Sunday Funnies

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Friday Apr 04 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The big news is that yesterday David Letterman announced that he is retiring from “The Late Show” in 2015. I couldn’t believe it. And neither could my parents. They said, “Guess we’ll have to start watching YOU now.”

President Obama invited the U.S. Olympic team to the White House yesterday to congratulate them on their performance in Sochi. Of course it got awkward when Biden told the biathletes, “I won’t rest until all you guys can get married.”

Hillary Clinton yesterday made some very strong remarks about the media. She said that the media treat powerful women with a double standard. Or as it got reported in most places, “Hillary Clinton shows off sassy new haircut.”

McDonald’s announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, “Is good to hear. Even I don’t have weapon as destructive as McRib.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Earlier today, I called the president of CBS, the guy who owns the network, Leslie Moonves, and said, “I’m retiring.” There was a pause and then he said, “Who is this?”

A year from now I’ll be on the beach with a metal detector.

Immediately after I made that call, CBS posted a guard by the office supplies.

If you thought I was phoning it in before — you know what I’m saying?

Monday Apr 07 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

“Game of Thrones” fans are mad at HBO after its streaming service, HBO Go, crashed during last night’s season 4 premiere. Yeah, it was overloaded with millions of viewers — and that was just the cast of “Game of Thrones.”

“Game of Thrones” fans haven’t been this upset since the end of every episode of “Game of Thrones.”

Tonight UConn played Kentucky in the men’s NCAA championship. The UConn women’s team, the Lady Huskies, also made it to the championship. The team was really excited until they remembered they’re called “Lady Huskies.”

The No. 1 movie this weekend was “Captain America: The Winter Soldier,” which has already made $303 million at the worldwide box office. So in other words, Captain America has more money than regular America.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Last night was the big premiere of “Game of Thrones.” So many people watched it that HBO’s website crashed. And as a result the website’s been renamed HBO-bamacare.

in England, a screening of the movie “Noah” had to be canceled because of flooding. I guess we know one person who didn’t like the movie.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.

Police in San Francisco are looking for a group of vandals who have been tipping Smart cars over. Well, they’re assuming it’s vandals. It could have just been a stiff breeze.

The archbishop of Atlanta is being forced to sell a $2.2 million mansion he bought using church funds. The bishop said he wanted the extra space because he was tired of only moving diagonally.

Tuesday Apr 08 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to the UConn Huskies for beating Kentucky to win the NCAA tournament. It was a very big night for Shabazz Napier, who scored 22 points in his team’s win. Yeah, Shabazz Napier. He’s the first NCAA player to be named by John Travolta.

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton sat next to each other at the big game. Clinton congratulated UConn on its big win, while Bush gave Kentucky a “Mission Accomplished” banner.

Authorities in New York recently arrested a man at JFK Airport with seven pounds of cocaine hidden inside goat meat. Or as Toronto Mayor Rob Ford calls that, “an hors d’oeuvre.”

Mazda is having to recall 42,000 cars because spiders have been making webs near the engine vent, which could cause fires. They said, “If you have a Mazda, just hop into that spider-infested fireball and drive it on back to the dealership.”
Conan

A man got a tattoo saying that Kentucky won the NCAA tournament this year even though they lost. The tattoo is right above his tattoo congratulating President Mitt Romney.

In a recent survey, 84 percent of Americans were unable to locate Ukraine on a map. When he heard this, Vladimir Putin said, “That’s easy, it’s in Russia now.”

In England, a movie theater had to cancel a showing of “Noah” due to a flood in the movie theatre. Either that or the 3-D in that theater is really good.

Late Show with David Letterman

At the NCAA men’s basketball championship, President Clinton sat with President George W. Bush. In the second half, Bush tried to catch a foul ball.

Last month, over 200,000 jobs were created in the United States. And that doesn’t count this one.

Last week I mentioned to folks I was retiring and the reaction has been overwhelming, but the most impressive reaction since I made that announcement is now I’m seeing kind of a wistful tone to my hate mail.

About a year from now, I’ll be doing commercials for reverse mortgages.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Congratulations to the Huskies, who are the NCAA champs. There were a lot of celebrities at the game last night. Bill Clinton and George W. Bush sat together. Apparently they’re becoming good friends. I smell a sitcom.

Married Louisiana Congressman Vance McAllister is in a bit of hot water. He was caught by a security camera making out with one of his staffers. Where was this security camera? In his own office.

To his credit, the congressman did all the right things after being caught. He spent time with his family. He apologized to voters. And then he fired the woman he was making out with.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

A new survey shows that New York is still the top spot for vacationers during holidays. And the most popular New York City attraction for those tourists is the middle of the sidewalk.

Al Sharpton responded to accusations that he served as an FBI informant, saying, “I was not and am not a rat. I’m a cat. I chase rats.” He added, “I was not an informant on a boat, I was not an informant on a goat, I was not an informant in the rain, I was not an informant on a train.”

Wednesday Apr 09 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

A computer virus called “Heartbleed” has affected two-thirds of all websites. Security experts are warning people that they need to change their Internet passwords. Then my mom said, “No problem. I’ll just change my password to 1-2-3-4-5-7!”

Congrats to the UConn Lady Huskies, who won the National Championship just one night after the men’s team won. They had a perfect 40-0 season. The men’s team called to congratulate them, while the Lakers called to ask them when they could start in L.A.

Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner. He turned 88 years old today. His friends threw him a big party. They had a naked woman jump out of a giant bran muffin.

