Sunday Funnies

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Friday May 30 2014
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s a great day here in Los Angeles, the City of Angels, the giant urban crap heap.

Clippers fans are celebrating their new owner, billionaire Steve Ballmer. Even though Ballmer is from Seattle, he promises to keep the Clippers in L.A. That’s a relief. Otherwise L.A. wouldn’t have a professional basketball team. I mean, well, I suppose there are the Lakers.

It makes sense that Ballmer would own a basketball team. He’s got “Ball” in his name. That would be like Tom Cruise buying a cruise ship. Or Tiger Woods buying a zoo.

Monday Jun 02 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Marijuana dispensaries in San Jose, California, will give out free weed to people who vote in tomorrow’s municipal election. Which should backfire when the winner of the election is “Pizza.”

Newly leaked documents show the NSA has been collecting millions of pictures of people online for its sophisticated facial recognition program. Americans said it’s a huge violation of their privacy — then they went back to posting selfies every 30 minutes.

President Obama said Hillary Clinton would be very effective if she ran for president. And Joe Biden said, “Thank you very — wait, what?”

In a new interview, President Obama revealed that his daughter Malia recently went to her first prom. She wore a corsage on her wrist while her date wore a red laser dot on his head.
Conan

Today Apple announced a new feature that will let your iPhone monitor your diet and track your calorie intake. Or you can pay extra for an iPhone that minds its own business. Can you imagine Siri talking to you like, “Hey, Chunky.”

Spain’s king, Juan Carlos, has stepped down from the throne to make way for his son, who is more popular. Which, by the way, would be the worst “Game of Thrones” episode ever.

In Texas a family was attacked by a swarm of bees in a town called Beeville. That’s true. The family said they’re fed up with Beeville and they’re moving to Wolftown.

A lot of people this weekend were talking about the hammock bear, a bear that wandered into someone’s backyard and got into their hammock. It’s very sweet. He’s like, “what do I do now?” The bear is having a midlife crisis. “What does it all mean?”

Late Show with David Letterman

In New York City it’s now legal to own a ferret, ladies and gentlemen. I’m telling you, it’s just a matter of time before ferrets are pulling carriages through Central Park.

Now Donald Sterling is backpedaling and he’s trying to prove to the world that he’s not a racist, so on Sunday he attended services at a black church in California. He enjoyed himself so much that he bought it.

There was some confusion when Donald Sterling arrived at the church. He couldn’t find the skybox.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Justin Bieber was caught on tape making a racist joke. In Bieber’s defense, the video was made when he was young and stupid.

Since word of this got out, Bieber has received a ton of criticism. And also an Instagram request from Donald Sterling. In fact, Bieber should receive the same punishment as Donald Sterling. Someone should give him $2 billion.

We’re learning more about the sale of the L.A. Clippers. Insiders say it came down to a bidding war between Steve Ballmer and Oprah. I’ll let you guess who Donald Sterling rooted for.

Last weekend Donald Sterling attended an African-American church. This was like seeking Mel Gibson at a Hanukkah party, like seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger at an acting class, like seeing the “Duck Dynasty” guys in a gay pride parade.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

This week it was announced that golfer Phil Mickelson is under investigation by the FBI for insider trading of Clorox stock. By the way, insider trading of Clorox stock by a professional golfer is the whitest collar crime possible.

The Clippers are gonna be bought by the former CEO of Microsoft. Apparently he’s looking for something to occupy himself while Windows is installing “critical updates.”

This morning President Obama announced a new 600-page proposal to lower carbon emissions and help stop global warming. Step one: Stop printing 600-page proposals.

This Sunday, Donald Sterling attended services at a traditionally black church in Los Angeles. And just today, the church was sold for $2 billion.

Tuesday Jun 03 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Pope Francis is now telling married couples to have children, because only having pets could lead to anger or bitterness in old age. As opposed to having kids, which leads to anger AND bitterness in old age.

Last Friday CNN had its worst 10 p.m. ratings of all time, with only 35,000 viewers tuning in. I left it on for my dog, and when I came back, she was reading a newspaper.

CNN got just 35,000 viewers. Even worse, most of those views came from monitors left on in the background on CNN.

