Sunday Funnies

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Monday May 12 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The St. Louis Rams made history on Saturday by drafting Michael Sam, making him the first openly gay player in the NFL. Yep, an NFL player who’s never been with a woman — or as Tim Tebow put it, “Eh, it’s been done.”

Thursday is the deadline for Iran to meet a series of measures to delay its nuclear program. Then Iran said, “Do you mean ‘DEADLINE deadline’ or ‘Sign up for Obamacare deadline?’”

With their loss to the Braves yesterday, the Chicago Cubs became the third team in baseball history to lose 10,000 games. The poor Cubs. They can’t even win a losing contest.

The Cubs are so bad that the last time they won a World Series, the team photo was an oil painting.
Conan

The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams.

Some NFL players actually criticized Michael Sam for kissing his boyfriend after getting drafted. Apparently NFL players aren’t supposed to be in a gay relationship until they’re sent to prison. Then it’s fine.

Dr. Dre may become the world’s first hip-hop billionaire. So maybe my mom was right. I should have become a doctor.

In Colorado a man was accidentally released from prison 90 years too soon. In a related story, everyone in Colorado is high.

Late Show with David Letterman

How about this weather, ladies and gentlemen. It’s 81 and cloudy, just like Donald Sterling.

I think you all know this by now. Donald Sterling is the NBA’s first openly bigoted owner.

Donald Sterling did an interview with Anderson Cooper of CNN. The interview was conducted at Sterling’s sprawling Triple-K ranch.

They are reopening the Washington monument. The thing has been shut down for the last two years — like the Obama administration.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s a great day for Michael Sam, the first openly gay player drafted by the NFL. But the struggle isn’t over. We still face other challenges. We still have to get a straight guy a job on Broadway. That has to happen next.

It was so hot that Clippers owner Donald Sterling went to a Magic Johnson theater for the air conditioning.

It was so hot that David Hasselhoff ate a fudgesicle off the floor.

Piers Morgan and Larry King have been getting into a nasty war of words. They are fighting with each other. It’s the first time Larry’s taken shots at the British since the Revolutionary War.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

During his visit to the White House, the President of Uruguay lectured President Obama about the dangers of smoking. Then, when Obama said “Oh, I quit,” Hillary Clinton ran past him into the Oval Office.

The Chicago Cubs recorded their 10,000th loss over the weekend. And that’s just this season.

A recently discovered Norman Rockwell painting is expected to sell for more than $2 million at auction later this month. The painting is so valuable because it’s a rare self-portrait of Rockwell burning the American flag while kicking a dog.

Tuesday May 13 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

TMZ released a surveillance video of Beyoncé’s sister, Solange, hitting and kicking her husband Jay-Z in an elevator. It’s embarrassing for Beyoncé, but it’s the best-case scenario for when someone tells you, “Hey, a video just leaked online of your husband and your sister going at it.”

Russia is threatening to punish Moldova after a Russian politician’s plane was briefly held while traveling in the country over the weekend. You can tell they’re pretty serious because this morning Putin sent Solange over there.

During his trip to the White House yesterday, Uruguay’s president said that more Americans should be bilingual. Then Joe Biden said, “Thanks, but I’m happily married.”
Conan

Kim Kardashian’s daughter has said her first word, “Da-da.” Reportedly she’s also been calling Bruce Jenner grandma.

IKEA announced it’s going to turn its first store into a museum. It’s going to be called the “Metropolitan museum of things that break after two years.”

Carrie Fisher has reportedly lost 40 pounds for the upcoming “Star Wars” movie. And Chewbacca got a full Brazilian wax.

Late Show with David Letterman

According to a new survey, Europeans drink more than anyone else in the world. When I heard that I said to myself: Can’t we do anything anymore?

Some studies conclude that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine will prolong your life. Well, it turns out that’s not true. The new study was conducted by the New Haven Institute of Buzz Kill.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are getting married. I try to go to all of her weddings.

What Kim Kardashian can do is use the flowers from the last wedding. They should still be fresh.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

New research suggests that people who are more ambitious will live longer. While people who are less ambitious will live longer with their parents.

A new study claims that 1 in 10 Americans no longer carry cash. They’re called English majors.

Wednesday May 14 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

A day after Donald Sterling’s explosive interview with CNN, Anderson Cooper sat down with Magic Johnson for a follow-up interview. And Magic actually said he’s praying for Sterling. Yeah, he’s praying for him to get stuck in an elevator with Beyoncé’s sister.

A federal judge ruled yesterday that Idaho’s ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional, so now it’s legal for gay couples to get married. Idaho’s gay people all cheered — from their homes in San Francisco and New York.

Happy Birthday to Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, who turned 30 years old today. It’s a big milestone for him because he’s now officially the youngest person on Facebook.

Yesterday Alec Baldwin got busted for riding his bike the wrong way in a bike lane, and then arguing about it with the cops. He was charged with two counts of “being Alec Baldwin.”

Late Show with David Letterman

This audience’s applause is about as convincing as a Donald Sterling apology.

