Sunday Funnies

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Friday Oct 11 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It is now day 11 of the government shutdown and we knew sooner or later something like this was going to happen. Despite the national parks being shut down, several men were severely mauled by bears yesterday. But enough about the New York Giants.

Military officials say a former al-Qaida explosives expert may be released from Guantanamo because he now weighs 420 pounds. He’s 420 pounds and former al-Qaida. Sounds more like “former Al Roker,” doesn’t it?

Because this guy doubled his weight in prison — he’s too fat — they are going to let him out. You know what that means? OJ could be getting out any day now.

Detroit’s former mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, has been sentenced to 28 years in prison for corruption. Well, lucky for him his years in Detroit will count as time served.

Late Show with David Letterman

If you go to the country of Kuwait, they give you something called a gay test. It’s apparently illegal to be gay in Kuwait, so they ask one question, “Do you watch the Tony Awards?”

We seem to be getting along just fine without a government during the shutdown. I just pray that when the shutdown is over, all nonessential employees — about 800,000 of them — will be back at their nonessential jobs.

They passed out the Nobel Prizes. The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry — that’s an interesting category — went to John Boehner and Barack Obama.

President Obama’s approval rating is down to 37 percent. Time to kill bin Laden again.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There’s a big movie opening today — “Machete Kills.” Mel Gibson is a bloodthirsty villain who goes nuts and terrorizes people. I have no idea what he plays in the movie.

Sunday night is the return of “The Walking Dead.” It’s a great show even though it’s not on CBS. Actually, CBS does have its own zombie show on Sunday nights. It’s called “60 Minutes.”

If you’ve never seen “The Walking Dead,” it’s basically a bunch of bloodthirsty zombies slowly devouring what’s left of America. No wait, that’s C-SPAN.

“The Walking Dead” is on AMC. AMC has that “Mad Men” show. More people would watch “Mad Men” if it had zombies.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Last night, the Giants lost to the Bears, making them 0 and 6, their worst record in over 30 years. It’s gotten so bad, even Tim Tebow was like, “If they call, I am NOT HERE.”

Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown. In fact, the Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, “Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one.”

The Vatican made news this week after it released 6,000 commemorative medals with the word “Jesus” misspelled. When they saw what happened, the Vatican was like, “Oh, my Dog!”

Monday Oct 14 2013

Late Show with David Letterman

How many of you are only here because you had trouble signing up for Obamacare?

Over the weekend I got on the computer and I tried to sign up for Obamacare. I had no trouble whatsoever. I signed right up for Obamacare and ordered six months of Mexican Viagra.

There was a Columbus Day parade here in New York City. Columbus thought he landed in India. Instead he landed in the Bahamas. If he were alive today he’d be running an Italian cruise ship.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It is yet another bad day for the American government. It’s still shut down — Shut down like the New York Giants.

I can’t believe it’s Columbus day already. I haven’t even taken down my Arbor Day decorations.

Columbus Day, of course, is the day we pay tribute to the most exciting city in central Ohio.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today was day 14 of the government shutdown. I am starting to forget what it is like to have a government. There was a guy with big ears and a suit who talked about hope. That is all gone.

Just when you think that Congress could not do anything less, they manage to. At this point the government is like a house on Halloween that turns out the lights and leaves a bowl of candy on the front porch.

On Thursday the Bears beat the Giants. Usually the Giants lose on Sundays but they wanted to get it in early this week so they could enjoy the weekend.

Tuesday Oct 15 2013

Conan

A Somali pirate leader has been captured in a sting operation where he was lured to Belgium with the promise of starring in a movie about his life. When he showed up, they arrested him. The leader of the Taliban has now been offered a part on “Two Broke Girls.”

Pope Francis is reportedly selling his Harley-Davidson motorcycle. When asked why he was selling it, he said, “When I get it over 30 miles an hour, it’s hard to keep my hat on.”

This week at New York’s Comic Con, Sylvester Stallone charged fans almost $500 for a photo with him. So far he’s made almost $500.

A new study shows that eating bacon can lower a man’s chances of getting a woman pregnant. Scientists are calling it alarming. Men are calling it a win-win.

Late Show with David Letterman

Here in New York City the good news is that in the last week no murders took place. Seven days without a murder. The New York Giants said, “Hey, wait a minute, we’ve been killed six weeks in a row! What are you talking about?”

Any New York Giants fans here tonight? Well, we’ll sneak you out the back.

Archie Manning, the father of Eli and Peyton, held a press conference earlier today and announced Eli was actually the son of Frank Sinatra.

It looks to me like the Giants won’t win a game this season. It’s hard to be optimistic at 0-6 unless, you know, they work Rutgers into the schedule.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Because of the government shutdown, the White House is under attack — by squirrels. They’ve invaded the White House garden because the gardeners were laid off. Michelle Obama planted a garden to show how easy it is to grow your own food. All you need is water, sunlight, and 50 full-time federal employees.

A lot of people got mad when Michelle Obama expanded the White House garden. That just shows you some people don’t know their history. When Eleanor Roosevelt grew a garden, it was a “victory garden.” But when Michelle Obama does it, it’s a “communist plot.”

