Sunday Funnies

By 7 Comments 1,459 views

Friday Mar 28 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The movie “Noah” comes out this weekend. It follows the story of a family trying to survive God’s wrath on a giant boat for months. Or as that’s more commonly known, a Carnival Cruise.

“Noah” tells the story of a man who takes on a massive project that no one believes in. Or as Obama put it, “Been there.”

At March Madness, Dayton beat Stanford to advance to the Elite Eight. Stanford students haven’t been this disappointed since they didn’t get into Harvard.

The Philadelphia 76ers lost their 26th straight game last night to tie an NBA record. Yeah, they only TIED the record. Man, those guys can’t win anything.

You know the 76ers don’t even have cheerleaders? They have “grief counselors.”

Monday Mar 31 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The March Madness Final Four was set last night with Connecticut taking on Florida, and Wisconsin taking on Kentucky. Meanwhile, Duke will be taking on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

Connecticut beat Michigan State, the team that President Obama had picked to win the whole tournament. It completely busted his bracket. Which explains why today Connecticut got a fruit basket from Vladimir Putin.

California is having to drive 30 million salmon to the ocean because this year’s drought has dried up the rivers that normally get them there. Unfortunately, to make the salmon comfortable, the truckers had to drive against traffic.

Today the federal government unveiled new safety guidelines that will require all new cars to have rearview cameras by 2018. Rearview cameras — or as that was called in our station wagon growing up, “Jimmy.”
Conan

It’s great to be here in Dallas for the Final Four. Of course, in Texas the Final Four refers to the number of Democrats in the Legislature.

I will try my hardest ever to give you people a great show. You know why? Because I know you’re all armed.

Today is opening day for Major League Baseball. By the way, just an hour ago the Houston Astros were mathematically eliminated.

Sports is not the only thing you have in this town. Dallas is home to many incredible art museums. And while I’m here I plan to drive by all of them.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s baseball’s opening day. This will be the first time the New York Yankees will be playing without the services of their relief ace Mariano Rivera since World War II.

I can hardly wait to get to Yankee Stadium to see their newest $200 million disappointment.

The new movie “Noah” is a blockbuster but a lot of people say it’s not accurate. I thought it was accurate, especially the part when the ark hits the iceberg.

Last week the Internet turned 25 years old. I always thought the Internet was invented by that Bill Applegate guy, but it was not.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

(Guest host Drew Carey): I’m so very excited to be on “The Late Late Show” because growing up I wanted to be a talk-show host, but success got in the way.

Craig called me and said, “You want to host the show?” And I said, “You’ve got a show?” I was shocked.

I saw “Noah” this weekend. Not as good as the book.

Keith Richards is writing a children’s book. I think it’s called “Green Eggs and Whiskey.” Or “Horton Hears a Hallucination.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live

We are minutes away from April Fools’ Day. So don’t forget to turn your friends’ clocks back an hour.

April Fools’ Day sneaks up on you. But if you’re up now while your husband or wife or kids or parents are asleep, you have the upper hand. It’s almost like they’re asking you to do something to them.

I like to come up with custom pranks specifically tailored to the individual. I like to expose their fears, their weaknesses, etc.

I want to wish a happy birthday to Batman. Yesterday was the 75th anniversary of the first time Batman appeared in a comic book. He spent a quiet evening at home watching Netflix with Robin.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Secret Service arrested a man today after he tried to scale a fence at the White House. They reportedly said to the man, “Sorry, but you still have two more years, Mr. President.”

Today was opening day for Major League Baseball. Which means we’re only 17 months away from the World Series.

A new study on unemployment shows that it is now harder to get a job at Wal-Mart than to get accepted at Harvard. Of course, it’s a lot easier if your dad went to Wal-Mart.

Tuesday Apr 01 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Officials in Finland say the Russian army is now conducting drills on its border. Or as Vladimir Putin calls that, “window shopping.”

The White House says it’s surpassed its goal for people enrolled in Obamacare. It’s amazing what you can achieve when you make something mandatory and fine people if they don’t do it, and keep extending the deadline for months.

If you still haven’t enrolled, you might have to pay a penalty called the “individual shared responsibility payment,” which is 1 percent of your salary. Then Americans said, “Good thing I don’t have a job.”

U.N. experts are saying that climate change could start threatening the world’s supply of fruits and vegetables. Then Americans said, “OK, let us know when it starts affecting Twinkies and Hot Pockets.”
Conan

Hello, Dallas! This is our second night here. Dallas is known for its strip clubs so last night I visited one. It was great. I got to meet all the Dallas Cowboys in person.

Southwest Airlines is headquartered in Dallas. In honor of this being their headquarters, the show will be delayed for two hours.

Dallas is the largest city in America that is not near a large body of water. That explains the city’s original motto: “Whose bright idea was this?”

The Dallas Public Library displays one of the original copies of the Declaration of Independence — also the only copy stained with barbecue sauce.

