Sunday Funnies

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Friday Apr 25 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The city of Chicago is building a new high school named after President Obama. I hear their student government isn’t that good, but the golf team is amazing.

Hillary Clinton made news this week, when she said that older women can still make a difference in politics. Even her supporters said, “Oh my God, just say you’re running already!”

Facebook has come out with a new feature that lets people see where their friends are at all times. It’s called, “Nearby Friends,” which is better than the original title, “Avoiding Relatives.”

More than 70,000 people will travel to Indianapolis this weekend for the annual meeting of the National Rifle Association. The weekend will feature a brunch, a gun raffle, and no sudden movements.

Late Show with David Letterman

Beautiful day outside. I mean, 65 and sunny, like Katie Couric.

They’re auctioning off stuff from the Titanic. There’s a menu of what was being served in the dining room the night the “Titanic” sank. And listen to this, the salad they were featuring that night: iceberg lettuce. True story.

I’d like to have that Titanic menu. It would go great with my Hindenburg soup spoon.

President Obama is in Japan. He’s over there visiting the Benihana Training Institute.

President Obama is out of the country. Vice President Joe Biden is out of the country. And you know what happens then. They turn over nuclear launch codes to Oprah.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There was a man in Rhode Island that was arrested after he tried to rob a bank using a potato shaped like a gun. I’m glad he didn’t try that here in L.A. People would have freaked out. “Oh no, carbs! Back off, everybody! He’s packing carbs! ”

It’s Arbor Day, when we all celebrate trees. As well we should. Because trees require so little attention, yet do so much to enhance the world. They’re opposite of the Kardashians.

Arbor Day started in Nebraska in the 1800s. Nebraska’s governor thought of that while Nebraska was famous for corn, while today Nebraska is best known for . . . corn.

Friday is also World Penguin Day. Penguins are more popular since the “March of the Penguins” movie. I’m not sure why it’s called “March of the Penguins.” Penguins don’t really march. They just kind of waddle. Like fat people on vacation.

Monday Apr 28 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling was recorded telling his girlfriend not to hang out with black people. Some people are actually defending Sterling, saying he has a very good record of hiring minorities. For instance, he always has at least one white guy on the team.

President Obama is calling Donald Sterling’s racist remarks “incredibly offensive.” And you know it’s bad when even Vladimir Putin says, “I hate to say it, but I am with Obama on this one.”

George Clooney is engaged. You can tell he’s excited to get married because he’s been throwing himself a bachelor party for the last 20 years.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel will travel to the U.S. next month to talk with President Obama about the situation in Ukraine. And to try to get Clooney to change his mind.
Conan

Here in L.A., Donald Sterling, the owner of the Clippers, has been caught on tape making racist remarks. After the audio was released, the NAACP decided not to honor Sterling with a second lifetime achievement award. Instead, they’re giving him “The Reason We Still Need an NAACP” award.

Today Donald Trump called Sterling’s remarks disgusting and his girlfriend a terrible human being. Then Trump said, “And that’s why I’ve invited them both to join the next season of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.'”

The L.A. Clippers protested their owner’s racist remarks by wearing their uniforms inside-out. Meanwhile, the L.A. Lakers have been wearing their uniforms inside-out so no one would know they play for the Lakers.

Spanish scientists say they have discovered the oldest reproduction of Jesus Christ. It’s a selfie he took with Larry King.

Late Show with David Letterman

George Clooney is engaged to be married. How about that. Good for George. Another success story for eHarmony.com.

In Rome we got two new saints, and it’s the first time we had two Popes officiating over the canonization. St. Peter’s square was packed. The first 50,000 people got bobblehead dolls.

Clippers owner Donald Sterling is in trouble for making racist remarks. It must be terribly embarrassing for this guy, you know, to be identified as the owner of the Clippers.

Earlier today Sterling was rushed to the Paula Deen Rehab Center in Georgia.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Donald Sterling, owner of the L.A. Clippers, got caught on tape allegedly spewing vial racist hate to his mistress. You know it’s bad when you get caught on tape with your mistress and it’s what you said that’s the problem.

Right now every NBA fan here in Los Angeles knows there’s a dark, ugly cloud of shame hanging over the Staples Center. But enough about the Lakers. There’s also the Sterling thing.

