Sunday Funnies

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Friday Sep 27 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

We are three days away from a government shutdown. And two days away from a total collapse if you’re a New York Giants fan.

Speaking of 0 and 3 teams, to help boost attendance, the Jacksonville Jaguars are offering fans two free beers if they buy a ticket for this weekend’s game. Two beers — is that going to be enough to help you forget you’re rooting for the Jacksonville Jaguars?

O.J. Simpson was caught stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria. How far has O.J. fallen? Here’s a guy who got away with murder and now he can’t get even steal a couple of cookies.

O.J. is huge. Even though he’s in jail, he’s still considered at large.

Late Show with David Letterman

I’ll tell you a sure sign that it’s autumn in New York City. The Yankees have gone into hibernation.

Some people got together and set a new world record in Times Square yesterday for twerking. And still Vladimir Putin says Americans aren’t exceptional.

The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, “If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating.”

O.J. Simpson has been arrested in prison. He was caught stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria. Do you get the feeling that O.J.’s not even trying anymore? But O.J. is vowing to find the real cookie thief.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Albuquerque’s economy will take a hit because “Breaking Bad” is coming to an end. Man, that’s bad news. If only there was some way for them to make some quick cash.

O.J. Simpson was recently caught stealing cookies from the cafeteria of his Nevada prison. Simpson says he did not steal the cookies, but he’s writing a book about how he WOULD’VE done it.

That’s right, O.J. was caught stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria. Unfortunately, officials blew the case when they had him stick his hand in the cookie jar and it wouldn’t fit.

This was actually creating a lot of controversy today. The maker of Barilla pasta is facing criticism after saying that he would not show gay families in his company’s ads. The gay community said they would definitely boycott — you know, if they still ate carbs.

Monday Sep 30 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Well, last night we got to see how “Breaking Bad” ended, and tonight we get to see how the federal government ends.

This whole government shutdown thing comes down to who will blink first. Well, we know it won’t be Nancy Pelosi. We know that for sure because she hasn’t blinked since the last shutdown.

If the government does shut down, nonessential White House employees will be sent home without pay — so more bad news for Joe Biden.

Since 1976 there have been 17 government shutdowns. The longest was during the four years that Jimmy Carter was president.

Late Show with David Letterman

Happy birthday to former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who is 77 years old. They had a pretty good birthday party for the former prime minister. He was only Tasered twice.

Do you care that the U.S. government’s shutting down? I thought they were already shut down. I mean, honestly.

Even if the government shuts down, Americans don’t care. The last time Americans cared about anything was when they shut down the Twinkie factory.

The shutdown will affect some national parks and museums. They’re going to close the Smithsonian. So if you have tickets, forget it. You’re not getting in. They’re going to close the National Air & Space Museum. They’re closing the Hillary Clinton Pantsuit Museum.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Last night 10.3 million people watched the series finale of “Breaking Bad.” That’s a lot of people. To give you an idea how many, take the number of people who watch this show and add 10.3 million.

Today on Twitter, celebrities posted reactions to the “Breaking Bad” finale. Rosie O’Donnell congratulated the cast. Zach Braff said it was an awesome ending. Mel Gibson blamed the Jews.

I haven’t watched the “Breaking Bad” finale yet. I was doing standup in Las Vegas. Why watch meth addicts on TV when I can perform before an entire audience of them?

Last night in Hollywood they held a special screening of the “Breaking Bad” finale at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. A screening at a cemetery? It sold out quickly. People were dying to get in.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Who would have ever guessed that when it was all said and done, the show “Breaking Bad” would end up being a PSA warning about the health risk of using artificial sweeteners?

In one final burst, “Breaking Bad” character Walter White broke into the House of Representatives and demanded that Obamacare be repealed or he would blow up the country. Wait a minute, I might have been watching CNN.

Walter White built an oscillating machine gun that popped up out of the trunk and he killed all the skinheads at once. He was like “Methgyver” and tied up all the loose ends.

