Sunday Funnies

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Friday Sep 20 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Scientists here in California have discovered a rare species of legless lizards. Now don’t confuse that with spineless snakes; those are called congressmen. That’s totally different.

Monday is Celebrate Bisexuality Day. I don’t know if I’m going to celebrate. I could go either way.

A show on plants on the Discovery Channel said that plants have a way of signaling danger to each other. When there’s danger, the plant releases a gas that other plants can sense. Well, here is my question. What good is a plant warning another plant about danger? What’s the other plant supposed to do, run?

Jimmy Fallon is here tonight. What, it’s already February? That’s amazing!
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

For the first time in 90 years, Time magazine has appointed a female editor. But while it’s a big change for the publication, she promises it will still be the same magazine you briefly glance at before you buy an Us Weekly.

In a new interview, Elton John said that he will not cancel a performance in Russia later this year, despite the country’s anti-gay laws. Vladimir Putin was pretty shocked when he heard. He was like, “Hold on. Elton John is gay?”

The National Zoo says that so many people are watching its panda cam that it now has to limit each viewing session to 15 minutes. Though if you’re watching a panda on a webcam for more than 15 minutes, maybe YOU’RE the one who needs to be monitored.

A new study found that leading a healthy lifestyle can actually reverse the signs of aging. Although constantly talking about being a Vegan will still take years off other people’s lives.

Monday Sep 23 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Vladimir Putin lashed out again at the United States. This time it was for giving an Emmy Award to the Liberace movie, “Behind the Candelabra.”

Congratulations to “Breaking Bad.” It won the Emmy for best drama last night. When “Breaking Bad” won, they thanked their agents, their families, and of course the makers of Sudafed.

Don’t confuse “Breaking Bad” with the New York Giants — that’s “PLAYING Bad.” They lost to the Carolina Panthers 38-0. Their game was so bad it was featured in the Emmys “In Memoriam” segment last night.

Britney Spears has signed a two-year deal to perform at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas. If you go to Vegas you don’t want to miss that show. They say seeing Britney in concert is the closest thing to seeing her sing live.
Conan

This evening I will talk to the entire cast of “Breaking Bad.” It might get a little awkward for me since I’m only halfway through season one.

Thanks to “Breaking Bad,” the ratings for AMC have skyrocketed. You know what else has skyrocketed? — the number of high school kids now taking chemistry.

This Sunday is the very last episode of “Breaking Bad.” So from now on, if you want to see psychotic murderers attack each other on Sunday, you will have to watch the NFL.

Late Show with David Letterman

The Emmy Awards had just one surprise after another. I thought the highlight of the show was when they brought out the undead Liberace.

President William Jefferson Clinton is on the program tonight. He is here tonight to discuss his global initiative and Emmy fashion faux pas.

We have a lot of security here tonight. Even I had to go through security. I was frisked. I was groped. I was patted down. Then I got back in line.

Here in New York City it’s opening day at the United Nations. Everybody agreed that it’s not as much fun without Berlusconi.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

California has been invaded by four new species of lizards, and they’re legless. Every time a new species is discovered, why is it some kind of slimy lizard or slug thing? Why can’t they discover a long-lost, extra-cute kitty cat or a super-cuddly ferret?

Isn’t a legless lizard just a snake? No, it isn’t. A snake doesn’t have eyelids; a legless lizard does. A snake can coil up; a legless lizard can’t. There are only two species that can shed the skin in one piece — a snake and Bruce Jenner.

Snakes lost their legs because they never used them. It’s some evolution thing. Apparently, it’s the same reason Scottish people lost their optimism.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Traffic has come to a complete stop in Hollywood because we have a huge free concert with Paul McCartney tonight. Either that or all of those people outside just fell for our biggest prank ever.

I was out very late last night after the Emmy Awards. They had all of these parties going on. What are you going to do — not go to them?

It takes me so long to say goodbye to everyone at a party that I have to start over and say goodbye to everyone again. We need a socially acceptable way to say goodbye to everyone at a party at once.

