Sunday Funnies

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Friday May 02 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

For the first time in NBA Playoff history, tomorrow there will be three Game 7’s on the same day. Very exciting. And in even better news, Donald Sterling can’t go to ANY of them!

Tomorrow night, reporters and celebrities will attend the White House Correspondents Dinner.” Of course, it’ll be awkward when the reporters from CNN just spend all night trying to find their table.

After taking a leave of absence, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is apparently going to rehab in Chicago. That’s right, he’s headed to the Second City. As in, “the second city where he’ll be caught with crack.”

Lawmakers in Illinois have started a new push to legalize recreational marijuana in the state. Rob Ford said, “Looks like I got here just in time!”

Late Show with David Letterman

The new “Spider-Man” movie opened this weekend. You know, whenever there is mortal danger, what you want is a teenager in spandex.

Nice day today. It was such a beautiful, bright, spring day that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford came out of rehab squinting.

Now Rob Ford is going to rehab. He didn’t necessarily want to go to rehab but he has to go to rehab because he promised he would go to rehab. It’s like a George Clooney engagement.

George Clooney bought a beautiful diamond engagement ring. Over three years the ring slowly dissolves, at which point the bride knows she should leave George to make room for his next relationship.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

An old tour bus used by Willie Nelson is for sale on eBay for $36,000. That makes sense — 6 grand for the bus, 30 grand for whatever you find in the seat cushions.

The political scene in Washington one of few places I’ve seen that’s more grasping and desperate than show business. Hollywood and politics are very different, of course. One puts out big-budget crap filled with explosions. And the other one is Hollywood.

The white house correspondents dinner is strange. The E! channel actually live-streams the red carpet. “Oooh, I hope the secretary of agriculture, Tom Vilsack, is wearing Valentino.”

Monday May 05 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

It’s Cinco de Mayo. A lot of people mistakenly think this is Mexico’s Independence Day. So remember to correct people if you want to be the most annoying guy at happy hour.

This weekend was the White House Correspondents Dinner. President Obama made fun of his low poll numbers, the botched Obamacare rollout, and Governor Chris Christie — while I was on the phone with Putin, negotiating a cease-fire in Ukraine.

On Saturday, Chris Christie tweeted that he had a colonoscopy just hours before he went to the White House Correspondents Dinner. Yeah, that’s what you want to see at a dinner — Chris Christie after he wasn’t able to eat for 24 hours.

A new study found that a growing number of dog owners are giving their pets anti-anxiety medication as a way to calm them down and reduce unwanted stress in their lives. Then dogs said, “Or, you could just sell the vacuum cleaner.”

This weekend “Spider-Man 2” earned $22 million at the box office. That makes it the fourth most successful “Spider-Man 2.” I swear to God they’ve made 11 of them.

Vladimir Putin has signed a new law banning the F-word from movies. Now the Russian version of “Wolf of Wall Street” is eight seconds long. You sit down and it’s over.

Michelle Obama’s brother has been fired as the basketball coach at Oregon State. Like most Americans who lost their job, he blames Obama.

The Supreme Court has ruled that city council meetings may open with a prayer. Especially if the city in question is Detroit.

Late Show with David Letterman

Happy Cinco de Mayo. Earlier today Joe Biden pardoned a burrito.

Peyton Manning is here tonight from the Denver Broncos. Last weekend at the Vatican, Eli and Peyton Manning were canonized.

They’ve named a street after Yankees great Mariano Rivera in the Bronx. I’m retiring next year and I just heard from the mayor that they’re naming a pothole after me.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s Cinco de Mayo. Today Clippers owner Donald Sterling said his girlfriend could take a photo with one Mexican.

Cinco de Mayo celebrates the Mexican army’s defeat of the French, which may not sound like much today. Celebrating a victory over today’s French army would be like celebrating a victory over the Lakers.

Back in 1862, the French army was tough. They’d say, “We will hit you with a baguette and frighten you with smelly cheese.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Happy Cinco de Mayo. A lot of Americans think it is Mexican Independence Day. It isn’t. Cinco de Mayo commemorates Mexico’s unlikely victory over the French army in 1862. Not to rain on anyone’s fiesta, but just how unlikely is a victory over the French army?