Late Show with David Letterman

The Yankees open up tonight. They have a lot of lineup changes. Alex Rodriguez is gone, and Robinson Cano too. And the great Mariano Rivera is gone. He’s now the closer at Westchester Volvo.

The Mets lost yesterday. They had a tough season last year and the year before that. They’ve had a tough century, come to think of it.

The population in New York City has grown by a quarter of a million people in the last 10 years. And you know what else? Most of those people are talk-show hosts.

Here’s how crowded it is in New York City. Today a guy gave me $200 in cash to take a later elevator.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

The official presidential candidate for the Ukrainian Internet Party is a man in a Darth Vader costume. Not to be confused with the president of Russia, who is Darth Vader in a man costume.

The Department of Agriculture is encouraging grandparents to read their grandchildren bedtime stories about nutrition. Stories like “Goodnight Kale,” “James and the Giant Organic Peach,” and “The Little Engine That Could, Thanks to His High-Fiber Diet.”

Tiger Woods announced that he won’t play in the Masters because he’s recovering from back surgery. His doctors have told him to avoid swinging — and also golfing.

During a show put on for China’s Fashion Week, three different models fell on the runway — proving it’s really hard to walk and make clothes at the same time.

Wednesday Apr 02 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The White House finally met their enrollment goal for Obamacare. President Obama held a press conference and said this means that Obamacare is “here to stay.” He added, “because if you think getting INTO the program was hard, just try getting OUT.”

There’s a kid here in New York who has been accepted to all eight Ivy League colleges. Seriously? I can’t even name all eight Ivy League colleges.

He was accepted to all eight Ivy League colleges. Even his parents were like, “Nerd.”

Las Vegas just opened the world’s tallest Ferris wheel, which is 550 feet high. They say it’s the perfect place to take your kids — and then leave them while you hit the blackjack table.
Conan

I’ve been loving it here in Dallas this week. Last night I tried to eat healthy so I went to a vegetarian restaurant. They serve a barbecued vegetarian.

I like the way you Texans abbreviate things. “How do you do” became “howdy.” “You all” became “y’all,” and “hell on earth” became “El Paso.”

Texas may soon be getting a bullet train. The train will run from Taco Cabana to the closest bathroom.

Baseball season started this week. This year for $500 you can have your marriage proposal shown live on the Jumbotron at the Astros stadium. It’s also the only way Astros fans will get to see anyone receive a ring.

Late Show with David Letterman

“Noah” is a blockbuster of a movie with a lot of surprises. Two days out and Noah realized he’s allergic to lion dander.

My favorite scene in the “Noah” movie was during the big storm when Noah is on deck struggling with an umbrella.

They had two of every species on the ark. We get that here in the balcony some nights.

Tiger Woods pulled out of the Masters. He’s got a pinched nerve in his neck. It’s really a problem. It starts in his neck, and then radiates down through the shoulder all the way down his check-writing arm.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Clinton is here tonight to remind us about how happy we used to be.

Our security tonight is heightened. It’s tight. Did everyone in the audience get a cavity search?

In mere minutes, President Clinton will be sitting in the same spot once occupied by both Honey Boo Boo and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. That chair is going to be so confused.

Toronto’s city council voted on whether to name a street after Nelson Mandela and whether to congratulate Canada’s Olympic athletes. Both votes passed 40-1. Can you guess who that one vote against was? Rob Ford. He now says he got the buttons confused. Come on, Toronto, how could you not re-elect this guy? He’s the best. And it’s Wednesday. This is the first mistake he’s made all week.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. She’ll get the house and the car and he’ll get Crimea, Ukraine, Belarus . . .

Vladimir Putin’s divorce became final today. So ladies, he’s officially single. Run!

A new poll has found that 75 percent of Americans believe marijuana legalization is inevitable. The same 75 percent also said inevitable is a funny word because you never hear “evitable.” What does evitable mean?

That’s right, 75 percent of Americans think marijuana eventually will be legal, while the other 25 percent said, “What, it’s illegal?”

Thursday Apr 03 2014
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan just released his budget proposal for 2015. Of course, a lot of people are criticizing it. For example, during a speech yesterday President Obama referred to the budget as a “stinkburger” and a “meanwich.” Ryan called Obama immature, while Chris Christie called to see if he had any more of those stinkburgers or meanwiches.

Our good pal, Rob Ford, is at it again. Yesterday he was the only member of Toronto’s city council to vote “no” on a measure to congratulate Canada’s Winter Olympians. He said, “If someone’s gonna be rewarded for not falling on their face, it should be me.”

Ford also voted against naming a street after Nelson Mandela. But he claims that he simply hit the wrong button. Then people who voted for Rob Ford were like, “Been there.”