People complain that we don’t have seasons in California. But that’s not true. We have one season and it’s the good one. We’re fine with that.

Tuesday Sep 24 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Texas Senator Ted Cruz began a filibuster on the Senate floor. He’s trying to stop Obamacare and he vowed to keep speaking until he is no longer able to stand. And the good news: If he collapses from exhaustion he’ll be covered under Obamacare.

Tomorrow night AMC will begin airing a “Breaking Bad” marathon that will show every episode of the show leading up to Sunday’s series finale. This is how it ends: Walter White dies in a hospital waiting room while filling out all the paperwork for Obamacare.

At the U.N. this week, President Obama met with the president of Nigeria, who advised President Obama to eliminate America’s debt by sending out fraudulent emails.

President Obama is now making a case for raising the debt limit. He said that raising the debt limit does not increase debt. And, you know, I have to defer to the president on this one because when it comes to increasing the debt, Obama knows what he’s talking about.
Conan

Does anyone have the new iPhone? Analysts say Apple’s actual manufacturing cost for the iPhone is $199. That’s just parts though. When you add in labor, it’s $200.

Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny’s while sober.

The NBA is considering introducing jerseys with players’ nicknames rather than their last names. Players like the nickname jersey because it’s easier for fans to relate to them and harder for women looking for child support to find them.

Miley Cyrus went skydiving for the first time. Actually she started twerking on a plane and the other passengers threw her off.

Late Show with David Letterman

Today’s the annual grand opening of the U.N. We have leaders from all over the world, and when they come here they have diplomatic immunity. They can do whatever they want, break any kind of laws. I saw a dictator today walking up Broadway carrying a 16-ounce soda.

Evil Russian Dictator Vladimir Putin is in town. He’s here to steal a World Series ring.

The U.N. deals with a lot of important issues. Today they spent the entire day trying to deal with that Ben Affleck as Batman thing.

At every U.N. session there’s a special promotion. Tomorrow it’s Angela Merkel bobblehead day.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Bill Clinton gave the keynote address today at the Clinton Global Initiative, the charity he started in 2005. Sometimes when presidents retire, they take it easy. But they quickly realize that if you’re not the president, nobody cares about you or anything you have to say. It is a condition also known as “being vice president.”

Being president is one of the most stressful jobs in the world. It’s right up there with being Paula Deen’s publicist.

I wonder what President Obama will do when he retires. I bet it will involve giving back somehow. He’ll make sure those in the developing world have the most important things they need to succeed — like a fake Hawaiian birth certificate.

At most companies the official retirement age is 65. Not in TV. In TV you can work as long as you want — as long as you don’t make the mistake of winning your time slot. That will cause NBC to throw you out. Sorry, Jay.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

It has been an exciting week so far. Last night Paul McCartney was here. He played a big show in front of at least 10,000 fans outside. And tonight, Justin Timberlake is live. And then tomorrow America votes and one will be eliminated from music.

Tonight on ABC is the premiere of “Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.” It’s the most highly anticipated show ever with six periods.

S.H.I.E.L.D. is a secret government agency that helps The Avengers fight crime, so the show is not about superheroes. It’s essentially a show about the administrative assistants to superheroes.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The U.N. General Assembly is here in New York City. Today, President Obama gave a big speech on the Middle East. The leaders from the Middle East said, “You have touched our hearts, and from now on we shall have peace.” And Obama said, “Really?” and they said, “No, but the look on your face was priceless.”

Home Depot just announced that that it will cut health insurance for its part-time workers because of Obamacare. Home Depot’s CEO said he had a hard time breaking the news to employees. That’s because it took him three hours to find one.

Russian President Vladimir Putin just revealed he may run for a fourth term in 2018. In fact, he already came up with a few campaign posters. One says, “I will put middle-class families first — on bus to Siberia.”

Another Putin poster said, “Putin in 2018, whether you vote or not.”