Aquaman is making his big screen debut. He will be in the upcoming Justice League movie. Unlike other superheroes, Aquaman doesn’t wear a mask. He hides his identity another way — by not being popular enough to need a secret identity.

I’m not clear how Aquaman will get into the Justice League headquarters. It’s an all-glass building with no rivers or streams leading to it. It gives me a bad feeling that Aquaman arrives through the toilet.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Clippers owner Donald Sterling was caught on tape saying racist things to a woman. The NAACP was set to give him a second lifetime achievement award but rescinded the honor. I think that’s a mistake. I think he should be forced to show up and accept the NAACP award.

Everyone agrees that Sterling should be forced to sell the team. I have a solution. I will buy the team. Donald Sterling, I will give you $5,000 in cash. Do with it whatever you want. Give it to the NAACP. Maybe they’ll give you another award.

I would be proud to take the reins of what once was and again will be the worst, most miserable franchise in all of sports.

President Obama was asked if he would you save Vladimir Putin if Putin were drowning. Obama said, “Yeah, I would save Putin. I would save anyone except Donald Sterling.”
Late Night With Seth Meyers

Pope Francis today tweeted to his 4 million Twitter followers, “Inequality is the root of social evil.” So it looks like he’s giving away his season tickets to the Clippers.

A new study shows that teens who mix alcohol and marijuana are more likely to have a bad driving record. Also, you can take out the word “driving” and replace it with anything.

A Beverly Hills podiatrist makes his living by giving women the “Cinderella Procedure,” a surgery that alters the shape of feet so they can fit into designer shoes more comfortably. One day, God willing, technology will advance to where it’s easier to alter a shoe than a human foot.

A woman claiming to be Hitler’s maid said that he pretended to adhere to a healthy diet but actually had an insatiable sweet tooth. I knew if we waited long enough, we’d eventually find some dirt on that guy.

Tuesday Apr 29 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling was recorded on tape making racist comments. He now has been banned from the league for life. Great, just where Sterling wanted to end up — the blacklist.

On the bright side, at least Sterling still has a wife and girlfriend to lean on.

Paula Deen is continuing her comeback by launching a 20-city cooking tour. Her first gig: catering Donald Sterling’s farewell party.

Producers are currently working on a remake of the classic 1959 Charlton Heston film “Ben-Hur.” They’re calling the remake “Ben-Hur, Done That.”
Conan

The NBA has banned Donald Sterling for life for his racist comments. If Sterling has a problem with black people, maybe he should think about owning a hockey team.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he doesn’t think Donald Sterling should be kicked out of the league for comments made in private conversation. After hearing this Sterling said, “Wow, this is the first time I’ve liked a Cuban.”

NBA players had threatened to boycott if Donald Sterling wasn’t banned for life. In fact, the Lakers are so upset they decided not to play for the rest of the season.

Jamaica is reportedly close to passing a measure that would legalize marijuana. Yeah, in Jamaica. Political analysts are calling it a bold move that could change nothing.

Late Show with David Letterman

In the middle of his second term, President Obama’s approval rating once again has dropped. Obama’s approval rating is so low that today Hillary Clinton said, “I’ll take it from here.”

Once again, this show has been honored with a Tony Award nomination. The category: Biggest waste of a Broadway theater.

George Clooney is getting married. You know how they found out that he’s getting engaged? Somebody spotted him at Kay Jewelers.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The NBA has banned Clippers owner Donald Sterling for life. He’s pretty old. They could’ve just said two years. It would have been the same thing.

Sterling is not allowed to have any contact with any professional basketball whatsoever. It’s like he’s an honorary L.A. Laker.

They fined Sterling $2.5 million. At a typical NBA game, $2.5 million is what you pay for those big foam fingers.

Tony Award nominations were announced this morning. They celebrate the best of Broadway. The ceremony will be hosted by Hugh Jackman, but I wouldn’t count on it because here at CBS hosts seem to be jumping ship left and right.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Clippers owner Donald Sterling was captured on tape saying very racist things to his girlfriend. NBA Commissioner Adam Silver handed down the toughest punishment possible. Friends say to help lift his spirits, Sterling has been watching “12 Years a Slave” in reverse.