Tim Tebow said that he’s staying in shape in case he gets another opportunity to play in the NFL. Then his boss said, “That’s great, but these Waffle Tacos ain’t going to make themselves, so . . .”
Conan

A new study just came out that shows that hurricanes named after women are more deadly. Mainly because when they leave, they take half your stuff.

Pope Francis said that married people should have more kids. When asked for comment, married people said the Pope should have a kid and then get back to us.

There’s reportedly a film in the works about Edward Snowden. Then today the script was leaked by Edward Snowden.

A new report out of Chicago reveals that the crime rate plummets during an NFL game. Mainly because the most dangerous criminals are busy on the field.

Late Show with David Letterman

Lindsey Lohan is moving to London. Before long, she’ll be slurring in a British accent.

The United States has traded an American POW for five Taliban prisoners. Originally, the deal included Joe Biden, but the Taliban said no.

So these Taliban guys have been down there in Gitmo and now they’re on their way home. They’re flying home. How would you like to get stuck behind these guys at airport security?

I think the second term is getting to President Obama. He is saying that he wishes he could be anonymous. And I say: Hey, according to the new approval ratings, you’re pretty close.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

President Obama is in Poland. He’s not doing anything official. He just wants to go before Putin invades. Poland shares a border with Ukraine, which shares a border with Russia. It’s kind of like living two doors down from Alec Baldwin. Eventually you’re getting attacked, right?

Happy birthday to CNN’s Anderson Cooper. Friends threw him a party today. There was an awkward moment when they yelled “Surprise!” and he said, “What, somebody’s watching CNN?”

The man who created the drug Ecstasy died at the ripe old age of 88. See, kids? That’s what drugs will do to you.

In Massachusetts, a 3-month-old German shepherd drove his owner’s car into a pond. Let me be the first to say, “Bad dog!”
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Statistics for the 47 most damaging hurricanes revealed that those with female names killed twice as many people. The study found that when a hurricane has a woman’s name we take it less seriously and don’t prepare as well. Either that or the female hurricanes want to hang around and cuddle afterwards.

Last week Apple bought Beats headphones for $3 billion. Guess what? They already lost it. They think they left it on the plane.

Yesterday Apple unveiled its new operating system for the Mac Yosemite. It monitors your heart rate, weight, and sleep — and if you sit on it, it can give you a colonoscopy.

A new book called “Rebels: City of Indra” from Kylie and Kendall Jenner was released today. That’s right. Kylie and Kendall Jenner wrote a book, according to loose definitions of the words “wrote” and “book.” Listen, I agree to keep up with the Kardashians, but my contract said nothing about having to keep tabs on the Jenners too.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

A new study shows hurricanes with female names are more fatal because people subconsciously assume that they are less dangerous. Though I’d bet people would evacuate pretty quickly for Hurricane Solange.

The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group has posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you’ve gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you’re wearing too many scarves.

Donald Sterling is now facing another lawsuit after a former aide filed for sexual harassment yesterday. Apparently, he told her she was so sexy that he wouldn’t mind if she brought black guys to Clippers games.

Yesterday French President Francois Hollande announced that he will be having two consecutive dinners on Thursday night in order to keep President Obama and Vladimir Putin separate. It’s an old trick he learned from having a wife and a mistress.

Wednesday Jun 04 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals with the L.A. Kings playing the New York Rangers. California Gov. Jerry Brown said if the Rangers win he’ll give New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo a package of rice cakes. Cuomo would give Brown some chicken-wing sauce if the Kings win. That’s just crap in their pantries that no one ate.

French President Francois Hollande will host two dinners tomorrow night, the first one for President Obama, followed by one for Vladimir Putin. Hollande was pretty worried about keeping them separate. Then his girlfriend and his mistress said, “You’ll figure it out.”

A Republican candidate for Congress in Arizona, who is white, recently changed his name to Cesar Chavez to appeal to Latino voters. It backfired when Arizona’s governor immediately deported him.

The World Cup starts next week. A wildlife center in China says that its baby panda will correctly predict the outcome of the World Cup games. When asked what will happen, the panda said, “None of the stadiums will be ready and all the games will be canceled.”
Conan

Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.

The co-founder of Burt’s Bees was forced out of the company for having an affair with an employee. He says everyone should mind their own beeswax.

That’s right, the co-founder of Burt’s Bees was forced out of the company for having an affair with an employee. In his defense, he was just trying to explain to her the story of the Burts and the bees.