Wednesday Sep 25 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

“Breaking Bad” has its final episode on Sunday. It’s about a chemistry teacher who has cancer and starts making meth to help cover his medical bills and provide for his family. Or as Republicans call that, a legitimate alternative to Obamacare.

In his effort to try to stop Obamacare, Texas Senator Ted Cruz spoke for 21 hours and 19 minutes nonstop. That’s impressive, but still eight hours short of the record held when somebody asked Joe Biden, “Hey, what’s new?”

In Russia a group of parents have asked Vladimir Putin to cancel an Elton John concert because they say it promotes a homosexual lifestyle. They say they don’t want to see gay people on stage. They’re going to replace it with a performance by the Bolshoi Ballet.

A North Carolina woman stabbed her roommate’s ex-boyfriend because she claimed he wouldn’t stop playing Eagles music. He’s OK, but apparently she stabbed him with those steely knives but she just couldn’t kill the beast.
Conan

Miley Cyrus said she will never twerk again. Miley said there are too many other things she wants to try once and do badly.

In South Carolina, the winner of the latest Powerball lottery has chosen to remain anonymous. However, I’m guessing it’s that cashier at Cracker Barrel with the Learjet.

The Bravo network has fired two of the “Real Housewives of Orange County.” They were fired for being pleasant and courteous.

A new report finds Los Angeles to be one of the most energy-wasting cities in the country. Apparently the main culprit is my applause sign. That thing uses a lot of juice.

Late Show with David Letterman

When they say they’re closing down the government, people get scared. I’ll give you an example. Diana Nyad swam back to Cuba.

How about that senator from Texas, Ted Cruz. He gets a hold of the microphone on the floor of the Senate and he starts yakking for 21 hours. I’m telling you, that government shutdown certainly looks pretty good now, doesn’t it?

At one point Ted Cruz takes out “Green Eggs and Ham.” He reads a kiddy book. The message he was sending there, I think, is that Obamacare will only cover visits to Dr. Seuss.

President Obama is at the U.N. Everybody’s in town. World leaders are coming and going. President Obama briefed all the other leaders on the Kardashian marriages.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Right now a postage stamp costs 46 cents. But they’re proposing to raise it to 49 cents. That’s only an increase of 3 cents. It doesn’t sound like much, but when you multiply it by all the people who send letters, it could bring the post office upwards of $30.

The post office needs the cash. People don’t send letters anymore. I’m old-fashioned. I send one letter a week. That’s how I stay connected to my fan.

People who study postage stamps are called philatelists. That sounds dirty.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Dave Salmoni, wildcat expert from Animal Planet, brought a lion tonight. This is what I don’t get. Our lawyers say if we want to drop cupcakes off the roof, they will make everyone wear helmets and goggles. But they have no problem with someone putting a live tiger on my desk.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz had quite a day yesterday. To protest a government bill that would fund Obamacare, he decided to take the floor of the Senate and keep speaking until he was no longer able to stand — at which point he would collapse, be taken to the hospital and treated for exhaustion by Obamacare.

Ted Cruz read “Green Eggs and Ham” aloud. That has now replaced jumping on Oprah’s couch as the weirdest thing done by a Cruz on television.

In the end after 21 hours of railing against Obamacare, Cruz ended up voting the same way as all other senators. His speech didn’t accomplish anything. But it was a big event for C-Span, so big that they’re planning to run it again as a special over the weekend.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Tea party Senator Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate. During his protest, Cruz actually read from the book “Green Eggs and Ham” by Dr. Seuss. Democrats were like, “When will this end?” But then Chris Christie said, “When do we get those eggs and ham?”

Despite all of the controversy, President Obama says he’s still moving forward with the healthcare law. In fact, the White House announced that residents of Florida will have 102 different insurance options when Obamacare rolls out. That’s because if there’s one thing people in Florida love, it’s a confusing number of options.

A study found that New Yorkers are some of the most honest people in the world. In fact, today I saw a lady drop a $20 bill and this guy said with complete honesty, “I’m gonna take that.”

Another study says parents are biologically programed to dislike their children’s spouses. I asked my father-in-law if that was true, and he was like, “Not now, I’m watching “Craig Ferguson.”

