’t feel bad for California Chrome. Remember, he’s still got two more crowns than Prince Charles.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Hillary Clinton said she would make her decision on running for president “by the end of the year.” Specifically, the year 1998.

Vladimir Putin’s personal envoy said that allowing Finland to join NATO could lead to World War III. Yes, if there’s one country that’s definitely going to start World War III, it’s Finland.

On Friday the CIA launched its official Twitter account. Which means that you could receive this terrifying email: “The CIA is now following you.”

A man in Florida was arrested after he was caught wearing the swimsuit of a woman whose house had just been burglarized. Even worse for that woman, it looked better on him.

Tuesday Jun 10 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

President Obama’s daughter Sasha turned 13 years old today. That means that now he has two teenage girls. But thanks to Congress, he’s used to people ignoring him.

Paramount is planning to re-release “Forrest Gump” this year to celebrate the movie’s 20th anniversary. So it’ll be back in theaters. Which is great because before if you wanted to see “Forrest Gump,” you had to turn on your TV at literally any time of day.

Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey.

A guy in New York is selling the world’s largest video game collection, which includes 11,000 games. He doesn’t really want to sell it, but he needs some way to pay for the divorce.
Conan

The L.A. Kings are one game away from winning their second Stanley Cup in three years. Here’s what’s interesting. In other cities when the hockey team wins the championship, rowdy fans overturn cars. In Los Angeles, rowdy fans UNPLUG cars.

Donald Sterling has reversed his decision to sell the Clippers to Steve Ballmer, the former CEO of Microsoft. If Sterling gets his way, the deal will fall through and Ballmer won’t be able to buy the team. When asked about it, Ballmer said, “That’s OK. I’m used to things freezing and then crashing.”

A Whole Foods store in New York will start offering customers cocktails while they shop. It’s part of Whole Foods’ new slogan, “You’d have to be drunk to pay these prices.”

One of the top people in a Mexican drug cartel is a woman who apparently looks exactly like Kim Kardashian. The only difference is the head of the drug cartel has a job and is less of a threat to America.

Late Show with David Letterman

President Obama went for a walk and went to a Starbucks. If this guy can afford coffee at Starbucks, the economy must be improving.

The president was sitting there having his coffee with his laptop open, arranging another deal for Taliban prisoners.

President Obama had a cup of his favorite coffee — the Kenyan Socialist.

You know the carriage rides you can take in New York City? One of those horses got loose, was running around Central Park, and slammed right into a cab. It’s been a tough couple of days for California Chrome.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Donald Sterling is trying to back out of selling the Clippers. If that weren’t enough, he’s suing the NBA for $1 billion. I haven’t seen a senile old man fight like this since the last “Expendables” movie.

Clippers fans are nervous. How nervous are they? They’re more nervous than Scooby-Doo at Michael Vick’s house. They’re more nervous than the “Duck Dynasty” crew at a gay pride parade. They’re more nervous than Jay-Z in an elevator with Solange. They’re more nervous than Nicole Kidman during a Botox shortage.

The Canadian police are hunting for three inmates who escaped from prison in Quebec using a helicopter. How do you sneak a helicopter into prison? “Are you here to see someone? What do you got there? Is that a helicopter in your pants?”
Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Obama surprised tourists by walking to a Starbucks near the White House. Even more surprising, he traded five Taliban members for a grande soy latte.

A Connecticut woman was arrested after she sent her son to school with a grenade for his World War II-related show and tell. Though I’d say the school was asking for trouble when they planned a World War II-related show and tell.

LEGO revealed that many of its executives use customized LEGO figures that resemble themselves in lieu of business cards. Which explains why their assistants always get calls asking, “Can I speak to Mr. Yellow Head, Brown Hair?”

Wednesday Jun 11 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

For the second day in a row, President Obama made an unscheduled trip out of the White House, this time for a burger at a nearby restaurant. Obama wants to be OUT of the White House more than Hillary wants to be IN it. Well, almost.

“Game of Thrones” author George R. R. Martin joined Twitter this week. He already has 80,000 followers — and that’s just the cast of “Game of Thrones.”

Donald Sterling said he’s fighting the sale of the Clippers because the NBA is a “band of hypocrites” and “despicable monsters.” He added, “And those are my kind of people. Please don’t make me leave.”

Father’s Day is this weekend. And get this: The average American will spend $113 on a gift for Father’s Day. Or in other words, none of us are average Americans. I get my dad the same thing every year: a six-pack and a scratch-off ticket. And if he wins, we split it.

Late Show with David Letterman

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was defeated in the primary election. He spent $5 million on his primary campaign. Ladies and gentlemen, what is wrong with this country when you can no longer buy an election?