You want more? Hey, the co-founder of Burt’s Bees was forced out of the company for having an affair with an employee. He was caught during a sting operation.

Late Show with David Letterman

We bring back a POW, Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, from Afghanistan and to get him back we traded five Taliban thugs. And now everybody’s gone crazy. People say it’s the most controversial trade that has taken place since NBC traded me here to CBS.

These guys were down in Gitmo and now they get freed after 10 or 15 years. So now they’re released and they get to fly home. And I’m thinking, if you go to the airport and you’re stuck behind these guys in security, good luck.

When they sent the Taliban thugs back to Qatar, they got picked up in a stretch camel.

I hope California Chrome wins horse racing’s Triple Crown this weekend. I’ll tell you why. I really have trouble remembering the Double Crown winners.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There are rumors that Robert Pattinson from the “Twilight” movies may be the next Indiana Jones. If there is one thing I want with my rugged action heroes, it’s a little bit of sparkle!

I think Robert Pattinson would make a great Indiana Jones. Instead of searching for the lost ark, he could go searching for a deal on moisturizer.

Instead of battling Nazis, Pattinson could battle flyaway bangs.

Today is National Cheese Day. A lot of celebrities are very excited. There’s Monterey Jack Nicholson. Rush Limburger. Brie-oncé. Mozzar-Ellen DeGeneres. And Parma-Sean Connery.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

This summer marks the 75th anniversary of Little League Baseball. Or to put it in Little League terms, six innings.

This week, Tom Brady’s 18,000-square-foot L.A. mansion was sold to Dr. Dre for $40 million. Now, $40 million might sound like a lot, but remember, he’s a doctor.

Thursday Jun 05 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The NFL just released a logo for Super Bowl 50 that features the number instead of the standard Roman numeral. The Roman numeral is just “L.” They say it’s a “Loser.”

Now that the Super Bowl 50 logo uses just the number and no Roman numeral, people in Rome are saying, “Whew. Now we know what number it stood for.”

A company in Japan says it will start selling human-like robots that can babysit your children. That story again: Japan is making a robot that can turn on a TV.

The robot babysitters apparently keep your kids quiet by making them hide in fear.
Conan

Last night the Los Angeles Kings won game one of the Stanley Cup finals in overtime. Fans in L.A. went crazy after they heard about it this morning at work.

Donald Sterling has agreed to sell the L.A. Clippers for $2 billion. Let that be a lesson to your kids. If you make a racist remark to your mistress, you will get a check for $2 billion.

When asked about criticism from Hillary Clinton, Russia’s President Putin said he doesn’t like to argue with women. Putin is either being a misogynist, or else ladies he’s the perfect catch.

A Japanese clothing company has been criticized for labeling United States sizes skinny, fat, and jumbo. After a huge outcry they changed them to “small, medium, and American.”

Late Show with David Letterman

CBS is trading me for five Taliban prisoners.

President Obama says that the United States never leaves soldiers behind. But that’s because we never leave.

This Bergdahl guy was in a Taliban prison for five years, and he’s now recovering in a hospital in Germany. The reason he is in Germany is because he couldn’t get into a VA hospital until 2020.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Everyone in Los Angeles is very excited. We’re celebrating last night’s victory in Game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals. Everyone in Los Angeles is now pretending they watch hockey.

The game went into overtime. L.A. hockey fans were very tense. More tense than Donald Sterling at the Apollo. More tense than the countries on the edge of Russia. More tense than Bruce Jenner’s face.

Donald Sterling says he won’t sue the NBA for forcing him to sell the Clippers for $2 billion. Apparently he decided this after a short meeting where someone explained to him that he was getting $2 billion.

Disney announced they’re making a live action “Beauty and the Beast.” Of course we’re all familiar with the story. An attractive woman falls for a horrible monster and then forces him to sell his NBA team for $2 billion.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

Tonight the Miami Heat and the San Antonio Spurs faced off in Game 1 of the NBA Finals. It’s the NBA’s annual contest to determine whose city will be set on fire.

A Danish firm has developed an underground beer fridge called the eCool that takes advantage of underground conditions to keep beer cold. So congratulations, I guess, for inventing the “hole.”

Scientists in Australia have rediscovered a bat species that was originally thought to be extinct for over 120 years. And thanks to the quick reflexes of one of the scientists, it’s extinct again.

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