When I first heard the White House was under attack by freaky rodents, I thought, “What’s Ann Coulter done now?”

This kind of thing would never have happened under George W. Bush because Dick Cheney would have been on the White House lawn blasting the squirrels with a shotgun.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It’s day 15 of the government shutdown. President Obama said he was hopeful an agreement would be reached tonight. Part of the problem is that Republicans can’t even agree among themselves on what they want. Which means Obama doesn’t know what to tell them they can’t have.

The effects of the shutdown are being felt in the White House vegetable garden. Because the gardeners have been furloughed, the vegetables are starting to rot. Is it possible that President Obama intentionally engineered the shutdown just so he would have an excuse to eat a cheeseburger?

I am anxious for them to get the shutdown resolved. After 15 days, I’m starting to run out of jokes about it.

Wednesday Oct 16 2013

Conan

President Obama said the day after the budget deal is made he’s going to concentrate on immigration. He says he will start by deporting Ted Cruz.

Today John McCain said the shutdown was, quote, one of the most shameful things he’s seen as a senator. That’s from a guy who saw Lincoln get shot.

In a new interview, the Dalai Lama endorsed medical marijuana. So now we know why the Dalai Lama sits around in a robe all day.

Researchers are in the process of creating an underwater Wi-Fi network. Finally a way for people to tweet “I’m drowning.”

Late Show with David Letterman

For the last week, guess what in New York City? No murders. I think it’s because of the government shutdown, but I’m not sure.

What this means is New Yorkers are committing their murders out of town.

There were no murders in New York City. Everybody says, “Yeah, that’s great.” But here’s what I’m thinking: “Oh, no, does this mean now the subway will be crowded?”

When the government defaults we will lose our ability to borrow money — and also we will lose our membership in Sam’s Club.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Congress finally reopened the government. Unfortunately, some underlying issues still remain. Republicans oppose tax increases. Democrats oppose benefit cuts. And John McCain opposes kids on his lawn.

The new deal means the U.S. will be able to pay off its debts. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. By “everyone” I mean China.

MSNBC said the end of the shutdown would be a win for Democrats. Fox News said it would be a win for Republicans. CNN said — I don’t know. Nobody watches that, do they?

I’m glad the shutdown is over. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said that now is not the time to point fingers. Well, let me know when it is. I’ve got one for him and the rest of Congress. Tell me the right time and I’ll send it right to you, you incompetent buffoons!

Jimmy Kimmel Live

After 16 days the government shutdown is over. Right now a devastated Ted Cruz is filibustering a squirrel on the lawn of the Capitol building.

Some in Congress are acting like this is a big achievement. I don’t think so. If you pick up a gun and don’t shoot yourself in the leg with it, that’s not really an achievement.

The government will temporarily reopen until January 15 with the debt ceiling raised until February 7, and then we’ll do this over again. Why do we have a debt ceiling? Why can’t we get rid of the debt ceiling, have a convertible government and feel the wind in our national hair?

Thursday Oct 17 2013

Conan

In a speech today President Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation. He said this because Obama likes to start off a speech with a joke.

Yesterday John McCain said the government shutdown was worse than the one in ’95. That’s 1795. He was 44 at the time, cleaning a musket for his son.

After the shutdown debacle, the tea party’s approval rating is 23 percent. In other words, it’s the first time the tea party has ever been supported by a minority.

Chris Christie said if one of his children were gay, he would, quote, hug them and tell them I love them. Of course, he said the same thing about the Keebler Elves.

Late Show with David Letterman

There have been no murders in New York City for eight days in a row. Crime has diminished so greatly that I can’t remember the last time I was forced at gunpoint to dig my own grave.

Donald Trump is on the program tonight. We are very lucky. It’s almost impossible to get this guy in front of a camera.

People are saying Donald Trump is going to run for governor of New York. I don’t know. It could just be a rumor. All I know is earlier today Donald demanded to see his own birth certificate.

I don’t think Donald Trump will run for governor of New York. He’s too busy firing D-list celebrities.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s the first day with the government back. The shutdown’s over, national parks have reopened, federal employees are back at work. But hey, just tell me if the panda cam is back on.

Today the National Postal Museum in Washington, D.C., reopened. For the last few weeks, they haven’t had a single visitor. To be fair, it’s like that all the time.

This morning Joe Biden personally greeted government employees who’d been out of work during the shutdown. Haven’t those people suffered enough?

Joe Biden brought donuts for the government employees. That is very nice. A donut and Joe Biden are very different, of course. One’s a doughy thing that Hillary Clinton’s going to eat for breakfast — and the other is a doughnut.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The government shutdown officially ended last night. Should we be happy the government is back? I feel like my sister got back together with an abusive boyfriend or something.

As far as I know, President Obama signed a bill to redo the ceiling at the Capitol building and now the zoo is open again.

Anthony Wiener is back in the news. He said an interesting thing. He said if the Internet didn’t exist he would probably be mayor of New York. Yeah, and I would be flying right now if gravity didn’t exist.

Before the Internet Anthony Wiener would have been a regular guy in a trench coat hiding behind a tree.

Source

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