I hosted a Q & A with the “Breaking Bad” cast. There was a party afterwards. It was very strange to drink a beer with the group of Nazis I had just seen murdered. That was a first for me.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The series finale of “Breaking Bad” was last night. More than 10 million people tuned in for that show. It ended with death, violence, and tragedy. Or as New York Giants fans put it, “Not the worst thing I saw on TV today.”

Yesterday the Vikings and the Steelers played a game in London. Fans were like, “I wish we had our own NFL team?” And New Yorkers said, “You want two? We’ve got the Jets and Giants.”

Diplomats from around the world have been spotted at strip clubs all over New York City while they are in town for the U.N. General Assembly. Things got pretty weird when the diplomat from Iran tried paying for his lap dance with goats.

China is building an $8 billion movie studio to compete with Hollywood. They started by releasing American movies and renaming them. For example, they’re releasing “The Lone Ranger” and they’re renaming it “He Who Rides Horse in Bad Movie.”

Tuesday Oct 01 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

We’ve got the government shutdown, but the beginning of Obamacare. You know what that means? You can now complain to your doctor about the government making you sick.

How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?

I’m glad the government has shut down. Think about it, for the first time in years it’s safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in.

A lot of new words are being introduced to the Oxford Dictionary. They include “bling” and “bromance.” And then there are words you don’t use anymore, words that have become passé — like privacy, solvency, freedom. These are words that have disappeared while new words are coming in.
Conan

The federal government has shut down, and 800,000 federal employees are out of work. That explains why tonight our entire studio audience is made up of park rangers and astronauts.

The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That is bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant — Leap of Faith Sushi.

Justin Bieber was spotted in China on the shoulders of two of his bodyguards. People in China kept asking, “Why isn’t that little girl at the factory?”

Late Show with David Letterman

The U.S. government has shut down so I think it will probably be best if you folks in the studio audience spent the night here.

Almost a million non-essential government employees were let go. Well, isn’t that the problem, that there’s that many non-essential employees?

Most of the White House staff is gone. The only one left is butler Forest Whitaker.

Even the NSA is out of business. And while they’re closed, while the government is shut down, they are asking citizens to please spy on each other.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The American government has shut down. Who do you think you are? You work for us. I don’t recall giving you the day off.

Right now more than 800,000 government employees are no longer getting paid. Don’t worry. Every single member of Congress still gets paid. You are right to hiss and boo, my friends.

At least here in America, crucial agencies like the U.S. Border Patrol are still on the job. That’s a good thing. The last thing we need is an influx of Canadians, with their politeness and a government that’s open every day.

The shutdown means the national zoo is closed. Who’ll feed the animals? Is anyone even there to lock them up at night? Pretty soon starving lions and tigers could charge out of the zoo. They’d devour the fattest, dumbest people on Capitol Hill. Actually that might be the answer to all of the problems.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The government may be shut down. But we are open for business here!

What are we doing here? Shouldn’t we all be out looting a Best Buy or something? Who wants to start a post-apocalyptic motorcycle gang?

To be honest, I didn’t notice the government was shut down today. But the 800,000 government employees who had their hours cut or jobs taken away definitely did. But the good news is Congress is still getting paid.

I want the names of the idiots who elected these people.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

After Congress failed to reach an agreement on a new spending bill, the federal government officially shut down. So roads won’t get fixed, public employees won’t be able to help you, and getting a federal loan for a house will be very difficult — but there will also be a lot of differences.

There are reports that several members of Congress were actually drinking last night while they were debating the bill that could have avoided the government shutdown. Which explains that one part where they said, “The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville!”

A man in Australia recently found a lost “Three Stooges” movie in his shed. It’s annoying though because every time he goes to pick it up, he steps on a rake and it hits him in the face.

Scientists in Italy say that the Leaning Tower of Pisa is slowly getting straighter. Yeah, engineers could tell when it stopped listening to Cher.