While Cinco de Mayo is kind of a big deal here in the United States, in Mexico it’s not. What would be the American equivalent to Cinco de Mayo in Mexico? Would it be maybe Flag Day?

That is what’s great about this country. We will celebrate the beauty of any culture as long as it allows us to drink in the daytime.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today is Cinco de Mayo, which commemorates the day that French armies were defeated at the Battle of Puebla by drunk blond girls in sombreros.

Adele posted a cryptic tweet today that hints about a possible album release in the coming months. In anticipation of the album, women everywhere have already started crying.

The album is good news for Adele fans, bad news for her boyfriend.

Saturday was World Naked Gardening Day. Well, at least according to a man being dragged away in handcuffs.

Tuesday May 06 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The White House released a massive report on the effects of climate change called the National Climate Assessment. Which beats its original title: “It’s Gettin’ Hot in Here.” Although the report might have more impact if they didn’t release it RIGHT when the weather got nice.

Our friend Danica McKellar was sent home from “Dancing With the Stars” last night after having to dance with a broken rib, while I banged my knee on a table this morning and asked NBC if we could do a rerun.

The Supreme Court upheld a decision that allows town hall meetings to open with a prayer. But it probably won’t be answered because when God heard it was a town hall meeting, even HE went to sleep. “I think we need another Meineke in our town! I drive by and there’s cars on all four lifts.”

A new report came out that calls Venezuela the most miserable country on earth. After hearing this, Kim Jung Un said, “What do I have to do? What do you want from me?”

A new airline will have a three-room suite and a private butler. This airline is called Not Southwest.

There’s a new trend of people calling “Find My iPhone” to confront thieves who have stolen their iPhone. They use the app “Find My iPhone” to find the thief. And this explains the app called “Find My Stupid Friend Who Went After the Criminal Who Stole My iPhone.” Way to get murdered.

A Florida man went to court for the right to marry his laptop computer. He wants to marry his laptop. He said it’s just like a wife because whenever he brings it into bed, it freezes.

Late Show with David Letterman

There’s a guy on the Upper West Side in New York City who’s now the oldest man in the world. He is 111 years old. How about that? His medical expenses are fully covered by Coolidge Care.

The United States used to make all the steel for the world. But here’s what we do now. In Chicago, a restaurant came up with something called a wonut: a combination waffle and donut. That’s what we make. They’ve been working on it at the University of Chicago for years.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today is National Tourist Appreciation Day. And speaking for all New Yorkers, I’d just like to say, we would appreciate it if you would get the hell out of the way.

Medical officials across the nation are reporting that more baristas are complaining about wrist-related injuries they get from making drinks. So much for the tough-guy image of baristas.

The 2015 US Open for Bowling has been canceled due to a lack of interest from sponsors. And spectators. And bowlers.

A new survey in Britain shows that one out of six people would have sex with a robot. While five out of six people don’t like how you’re looking at that Roomba.

Wednesday May 07 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Here’s an update on our pal, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. In a new interview, Ford said that he’s enjoying rehab because it reminds him of the football camp he went to as a kid. Then the counselors said, “Actually, this IS a football camp. You wandered in here last night at 3 a.m.” Please leave.”

Yeah, Rob Ford said he likes rehab because it reminds him of the football camp he went to as a kid. Then his parents were like, “Uh … that was also rehab.”

Here’s a crazy story. A woman was detained this week after she joined the mile-high club on a Virgin Air flight from London to Las Vegas. But the guy she was in there with was NOT detained on the flight. How typical. The guy gets off, but not the girl.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is in rehab, and he said it is amazing. Ford said, “I love it so much, I’m going to do this every year.”

In a biography Michael Jordan said that as a kid, he saw so much racism that he began to hate, quote, “all white people.” Jordan said he only started to feel compassion for white people after watching them play basketball.

A new report just came out. It found that more 19-year-old women are having sex but fewer of them are getting pregnant, which explains why today George Clooney broke off his engagement. He read that and said, “I got to get back out there!”

The stock price for whole foods has plummeted nearly 20 percent. Yeah, that’s a drop of $9, or the price of one grape at Whole Foods. It’s $9 a grape now.

Late Show with David Letterman

Guess who’s back? Monica Lewinsky. She did an interview in the upcoming Vanity Fair. This is big news … in 1998. If you are happy that Monica Lewinsky is back in the news that means you’re probably an aging writer because it was the golden age of comedy, ladies and gentlemen.