Tomorrow, George W. Bush will open an art exhibit at his presidential library that will feature portraits he painted of various world leaders. He was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn’t find it.
Conan

This is my last night in Dallas. So I’ve got to leave Texas with new friends, great memories and dangerously clogged arteries. I have eaten my body weight every night. Literally, I weigh myself before the meal and I say bring me that much meat.

Dallas is home to the first Six Flags theme park. Or, if you really like being on a roller coaster, you can just root for the Cowboys.

The Dallas Cowboys are known as America’s team. Meanwhile, the Astros are definitely known as Houston’s team.

Texas was an independent nation that bordered the U.S. from 1836 to 1846. And then the U.S. surrendered to Texas.

Late Show with David Letterman

Everybody’s excited about the beginning of baseball season. The Yankees are off to a rough start. They are 0-and-2. Alex Rodriguez, who is no longer a Yankee, sits home nights watching the games and injecting himself with dip.

Evil Russian president Vladimir Putin and his wife have divorced. They say it was amicable. It must be because she’s still alive.

The “Noah” film is a huge hit. Paramount pictures presents one of the greatest stories of all time re-imagined as you have never seen it before. “Noah,” starring Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Emma Watson and Matt Damon as the animals.

Chris Christie, what a guy. He allegedly closes down the George Washington Bridge. Everybody goes crazy. And he says, “I’ll handle this. I’m going to investigate myself.” So he investigates himself. He finds out that he, in fact, is innocent. He came up with a classic defense, “If the pants don’t fit, you must acquit.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Discovery Channel just announced plans for a new miniseries. It’s hosting a race to land an unmanned spacecraft on the moon. So technically savvy individuals can compete to see who can get their spacecraft to the moon first. It will be televised live. The show aims to prove that people who are bright and determined and work hard can accomplish anything we already accomplished 50 years ago.

The miniseries is said to be the first step towards Discovery Channel’s ultimate goal, which is the first shark week on the moon.

The NFL is using technology to get football fans all sorts of new ways to enjoy the games. They have a new app that will allow you to buy what they call experiences at the stadium. And one of the experiences fans can buy is an in-seat visit from a cheerleader, which is an idea pioneered by every strip club ever.

Hall of Fame pitcher Nolan Ryan threw out the first pitch at last night’s Houston Astros game. Nolan Ryan has had many memorable pitches throughout his storied career. This was not one of them.

Two Spanish historians believe that they’ve discovered the Holy Grail. Indiana Jones found it back in 1989, but they lost track of it.
Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Kremlin announced yesterday that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. Over their 30-year marriage, the couple shared two daughters, several homes and one laugh.

Apparently, Kathie Lee Gifford has been asked to stop advertising her new wine on the Today Show. Though I think Kathie Lee is less of an advertisement for wine and more of a public service announcement.

A South Carolina man had to be rescued by police after he got stuck in a ventilation shaft while trying to break into Arby’s. If he’s convicted, he could be sentenced to as many as 10 sandwiches from Arby’s.

Willie Nelson’s stuffed armadillo has been returned after being stolen from a Las Vegas show. And I’m sure Willie was happy to get it back, considering what it’s probably stuffed with.

A new survey ranking American airports named LaGuardia as the worst in the country, and JFK as the second worst. The third worst was somehow LaGuardia again.

Source

4_14663820140402101151 12_14645720140329044934 12_14650420140331085445 81_14651120140331094421 81_14660320140401103246 81_14669720140403094359 130331bridgegateRGB20140331061145 146733_600 146741_600 aria_c11758620140402120100 aria_c11766120140404120100 bg032814dAPR20140328064517 bg040114dAPR20140401114515 bg040214dAPR20140402014518 bg040314dAPC20140403024729 cb032814dAPR20140328024522 cb032914dAPR20140328054512 cb040314dAPR20140403084515 cb040414dAPR20140404034514 Foden20140330-Pope A Dope20140329051818 Foden20140331-Reid20140331040544 Foden20140403-7 million20140403015556 gmc11758220140402074900 holb_c11747820140331120100 holb_c11752720140401120100 holb_c11759220140403120100 holb_c11762220140404120100 kn033014dAPR20140326114623 lb0402cd20140401011224 lb0403cd20140402092900 lb0404cd20140403094714 mrz033014dAPR20140328114807 mrz040214dAPR20140402034519 mrz040314dAPR20140403074516 mrz040414dAPR20140404124609 payn_c11752320140331120100 payn_c11752420140401120100 payn_c11761620140403120100 payn_c11761720140404120100 sbr033014dAPR20140329015020 sbr040114dAPR20140401104605 sbr040214dAPR20140402075421 sbr040414dAPR20140404024511 sk040214dAPR20140402054527 RAMclr-040614-fthood-IBD-FINAL-COLOR.gif.cms beeler140406beeler140403beeler140404 10eSRO.AuSt.98 10x2dN.AuSt.98 AFWJP.AuSt.98 tf3kk.AuSt.98

7 Responses to “Sunday Funnies”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *