Sunday Funnies

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Friday May 16 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Donald Sterling is now planning to sue the NBA for banning him from the league. That’s good because it’s the only way he’ll ever see a court again.

This week the FCC rolled out a new service that lets people text 911 for help. That’ll mean if you’re driving and you see an accident, you can cause another accident.

The stadium that will host the opening match of the World Cup still isn’t ready yet because there are problems with 20,000 seats. When asked what’s wrong with the seats, officials said, “There’s no stadium built around them.”

A new report found that the average life expectancy for women in the U.S. is 81, while the average life expectancy for men is 76. Or as both husbands and wives put it, “Good.”

Late Show with David Letterman

The new “Godzilla” opens this weekend. In this movie, Godzilla is the first openly gay lizard.

They’re finally able to control Godzilla when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie closes down the George Washington Bridge.

Godzilla destroys three cities. Then he sits down and apologizes to Anderson Cooper.

New York City is now bidding on the 2024 Olympics. And it was announced earlier today that New York City has been awarded the 2016 Kim Kardashian wedding.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

“Godzilla” opens today. In the original movies, Godzilla always attacked Tokyo. But today Godzilla is such a revered hero, Tokyo actually has a statue of him. A city having a statue of the very thing that destroyed it? That would be like the L.A. Clippers having a statue of Donald Sterling. Like Blockbuster having a statue of Netflix. Or like Conan having a statue of Jay Leno.

Do you know who’s in the new “Godzilla” movie? Elizabeth Olsen, the sister of the Olsen twins. She is not a twin. She is just an Olsen single. So she’s used to being around weird, scary creatures.

I’m sure the new “Godzilla” will be a success, and I’m sure Godzilla will be getting more work. You’ll probably be seeing him on the next season of “Downton Abbey.”

There have been 28 Godzilla movies. They include “Son of Godzilla,” “Godzilla vs. Mothra,” “2 God 2 Zilla,” and “Godzilla vs. Tyler Perry.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Over the weekend, the new “Godzilla” movie came out. I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.

The Clippers got knocked out of the NBA playoffs last night. Jack Nicholson, who has been sitting courtside at Lakers games for decades, was there. That had to be a mistake, right? He got confused.

Donald Sterling’s attorney sent a letter to the NBA, rejecting his lifetime ban and refusing to pay the $2.5 million fine they hit him with. In case you are keeping track, Donald Sterling is 0 for 80 at making good decisions this year.

Even if Sterling wins the lawsuit, why would you want to own a team on which all of your players wish you were dead? He should pack those giant bags under his eyes and get out of L.A.

Monday May 19 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The Billboard Music awards were last night and there was an amazing hologram of Michael Jackson. He performed a new song called “Slave to the Rhythm.” It was so realistic, Tito actually asked it for money.

Yeah, a Michael Jackson hologram at the Billboard Music Awards. Then he left to play golf with holograms of Tupac and Elvis.

They say this season of “The Bachelorette” will have fewer hot tub scenes than previous seasons. Which explains the show’s new name: “What’s the Point?”

Over the weekend, Brad Pitt spotted Matthew McConaughey on a balcony across the street from his house in New Orleans, so he threw him a beer. Because legally, that’s what you have to do when you see Matthew McConaughey.
Conan

The U.S. is accusing Chinese military officials of spying. When asked why they did it, the Chinese officials said it’s payback for all the times your students cheated off the Asian kid.

In New Hampshire, a police commissioner who called President Obama a racial slur has resigned. He also publicly apologized to New Hampshire’s entire black community, a guy named Steve.

A man from Houston is attempting to visit all the Starbucks locations in the world. It’s been four years since he started. He still hasn’t left Houston.

A woman in Iowa claims she found marijuana in her McDonald’s burger. Which explains why right after eating the burger she went over to Taco Bell.

Late Show with David Letterman

California Chrome won the Kentucky Derby, he won the Preakness, now comes the Belmont Stakes. This is one of those miracle horse-racing stories — Mayor de Blasio fired the horse from his regular job pulling a carriage.

For a minute, it looked like California Chrome wouldn’t be able to wear his Breathe Right strips on his nose in the Belmont, but now everything’s fine. He will, however, not be allowed to use his reading glasses.

Bad news. Red Lobster is going out of business. Here’s how I found out. CBS had to move my retirement dinner to Olive Garden.

There’s a coffee shortage, and when the supply goes down, look out, I predict that those prices at Starbucks are going to start to get a little pricey.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

A man in Phoenix accidentally shot himself in the leg while in line at Walmart on Saturday. Or, as they call that in Arizona, “taking a selfie.”

Today Merriam-Webster announced 150 new words being added to the dictionary, including selfie, dubstep, hashtag, and spoiler alert. Also, they’re considering removing the word “dictionary.”

Vladimir Putin ordered all Russian troops stationed near Ukraine to be pulled back to their home bases. It’s the first time Putin has pulled back since that one time someone tried to hug him.

Tuesday May 20 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday President Obama made an unscheduled stop at a Little League game while he was on his way to a fundraiser. Yeah, because there’s nothing parents love more than their kid’s Little League game getting even longer.

Over the weekend, Beyoncé and Jay-Z released a trailer for their upcoming tour together. When asked what they like most about the video, they said, “We actually knew we were making this one.”

CNN had to fire an editor after discovering that she plagiarized 50 stories. CNN said, “Can you imagine if somebody actually SAW them?”

Scientists in London say they have invented a process that can actually turn light into matter, but warned people that their results won’t be visible to the human eye. Well, in that case, I invented it too.
Conan

A high school girl has invited Joe Biden to be her prom date. Isn’t that nice? However, her father is refusing to let her go with a guy who can’t really describe what he does for a living.

“Wheel of Fortune” host Pat Sajak posted several tweets mocking people who believe in global warming. The tweet was hard to understand because Sajak didn’t buy any vowels.

This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik’s Cube. If you kids don’t know what a Rubik’s Cube is, it’s what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones.

A Japanese company unveiled a robot that can tell jokes and then detect if the joke was well received. In a related story, I start my shift at Quiznos tomorrow.

Late Show with David Letterman

In the new “Godzilla” movie, Godzilla starts out as a normal-sized lizard, and then he calls Alex Rodriguez. A-Rod gives him the number of an anti-aging clinic and then all hell breaks loose.

Godzilla gets crazy mad and destroys three cities. It’s kind of like what General Motors did.

We are having lovely weather in New York City. Here’s how nice it is. Today Beyoncé’s sister beat up Jay-Z in the park.

It’s springtime and earlier today Chris Christie closed the George Washington Bridge for a pollen study.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There’s a couple of birthdays today — Busta Rhymes and Cher. Busta Rhymes and Cher are very different. One’s a tough, hard-bitten dude who smokes two blunts before breakfast. And the other one is Busta Rhymes.

In Hollywood news, they’re making a sequel to “Mrs. Doubtfire.” Robin Williams is returning as a guy who dresses as a woman so he can spend time with his kids. But I’m thinking if he’s still dressing up like a woman after 20 years, it’s probably not really about seeing his kids, is it?

Nothing against Robin Williams, but if Hollywood wants to make a movie about a creepy, middle-aged Scottish woman — what am I, chopped liver?
Jimmy Kimmel Live

I was at a website looking at the sale section and I came across this item: a chocolate Easter Bunny reduced from $14.95 to $9.99. Who is buying chocolate Easter Bunnies in May? It’s not like chocolate isn’t available in other shapes.

If you did buy a chocolate bunny, an out-of-season candy rabbit, would you order it by mail? I mean, if your chocolate bunny isn’t an impulse purchase, what is?

Yesterday the NBA formally notified Donald Sterling of its intention to terminate his ownership of the L.A. Clippers. And they also let him know that his face looks like a bag of melted silly putty.

The NBA gave Donald Sterling until Tuesday to respond. His lawyer asked for a three-month extension to prepare. I’ll tell you what’s happening here. He is stalling. Sterling is going to keep this in court until he dies. He is basically trying to run out the clock on being alive.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

A 24-year-old-cat in England has been named the world’s oldest cat. That cat is so old, if you give it a ball of yarn, it knits.

A man in Florida has been arrested for inappropriately touching two women outside a Walmart while claiming to be a psychic. Though to his credit, when the police picked him up he said, “I knew this was going to happen.”

Wednesday May 21 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Pope Francis will bring a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he travels to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, “We’ve been expecting you.”

Kraft is recalling more than a million cases of cottage cheese because they weren’t stored at the right temperature. Isn’t that how you MAKE cottage cheese?

Researchers have found that eating two large meals helps you lose more weight than eating six small meals. Or as doctors put it, “Please just exercise.”

A Russian businessman has been ordered to pay his wife $4.5 billion in what is being called the world’s most expensive divorce. Then L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling said, “Stay tuned.”
Conan

The FBI has reversed its policy and will now hire people who have smoked pot in the past three years. When asked why, the FBI said, “Because we couldn’t find anyone who hasn’t smoked pot.”

In Nashville a woman named Peyton Manning was arrested for possession of cocaine. Either that or football’s Peyton Manning likes to switch things up.

In a new interview, Angelina Jolie said she would not rule out running for office someday. She said she will wait until her children are grown and make up 51 percent of the voting population.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s Fleet Week here in New York City. All the armed forces are here, 1500 military personnel. They’re here to defend us against Godzilla.

Fleet Week is great for me personally because it’s the only time I can walk around New York City and not feel stupid wearing my little sailor outfit.

A new study proves that women love men in uniform. You know, unless it’s a Mets uniform.

Judge Judy was on all night long in prime time here on CBS. She makes about $50 million a year. Now to be fair, most of that is from bribes.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s the first day of Fleet Week. Fleet week is when New York City honors its men in uniform — unless they play for the Mets.

During Fleet Week, New York City gets pretty rowdy. All that yelling, drinking, and raising hell. And then when they’re done taping “The View,” Fleet Week starts.

It’s also National Waiter and Waitress Day. So be extra nice to your server. Say “Thanks, sugar” and give them a little slap on the butt.

Mr. T turns 62 today. Mister T was so beloved in the 1980s he had his own breakfast cereal. They had to pull it off the shelves though. Kids kept breaking their teeth on the little crunchy gold medallions.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

On “Dancing With The Stars,” double amputee Amy Purdy, who has not one but two artificial legs, made it all the way to the final two and then she lost to an Olympic gold medal-winning ice dancer. Is that fair? I don’t think it is.

Good news for fans of “Frozen.” Disney announced this fall they will debut a live show called “Frozen on Ice.” I haven’t seen it, but wasn’t “Frozen” already on ice?

For 40 years Burger King has been saying “Have it your way” in their ads. They’re changing the slogan from “Have it your way” to “Be your way.” I don’t get it. Am I ordering a Whopper or coming out to my family?

I would be mad if I was in charge of supplies for Burger King. Because they’re changing two words in the slogan, I now have to print 8 trillion new cups. Does Burger King know that they could not even have a tag line and as long as they have hamburgers literally no one would care?
Late Night With Seth Meyers

It’s Fleet Week in New York. And you know what that means: Next week is Penicillin Week.

One day after recalling 2.4 million vehicles, GM has announced it’s recalling another 218,000 Chevy Aveos. Apparently, their defect is that they’re Chevy Aveos.

Yesterday a group of 50 Brooklyn school kids gave an impromptu recorder recital on the subway during morning rush hour. Because sometimes New York is full of great surprises and other times it’s full of children playing the recorder on the subway in the morning.

Golfer Rory McIlroy broke off his engagement to a pro tennis player Caroline Wozniacki days after sending out wedding invitations. Because he realized that, to her, love means zero.

Thursday May 22 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Fans of “The Price is Right” got angry at President Obama yesterday because a speech he was giving interrupted the show. So let me fill them in on what they missed: Three people you don’t know got called down, and they were extremely happy about it. That’s all you missed.

A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs. And that’s just selling lava lamps at Spencer’s Gifts.

The organizing committee for the 2016 Olympics in Rio just announced that 38 percent of the venues are completed. When asked if they’d be done in time for the Summer Games, Rio said, “Wait — SUMMER games?”
Conan

In a new interview about the Donald Sterling scandal, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said, “I know I’m prejudiced, too.” In fact, Cuban admits he’s so racist, he’s trying to have his last name deported.

It’s been reported that Beyoncé gets paid $100,000 just to sit in the front row at a fashion show. Meanwhile, her sister, Solange, is getting paid that amount by Jay-Z to take the stairs.

A woman got a DUI while driving a car that belongs to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. So, I’m starting to think maybe it’s the car that has the problem.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s Pac-Man’s birthday. He’s an icon of the 1980s, like the Rubik’s Cube and “Knight Rider.” So if you’re a fan of video games, you’re going to enjoy the show tonight. But then if you’re a fan of video games, you’re not watching this show. You’re playing video games.

Pac-Man had his own cereal and his own cartoon show. In Japan he’s still very popular. But then, this show’s popular in Japan too.

I did a sitcom in Japan with Pac-Man. We played roommates, both of us ravaged by years of drug abuse.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Google is continuing its mission to make sure we’re never NOT looking at ads. Google says it hopes to put ads on refrigerators, dashboards, glasses, watches, and other items. This is what the smartest people in the country are working on. Instead of winning a Nobel Prize, their obituary is going to say, “Bill used his 187 IQ to figure out how to put commercials on your windshield.”

In other invasive technology news, Facebook has a terrifying new feature. It uses the microphone in your smartphone to listen to what music, movies, or TV shows you’re watching or hearing, and then it posts them to your Facebook page. You have to hand it to Facebook. Each time I figure Facebook has become as creepy as possible, somehow they find a way to be even creepier.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s car was involved in a DUI. Somehow a woman named LeAnne McRobb wound up in his car. You know what a McRobb is? It’s half Rob Ford, half McRib.

This Rob Ford is something else. His car gets pulled over for DUI even when he’s not in it. It’s over. The machines have won. I mean, for God’s sake, Rob Ford’s Cadillac Escalade is drunk.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

It’s Fleet Week, when New York City plays host to the crews of three U.S. Navy ships and two Coast Guard clippers. But don’t worry, the Coast Guard clippers are NOT owned by Donald Sterling.

A group of scientists have started attaching sensors to sharks to help predict hurricane intensity. They’re hoping the information they gather will save enough lives to offset the number of lives lost attaching sensors to sharks.

According to a new survey, fewer than 2 percent of hiring managers said they were actively recruiting graduates with liberal arts degrees. Said liberal arts graduates, “Latte for Karen.”

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5 Responses to “Sunday Funnies”

  1. 4

    J Norton

    I just saw Godzilla last week, and man, this is hilarious! It reminded me of the time when I stepped on my niece’s Lego piece. I think I cried a tiny man tear haha. This is just awesome, keep up the good work!

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