The legacy, the legend, the Yankees’ Mariano Rivera, the greatest closer in all of baseball, has retired, and they named a street after him. Got a call today from New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio. Since I announced my retirement they’ve named a dumpster on Ninth Avenue after me. So go on by!
Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Los Angeles District Attorney is now investigating Donald Sterling’s mistress after she allegedly threatened to release more audio recordings in order to blackmail him. Sterling is very upset because he prefers to be whitemailed.

Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that could fly from New York to Tokyo in one hour. Apparently the engines are powered by human screams.

This week, Pittsburgh window cleaners dressed up like superheroes in order to cheer up patients at a children’s hospital — although it backfired because the kids were bummed out to learn that Batman spends his days cleaning windows.

Yesterday, a 6-foot-8 Brazilian woman married her longtime boyfriend, who’s 5-foot-4. The couple met at a park after the woman noticed her shoe was untied.

Ontario nutrition company CEN Biotech has announced plans to build the world’s largest and most efficient marijuana factory. Though I’d bet there isn’t a ton of competition for “most efficient marijuana factory.”

Thursday May 08 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Today was the start of the NFL draft, right across the street at Radio City Music Hall, and 32 players were drafted in the first round. Well, actually, 31 — the Jets got confused and took one of the Rockettes.

It’s rumored that Katie Couric might return to the “Today” show for a few months to fill in for Savannah Guthrie when she goes on maternity leave. “Because where else could you find another co-host?” said Al, Natalie, Lester, Tamron, Willie, Carson, Dylan, Kathie Lee, and Hoda.

A new report shows that President Obama has visited 45 states during his time in office. When he heard that, Biden said, “Wow, he’s been to ALL of ’em?”

A town in Texas just announced a controversial plan to recycle toilet water and use it for drinking water. Dogs said, “How are you only thinking of this now?”

A new report says that global warming could cause Boston to end up completely underwater. Bostonians say, “We’re OK with that as long as it happens when the Yankees are in town.” They hate them that much.

A guy got a tattoo on his leg of the KFC Double Down sandwich. He wanted to do something he would regret even more than eating a KFC Double Down sandwich.

Kim Kardashian announced that she and Kanye are not yet married because they’re working on their prenup. Apparently both sides are fighting over whether the marriage should last three months or four months.

The title for the new “Star Wars” movie is “Star Wars, Episode 7, The Ancient Fear.” But that is not definite. Producers are still considering other titles, including “Episode 7, He Gets His Groove Back,” “Episode 7, 12 Years of Droid,” “Episode 7, Return of the Expensive Collectible Action Figure,” and “Episode 7, The Hangover, Part 4.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live

They held the first round of the NFL draft at Radio City Music Hall in New York. The NFL draft is the annual event that determines which quarterback will become the next celebrity spokesman for Papa John’s.

At 11:39, a magnitude 3.3 earthquake hit 10 miles outside of downtown LA. A 3.3 quake, to put it in LA terms, is somewhere between Mila Kunic tripping and Lindsay Lohan crashing on your front porch.

What must it be like to work at a rehab facility and you see Toronto Mayor Rob Ford walk through the door? I can imagine: red lights start flashing, a siren goes off, someone yells, “This is what we have been training for, people! Let’s go!”

Mayor Ford told a reporter he is paying $100,000 for treatment. The reason we know this is because the mayor has been talking to the Toronto Sun. He told the reporter he got in trouble for talking to the press, so he did an interview on Wednesday to tell the reporter he was not supposed to have done an interview on Tuesday.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

For the second time in three days, the White House has gone into lockdown after someone threw an object over the fence. Finally today, President Obama took away Joe Biden’s Frisbee.

An Icelandic chef has created several patés and desserts made of fly larvae. So if you were looking for a reason to go to Iceland, keep looking.

Sony has invented a new kind of cassette tape that could store 47 million songs. They estimate that they’ll be ready to demonstrate the new cassette for the public sometime in the year 2267 when it finishes rewinding.

Target and Doritos have paired up to market the Walking Taco, which is where you pour ground beef and cheese into a bag of crushed Doritos before eating it out of the bag. The Walking Taco was created when a man was taking out the garbage and thought, “Hey, I could eat this.”


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