Researchers now say that drinking a lot of red wine is not healthy for you. What’s next, crack?

Justin Bieber is accused of stealing a cellphone from a fan. The police now say that he is at large. He’s armed and Bieberous.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

George Lucas, the creator of “Star Wars,” is 70 years old today. George didn’t bother celebrating. He spent the day making unnecessary changes to all his earlier birthdays.

It’s a great day for Transylvania. The 14th century Transylvania castle that inspired the book “Dracula” is for sale. Personally, if I wanted a house that belonged to a creepy undead guy, I’d buy the Playboy mansion.

It must be tough for a real estate agent in Transylvania. The castle’s a little on the dark side.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Part two of Donald Sterling’s interview with Anderson Cooper aired on CNN tonight. It may have been the first time I’ve ever seen an apology that was more offensive than the thing being apologized for.

A Massachusetts woman, Brenda Drinkwater, was arrested on a seventh drunk driving charge. “Drinkwater” is good advice for her.

Yesterday in Bakersfield a 4-year-old was playing in his driveway when a dog comes in and attacks him. Then all of a sudden the family cat charges out and chases the dog off. The boy then gets up and gets out of there. A hero cat. Are you serious?
Late Night With Seth Meyers

Last night, Magic Johnson told Anderson Cooper that he’s still waiting for an apology from Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Sterling responded, saying, “I’m very sorry you’re black.”

According to a new survey, 55 percent of Americans think that they are smarter than the average American. Said the average American, “55 percent? That’s almost half.”

A Chicago priest is offering a $5,000 reward to help stop gun violence. Meanwhile, people with guns just found out about a priest who has $5,000.

Thursday May 15 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Last night was part two of the Anderson Cooper interview with Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Sterling said that people think of him as an ogre or Frankenstein. Which isn’t true because Frankenstein and ogres are still allowed at NBA games.

The new “Godzilla” movie opened worldwide today. They say New York City could survive a Godzilla attack. Seriously? It takes five cops to handle Alec Baldwin when he’s riding his bike the wrong way.

In an interview, Neil Patrick Harris said he’d never want to do a late-night talk show because he thinks it would be boring doing the same thing every day. And if you want to see more of Neil, you can check him out in that play where he says literally the exact same thing every day.

Yesterday Chris Christie said he thinks it would be fun to run against Jeb Bush for the Republican presidential nomination. While Jeb Bush said it would be fun just to watch Chris Christie run.

Late Show with David Letterman

Donald Sterling and his wife are divorcing. I didn’t see that coming.

It’s a very exciting time in television. This is the time when all of the networks and TV show providers get together and announce their new TV line-ups. CBS has a wonderful new show. It’s called CSI-SPU — Special Parking Unit.

There also will be a socially relevant show on CBS about the first openly gay detective. He has a heightened sense of fashion.

President Obama was here, touring New York sites in need of repair. He wants to spend money on our infrastructure. For example, the port authority needs fixing. And the Tappan Zee Bridge, where the renovation is already finishing up way ahead of schedule — like Obama’s second term.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It was so hot today here in L.A. that a pipeline burst, sending thousands of gallons of oil into the streets. The oil company said it was an accident. They meant to spill it into the ocean.

It’s a great day for Barbara Walters. In a few hours, she’ll tape her final episode of “The View.” Barbara is leaving and I’m leaving at the end of the year, so there’ll be no more feisty old ladies on TV.

A cat in Bakersfield saved a boy from a mean dog. It is all over the Internet. Now the cat is a celebrity. Rumors say it’s in talks to be my replacement.

That video is amazing. It shows a cat actually caring about a human. That is like a Kardashian caring about privacy. It’s like Vladimir Putin caring about the sovereignty of Ukraine. It’s like Oprah caring about clipping coupons. It’s like the Lakers caring about winning. It is like the “Duck Dynasty” guys caring about Broadway musicals.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

It got up to 101 degrees in Hollywood today. Although with the wind chill it was 98 degrees.

Here in Southern California today, we premiered what I think is the first-ever firenado. It’s kind of like a sharknado, except instead of sharks in the nado there is fire.

If that firenado isn’t the work of Satan, I don’t know what is.

That hotel in New York fired the employee who leaked the security camera footage of the fight between Solange Knowles and Jay-Z. But don’t feel bad for that person. He’s rumored to have been paid $250,000 by TMZ. Let that be a lesson to every low-wage security guard out there. The lesson is to make sure your phone is charged before you come to work.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

Last night in the second part of his interview with Anderson Cooper, L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling announced he and his wife are divorcing. Ladies, that means he’s going to be single. So run.

Today President Obama took his 1,001st flight aboard Air Force One. And they still made him take his shoes off at security.

Independent film director Lars von Trier is writing a horror movie set in Detroit. But then again, so is history.

A new Michael Jackson album was released this week and it contains a track titled “Do You Know Where Your Children Are?” Even worse, the next song is called, “Can You Give Me Directions?”

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