Thursday Sep 26 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

O.J. Simpson has been caught stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria. Just when you think you know a guy, huh?

When I heard that story, I think I had the same reaction most of you did. Really? They have cookies in prison?

The post office wants a three-cent increase to 49 cents. They say fewer and fewer people are using the post office and they’re losing money. See, that’s government thinking. Only the government would think, “Hey, I know how to attract more customers. Let’s raise the price.”

President Obama is now making his case for raising the debt limit. He said raising the debt limit does not increase debt. You know, like raising the speed limit does not increase speed.
Conan

A Vatican cardinal said Jesus was the original tweeter. I don’t know how popular he was. He only had 12 followers.

There’s a new issue of “Cosmopolitan” that explains Obamacare to women. The article is called “10 pre-existing conditions to drive your man crazy.”

The post office has to raise postage rates due to terrible financial troubles. The postmaster conveyed this news in an email.

A new study says we should change how we feed cows so they don’t produce so much of the greenhouse gas methane. First up, they recommend eliminating taco night.

Late Show with David Letterman

O.J. Simpson was busted again, this time for stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria. This time he left a trail of crumbs.

Have you have seen O.J. lately? He’s gotten fat. And if the pants don’t fit, you must acquit, ladies and gentlemen.

Lindsay Lohan’s sister paid a lot of money to a plastic surgeon to make her look more like Lindsay. If you’re Lindsay Lohan’s sister, you don’t want to change your face. You want to change your name, don’t you?

Cory Booker, mayor of Newark, has been tweeting with a stripper in Oregon. He’s a bachelor so when this news broke, he had to hire somebody to stand next to him and look humiliated.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Helsinki, Finland, has been named the world’s most honest city by Readers Digest. You can always trust a Finn, unless it’s attached to a shark.

In cities all over the world, researchers from Readers Digest discarded wallets containing IDs, credit cards, and $50. Then they counted how many got returned. Only one person in Helsinki didn’t return the wallet, a woman in her 60s. The lesson here: Elderly women can never be trusted.

Helsinki was number one most honest. Amsterdam finished number seven. In their defense, some people intended to return the wallets but were too stoned.

I consider myself pretty honest. I am fully upfront about the fact that every night I steal an hour of your life.
Jimmy Kimmel Live

A cardinal made a comment at the Vatican that Jesus was the first person to tweet. The cardinal said that like Twitter messages, Jesus’ messages were brief and full of meaning. Brief I get, but when has there been a Twitter message full of meaning?

No wonder Jesus walked on water. He didn’t want to get his phone wet.

The cardinal believes Jesus used tweets before everyone else, with simple phrases made up of fewer than 45 characters like “Love one another.” Yet he had only 12 followers.

The NBA is considering letting teams wear special jerseys for a game. Instead of the players’ names on their backs, they’ll wear their nicknames. Instead of the nicknames on jerseys they should put the salaries on the jerseys. That way they can hold them accountable.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new reality TV show in the works that will apparently send celebrities into space. Or as Gary Busey put it, “They’re sending me home?”

That’s right, a reality show will send celebrities into space — marking the first time people will actually want the Kardashians to star in another reality show.

The post office just can’t get its act together. They announced today they want to raise the price of stamps so they can make an extra $2 billion. That is still better than their original plan — uninvent the Internet.

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew just sent a letter to Congress, telling them that the government will run out of money on October 17. Congress said, “Then why didn’t you just send an email instead of buying those expensive new stamps?”


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6 Responses to “Sunday Funnies”

  1. 3

    Wordsmith

    editor

    Thanks for the acknowledgment.

    My apologies for not consistently delivering this to readers’ cyber doorstep at the appropriate morning hour!

  2. 4

    Disturber

    That is ok. We all, hopefully, have lives and I think the task is quite formidable. I think it remarkable that the cartoonists have been turning against the administration while the main stream media is still so sycophantic. I sure wish we had an independent press.

    Disturber

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