HBO has renewed “Game of Thrones” for two more seasons even though author George R.R. Martin hasn’t finished writing the books yet. So if you’re wondering who’s most likely to die at the end, it’s George R.R. Martin.
Conan

Big news out of the White House. According to a new rule, Secret Service agents can no longer drink alcohol 12 hours before reporting to duty. The rule came at the request of President Barack O-buzzkill.

The North Korean dictator is in the news again. He was re-elected with 100 percent of the vote. He said, “I haven’t been this happy since I scored 700,000 on the SAT exam.”

“Captain America” is currently the No. 1 movie in China. The Chinese say their favorite part is when Captain America asks Captain China for a $17 trillion loan.

Late Show with David Letterman

Last week I announced that I’m retiring. Now I’m hoping I can hang on long enough so my son can take over the show. I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached.

I’ll tell you exactly the moment I made the decision to retire. A couple of months ago my cue card boy came to me and said, “Mr. Letterman, I’m sorry. I just can’t print the jokes any bigger.”

It’s Derek Jeter’s final year in baseball. Don’t you hate it when a guy announces his retirement a year in advance? And then spends every day milking it for cheap sentimentality?

On the program tonight — Lindsay Lohan. She thinks I’m Dr. Phil. She’s very excited to be here tonight because this means she’ll have an alibi.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Researchers say our brains are changing because of the Internet, because we’re not reading in a linear fashion anymore. So the Internet is destroying our brains. That’s what The Washington Post says. That’s a newspaper. They are going to say the Internet’s bad. That’s like Cat Fancy magazine coming out against dogs.

The Washington Post says Americans spend five hours online every day. And that’s just signing up for Obamacare.

Classic novels will have to be more like tweets so people can understand them. You’ll no longer join Oprah’s Book Club. It will be Oprah’s Tweet Club.

Titles of classic books will have to be changed for people with short attention spans. You’ll have “A Tale of One City.” “The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to Fresno.” “The Grape of Wrath.” “Of Mouse and Man.” “The Guinness Book of One or Two Things.” “Gulliver’s Staycation.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Nowadays high school students make videos asking models to go to the prom with them. Kate Upton is here tonight to tell them to stop.

The price of beef is skyrocketing. Which means it’s time to start hoarding jerky.

There is a bacon shortage on the way. A mysterious virus has been killing pigs. We might have to eat L.T. sandwiches.

Do you know what a great substitute for bacon is? Nothing! There is no substitute for bacon.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

Yesterday Hillary Clinton admitted she is thinking about running for president. Though it would be more shocking if she admitted to ever thinking about anything else.

France has passed new legislation that makes it illegal to work after 6 p.m. They’re hoping to encourage workers to spend more time with their mistresses.

A Swedish software company has created a new app that records and analyzes what you say during sleep. You can tell the app is working when it’s mad at you the whole next day.

New research shows that seniors can improve their memory by looking after their grandchildren once a week. Because nothing improves a person’s memory like frantically trying to remember where they left their grandchild.

Thursday Apr 10 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

I have a big announcement: Starting in 2015, I will be the new host of the Colbert Report on Comedy Central.

Congratulations to our pal Stephen Colbert, who will be taking over for David Letterman next year. People in the media are already talking about there being a new late-night war — and I just want to say there’s not going to be any war. It’ll be a late-night dance-off. Get ready, Stephen.

With the World Cup just a few a months away, Brazil still hasn’t finished building the stadiums. Now there’s talk that the World Cup is looking into other places to hold the games. I’m not an expert on soccer, but have they tried ANY empty field?

A math blogger says he’s figured out “the world’s favorite number.” It turns out that it’s “7.” The least popular number? The fake phone number you get when you tell a girl you’re a math blogger.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

North Korea is negotiating to broadcast the “Teletubbies.” They have to make changes for North Korean TV. For starters, every episode will end with one of the Teletubbies being executed. And, of course, every Teletubby will have Kim Jung Un’s haircut.

CNN announced that Anthony Bourdain’s show is taking over Piers Morgan’s time slot. Anthony is a culinary expert who loves good food. His show is the highest-rated series on CNN. But let’s be honest. The highest-rated series on CNN is like being the least drunk Australian.

Anthony Bourdain wrote books about food. Hey, let’s play “Books About Food.” There’s “The Ketchup on the Rye.” “To Grill a Mockingbird.” “The Burritos of Madison County.” “Lord of the Onion Rings.” “50 Shades of Gravy.” “Harry Pot Roast.”

I’m announcing my retirement. I’m announcing my retirement for a couple of minutes until the commercials are over and then I’m making a comeback.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Apparently a lot of people are naming their kids after characters from “Game of Thrones.” The name “Khaleesi” has gone way up. What better way to be reminded of gratuitous sex and violence than whenever you call your child.

I love “Game of Thrones.” But don’t name your baby “Khaleesi.” If not for your kid’s sake, do it for the poor baristas at Starbucks.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

A super-PAC urging Hillary Clinton to run for president says it raised $1.7 million in the first three months of the year. Said President Obama, “I’ll kick in another million if she’s willing to start early.”

The federal judge presiding over a court case between Apple and Samsung has threatened to confiscate all phones following frequent disruptions — while lawyers from Blackberry just now got the email with the court date.

A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.

New reports show that the price of Whole Foods stock has gone up twelve-fold since 2008. The stock is valued at $50.32 a share, or about one cantaloupe from Whole Foods.

Source

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