While trying to get re-elected, Eric Cantor spent $168,000 on steakhouses. Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie said, “That’s all?”

It is the 20th anniversary of the O.J. Simpson arrest. That trial just went on and on. And when they announced the verdict, 300 million people were watching. Today they all remember exactly where they were when they said, “YOU’RE KIDDING!!”

Later in his life O.J. Simpson was arrested, tried, and convicted. He is in prison now for stealing sports memorabilia. Double homicide, not a problem. Stealing sports memorabilia — that’ll get you in the slammer.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Kim and Kanye are on their honeymoon. It’s going to last until this weekend. Not their honeymoon. Their marriage.

Kim and Kanye are honeymooning in Mexico. Republicans and Democrats agree that if there’s ever a time to seal the border, this is it.

I have an idea. While Kim and Kanye are out of the country, we should all hide. Then they’ll come back and say, “Hey, look at us” — and then they’ll say, “Hey, there is nobody here” — and then maybe they’ll go to another country. Hey, it’s just a thought.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

The campaign manager who helped unseat House Majority Leader Eric Cantor last night is a 23-year-old man who interviewed for a job at Panera Bread last month. Said Cantor, “Is that position still available?”

Hillary Clinton said she may not run for president because she loves having time to hang out with her friends. Thankfully, most of her friends live in Iowa, New Hampshire, Ohio, Florida, and the great state of Pennsylvania.

A new study shows that red wine can boost short-term memory. Three or four glasses, and you’re guaranteed to remember your ex’s phone number.

Thursday Jun 12 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost Virginia’s Republican primary to a tea party candidate. And get this. It was revealed that Cantor’s campaign actually spent more money at steakhouses than his opponent spent on his entire campaign. Or as one of my guests tonight put it, “So? What’s wrong with that?” Hey, I’m talking about Chris Rock, not Chris Christie.

The New York Rangers beat the L.A. Kings in Game 4 last night to stay alive in the Stanley Cup Finals. So they now trail 3 games to 1. Or as they say in hockey, they’re hanging on by the skin of their tooth.

Today was the start of the World Cup. It’s that special time of the year when Americans in bars shrug, “Well, I guess we’re watching this now.”

Father’s Day is just a few days away. And in a new interview President Obama said that he is a fun dad who teeters on the edge of embarrassing his kids. Because nothing says you’re a fun dad like SAYING you’re a fun dad.
Conan

Since House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost to an anti-immigration candidate, many Republicans are feeling pressure to take a harder stance on immigration. In fact, the Republicans are so paranoid, today Chris Christie sent back his chimichanga.

George H.W. Bush turned 90 today and he celebrated by jumping out of a plane. Isn’t that cool? So if you include Obama there were two presidents in freefall today.

Hey, America’s in the World Cup. Did you even know that? Experts say they have less than a 1 percent chance of winning the World Cup, and even their coach said winning is not realistic — all of which sounds like one hell of a pre-game pep talk.

According to a new study, the number of car crashes linked to marijuana has risen. Fortunately, when the cars crashed they were all going eight miles per hour.

Late Show with David Letterman

Barbara Walters retired last week and now she’s come back out of retirement. Isn’t that crazy? She’s going to play one more season for the Jets.

The world’s oldest man lived to 111. He passed away. Boy, I didn’t see that coming.

You know who’s on the show tonight? Regis Philbin. This guy is difficult to book. We had to trade five Taliban prisoners to get Regis.

You know who is in trouble? Radio Shack. But I love going into Radio Shack. And the reason I go there is to ask directions to Best Buy.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The World Cup started today. People in Los Angeles are torn. They are not sure if they should be pretending to care about soccer or hockey.

The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff.

The Russians will probably do well at the World Cup. Today Vladimir Putin gave the Russian team a motivational speech. He said, “Remember, if you can’t beat ’em — invade ’em.”

The World Cup is not the only thing on TV. Nearly 5 million people watched the season premiere of “Duck Dynasty” last night. On last night’s show, the governor of Louisiana gave the cast an award. I’m not sure which award. I’m guessing it’s not a Tony.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today is the start of the World Cup in Brazil. I know you guys know that. I’m telling Brazil. “Hurry up. Finish the stadium!”

The World Cup starts today, which means you’re all about to find out which of your friends lived in Europe for a year.

Scientists have created a mutant version of the deadly 1918 Spanish flu virus in an effort to better understand how pandemics start. I’m not a scientist, but this is how pandemics start.

A man in Virginia Beach has started protesting road conditions while dressed as Spider-Man on his days off. Something tells me he has a lot of days off.

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