Someone who doesn’t want to associate with black people owning an NBA franchise is like a vegan buying a steakhouse.

The CEO of Starbucks announced plans to open 600 new stores in the United States. Is there room for 600 more? There are two on every corner already.

Believe it or not, Starbucks says they’re significantly under-stored, which I didn’t know was a phrase. For instance, currently there is no Starbucks at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. That needs to be fixed immediately.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

This afternoon the NBA laid out the punishment for Clippers owner Donald Sterling. It will include a lifetime ban from the NBA, a $2.5 million fine, and two free throws.

A large Budweiser blimp was reported to be floating somewhere above New Jersey after it broke loose over the weekend. Which brings New Jersey’s total of out-of-control blimps to two.

Frontier Airlines has announced new plans to make customers pay for advanced seat assignments and to use the overhead bins. Frontier passengers applauded the move, since you actually get way more leg room if you sit in the overhead bin.

A New York man is being sued for a quarter of a million dollars after his ex-girlfriend claimed he harassed her with nearly a hundred emails. If 100 emails are worth a quarter of a million dollars, that means Crate & Barrel owes me $256 billion.

Thursday May 01 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling’s wife, Rochelle, is being accused of making racist remarks during an incident back in 2009. Sterling should break up with his girlfriend and go out with his wife. They’re perfect for each other.

Donald Sterling’s girlfriend said she’s “going to be president of the United States” one day. Yeah, like we’re going to elect someone who secretly records people’s private phone calls and conversations.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain’t missing that.

Heisman Trophy-winner Jameis Winston is in the news after he shoplifted $32 worth of crab legs from a Florida grocery store. Experts say if he doesn’t clean up his act and stop breaking the law, he could end up in the NFL.
Conan

Toronto mayor Rob Ford has decided to take a leave of absence to seek help. Specifically what he’s seeking help with is getting more crack.

After rumors surfaced of another video of him smoking crack, Rob Ford said he’s taking a leave of absence, and of course he’s earned it. The guy’s been up since 2004.

Ronald McDonald recently received a makeover, which includes a new vest and bow tie. Not to be outdone, after an operation the Burger King is now the Burger Queen.

Late Show with David Letterman

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is apparently back smoking the crack. There is a picture of him smoking the crack and a videotape is out as well. Is there a videotape out there of him not smoking crack?

The crack dealer videotaped him smoking crack. It is a sad state of affairs, ladies and gentlemen, when you can’t trust your drug dealer.

A show business insider told us that the Los Angeles Clippers are up for sale and will be purchased by Oprah Winfrey. The new team physician will be Dr. Phil.

The Clippers will be the only team in the league with a book club.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford checked himself into rehab. I didn’t see that coming.

A sober mayor of Toronto? I’m getting out of late night just in time.

The Daytime Emmy Awards were announced — a record 24 nominations for the soap opera “The Young and the Restless.” Or was it their evil twin? They probably don’t know because their evil twin has amnesia.

We’ve got a huge drought here in California. It’s so dry and windy here in L.A. that firefighters are already hosing down David Hasselhoff’s chest hair.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced he’s taking a leave of absence to deal with issues related to substance abuse. A video was reportedly shot by his drug dealer. The guy is constantly being taped but never seems to notice the cameras. Is that a side effect of crack?

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver banned Donald Sterling for life and urged NBA owners to force him to sell the team, which they need three quarters of the vote to do. So far there’s been no statement from Sterling, who is believed to be holed up in his fortress of whiteitude.

I hope the rehab works. I talk about Rob Ford so much, I almost feel like he works here.

“The Amazing Spiderman 2” opened tonight. They say it’s the best since the last “Amazing Spiderman 2.”
Late Night With Seth Meyers

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s lawyers said that he will take a leave of absence to seek help for substance abuse. Though they didn’t say whether the substance in question was crack or gravy.

The Royal Court of Saudi Arabia has launched a website that will accept complaints against the government and send them directly to the king. You can even submit a second complaint if you want — using your remaining hand.

This year the Colorado symphony will host a bring-your-own-marijuana concert series, called “Classically Cannabis.” Or if you don’t like classical music, you can attend the bring-your-own-marijuana concert called “any other concert.”

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