Wednesday Oct 02 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Scientists in Stockholm say hundreds of jellyfish have shut down a nuclear reactor. Hey, that’s nothing. In this country, a bunch of spineless jellyfish have shut down the entire government.

All non-essential employees were sent home — including President Obama’s economic team.

To all of you non-essential employees who have been forced out of your job: I work for NBC. I know how you feel.

You can see the effects of the shutdown all over town. President Obama is now down to just one teleprompter.

Conan

The government shutdown could cost the American economy $300 million a day. To put that in perspective, it would be like every day the economy released a new Lone Ranger movie.

Because of the government shutdown, President Obama has had to scale back his planned trip to Asia. Now Obama’s just going to cross the street and eat lunch at a Panda Express.

People have events in the national parks and they’re canceled because of the shutdown. There was a KKK rally scheduled to be held in a national park that was canceled. This was bad news for the KKK but good news for the park’s black bears.

Russian president Vladimir Putin has been named a candidate for this year’s Nobel Peace Prize. His chances of winning are good because his strategy is to have the other nominees killed.

Late Show with David Letterman

The New York City Opera is bankrupt. Is that why you’re all here, because the opera is closed?

Whenever there’s trouble, there’s always a silver lining. Swing by the New York City Opera on your way home and you can get 75 percent off Viking helmets.

People are saying now that before the government shutdown congressmen went out and got drunk — celebrating that they had shut down the government. This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating.

When you sign up for Obamacare you choose between the bronze program, the silver program, the gold program, and the platinum program. If you sign up for the platinum, you actually get to drive the ambulance.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I don’t think people are paying enough attention to fact that the National Zoo is closed. The panda cam has been dark for 48 hours. Who knows what craziness those pandas are up to now? They might be going crazy. They might be making the other animals do chores for them.

This government shutdown is a divisive issue. Families are being torn apart, mostly by zoo animals that are escaping while nobody is watching.

A lot of Republicans are hoping Democrats will eventually give in. I’m not so sure. If you’re waiting for Nancy Pelosi to blink, it may be awhile. I don’t know if it’s technically possible.

This would never happen in Canada, because their politicians have dignity, especially that crack-smoking mayor of Toronto.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

As of yesterday it is illegal to eat road kill in Montana. “Road kill” is such an ugly phrase. I prefer the term “vehicularly harvested.”

The animals covered under the road kill law include antelope, deer, elk, and moose. Before you take a dead animal home, you have to get a permit. Imagine the line for road kill permits. That must be some group.

The popular show “Duck Dynasty” is having a summer cruise. It sold out instantly. If you are a seagull, you may want to avoid that ship.

A CNN poll showed that the Congress approval rating is done to 10 percent. That still doesn’t seem low enough. Do one out of 10 people really approve of the job Congress is doing? And who are these people? I want to work for them.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The government shutdown — no one knows when the government will be back up and running. So if you’ve ever wanted to cut the tag off your mattress, do it now.

Several bars in Washington, D.C., are offering discounts on drinks to federal workers affected by the government shutdown. Or as people who AREN’T federal workers put it, “I’m a federal worker.”

Because the government doesn’t have any money, NASA had to close a Twitter account that warns the public about asteroids. So if you’re someone who constantly checks Twitter to see if an asteroid’s coming — would an asteroid really make your life any worse?

Source

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7 Responses to “Sunday Funnies”

  1. 5

    Nan G

    Next week there will be ‘toons about how the Middle East is attempting to create a medical test to root out homosexuality.
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2449051/Gulf-states-introduce-medical-testing-travellers-detect-gay-people-stop-entering-country.html
    Last point in article:

    It’s illegal to be gay in 78 countries, with lesbianism banned in 49. Five countries mete out the death penalty to gay people – Iran, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, Yemen and Mauritania.

    There’s got to be humor in this somewhere.
    I mean, don’t these people have ”gaydar?”
    /off.

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